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iTunes and James Joyce? It’s My College Football Weekend in Review
Ke$ha, Mumford & Son, Break it Down Musically, With Footnotes, After Most Pretentious Opening Line Ever
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
Eyepatch? Pretentious? Absolument pas!
When I was at Cambridge, where there was no college football as we know it (which may also be said of insert your rival here), I took a course on the celebrated author James Joyce, taught by the foremost Joyce expert in the world, Sir Francis Warner. Sir Francis was from Oxford[1], and his lectures consisted of analyzing Joyce’s dense passages by pointing out the author’s clever latticework of couched references to the Sacraments, the Ten Commandments, the Seven Deadly Sins, and other Christian Do’s and Don’t lists. I asked the esteemed professor a more polite version of the brash American question, “what’s the point?” I got an exceedingly polite whine-and-cheese answer, but I don’t remember what the point of that was either. Does Joyce’s prose have meaning? Or is it just a pointless clever word game? I don’t know so I’ll just try a two-point conversion. Apparently my education has qualified me for cheesy unpaid sportswriting. In the spirit of pretentious and shallow allusions to other irrelevant pretentious and shallow allusions, here’s my Joycean recap of the weekend’s college football in which I couch what I hope you will think of as insights behind the sexy and apparently frivolous veneer of pop music. Or, for you SEC fans, “I ‘cued up a mess of songs and band names with some roadkill of what was goin’ on in football. Y’all can make sense of it real quick. Hell, you know SEC’s got speed!”
Michigan: “We R Who We R”. Offense: lookin’ sick and sexified. Defense? Stockings ripped all up the side.
Blue R Who Blue R
You’re supposed to be hittin’ on dudes. Hard,” not giving up 65 points to Illinois! You’re Michigan dammit! GadZooks! How does a Citizen Cope?
Penn State: “Little Lion Man” Joe Pa wins his 400th game and you know you’ve seen this all before. Spurned by one recruit’s dad as Mr. Mumford & Son Aaron pick Rutgers. (True…ish. Bing it.)[2]
Nebraska: Wins without Taylor Swift[3] as Iowa State fails on a fake extra point in overtime. Cyclones coach Paul (“Randy”) Rhoads says “je ne regrette rien”, except in English with cool football coach accent. (Side note: losing quarterback is named “Artaud” for extra grand guignol.)
Alabama: losing to the Actual Tigers, I’d say “busted flat in Baton Rouge” if maybe a hundred other writers didn’t already do that. Besides, I’m using this week’s iTunes, not Nick Saban’s Walkman. LSU fans on Rue Bourbon Ra Ra Riot.
Indiana: Waka Flocka Flame! “No Hands[4]” Damario Belcher burps on a sure thing game-winning no catch which would have upset Iowa on the last play of the game. Whip My Hair!
Flo Rida: The Gators Turn Around. In nature’s perfect harmony, the song referred to herein is a favourite at strip clubs, as are Gator players. Spell your state’s name? Sound it out Gator recruits. You can do it! Or here, this nice pretty girl tutor can spell it for you.
Read This Instead
TCU:
Christians slaughter Utes and it’s not even Columbus Day! [5] (What’s this about them changing conferences? A Far East Movement?) I discovered there is a Texas Christian University Jazz Ensemble recording available[6], something that amuses the flaming hades out of me when I think of the origins of the word “jazz” and combine it with “Christian”. Their rhythm method must be pumpin’ hard on one track called, seriously, Bone Appetit. That’s for you DirtyHeads. Okay, that’s enough of this… Oh wait… The inevitable …
Boise State:
Oh, now do I have to say something about Boise State? Related to music? And football? Good freakin’ Charlotte, I give up. On a related non-musical note (get it sportswriters?) here’s the Boise State fight song (sic). Hum along if you can. By the way, the lyrics include the words “Boise’s proud tradition[7] heads up competition. Glory for B.S., B.S.U.” Glory for B.S. indeed. Okay, spudlovers, please win out and play TCU for the “national championship.” In that way “the system” will work; it will finally be truly “mythical” and I won’t have to listen to this anymore.
And finally, Texas: Remember Texas? Remember 2005? Even 2009? Instead of crying over the loss to Kansas State and a quarterback who had exactly nine (9) yards passing while yours had five (5) interceptions, are you nostalgically watching Colt McCoy quarterbacking the Cleveland Browns beating the Patriots 34-14? If you are, here’s Kelly Clarkson, singing 2005′s hit Since You’ve Been Gone.
