This is What I Still Have to Live For… I guess.
© 2011, Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved
This is what I saw on a Thanksgiving night bus ride last year after volunteering serving dinner to the homeless. Sorry for the shaky video. It’s just another night in the underclass. By the way, the woman in the cutaway says “Driver! Control the electronic disease.” Meaning my phone.
Verdict Sends Strong Message that “Some mothers deserve a mulligan.”
Orlando – The verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial is already having a sweeping effect on what is called justice in Florida. Anthony, suspected of murdering her infant daughter Caylee Benet, was found not guilty on all charges relating to the death. She was convicted of a few misdemeanors but not on any of the child endangerment charges despite incredibly not reporting her daughter’s disappearance for 31 days. Sources close to Anthony say she “had no time because she was working out for a hot body contest at a fuckin’ epic new club. So, we were prioritizing so you can obviously see it was time sensitive.” Legal experts (okay just me) say this is an important step in allowing “post-birth abortion, apparently up to three years post-delivery. It’s a big win for mothers like Anthony who realize the inconvenience of having a child and deserve a mulligan.”
“Much of anti-abortion America is far more comfortable with abortion as long as it’s after the 14th trimester. Before that, they say it’s immoral, perhaps because the fetus needs to be born to “get into the system?” After that, they’re cool with it. The death penalty after all is just retroactive abortion, so you can say they’re pro-choice of choosing who they want to kill.”
The truly stunning thing is that I have no idea if Casey Anthony murdered her daughter or not. I am shocked, however, that the various child endangerment/neglect charges were somehow not proved. I only caught up to this case yesterday because she’s a brunette and it wasn’t covered much on my cable. Any woman who doesn’t report her child missing for a month and want help finding her is guilty of child abuse.
The font of all wisdom that is Kim Kardashian, an expert on legal matters such as providing sage judicial advice to her father Robert in the acquittal of O.J. Simpson in the trial of the last century expressed her outrage on Twitter moments after the verdict with her typical exclamation mark assault in the place of words to express emotion.
Sources close to defense lawyer Jose Baez (no relation to Joan I am pretty much positive) said the defense team celebrated with champagne and the Baez daughters doing rounds of Jaeger body shots in anticipation of their sure to be forthcoming untitled reality show. The series was slated to be called “Keeping Up With The Baez’s”, according to somebody,”but the smartass making up this quote said the apostrophe is wrong there so I’m like what are you? A teacher?” No.
Moments later, O.J. Simpson announced that he would lead the hunt to find Caylee Anthony’s real killer if somebody would just get him the fuck out of this Vegas jail.
Florida elected George Bush. Now this. What’s next? A year ago, I wrote this after the “concealed carry and suspicion of a threat” law putting legal murder into the hands of private citizens as well as, of course, cops. This could be happening in the Sunshine State soon:
Zero Percent Murder Rate is Lowest in the Country
By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved
Ocala, Florida — “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,” exclaimed Ocala, Florida police chief Phil Procopio, as he showed off charts and binders full of slick graphics to indicate a 100% drop in the murder rate to 0%, the lowest rate in the country. “Legalizing murder has not only eliminated it completely, making our community unique in the country, but has also improved our ranking on Parade Magazine’s list of the 10,000 Best Places to Live in America — up two places to number 9,997! That’s a community effort we should all be proud of.”
White Floridians Applaud New Rulings
Citizens have applauded the move enthusiastically. “I used to worry about being murdered whenever I went downtown or to a ballgame, “said Gus Cherniak, a private security consultant for the Golf Manor Estates (a gated community on the north side of the city), “now we really don’t have to worry at all. This new law has taken away the fear our citizens used to have.” Now, if they feel unsure about someone, Floridians can just shoot them with an assault rifle or kill them with a taser first. “This has made life for our neighborhood citizens’ patrols much easier, instead of always worrying about legal grey areas.”
What in other communities might be called “vigilantism”, in Florida it’s called “preventive vigilantism — not that vigilantism is a bad word around here. After all, let’s remember that some of America’s greatest heroes are vigilantes. Batman, Superman, Bernard Goetz, Jack Ruby, all of them. We’re just following in what we think is a heroic American tradition”, added Cherniak. “We’re all just good old American crime-fighting superheroes.”
