NCAA Explains Newton’s Law


“Too Talented to be Ineligible Until After Career Over Rule” is Applied to Auburn Star

Promises to Return Heisman

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved.

Auburn Star Cam Newton Displaying Skills Learned in his Advanced Autograph Signing Course at Auburn

The NCAA has declared that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton had not violated any rules and is cleared to play in the SEC championship game against South Carolina and Auburn’s possible national championship match as well. Newton’s father Cecil had actively “shopped” his son to various college football programs apparently without his son’s knowledge, which the NCAA considers a) okay and b) the slightest bit believable. There is clearly more under the surface here and I suspect it will surface next year. I have to say, when everything is said and done, Cam Newton will probably have to return the Heisman, which he is certainly going to win and keep for a while on the new Netfilx-inspired trophy program pioneered by Reggie Bush.

Cecil Newton is a pastor at the Holy Zion Center of Deliverance (sic) and it is not known what message he will deliver to his flock in his next sermon. He may well want to offer a private message of thanks to his unnamed and generous savior, as he has also may have benefited from a miraculous infusion of  unknown cash to repair his Holy Zion Center which was on the verge of being condemned. Fortunately for the elder Newton, who, according to msnbc, “owns” four other churches along with a construction company, which was apparently available and able in the nick of time to finance god’s work with what I hope is some sweet new aluminum siding.

The ruling follows several other NCAA crackdowns on illegal practices to be ignored or shoved under the rug until the athlete’s college career is

Checks for Cam Newton's Services Go Directly to God

over. Normal NCAA and New York Athletic Club practice also allows a player to receive and keep the Heisman Trophy for several years until he signs a lucrative NFL deal and then must return it. Newton has already agreed to return the trophy in 2013, when Auburn will be hit with sanctions such as those retroactively imposed on USC.

NCAA President Mark Emmert explained “we don’t want to punish a star student-athlete (sic) during his college career if he can guarantee us high TV ratings and bigger bowl payouts. We usually wait until he ‘graduates’ and then we impose sanctions on the new student-athletes who can’t become famous because their program has sanctions. It’s a win-win, except for the kids of course.”

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! has obtained a copy of the rule, devised by celebrated number cruncher  Sir Isaac Newton,  (Cambridge ’69) which states:

“”Lex III: Actioni contrariam semper et æqualem esse reactionem: sive corporum duorum actiones in se mutuo semper esse æquales et in partes contrarias dirigi.”

This law is also explained as “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”, or in recruiting terms, “for every hand offering cash there is another hand accepting it.

This is mathematically expressed as follows:

Where F equals the sum of dollars paid divided by dollars taken, or alternatively dollars times multiple violations divided by dollars taken. The details of the ruling were not explained to Auburn because, Emmert explained, “they’re an SEC school so they wouldn’t understand it. Besides,  at this point in the academic year, they are focusing on letting everybody know about their speed.”

The University of Mississippi, which was offered the younger Newton’s services first for a reported $180,000 but declined due to ethical considerations, is now reportedly kicking itself in their rebel ass.

UPDATE: Radio Host Interview can be heard here.

  1. Brian "Wayne" Hodges
    December 4, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Next thing you know Cam Newton will declare himself for the NFL draft, making himself ineligible for college athletics, then change his mind in which the NCAA will allow a temporary waiver in the Spirit of the Law for their potential cash cow… I mean “Student-Athlete.” Meanwhile Arizona State (we can’t go to a Bowl game but sub-500 teams might), and any other NCAA Academic Institution that may have issues up for judgement by the NCAA will serve as the reapers of the NCAA following the Letter of the Law.

  2. Jingwatsen Banghoffer
    December 5, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Hey Joe: In 25 words or less, I challenge you to make a moral distinction between the NCAA’s wholesale sanctions on the UNC football team this season and their Newtonian non-sanctions. I’m a Tarheel fan and I need to know. Hell, I sent two of my kids there and since I’m still sending money to the damned school to pay off their damned tuition, it means I’ll never retire, but I ain’t changing allegiances until it’s all paid off, ergo they better not let me down.

    Down and depressed in Rockville,

    Jingy

  3. December 5, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Ola Jingy,
    You’re challenging me to make a moral distinction? Right away, there’s your mistake.

    The NCAA sanctioned UNC probably because they needed to sanction somebody after USC and it was way easier to type “UNC” than, say, “Auburn”. I can’t name a single player on UNC, so sanctioning them is way easier than a high profile player. Newton made a smart publicity move back in 2008, when he was disguised as a backup quarterback at Florida and made headlines for an alleged computer theft. ESPN reported this two years ago:

    GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Florida Gators backup quarterback Cameron Newton was charged with stealing another student’s laptop computer after being arrested Friday.

    Newton was suspended from the team, spokesman Steve McClain said, and was being held in the Alachua County jail. He has been charged with felony counts of burglary, larceny and obstructing justice.

    According to the University Police Department, Newton stole the laptop worth $1,700 and threw it out his dormitory window Friday when officers arrived to investigate the theft.

    Okay, the guy’s an idiot. Who throws a MacBook Pro out the window? That is, unless you wanted to make an insurance claim like, oh, say some old church that needs renovation and could either burn down or somehow come into some money to fix it if insurance won’t… Hey, wait a minute?

    Anyway, take solace in the fact that your kids went to UNC and not to Duke.

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