Happy memories, and good luck recruiting!
[1] England, not Mississippi, SEC fans.
[2] Thanks to me, Microsoft now gets its own verb, just like Google.
[3] Sensational freshman quarterback Taylor Martinez sat out due to an ankle injury.
[4] Charting at Number 20 this week, approximately 68 places higher than Indiana
[5] For a more thorough analysis of this confrontation, see Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States
[6] I have no idea where. You actually want to listen to this?
[7] See artificial turf by Monsanto, available in blue. Pretty much nothing else seems to qualify as one of their “traditions”. It “heads up” competition though. They are without a doubt the premier blue plastic carpet team in the nation. Take that Red Grange.
Cam Newton Promises to Return Heisman
And Other College Football Headlines of the Day
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Newton's Law? Return Heisman
If he wins it, Cam Newton has promised to “return the Heisman Trophy, “most def.” The Auburn phenom is in the midst of a scandal involving allegations of payments made during his recruitment period which, if true, would likely make him ineligible and also bring sanctions against the university. While such sanctions would just fustercluck the college football landscape yet again, Newton said “I’ll give the mother(expletive) back once I sign my NFL deal. I am all about college football tradition and proud to be mentioned in the same breath as Reggie Bush.”
NOTRE DAME RENAMES ICONIC MURAL “FIELD GOAL JESUS”
"Inconsequential Field Goal Jesus"
The famous mural of Jesus Christ, a leading religious figure, looking over Notre Dame Stadium with arms upraised as if signifying a score, has been unofficially renamed “Inconsequential Field Goal Jesus”. The mural was previously known as “Touchdown Jesus” but Vatican Sports Information Director Cardinal Roberto Petrino explained the change was “due to the team’s miraculous ability to kick meaningless field goals in the fourth quarter of blowout losses.”
BLACKWATER ADMITS ARMY’S NEW “DESERT CAMO” UNIFORMS DANGEROUS ON GREEN TURF
Camo Unis No Flage
Xe, formerly Blackwater, a major supplier of crap to U.S. troops at criminally hyperinflated prices, finally admitted that the camouflage uniforms supplied to Army’s football team were “more appropriate” to a desert or dirt surface, and not the green of most college football fields. “It was an oversight,” admitted LeRoy Cashman, Chief Oversight Designer for the company, “when the efficacy of Boise State’s blue uniforms matching their blue turf was pointed out by our CIA contacts we thought, ha! That’s cool! How do opposing defenses even see them?” The company said it would resupply more faulty equipment immediately at even more outrageous prices. “We may also be looking at getting into beer sales in stadiums where markups are more in line with our corporate culture.”
High in the Middle
USC, MICHIGAN, STILL ON PROBATION
No story, just a reminder. Enjoy your day.
Get Your Aflac On: The Ducks’ Stats are Sick
Oregon’s Defense Unsung Heroes of High Velocity Offense
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Gratuitous Photo Added Here
This has not been one of those college football seasons where there are one or two teams so clearly above the rest that they will be memorable. Alabama, Florida, Texas, Ohio State, USC, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and the usual powerhouses have not all been even very good, but really, are they water cooler cool? I mean, is there one team that you just have to talk about Monday morning at the rehab checkin? Other than fantasy favorites Brazil’s national women’s beach volleyball team.
"Sir, that end zone is closed tonight."
Oh, but there’s Oregon. The Ducks are averaging 55 points a game, 560 total yards, first in points per game, but — get this — 108th in time of possession! Okay, we know they score faster than John Mayer at a Grammys afterparty, but how about the defense? The Oregon defense’s play may be the unrecognized college football story of the season so far. Consider this: when UCLA scored on the Ducks in the final two minutes of Thursday’s 60-13 win, those were the first points they have allowed in the fourth quarter all season! Conventional wisdom, the kind of wisdom that says “we need to wear out their defense by using up the clock”, doesn’t seem to apply. These guys are on the field about 40% more than their offense. Aren’t they the ones that are supposed to be winded, “gassed”, hands on hips, “needing a blow” — oh wait, that’s Lindsay Lohan. If they are, why don’t opponents score on them later in the game, when it’s long already out of reach? Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? This kind of a stat is about as out of place as a Shiite at a Bar Mitzvah.
The Ducks run a two-minute drill the whole game. Their defense has to practice against them! No wonder the Ducks’ defensive players watching their opponents in a huddle look more impatient than a lawyer on a cell phone in line at Starbucks. They play with the “velocity” (Jim Tressel’s word) of a video game.