The only thing separating a vigilante from a superhero is a costume and a good publicist. — Joe Bodolai
Police Chief Procopio suggested that the program should go beyond Florida. “I’d like to see this law be extended nationwide, especially into communities where there are lots of prisons and Democratic voters” said the much-decorated law enforcer (a winner of the local Crime Dog Man of the Year Award from Governor Charlie Crist).
Yet, the new law really comes down to street level common sense, and increased social benefits, say advocates. “Floyd here once shot a guy messing with his satellite dish and it caused him all kinds of legal trouble, red tape, paperwork, phone calls to the Governor, and money for lawyers before it got taken care of. Now, think of the millions the government is saving by not having to incarcerate the perp! The benefits to the taxpayer are already starting to show. We’re getting new blocking sleds for the high school football team, and, for the first time in three years, new band uniforms!”
You may also want to know this about the Casey Anthony trial. ABC News apparently paid $200,000 to the Anthony defense team. They also covered the trial. Think about that. While you do, is the next frontier someone pitching a sexy crime to a network and negotiating a reality show? You heard it here first. Oh, don’t believe me about ABC News, read it <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/lawyers-reveal-abc-news-paid-200000-to-casey-anthony-family_b25120" title="Here” target=”_blank”>
Suggestion in Above Headline May be Provided for My Entertainment
By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved (except those owned by the video creators below)
The world is full of people expressing themselves in such idiosyncratic deeply individual ways that makes me realize we are all like fingerprints and snowflakes. You can not be duplicated; neither can the moment that goes by in which you are not yourself. Many artists find the confidence to unleash their personal wtf-ness only later in life; some blossom with the carefree confidence of the naïve. Some, like Michael Jackson or some teen stars, display enough confidence and commitment in presenting themselves early in life but become marionettes of commercial culture. Some later become controlled by financial decisions rather than the mysterious emotional and creative often unconscious lunges that speak no language but their own. Some never get the chance. Others let it pass by without knowing. Not all of this originality is great art, nor always even entertaining, but maybe it provides a singular spiritual purpose that it is not for us to know. It may speak from a place above the material and while Lady Gaga’s ideogrammatic characterizations are in step with the commercial, they are also very personal. I am not kidding when I refer to her as a “world spiritual leader”. I think I can speak for her when I say to those of you who speak your own language, leave your own fingerprints at the scene of your own crime, we love you. Which is why I love her.
Be the best possible version of yourself.
The videos below are two examples of what I mean about finding voices outside of the mainstream. Each is beyond easy articulation. Just flat out leave you speechless or “gaga”. First is a courageous, original, and funny comedy troupe from Norway. Comedian Jesper Odelsberg and his troupe: New Wheels on the Block, letting us know his balls are okay. He’s on the right track baby, he was born this way.
His Wheelchair is a Sex Machine!
The family below is European, I think. And from earth. I think. They have no self-consciousness about expressing their desire and divinely inspired determination to alleviate their collective bedwetting. The little kid brings the R&B funk to the funky bedclothes and the women of the family may or may not moonlight as Amish hookers. I hope you will sing “ain’t gonna pee-pee” aloud as you go on your way today.nkies
The Funky Bedwetter feat. the Amish Hookers
You may laugh at, you may laugh with, but just laugh so you can feel it.
When I talk about Lady Gaga’s originality, it has nothing to do with taste, or being “derivative of Madonna” or being in mainstream pop music. (Toronto artist Jana Sterback created a meat dress at the Art Gallery of Ontario in the early 70s, by the way.) Costumes are not who she is, but don’t discount the message she sends with what she wears. Some are bullied for what they wear and she sends a message to stand out. She is a major pop artist, with major talent, but she is a conceptual artist and moral force to me. A victim of bullying herself, she speaks for diversity, acceptance, choice, and respect and anyone whose bad romance can turn into a kickass dance groove. Right now, I’m just celebrating all those who gain the confidence from her to be themselves. The person you are best at being is you. Oh, and I have taken the liberty of speaking for Lady Gaga before, if you caught that irony, right here. She’s kinda busy being the she that she is.
Be Yourself, Be Your Own DNA-mazing!
Real artistic statement, even when wildly commercially successful such as Lady Gaga, can be a moral statement. I personally believe that Satire Can Help Make Evil a Bit More Uncool
For a long, casual and revealing interview with Lady Gaga, here is a link to her appearance at Google.
