WHY SLOG THROUGH LITERATURE WHEN YOU CAN BANG THROUGH “TWITTERATURE”?
Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved
Amazon.com Chairman of the Board Jeffrey Bezos announced that the popular online retailer would now make available what he termed “the ground breaking novels of literature, the classics that everyone should read but really don’t have that kind of time for. That’s why we’re making these world-famous novels available in new easy to read versions, and what’s easier to read than Twitter?“
Pointing out that reading a novel like War and Peace could often take months to slog through for people who actually read, the new ”Classic Twitterature “ could be devoured as easily as texting. ”This is the way people read today,“ he said,” and we have to adapt. Imagine reading “Moby Dick” in half the time it takes to drain out a brew in the restroom.“
Bezos also said that Amazon would offer the classics to schools at a discount for each teacher or student who also purchased a Kindle adding ”we are also exploring sending the books directly to cell phones with a 3G push service. Parents who have been concerned about what their kids are looking at on their phones can now rest assured that they will now have access to great books without getting their fingers covered in ink.“
Although the PowerPoint presentation was delayed nearly an hour when Windows 7 crashed, once the audience (made up mainly of literature professors from America’s most prestigious party schools) saw free samples of the novels sent to their cellphones, one reporter described their reaction as ”fuckin’ epic dude.“
The preview alone, said Bezos, would ”give students a Harvardish education at a Wal-Martly price.” Some of the offerings:
The Grapes of Wrath:@Steinbeck.com
Dude, wtf sup w this dust? Can’t grow shit, bank’s on my ass. I’m so outta here!
Aaar mateys! Harpooning now and using my big one… ttyl
Crime and Punishment:@trutv.com
I swear to god I’m going to kill someone. I mean it dude. I got mad skillz fo’ sho. Can’t bust me yo. 😉 Maybe I’ll kill myself.
Dude, where the hell are you? Finnegan wake up. Hit me back.
Pride & Prejudice:@weareallchelseahandler.com
This guy is being such a jerk! … He’s hot though! … omg he just asked me out! gtg!
YOU DON’T NEED WISDOM, YOU ALREADY HAVE “CONVENTIONAL WISDOM”, LIGHTER AND EASIER TO USE, JUST LIKE AEROSOL CHEESE
By Joe Bodolai
What is easier than a Top Ten List, especially at year’s end? Writers and bloggers staggering from holiday parties put their normally gin-addled brains into even deeper hibernation and do what they do best. Steal already bad ideas and badify them even more. Of course, editors seize on these as Pulitzer Prizeworthy, just as the word “Prizeworthy” is clearly prizeworthy, especially when compared to the Nobel Peace Prize which is now apparently awarded as a scratch-off ticket.
I would never sacrifice my journalistic integreosity and standards for these cut and paste recaps. I would actually do original typing, which alone is prizeworthy these days. Instead of cutting and pasting, I would actually change some of the words and order of things to avoid getting sued. And I would certainly not confuse my readers any more than I already do by ignoring journalism rule number one, the writer’s secret weapon: “Conventional Wisdom”. Just tap into this muse by doing a Google search. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. I should save that for my interview on NPR, or as I call it ”the secret undisclosed location of American media.“
Type this into your Google search bar (or search engine of your choice, results may vary, and search is performed by a professional blogger on a closed network): “Top Ten Stories of the Year”. In exactly 0.25 seconds the Google beavers beaved up 152 million hits. Now I’m not gonna do the math because, quite frankly, neither are you, but it came from a computer, duh! Then I filter these results through the infallible lens that is late night talk show host monologues.
Now I could actually do the research and watch all the monologues or get an intern on craigslist to do it but, hell, isn’t that what Google does? Or maybe it’s YouTube. I’m not sure but, hey, it’s computery and no question Google would kick Bobby Fischer’s chess playin’ bony hermit ass back to Iceland in 0.18 seconds. You need more than that?
So, I didn’t have time to actually count the references but I’m sure Google did because it’s frickin’ Google and they have the power of Wikipedia on their side. I just “Command-C” and “Command-V” the shit out of it, use the thesaurus in my computer to change a few words to bigger words, and Bob’s your uncle. Well, not literally. I actually mean ”you’re Google’s bitch“. I didn’t even read a lot of the stuff I wrote but, judging by my Late Night Talk Show Host Monologue Filter, everybody already knows.
And there is Rule Number One of American television: ”Never say anything people don’t already know“. Except if it’s a celebrity death, which is excused under the rubric of ”breaking news“, nothing that an endless loop on CNN can’t fix.