We’ll know a lot more about the Ducks when they face USC, who, as usual, somehow seems to get an extra week to prepare for their big games. For bowl-deprived USC, this will be their big chance of the season to show the nation yadda yadda yadda woot woot woo… and whatever other arrogant crap they can come up with now.
Where's Boise's "Latke Legion"?
With Oklahoma,Nebraska, LSU, Texas all losing , too bad Boise State didn’t play. They sure could use the whining opportunity. I guess they’re resting up to battle powerhouse Louisiana Tech on Tuesday. They will probably benefit from the extra practice time, as they did with the whole year they had to prep for Virginia Tech.
Before you start screaming again, Boiseisians (or whatever you are called), I do want you to win. I just wish I knew who the hell you are. Last week, I complained about not knowing about your traditions. This week, may I suggest some? How about coming out in a formation called “The Potato Gun?” or maybe the Jewish Student’s (sic) Union could initiate a “latke out” like Penn State’s “white out”? Unsold Cookbook of the Week: “Jewish Tailgating Favorites.”
A week when Michigan and USC don’t play is a week I am deprived of enjoying them losing, and losing
26 Consecutive Losses Make Victory Sweet
in some ignominious humiliating fashion. I really hope that happens to the Trojans next week when the Ducks travel to Southern California, but I’m sure you can guess that. In the meantime, I can savor Ohio State’s 49-0 rout, Alabama’s 41-10 win, Michigan State’s comeback against Northwestern, and Wisconsin holding on to beat Iowa 31-30 in the most exciting game of the week, all great showings by great teams. If I had to pick one very happy team and their long-suffering fans, however, it would have to be Western Kentucky, who snapped the nation’s longest losing streak at 26.
Send your congratulations to coach Willie Taggart and the Hilltoppers, who trounced Louisiana-Lafayette 54-21. Willie’s email address:
Tell him Joe sent ya… Every now and then, that’s what college football is all about.
A la recherche du Big Games perdu. Or Sometimes “Purdue”
Great Losses Build Great Traditions. Are You Listening Boise State?
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
I wasn’t planning on writing about college football today, but then I didn’t plan on my current haircut turning out like this either. Uncertainty over the plot surprises Saturday’s journey through the schedule brings and how it’s going to end is what I really love about college football more than any other sport. Ohio State’s loss to Wisconsin is a bad haircut they’re going to have to wear this fall, just as they had to endure the unexpected buzz cut at the hands of Purdue last season. Just as Alabama must after their mullet of a loss to South Carolina. I mean, it’s not ghastly or shocking like the pink mohawk the Michigan Wolverines had to wear to the church of St. J. Crew in Ann Arbor on that Sunday after losing to Appalachian State. They now have to wear the geeky no-bowl cut they’ve been sporting thanks to stylist Mr. RichRod of NastyKuts.
Fans of college football teams with great rich traditions are used to enduring the pain of great losses, especially to great rivals,
Now that's a rivalry!
in the great story arcs that cover decades and are passed on through generations. Like Ohio State, Michigan, and every other Big Ten team, or Alabama and every other SEC team, or Oregon (my number one team right now) vs. Oregon State in their “civil war”, these annual matchups are often full of storylines that include redemption and revenge and “bragging rights”, which is often a euphemism for insightful analyses, usually slurred screams using the word “suck.”
Great losses make great victories possible even during the regular season. Even when there is no “mythical national championship” on the line, or even if the two teams are not “ranked” in the “Top Ten”, the Ohio State – Michigan game is almost always the biggest of the year. Just ask Buckeye fans about the crushing loss in 1997, or Wolverine fans about their sixth consecutive loss in the rivalry last year. The SEC may be full of Hatfields and McCoys, but OSU-Michigan is all Sunni-Shiite.
So this is why I cannot care about Boise State. First of all, they play on blue turf! Yes, I’m a traditionalist. I think football should be played on real green grass. I still hate artificial turf but at least it’s supposed to be green. So I’m a traditionalist also in thinking corn should come from seeds, not from Monsanto, which, coincidentally, created Astroturf.
As they are one of a dwindling number of undefeated teams, college football fans really should care about Boise State. We really really should. And we should floss three times a day. So let’s try. What exactly are Boise State’s long and storied traditions? Here is their entire list as found on their totally not official website boise.stateuniversity.com.