Osama Bin Laden Still Dead Again as Americans Celebrate USA! USA!!
By Joe Bodolai, © 2011, All Rights Reserved
Note: Portions May Be Redacted in Interests of Something or Someone
The CIA and Neocons Evil Muslim Hot Chick Hating Terrorists need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They have relied on updated but outdated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention associates of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some new lookalikes. Their campaign of fake and cheesy chilling videos seems to have hit a new low frightening tone with this one. Like I said, the video Pentagon analysis suggests that the lookalike actor bin Laden displayed all the amateurish sophisticated mannerisms of an audition tape and bad lighting complete with the usual ridiculously outdated references
up to the minute clues in the
fifth grader incoherent babble sophisticated rhetoric that only a total lameass or attentive WalMart shopper trained intelligence analyst could recognize as a total pile of crap frightening call to action that deserved gales of laughter and ridicule urgent military response and security measures such as admitting that the war on terror is a sham standing together taking off our belts for TSA tightening our belts and dropping our pants and bending over renewing our wars everywhere with an idiotic and murderous shotgun approach with a precise asswipe of a plan designed by our military strategic experts roomful of chimpanzees.
The official version includes a photo of the White House War Room that some say has been Photoshopped for those Americans who have no idea what our real leaders look like:
Since the real ex-CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on barrel scrapings site Craigslist.
Click on picture to enlarge.
Bin Laden was apparently killed in a raid ordered by President Barack Obama in what anonymous White House sources like me said was a “stroke of luck.” The anonymous really smart source said “the President starts each day with
a huge shit serious reflection on the nation’s needs and checking White Sox box scores calling on our military to stop bugging him about veterans’ health care “get bin Laden” but this morning he almost forgot.” Luckily, the source said, “Michelle his people in Israel jokingly suggested ordered him to “you really oughta get some more good press bin Laden because even after the White House Correspondents Dinner rise, your approval rating is down America needs closure from Donald Trump hair jokes.”
In a remarkable
plan by the CIA coincidence, the assassination of bin Laden was “live Tweeted” by a CIA plant simple Pakistani IT technician named “Dave” whose Twitter CIA handle is @ReallyVirtual. He has since signed an “earwitness Live Tweeting” deal with online gossip site TMZ and is reportedly working “the Lohan beat” hoping for some “coke use or hot lesbian sex.”
bin Laden lookalike patsy feared ultra-terrorist was reportedly fooled by a crack shot Delta Force or now Navy SEAL sniper posing as late arriving hummus delivery man as he was about to launch his latest devious plan watch “Glee”. Also found in the compound bachelor pad were the latest in suicide bomber devices a shitload of porn mags. Evidence that he was planning to release an even newer tape included the latest terrorist video Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and the even more deadly poison “Jam” by Kim Kardashian.
The anonymous Navy SEAL sniper who shot bin Laden in the eye said he learned his marksmanship skills from watching porn.
After DNA was verified by comparing it with bin Laden’s sister’s DNA
CIA employee file, the body was buried “according to bullshit passed off as Muslim custom” at sea along with Donald Trump’s 2012 Presidential bid. Former Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush, in a Sober Somber Moment upon hearing of “the whole Osama deal” renewed his 9-11 vow to “finish reading My Pet Goat.
Like this? Say so. Or say it ain’t so Joe! Links to the right for more satire, sports, pop culture, and comedy.
“Madonna Can’t Carry Lady Gaga’s Jock!” — Joe Bodolai”
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Forget comparing Lady Gaga to Madonna, even if you mean the BVM and not the pop star. Gagaloo lands a swift kick to the nutsacks who are freaked out by those who challenge old school female role models. Like the new wave of female comedy stars and styles, such as the hit Bridesmaids, she proves women don’t need balls to be ballsy. Her recent appearance with David Letterman did not dispel any of the rumours surrounding her as she ate the host’s notes and questions. So, in an exclusive interview with me, despite rumours to the contrary, World Spiritual Leader Lady Gaga denied that she was a hermaphrodite in an interview I claim was with fellow near-hermaphrodite Barbara Walters. Say It Ain’t So, Joe! Executive Editor Joe Bodolai explained her explanation on his imaginary nationally-televised current affairs program “What They Meant to Say Even if They Didn’t Actually Say It.”