So I’m not going to give you a Top Ten List that includes Tiger Woods, the Northwestern Pilots, and… I forget. A bunch of other stuff I don’t have to mention because you already know it. Just watch Jay Leno. I think he should call the show News At Ten. Oh wait, the venerable “grey lady” that is E! already has “The Daily Ten”. All I know is, it’s too bad Walter Cronkite or Edward R. Murrow didn’t have Google. If they were alive today they would be two clicks away from knowing who the Kardashians are. Two clicks!
Put that in your pipe Mr. Murrow. So in the amount of time you spend yakking about one story that doesn’t even have celebrities in it, I can give you ten star-laden nuggets of pure infotality and possibly even nipple slips or Brittney’s limo vadge. With those old school guys it was a ”Top One List“. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great deal of admiration for them. They invented the sign off catchphrase.
But I’m not going to cheapen myself by doing a Top Ten List. You already know it. Talk amongst yourselves class. I have Dr. Martini waiting and Miss Bucket o’ Wings beckons.
NOTE: This article first appeared in The National Post of Canada in 2005, years before a less-funny version appeared in The Onion in 2009
By Joe Bodolai
Teens thrashing out tunes in their parents’ garage and established rockers breaking up and reforming will face an unprecedented crisis in the near future, experts say. “At the current rate, the world’s supply of band names will be completely exhausted by early 2012”, said Ringo Springsteen of the Band Name Research Institute of Beverly Hills.”This may not happen if the world ends like it’s supposed to so there’s no immediate reason for alarm, but just sayin…”
With the proliferation of easy musical creation software and what he termed “a precipitous decline in musical standards”, bands are forming and reforming at unprecedented rates. “This means that nearly all combinations of words that can be used for short catchy band names have already been used. Unless bands want to get into complete sentences or fragments from poetry, the traditional two or three word band name as we know it will be extinct. I fear that to create a band name it will be impossible to fit into the 140 character limit of Twitter, which could cripple the emergence of new talent. If it’s unTweetable it may as well not exist.“
With band names already using seemingly random combinations of words, such as “Death Cab for Cutie” or “Modest Mouse”, “it won’t be long before we have band names like “Velvet Revolver” or “Maroon 5”… oh wait, we already do.”
The crisis has already affected hip hop artists, where the overconsumption of terms such as “Dr.”, “D.J.”, “M.C.” “Dogg”, and “Murder” has led to what experts term “confusion in the marketplace as artists’ names are practically indistinguishable. I mean, are you getting a “D.J. Murder” CD or a “Dr. Dogg” joint? What’s the difference?”
According to the Band Name Research Institute, the following names are still available:
- Pink Freud
- The Ringtone Millionaires
- Six Hookers in a Town Car
- Westboro Baptist Sex Hounds
- Revenue Canada
- The Sex Pigeons
- The Rolling Stools
- The Crotch Bombers
- Sonny & Cheryl
- URL Jam
- The Whom
Oral Roberts’ Brother Anal Dies of Staph Infection
By Joe Bodolai
Columbia, S.C. – Just weeks after his family suffered the loss of its patriarch , Anal Roberts, the flamboyant homosexual brother of late televangelist Oral Roberts, died today of a staph infection at his home in Columbia. He was 83.
The outspoken gay rights advocate was known for his colorful attire, often tending toward open-ass leather chaps, 18th Century Admirals’ hats and wooden clogs.
He is survived by his long time partner, Jerome “Scatman” Williams, head of the African-American Transexual Coprophilia Foundation.
WHAT IF OBAMA HAD WON THE ELECTION?
As President McCain Heads into His Second Year, What Might Have Been Different?
By Joe Bodolai
In the wee hours of election night 2008, the promise of change did indeed seem possible until Senator John McCain’s stunning last-minute surprise upset. While some were rightfully suspicious of the results, the McCain camp explained their triumph as “unpolled Americans came out in force and expressed their preference in the privacy of the poll booth rather than risk being called ‘racist’.
After President McCain’s first year, filled with angst, turmoil, and more of the same, I have decided to speculate on what America would be like today had Senator Obama won the election which so many assumed he would.
First of all, there is no way an Obama administration would have turned the economy into shambles with a massive bank bailout. ”His populist voter base would never stand for it,“ I wrote just a few short months ago. “Obama stands for change we can believe in, and this is far from it.” Senator Obama announced his alternative, which was greeted with huge enthusiasm, according to the 86% of Americans who “strongly approved” of his bold plan to pay off all consumer credit cards instead of money going directly to financial institutions.
