Cam Newton Promises to Return Heisman
And Other College Football Headlines of the Day
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
If he wins it, Cam Newton has promised to “return the Heisman Trophy, “most def.” The Auburn phenom is in the midst of a scandal involving allegations of payments made during his recruitment period which, if true, would likely make him ineligible and also bring sanctions against the university. While such sanctions would just fustercluck the college football landscape yet again, Newton said “I’ll give the mother(expletive) back once I sign my NFL deal. I am all about college football tradition and proud to be mentioned in the same breath as Reggie Bush.”
NOTRE DAME RENAMES ICONIC MURAL “FIELD GOAL JESUS”
The famous mural of Jesus Christ, a leading religious figure, looking over Notre Dame Stadium with arms upraised as if signifying a score, has been unofficially renamed “Inconsequential Field Goal Jesus”. The mural was previously known as “Touchdown Jesus” but Vatican Sports Information Director Cardinal Roberto Petrino explained the change was “due to the team’s miraculous ability to kick meaningless field goals in the fourth quarter of blowout losses.”
BLACKWATER ADMITS ARMY’S NEW “DESERT CAMO” UNIFORMS DANGEROUS ON GREEN TURF
Xe, formerly Blackwater, a major supplier of crap to U.S. troops at criminally hyperinflated prices, finally admitted that the camouflage uniforms supplied to Army’s football team were “more appropriate” to a desert or dirt surface, and not the green of most college football fields. “It was an oversight,” admitted LeRoy Cashman, Chief Oversight Designer for the company, “when the efficacy of Boise State’s blue uniforms matching their blue turf was pointed out by our CIA contacts we thought, ha! That’s cool! How do opposing defenses even see them?” The company said it would resupply more faulty equipment immediately at even more outrageous prices. “We may also be looking at getting into beer sales in stadiums where markups are more in line with our corporate culture.”
USC, MICHIGAN, STILL ON PROBATION
No story, just a reminder. Enjoy your day.
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