“Gaga meant to say “I know people think I’m packing meat and two veg AND a big taco, which would be so truthy and artsy! So if they think it, it can be true. I empower my little monsters’ minds in a sexy, androgynous, way and the bullies are scared of her, I mean me…oh just watch her, I mean, my videos…”, articulated Bodolai. “Having sex organs of both popular kinds has its ups and downs and ins and outs,” she would have continued. “The reality of having a pathetically undersized penis combined with huge flappy labia would be the worst of both worlds… in reality I mean. But for me, it’s cool! I have a chance to win more awards, like Best Male Vocalist, Best Female Vocalist, and, of course, “Best Male AND Female Vocalist”. Besides, if people tell me to “go fuck myself”, I actually can!”
ON ANOTHER NOTE: While it may appear that by making fun of some of the media sensations that Lady Gaga has been in the midst of, there is no doubt that she is a major talent, a truly important spiritual voice for equality, acceptance, and diversity. In the clip at the link below, she reveals how she was bullied in high school and how that has influenced her songwriting. A true major talent:
Several Prominent Aliens Announce: “Time to Stop Hiding”
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Zontar, Thing from Venus, admitted to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! reporters today that he, and many other aliens are living on earth undetected. “My earth name may be Amy Winehouse, but I am really from a dive bar on the Venus equivalent of Buffalo.“
When reports leaked that Thing from Venus confessed, numerous other aliens also spoke up. ”It’s time we stopped the charade,“ said Angelyne, whose alien name was revealed to be Morp Flepnop. ”I’ve been spying on earth in earthly form with a realistic (sic) human body but I have also disguised myself as a billboard on Sunset Boulevard.“
When asked about her alien name, Flepnop replied ”on my planet Moop Flepnop is the equivalent of your ‘Dave’.“
Other aliens who have come forth include Glipfung J. Fuppletit (aka “Snooki”) who said “I was wondering how long it would take for my unearthly orange skin and the black fern fronds growing from my cranial surface would be cause for your suspicion. Ironically, I do love Nati Lite.”
Aliens have been particularly successful at disguising themselves as “celebrities” on reality shows, said Vupflargo Bellyputz (aka “Bruce Jenner”) “After all, our appearance is reality showlike and is unnoticed by anyone with an IQ under 80. There are others who have not come out, it added, “but I think if you look for signs such as oversized plush Milky Way asses and an overabundance of annoying space lichens, which appear to be body hair. Others of us should be easy to spot. We often live among you as real housewives with simulated protoplasm so real it’s actually an otherworldly gel of hormones, pig semen, and the meconium of the Sacred Infants of Beetelgeuse, it cryptically concluded.
More revelations are due to come in the following days. Stay tuned to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! for more on this breaking story.
BREAKING! Suspected Synthete Heidi Montag” body analysis revealed to be 96% synthetic materials 4% sodium benzoate added as preservative. .
“We Shall Overcome!” Says Spokesbitch. Teach Celebrity Rights in Schools, Not Just on MTV!
By Joe Bodolai
At a splashy press conference held at Mr. Chow’s restaurant in Beverly Hills, the newly-formed American Celebrity Liberties Union (ACLU), made up of some of Hollywood’s most obnoxious publicists, today lauded a new bill they have managed to launch in the California legislature. The bill, they said, would finally “guarantee fundamental super-human rights for Celebrity-Americans”. Under the proposed bill, celebrities would be allowed long sought tax breaks, the right to own automatic weapons and hire private militia, freedom from “harrassing DUI and drug charges and assault immunity on paparazzi” and even the right to special police protection during natural disasters or terrorist attacks. “There’s no doubt that Celebrity-Americans are the country’s backbone,” said ACLU spokesperson Lizzie Gruntman, “we can’t have them inconvenienced during emergencies, let alone their fabulous daily lives. America needs them to inspire and lead, just as they always have. It’s time for the oppression to stop. Oh, and legalize paparazzi murder. I said that out loud, right? Good, somebody needs to.
Grubman also exhorted the paparazzi to be “better at their jobs and aim higher. Instead of horrible candid drunk photos, inspire us with nip slips and pantiless limo exits.”
