USC’s Big Win, Trojans Fail Again, Bucks Rule, Shoelace Trips On Self…
Another Perfect Saturday of College Football
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
USC’s big win stunned the nation, as the Illegal Fighting Roosters of South Carolina upset the mighty Toxic Sludge of Alabama 35-21. They held the previous unstoppable running back duo of last year’s Heisman winner Mark Ingram and the guy who some said was even better, Trent Richardson, to a combined 64 yards! Hell, that’s less yardage than Mark Mangino needs for a suit! Oh, and the hypage attached to their defense will now turn to excusiosity in Tuscaloosa, which I believe is the title of an old blues tune.
Oh, and I refer to them as “USC” as in University of South Carolina since it was founded in 1805, 75 years before the University of Southern California. The Trojans, however, recently won a legal battle to claim rights to the use of the letters “USC”, three crucial letters required to spell the word “suck”.
The Trojans may want to reconsider that legal decision now so that when someone says “did you hear that USC beat the number one team in the nation?” people will think it was they. (Don’t worry, we all know it’s not “them”.) Instead, they again provided my favorite TV Cutaway of the Weekend as Stanford’s game winning field goal went through the uprights. This left the USC bench looking as if they were watching the thugs from Operation Repo tow away their booster-bought Impalas.
My own schadenfreudish sensibility, however, would not mind the Trojans finishing say 9-3 and being “bowl eligible”, and grind their teeth at being “bowl ineligible”. While this punishes the current roster of innocent-until-proven-guilty players, it also does penalize the folks at Heritage Hall by forcing them to call their counterparts in Oregon and beg for some extra Rose Bowl tickets or take up Snoop Dogg on his offer for a free Samsung big screen to watch Boise State on New Year’s Day.
Speaking of Boise State, and only because we must, they continue to win and amp up their fine whining to screech level. Please, Sports Information Directors, keep going until you are at such a high pitch that only dogs can hear it. I won’t. I know it’s unfair and all, but Boise is just not a place I think of where they play big time college football. Tuscaloosa, Columbus, Ann Arbor, Austin, Eugene, etc. is where they play college football. Boise is where they watch college football. Please flame away Bronco fans, but remember, you play on blue turf!
I won’t mention Texas Christian University because it’s Sunday, a day of rest. They need it. They won by only 45 “style points”, which is pretty much what they will rack up the rest of the season.
While it is always a good day for Buckeye fans when Michigan loses, the luster of the glorious RichRod era is beginning to wear off. Once the
greatest rivalry in college football, the last decade has been more one-sided than the “war” between the U.S. and Grenada, except without the sunburn and mangoes.
The Wolverines’ waterbug quarterback Denard “Shoelace” Robinson held himself to only something like 87 yards rushing. While this was way more than both of Alabama’s running backs, it was less than half his video-game-stats-in-real-life average. He also managed to throw three beautiful interceptions to launch himself into the rarified category of “former Heisman frontrunner” with Jake Locker.
Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez demonstrated that he certainly does know how to recruit talent for his spread offense. Unfortunately, he recruits for the Big East while the Wolverines play in the Big Ten. While his spread offense is indeed effective and exciting, his “spread defense” is best described as “I can’t believe it’s not butter”.
The real big league spread offense (as in demolish the point spread) is Oregon’s. The Ducks struggled, only racking up 43 points against Washington State. I think that’s the entire State of Washington, not just the Cougars, although these Cougars get rolled quicker than the Real Housewives of New Jersey on jello shots.
Nebraska is a sleeping giant and the “waspanic” Taylor Martinez looks like he may make people forget how to spell Ndamakong Suh, except for the fact Suh gave the Cornhuskers iPads with his website as their home page. Oh, and that he hurts people on Sundays and it’s legal. Too bad he’s in the witness protection program known as the Detroit Lions. And speaking of “whatever happened to”, didn’t Texas used to be found on the rankings page without scrolling down? They’ve fallen like a baby down a well. Fortunately they landed on Georgia.
Finally, the autumn leaves are falling, the air is crisp, and the rat-tat-tat of a marching band winds its way onto the field at the Horseshoe, and the “I” is dotted on another perfect Saturday of college football… if any of those words actually had an “I” in it. Oh wait. It does. I loved it.
SUGGESTED READING FOR THIS POST:
USC LAWSUIT VS. USC: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Finally-USC-is-the-real-SC-thanks-to-U-S-Su?urn=ncaaf-274469
OHIO STATE VS. MICHIGAN: U.S. INVASION OF GRENADA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_Grenada
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