Boise State University Traditions
“Few trademarks are as recognizable or as proudly demonstrated as the blue astro turf of Bronco Stadium. Every televised game and following highlight makes the stadium undeniably recognizable to every Bronco fan across the country.”
That’s all? That is the entire section! So the turf at Bronco Stadium is a “trademark”? Or do they mean the Blue “astro turf[1]” (sic) that is “recognizable to every Bronco fan across the country?” No, wait, “undeniably recognizable!” (“Excuse me, Mr. Potatohead. I deny that you recognize that turf!”) I’m sorry, but buckeyes and winged helmets are recognized by every college football fan across the country! So there’s no “dotting the I” in Boise? No “potato bowl” trophy in a rivalry with, I guess, Idaho? Just blue turf? And “Bronco fans” to me are probably more prevalent in Denver, home to the NFL Broncos, from whom the Boise State nickname, logo, and colors seem to undeniably derive, created no doubt in the halcyon shag carpet era. (Now known as the Mel Kiper Hair era.)
She Said Yes, Will BCS Computers?
Their football program does include one (1) Junior College championship in 1958, titles won in the two previous years by Texarkana Community College and Coffeyville CC. They have one (1) member of the College Football Hall of Fame, Randy Trautman, about whom the most current information listed is “photo coming soon.” Their program consists of one (1) incredible signature win – the cheerleader accepting the quarterback’s marriage proposal on live TV after they upset Oklahoma in the Doritos Tangy Nacho Bowl. Of course it was a great game, “The Little Giants” surprising everyone with a trick play is always a great feel good story. And they are no doubt a very very good football team. Just how good, and how much it really matters though, we don’t know. And I really really am trying to care. Almost as much as I do about getting more public restrooms on the Promenade in Santa Monica. Almost. Right now that matters way more.
Jennifer, Lesbians Endure Heartbreaking Losses
Your team needs some “signature losses”. Losses that derail hopes. Losses that last a long time. Like Jennifer felt losing Brad. Then watching him score with Angelina. That stuff hurts, not to mention the envy losers feel, like lesbians watching somebody else hook up with their dreamgirl Angelina and then it having be a man! Must be almost as bad as USC fans watching Vince Young hold up the Coaches’ Trophy.
Boiseans, Boiseites, Boisereans, root like hell. I really do hope your team goes undefeated. I know that 48-0 win yesterday over…. let’s see… San Jose State must have been another barnburner with just 41 style points coming in the first half. And yeah, you did beat Virginia Tech. But unless there’s a matchup between you and Division I.IX James Madison, who also beat Virginia Tech, we won’t really know much. Stay healthy, finish out your exhibition season, then, please go and lose in the National Championship game or the Rose Bowl or something that will actually mean something and hurt. Hell, win the damn game! The one thing you don’t have is a past, at least not one that matters a whole pile of potatoes to anybody. Losses build a history to make winning matter!
Like a new gang member, you have to get “jumped in”. It might hurt, but until then, you can’t wear the colors.
In the meantime, try to enjoy the Boise State fight song here, which literally does fight good taste to actually be called a song. It’s apparently played after every Broncos touchdown, of which there have been 2,935 scads in recent years, meaning that even after all this repetition the fact that no one who is not actually in the Boise State band can even hum it kinda sums up the whole lack of impact on the national football consciousness thing or something. Sorry, got distracted… Auburn-Arkansas highlights are on.
[1] Astroturf ® is a registered trademark of the Monsanto Corporation and, as people who run a university should know, is spelled as one word.
USC’s Big Win, Trojans Fail Again, Bucks Rule, Shoelace Trips On Self…
Another Perfect Saturday of College Football
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
Alabama's Ground Game -- Not Enough Yards for a Mangino Suit
USC’s big win stunned the nation, as the Illegal Fighting Roosters of South Carolina upset the mighty Toxic Sludge of Alabama 35-21. They held the previous unstoppable running back duo of last year’s Heisman winner Mark Ingram and the guy who some said was even better, Trent Richardson, to a combined 64 yards! Hell, that’s less yardage than Mark Mangino needs for a suit! Oh, and the hypage attached to their defense will now turn to excusiosity in Tuscaloosa, which I believe is the title of an old blues tune.
Oh, and I refer to them as “USC” as in University of South Carolina since it was founded in 1805, 75 years before the University of Southern California. The Trojans, however, recently won a legal battle to claim rights to the use of the letters “USC”, three crucial letters required to spell the word “suck”.
