WHY SLOG THROUGH LITERATURE WHEN YOU CAN BANG THROUGH “TWITTERATURE”?
Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved
Amazon.com Chairman of the Board Jeffrey Bezos announced that the popular online retailer would now make available what he termed “the ground breaking novels of literature, the classics that everyone should read but really don’t have that kind of time for. That’s why we’re making world-famous novels available in new easy to read versions, and what’s easier to read than Twitter?“
Pointing out that reading a novel like War and Peace could often take months to slog through for people who actually read, the new ”Classic Twitterature “ could be devoured as easily as texting. ”This is the way people read today,“ he said,” and we have to adapt. Imagine reading “Moby Dick” in half the time it takes to drain out a brew in the restroom.“
Bezos also said that Amazon would offer the classics to schools at a discount for each teacher or student who also purchased a Kindle adding ”we are also exploring sending the books directly to cell phones with a 3G push service. Parents who have been concerned about what their kids are looking at on their phones can now rest assured that they will now have access to great books without getting their fingers covered in ink or shit like that, you know, whatever.“
Although the PowerPoint presentation was delayed nearly an hour when Windows 7 crashed, once the audience (made up mainly of literature professors from America’s most prestigious party schools) saw free samples of the novels sent to their cellphones, one reporter described their reaction as ”fuckin’ epic dude.“
The preview alone, said Bezos, would ”give students a Harvardish education at a Wal-Martly price.” Some of the offerings:
The Grapes of Wrath:@Steinbeck.com
Dude, wtf sup w this dust? Can’t grow shit, bank’s on my ass. I’m so outta here!
Aaar mateys! Harpooning now and using my big one… ttyl
Crime and Punishment:@trutv.com
I swear to god I’m going to kill someone. I mean it dude. I got mad skillz fo’ sho. Can’t bust me yo. Maybe I’ll kill myself.
Dude, where the hell are you? Finnegan wake up. All you Finnegans. Wake up! Hit me back.
Pride & Prejudice:@weareallchelseahandler.com
This guy is being such a jerk! … He’s hot though! … omg he just asked me out! gtg!
Maybe it Was….
By Joe Bodolai © 2009, All rights reserved
What if Alexander Graham Bell tried to call Watson when he was “unavailable“? Would he think his invention wouldn’t work? What if Watson were in the can? Or storing carrots for the winter in the root cellar? In that circumstance the only way Bell could know his invention worked would be if he had invented the answering machine first.
So let’s say Alexander Graham Bell gave up on the telephone and spent the rest of his life unsuccessfully trying to find a way to send targeted advertising through unwanted bulk telegraph messages? Or meat in a can? He was, unfortunately, ahead of his time.
So with Bell’s failure the telegraph became the VHS to the telephone’s BetaMax. But, would things really have been so different? Wasn’t the telegraph the first internet?
According to one expert (okay, me) there is evidence of President Grover Cleveland ”sexting“ with his mistress Maria Halpin. Telegraph technology was actually more suited to sexting as it was only possible to tap out messages with one hand.
In Morse Code this: .– …. .- – / .- .-. . / -.– — ..- / .– . .- .-. .. -. –. ..–.. means ”what are you wearing?“
I discovered some yellowing documents in the prestigious Grover Cleveland Presidential Library, located not in Cleveland but in Buffalo since the construction crew couldn’t tell the difference. I immediately recognized the documents as transcriptions of Morse Code. And it was clearly an excerpt from a sext message to Maria, from the Oval Office no less, which included these keyboard strokes:
”My dearest Maria, I trust you are not yet up as I am. I awoke as usual thinking of you and felt as if you were riding the mighty iron horse of the Union Pacific Railroad, its throbbing and prodigious engine chugging and chugging with increasing vigor and urgency, finally reaching its destination and releasing its glorious pearly cargo…“
And is her reply the precursor of internet porn? Certainly she knows that men are more visually stimulated and paints a very spicy mental picture:
”Darlng Grovey, your missive made me turn on the gaslight. This had the most beneficent effect of lovely warm light flickering across my supine body as if passenger pigeon feathers were gently tickling, causing a most agreeable situation throughout. The warmth of the room allowed to remove my corset, slowly, one big whalebone at a time. With each opening the folds gently opened to reveal more as it released my bosom and allowed a deep sigh of increasing relief…“
It seems the transmission ended here as the transcript appears discolored and stained.
Clearly the internet has been around for much longer than when Al Gore said he invented it. Obviously the next development would have been social networks. I’m sure they existed and they will not escape my exhaustive research. These would likely have flourished and blossomed in “The Roaring Twenties.” This was an era when women shocked society with their skimpy flapper outfits, scandalous new habits such as smoking, drinking, and voting.
Of course, eventually a watershed breakthrough would occur. A new device and new technology would change everything. The internet would seem as old fashioned, slow, and be buried with the ashes of GeoCities, MSN, and AOL. ”Dude! You gotta check this out! It’s like email or texting but you can actually talk to the person! So like in chat rooms you’ll know if it’s a dude because you can actually hear a voice. Just like they were next to you! Epic shit! It’s called a ”phone!“
Coming soon: I’ll show you the lost MySpace pages of Adolph Hitler and Elvis Presley along with John F. Kennedy’s scandalous and sexy Facebook, and Twitter feeds of Princess Diana, and more.