She also pointed out the “horrible double standard” by which Celebrity-Americans have been “exploited for years” and demanded that Celebrity Rights be taught in schools. She pointed out “the tragic case of Martha Stewart, whom, she explains, “didn’t commit anywhere near as bad a crime as Ken Lay of Enron but because she’s a celebrity she had to do hard time while he, a mere rich crook, went free.” Sporting an officially licensed “Leave Lindsay Alone!” button, Gruntman also campaigned for the cause of Lindsay Lohan, “a young Celebrity-American woman who has been harassed by the jealous legal system with numerous drug and traffic charges.” She also brought up the case of Britney Spears, who has been persecuted in the past over “pointless inquiries into child care, marriage documents and the like. We must preserve Celebrity-Americans’ right to trophy adoption and drunken impulse marriage.”
The Union also agreed that they would lobby on behalf of those who are only “part Celebrity”, such as Snooki, the Kardashians, or other people appearing in reality (sic) television shows. ”These people need bodyguards, entourages, better free swag, and the other basics of celebrity life, such as VIP entrance to clubs and major sporting events and private audiences with the Pope. After all, would you rather see Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room or Mike ”The Situation’s“ Room? ” Come on, that’s a no-brainer!”
Gruntman moved the crowd with her exhortation to “imagine, if you will, the aftermath of a terrorist attack, thousands of civilians or “filler people” dead or wounded. Cell phones wouldn’t work. Children and staff need to be contacted. Wouldn’t you want your celebrities to have satellite phones? Armed bodyguards? Generators to keep the Sub-Zero refrigerators going? Or private planes with Air Force fighter escorts to lead them to safety? Of course you would. We’re talking not only about the freedom of today’s celebrities but also their celebrity children. Who speaks for them?”
Gruntman drew her loudest cheers from the celebrities with her comments that “what ordinary people think of as ‘special privileges’ are, for Celebrity-Americans, just long overdue fundamental celebrity rights… fuck this latte is cold!” and threw it into the face of her earnest young intern. “You bitch! You know I want it at 167 degrees! Not your pasty ass body temperature and stop fucking crying!”
Seroquel XR® ? Now that’s Depressing!
Quetiapine fumarate is Seroquel XR. Is My Description of Risk of Death So Wrong? strong>
The pharmaceutical industry loves side effects because they create needs for more drugs to treat side effects. The new commercial for a supposed anti-depressant drug called “Seroquel XR” leads off its litany of side effects disclaimer with “some safety information you should be aware of.” Like “Seroquel may cause an increased risk of death.” If I wanted an “increased risk of death” there are other equally wise risk-enhancing choices, like sharing a needle and having unprotected sex with chimpanzees while mainlining heroin with drunk Ice Road Truckers in an Iraqi minefield while juggling live chainsaws with Jeffrey Dahmer on a PCP run while you’re slowly sipping on Gin and Clorox and jumping into a shark tank while having your period or suffering a bleeding head wound. Who knows, they might provide the same amount of relief from…what is it this is supposed to be taken for?
And Now For Something Completely Different
Drugs have side effects and I’m just glad that I can relate to the guys in this remarkable Norwegian story of courage, recovery, and relief:
Damn, I’ll just have to ask my white coated drug dealer if Seroquel is right for me or more right for him.
“Debbie Does Dialysis” Comes in at Number One, Then Comes Again
All Booty Channel Launches With Back for Days
By Joe Bodolai © All rights reserved
Calabasas, California – The American Porn Film Institute today released its list of the top porn films of all time and, as expected, the number one selection was the classic about a sexy nurse who provides oral resuscitation in a kidney treatment center, “Debbie Does Dialysis”, which outdistanced the highbrow entry “William Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Penis”, “Pump Friction”, and the moving “Schindler’s DIck”.
The Institute also released their controversial list of “Mainstream Movies That Have Stolen Porn Titles”, naming “Dick Tracy” number one in the new category for its “Joycean imperative sentence title evoking “Finnegans Wake”. Other notable films on the list included the prodigious “8-1/2” and the episodic montage “The 400 Blows”.
Another new “urban booty” category was also announced with ““Driving Miss Daisy’s Booty” finishing second to “Booty and The Beast.” The “urban” category was sponsored by the new All Booty Channel, recently launched to provide bodacious booty 24/7.
For the full list, the APFI suggested that porn lovers make up their own titles and post them as comments.
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