The Trojans may want to reconsider that legal decision now so that when someone says “did you hear that USC beat the number one team in the nation?” people will think it was they. (Don’t worry, we all know it’s not “them”.) Instead, they again provided my favorite TV Cutaway of the Weekend as Stanford’s game winning field goal went through the uprights. This left the USC bench looking as if they were watching the thugs from Operation Repo tow away their booster-bought Impalas.
My own schadenfreudish sensibility, however, would not mind the Trojans finishing say 9-3 and being “bowl eligible”, and grind their teeth at being “bowl ineligible”. While this punishes the current roster of innocent-until-proven-guilty players, it also does penalize the folks at Heritage Hall by forcing them to call their counterparts in Oregon and beg for some extra Rose Bowl tickets or take up Snoop Dogg on his offer for a free Samsung big screen to watch Boise State on New Year’s Day.
Speaking of Boise State, and only because we must, they continue to win and amp up their fine whining to screech level. Please, Sports Information Directors, keep going until you are at such a high pitch that only dogs can hear it. I won’t. I know it’s unfair and all, but Boise is just not a place I think of where they play big time college football. Tuscaloosa, Columbus, Ann Arbor, Austin, Eugene, etc. is where they play college football. Boise is where they watch college football. Please flame away Bronco fans, but remember, you play on blue turf!
I won’t mention Texas Christian University because it’s Sunday, a day of rest. They need it. They won by only 45 “style points”, which is pretty much what they will rack up the rest of the season.
While it is always a good day for Buckeye fans when Michigan loses, the luster of the glorious RichRod era is beginning to wear off. Once the
Buckeyes' Domination of Wolverines as One-Sided as U.S. Invasion of Grenada
greatest rivalry in college football, the last decade has been more one-sided than the “war” between the U.S. and Grenada, except without the sunburn and mangoes.
The Wolverines’ waterbug quarterback Denard “Shoelace” Robinson held himself to only something like 87 yards rushing. While this was way more than both of Alabama’s running backs, it was less than half his video-game-stats-in-real-life average. He also managed to throw three beautiful interceptions to launch himself into the rarified category of “former Heisman frontrunner” with Jake Locker.
Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez demonstrated that he certainly does know how to recruit talent for his spread offense. Unfortunately, he recruits for the Big East while the Wolverines play in the Big Ten. While his spread offense is indeed effective and exciting, his “spread defense” is best described as “I can’t believe it’s not butter”.
The real big league spread offense (as in demolish the point spread) is Oregon’s. The Ducks struggled, only racking up 43 points against Washington State. I think that’s the entire State of Washington, not just the Cougars, although these Cougars get rolled quicker than the Real Housewives of New Jersey on jello shots.
Nebraska is a sleeping giant and the “waspanic” Taylor Martinez looks like he may make people forget how to spell Ndamakong Suh, except for the fact Suh gave the Cornhuskers iPads with his website as their home page. Oh, and that he hurts people on Sundays and it’s legal. Too bad he’s in the witness protection program known as the Detroit Lions. And speaking of “whatever happened to”, didn’t Texas used to be found on the rankings page without scrolling down? They’ve fallen like a baby down a well. Fortunately they landed on Georgia.
Nature's Beauty: Buckeye Leaves in Autumn
Finally, the autumn leaves are falling, the air is crisp, and the rat-tat-tat of a marching band winds its way onto the field at the Horseshoe, and the “I” is dotted on another perfect Saturday of college football… if any of those words actually had an “I” in it. Oh wait. It does. I loved it.
SUGGESTED READING FOR THIS POST:
USC LAWSUIT VS. USC: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Finally-USC-is-the-real-SC-thanks-to-U-S-Su?urn=ncaaf-274469
OHIO STATE VS. MICHIGAN: U.S. INVASION OF GRENADA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_Grenada
Shoelace a Heismaniac? Tide vs. Ducks? If Were a Sportswriter
Which I’m not… but give me a call if you need one
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
"Sure, I'll take the Heisman. Reggie's not using it."
