Florida Legalizes Murder, Post-Birth Abortion
Verdict Sends Strong Message that “Some mothers deserve a mulligan.”
Orlando – The verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial is already having a sweeping effect on what is called justice in Florida. Anthony, suspected of murdering her infant daughter Caylee Benet, was found not guilty on all charges relating to the death. She was convicted of a few misdemeanors but not on any of the child endangerment charges despite incredibly not reporting her daughter’s disappearance for 31 days. Sources close to Anthony say she “had no time because she was working out for a hot body contest at a fuckin’ epic new club. So, we were prioritizing so you can obviously see it was time sensitive.” Legal experts (okay just me) say this is an important step in allowing “post-birth abortion, apparently up to three years post-delivery. It’s a big win for mothers like Anthony who realize the inconvenience of having a child and deserve a mulligan.”
“Much of anti-abortion America is far more comfortable with abortion as long as it’s after the 14th trimester. Before that, they say it’s immoral, perhaps because the fetus needs to be born to “get into the system?” After that, they’re cool with it. The death penalty after all is just retroactive abortion, so you can say they’re pro-choice of choosing who they want to kill.”
The truly stunning thing is that I have no idea if Casey Anthony murdered her daughter or not. I am shocked, however, that the various child endangerment/neglect charges were somehow not proved. I only caught up to this case yesterday because she’s a brunette and it wasn’t covered much on my cable. Any woman who doesn’t report her child missing for a month and want help finding her is guilty of child abuse.
The font of all wisdom that is Kim Kardashian, an expert on legal matters such as providing sage judicial advice to her father Robert in the acquittal of O.J. Simpson in the trial of the last century expressed her outrage on Twitter moments after the verdict with her typical exclamation mark assault in the place of words to express emotion.
Sources close to defense lawyer Jose Baez (no relation to Joan I am pretty much positive) said the defense team celebrated with champagne and the Baez daughters doing rounds of Jaeger body shots in anticipation of their sure to be forthcoming untitled reality show. The series was slated to be called “Keeping Up With The Baez’s”, according to somebody,”but the smartass making up this quote said the apostrophe is wrong there so I’m like what are you? A teacher?” No.
Moments later, O.J. Simpson announced that he would lead the hunt to find Caylee Anthony’s real killer if somebody would just get him the fuck out of this Vegas jail.
Florida elected George Bush. Now this. What’s next? A year ago, I wrote this after the “concealed carry and suspicion of a threat” law putting legal murder into the hands of private citizens as well as, of course, cops. This could be happening in the Sunshine State soon:
Zero Percent Murder Rate is Lowest in the Country
By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved
Ocala, Florida — “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,” exclaimed Ocala, Florida police chief Phil Procopio, as he showed off charts and binders full of slick graphics to indicate a 100% drop in the murder rate to 0%, the lowest rate in the country. “Legalizing murder has not only eliminated it completely, making our community unique in the country, but has also improved our ranking on Parade Magazine’s list of the 10,000 Best Places to Live in America — up two places to number 9,997! That’s a community effort we should all be proud of.”
White Floridians Applaud New Rulings
Citizens have applauded the move enthusiastically. “I used to worry about being murdered whenever I went downtown or to a ballgame, “said Gus Cherniak, a private security consultant for the Golf Manor Estates (a gated community on the north side of the city), “now we really don’t have to worry at all. This new law has taken away the fear our citizens used to have.” Now, if they feel unsure about someone, Floridians can just shoot them with an assault rifle or kill them with a taser first. “This has made life for our neighborhood citizens’ patrols much easier, instead of always worrying about legal grey areas.”
What in other communities might be called “vigilantism”, in Florida it’s called “preventive vigilantism — not that vigilantism is a bad word around here. After all, let’s remember that some of America’s greatest heroes are vigilantes. Batman, Superman, Bernard Goetz, Jack Ruby, all of them. We’re just following in what we think is a heroic American tradition”, added Cherniak. “We’re all just good old American crime-fighting superheroes.”
The only thing separating a vigilante from a superhero is a costume and a good publicist. — Joe Bodolai
Police Chief Procopio suggested that the program should go beyond Florida. “I’d like to see this law be extended nationwide, especially into communities where there are lots of prisons and Democratic voters” said the much-decorated law enforcer (a winner of the local Crime Dog Man of the Year Award from Governor Charlie Crist).
Yet, the new law really comes down to street level common sense, and increased social benefits, say advocates. “Floyd here once shot a guy messing with his satellite dish and it caused him all kinds of legal trouble, red tape, paperwork, phone calls to the Governor, and money for lawyers before it got taken care of. Now, think of the millions the government is saving by not having to incarcerate the perp! The benefits to the taxpayer are already starting to show. We’re getting new blocking sleds for the high school football team, and, for the first time in three years, new band uniforms!”
You may also want to know this about the Casey Anthony trial. ABC News apparently paid $200,000 to the Anthony defense team. They also covered the trial. Think about that. While you do, is the next frontier someone pitching a sexy crime to a network and negotiating a reality show? You heard it here first. Oh, don’t believe me about ABC News, read it <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/lawyers-reveal-abc-news-paid-200000-to-casey-anthony-family_b25120" title="Here” target=”_blank”>
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