Believed to be Odiously Authentic
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
Quality Shows News (QSN) has obtained what it believes to be an authentic new taped message from terror spokesman Dick Cheney. The tape shows the former “vice-president” and architect of generations of wars (although never having served in one) speaking to an unnamed interviewer, with the Capitol Building in view behind him, from what appears to be his secret undisclosed location, the byzantine network of fortified caves that is more impenetrable than Tora Bora — Washington.
Cheney, his voice sounding understatedly more assholishly self-righteous than usual, made ominous statements regarding the “crotch bomber” whose action, he said, ”should not be treated as a criminal act, but as an act of war,“ presumably referring to the war on the man’s own balls.
He conducted the interview wearing a red tie, perhaps suggesting more bloodshed, and suggested that the Obama Administration owes his presidential spokesperson, George W. Bush, ”a big vote of thanks up front.“ Or, in Cheney’s case, from behind.
The video is chilling and offers insights into Cheney’s dark and terrifying mind, far worse than the late Osama bin Laden, the CIA operative who has been dead for years, along with most of America’s overly “Snookified“brain cells.
Say It Ain’t So, Joe! ignores obvious ploy for media attention
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Morning radio talk shows, online news sites, even otherwise-respectable newspapers have fallen for a Clearfield, Pennsylvania restaurant’s tawdry attempt at free publicity by serving a 15-pound (6.6 kilo) hamburger.
Above is the picture of the restaurant’s 15-pound burger that many so-called “news” outlets ran, falling for the “clear attempt at publicity,” according to Say It Ain’t So Joe! editors. “We wisely refused and will never be a tool for the Giant Burger Lobby,” preferring, they said, “news stories of substance and merit which provide insight for our readers. We would never fall for cheap stunts like that pulled by Denny’s Beer Barrel Restaurant at 1423 Dorey Street in Clearfield, Pennsylvania.” The restaurant sells the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, which comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of fresh local cheddar cheese, a head of crisp romaine (not iceberg) lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers and a bun and costs just $30 at the restaurant located at 1423 Dorey Street in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, with plenty of free and easy parking and crisp delicious fries.
Say It Ain’t So Joe! editors said they will “continue to ignore stunt news such as this in favor of our usual mandate to enrich and edify our readers. “We would never mix real journalism with commercial messages or other agendas like the New York Times does for Israel.” Publisher Joe Bodolai said “you can look forward to our hard-hitting look next week when we investigate a Buffalo bar which plans to serve free beer and wings with nude waitresses eating bananas very slowly… As soon as we get comped.”
So-Called “Expert” Pilots’ Craft Was “Flying for Dummies”
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
While we heard in the official reports of the 9-11 tragedies that the pilots who actually flew the planes performed “exceptionally complex and skilled maneuvers”, new photos have surfaced of their training planes, which were basically operational training manuals, so easy that even a caveman… no, an untrained Muslim patsy could do it. Or Mossad of course.
Branded as “Flying 101”,the planes have apparently been sold to Kulula Air.
So Many Canadians to Choose From, But Who Will Get the Honour?
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
In just a few hours the mystery of just which notable Canadian will be the one to light the Olympic torch at the Vancouver opening ceremonies. I have a few thoughts:
- There might be a countdown; as the clock ticks, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) emerges, holding a gun to the head of IOC chairman Jacques Roggen and, orders Rita McNeil to put her torch down, and shoots the flame on.
- Doug and Bob McKenzie play caps for the honour. Winner is hopefully not too ‘faced to get ‘er lit, eh?
- Pamela Anderson, who, for insurance purposes, appears in a Kevlar and asbestos flame-retardant bustier to keep the silicone from melting and resulting in Unsightly Silicone Sag Syndrome. (Watch for the drug ad during first commercial.)
- Tommy Chong simply flicks the ash from his roach and the crowd goes “whoa! Awesommmmme! Let’s get some TimBits!“
And of course, there’s one guaranteed prominent Canadian who must appear at the closing ceremonies. With the power of her twin bags of wind from hell, Celine Dion blows the flame out with her force five version of ”My Heart Will Go On.“
“It’s All About Writing,”, say Studio Execs
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved.
After months of deliberation, the Writers Guild of America has been forced to give a belated screenwriting credit to a focus group after it was shown that the group was “more instrumental in determining the story and jokes than the original writers.”
The 55-member group, none of whom works in show business or is related to anyone in the film industry, received $40 each plus diet soda and a slice of four-cheese pizza or lactose-free egg white frittata for their three-hour session in which they screened the movie All About Steve and offered their opinions on various jokes and scenes.
“I thought they should have more jokes like a guy getting his boner slammed in a car door or his chest hair waxed,” said Tom Bangston, a 22 year-old donut oil refresher technician for Krispy Kreme. ”We wanted more stuff like The 40 Year-Old Virgin but the lawyers said no. You know the suits, man. They just don’t get it.“
Maria Casadelkroger, a call center phone cleaner, said ”I think our best work was when we convinced them not to call its original title, Gigli 2.
After the meeting, Bangston pitched his idea to studio executives. Based on his verbal one-incomplete sentence logline, 500 Days of My Boner is scheduled for summer release.