There is no reason for this to be a new paragraph since the last one was just random ranting sentences so, what the hell: Michigan is more fun to watch than Darryl Hannah’s death scene in Blade Runner — lots of fantastic orgasmic thrashing around before the batteries run out. (Oh, if you don’t remember, she played a “pleasure robot”, which is what Rich Rodriguez calls Denard Robinson.) Michigan’s offense will score faster than The Situation in a bar full of drunk Jersey cougars. Michigan’s defense has officially become an oxymoron, emphasis on “moron”, apparently meaning Greg Robinson, their defensive “coordinator”. Robinson’s strategy of keeping the defense on the field as little as possible would be a great idea if they remembered to use the scheme called “three and out” instead of “four play scoring drive.” That’s what I’d call anyway, since Robinson seems to confuse football with golf. In football, lower score loses. Indiana’s odometer cycled up something like 700 yards, which should hold them for another five years. After all, Indiana rolled up only like 300 on the Maginot Line known as Cornhole State, or whomever they played the week before.
Sports: Confusion Reigns at Shirts’ Minicamp
Prparing for Archrival Skins a Tough Task
By Joe Bodolai (c) All rights reserved.
Oldest Rivalry in Sports
If the Shirts plan on catching their archrival Skins they had better get their heads in the game — and soon. The first session of their rookie minicamp was marred by massive confusion, resulting in 35 interceptions as players blocked and tackled their own teammates. Coach Ed Hardy said “The kids were solid physically but the mental mistakse will kill us. I’ll probably have the defense actually take their shirts off next time to better simulate the Skins’ coverages.” Hardy said he will also appeal the unofficial world-wide league’s ruling allowing liberal use of suntan oil by the Skins making them too slippery to tackle. We’re going to go to West Coast Hair Gel offense and a 4-3 Vaseline defense,” said Hardy.
The Skins have a commanding and almost insurmountable three game lead in what is the oldest rivalry in sports, with a 23,456,789,243 wins to the Shirts’ 23,456,789,240..
ESPN to Honor Black History Month with Woman Who Broke the Color Barrier
ESPN TO HONOUR COURAGEOUS ATHLETE HOT MODEL WHO BROKE COLOUR BARRIER
By Joe Bodolai © All rights reserved
Courageously Reflected Light, Made Black History
With the Super Bowl over and to honor Black History Month, ESPN plans a three-hour special devoted to the life of what ESPN terms “a courageous and enormously talented athlete” will be the first of the network’s slate of programs for the rest of the winter. “Yowza Mama! : The Tyra Banks Story” will document the life and times of the first woman to break the colour barrier of Sports Illustrated’s celebrated Swimsuit Issue. “We’ve got plenty more programs like this,” said an ESPN spokesman, “I’m scouting for talent now.”
“God’s Power Offor” is a Football Player’s Real Name? Of course… But He’s Not Barkevious Mingo!
“God’s Power Offor” and Other Real Names From College Football’s National Signing Day
This Year’s All-Name Team
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
College football has always featured players with great names, but perhaps none as truly awesome as “God’s Power Offor”, a defensive end from Miami. Some other standouts on this year’s all-name team include:
- Munchie Legaux from New Orleans is LeGeauxing to Cincinnati
- Prince Shembo will Shembonify Notre Dame
- Jose Jose is headed to Miami Miami
- Wave Ryder from, of course, Honolulu, signed with landlocked Utah State
- Fre’Shad Hunter joins the Wolfpack Fre’Sure at North Carolina State
- Furious Bradley is pissed off so look out Southern Mississippi
- Da’Rick Rogers is volunteering for Tennessee and not to be confused with other Ricks
- Toquavius Gilchrist is taking his Toquaviusness to South Carolina
Some previous all-name team stars include:
- Yourhighness Morgan wants Florida Atlantic fans to kiss his ring
- Barkevious Mingo of LSU is too Barkevious to Mingo with
And you thought Lawyer Milloy was good!
Super Bowl to Surprise Fans
SUPER BOWL PLANS TO SURPRISE FANS WITH FOOTBALL GAME
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
Super Bowl XLIV (pronounced “ex-liv”) in Miami may well be remembered not only for all the breakthrough television commercials, defensive backs arrested with hookers, and NFL stars “making it rain” in strip clubs, but also for a surprise event: a professional football game. The game will be featured as what advertising industry spokesman Lonnie Lichtman referred to as a “wraparound” event.
“This year, we’re proud to say that we came up with a novel new twist – a competitive professional football contest, which we feel can be a tremendous service for our advertising messages.”
Lichtman went on to explain that “television is really all about advertising and a highly-rated program is really no more than a ‘lubricant’ for us to slide those messages home. We feel that the Super Bowl is the “K.Y.” of television.” Lichtman added that he had no idea which teams are playing in the game, but “our advertising industry really pitched a home run!”
