Pope Confesses to Self, Forgives Own Sins, All Pedophile Priests

Two Hail Marys “Oughta Cover It” Says Holy Joey Ratz.

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Joey Ratz Eager to Work His Popely Magic

Proclaiming himself “super holy”, Joe Ratzinger (aka “the Pope”) emerged from a Vatican confessional today and claims he has “forgiven” himself for what he referred to as “so-called sins” and also forgave all priests and other church officials accused of child molestation. “Some people might see this as damage control,” said the former Nazi Youth, “but first there has to be damage. Anyway, I gave myself and the guys a round two Hail Marys, and you know if I bring Mary into this, and she is a virgin, that’s proof of no diddling boys. This whole mess is due to the clever homosexual children because the little lambs got flocked by the Shepherd which proves they were not victims,” he “explained.” The official Vatican press release, published in High Pig Latin, entitled Uckfay Uyay, continued: “E pluribus unum, as a bonus, I threw in forgiving the Beatles and, veni vidi vici I’m offering 50% off for all school groups to visit the Shroud of Turin for Christ’s sake.  We’re also selling Abbey Road in the Vatican gift shop now. This is what makes the Catholic Church so effin’ great. Remember, omnes gallia est divisa en tres partes. When questioned about his infallibility at a special Palm Sunday brunch at the Palm Restaurant at Vatican Citywalk , the Pope blamed his streak of incorrectly picking the last 45 Super Bowl winners on “Satan’s voice in the huddle for some really shoddy play calling. Dominus frickin’ vobiscum! Oh, and to answer your question, no, I do not consider my outfits ‘super gay.”