His rousing speech at the Mall of America’s food court level with over 100,000 Minnesotans below him braving minus 23 temperatures and reminding Americans of the glory days of ”shopping. Not just for flat screen TVs or other necessities. My plan would relieve Americans of onerous debt while still providing lenders with plenty of profit and not to mention a real stimulus for consumers, with balances due looking at zero balances, fresh new credit limits and rolled down interest rate caps to allow them to spend again, thus creating jobs for American workers, given my stipulation that all new credit card expenditures be spent within the United States for American cars, American products, and American vacation destinations.
Instead we have the McCain Administration’s failed “Cash for Clunkers” automobile buying incentive, which Senator Obama hilariously ridiculed on Late Night with David Letterman with his quip that “okay, I’ll admit the President did indeed give cash for clunkers, but those clunkers are the big banks and desperate failing automakers, lobbyists for special interest groups, and brokerage houses. Clunkers if I’ve ever seen one, and I should know. I drive a Pacer.” The video clip of Obama and Letterman driving around Wall Street and Harlem in the Pacer for the interview has been downloaded over 95 million times on YouTube.
Vice-President Palin, in one of her numerous gaffes since taking office, denounced Obama as “on the wrong side of the financial equation, like reparations for slavery there should be no free lunch!”
President McCain’s continuation of the Cheney-Bush foreign policy agenda is surely something that an Obama Administration would not accept. No Obama administration would consider sending more troops to Afghanistan such as President McCain has announced. While admitting “it takes some time to change the direction of a mighty cruise ship (but) I am committed to finalizing our presence in Iraq and Afghanistan and repairing our image with the rest of the world”. Likewise, President McCain’s continued unconditional support of Israel would be counter to a President Obama’s promise to strive for peace and a moratorium on settlements and saber-rattling toward Iran. McCain’s celebrated taunt to Iran regarding their supposed nuclear weapons program – “bring it on!” – would never be countenanced by a moderate Obama Administration where negotiation would be favored over confrontation.
Likewise, President McCain’s confusing health care initiatives, which are considered by most Obama supporters as more profit for the private sector, would never be tabled by an Obama administration. Obama won overwhelming praise for his much simpler, more clearly defined health care plan – “Medicare for All.” He won another huge swell of popular opinion by pointing out that the bonuses and salaries paid to 50% of the CEO’s of the largest pharmaceutical and health related industries would provide insurance for every man, woman, and child in the country while keeping their corporations profitable.
Democratic Senator John Conyers (D-Michigan) inadvertently aided the cause by being caught on tape aired on The Daily Show admitting that he had not even read the 1,000-page bill saying “who has time for that?” Stewart’s dry reply “I feel you bro.“ led to thousands of t-shirts, cardboard signs, and late night talk shows on an upswell of gratitude for a new catch phrase.
Of course, the scandal over the resignation of Vice-President Palin for her celebrated gaffes would never be made by the more experience Joe Biden. It is hard to imagine Biden saying something as stupid as Palin’s “send the homeless to Afghanistan. They need jobs. It’s a win-win.”
Finally, America today would not be so polarized. As 450,000 people marched on Washington last week, with countless taser arrests (15 of the 22 deaths attributed to controversial use of the 50,000-volt device, new weapons directed by SWAT teams to ”disperse unlawful assemblies“, aerial surveillance, and addition of thousands of innocent names to the ever-expanding terror watch list, Senator Obama said in his catalyzing speech at the Lincoln Memorial, “the First Amendment is the founding principle of the Bill of Rights and cannot be trampled by government. Behind me stands the symbol of the blood that was shed to keep this country free from all enemies, foreign or domestic.“ Clearly a President Obama would not approve the continuation of torture. The backdrop of the serene Lincoln was an ominous metaphor for the American divide, today not regional but along class and other lines.
Clearly had Senator Obama won the election, America would likely be a different, more benign place with a respect for the people and not for the oligarchy that the McCain Administration considers its constituency.
Alas, in the words of the late Robert F. Kennedy, “there are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”
World’s First Penis Reduction Clinic Closes After One Week
By Joe Bodolai
“I guess we just misread the market big time,” said Dr. Pi-Lein Wang, founder of “Wang Magic”, the world’s first clinic devoted to penis reduction surgery. “We learned the hard way that there are no men who think their penis is just way too big.”
REGGIE BUSH, TROJANS THROWN FOR ANOTHER HUGE LOSS
Court Disallows Motion to Sweep Illegal Sleaze Under the Illegal Rug in His Parents’ Illegal House
By Joe Bodolai
ESPN reports that a California court has denied a request by Reggie Bush’s legal team for confidential arbitration in his dispute with the controversial sports agency that allegedly provided him and his parents a house, cash, gifts and other benefits that have been conservatively estimated in excess of $300,000. Not a bad haul for a college undergraduate and his array of off field gold bangles (formerly called ”bling“) explains why Bush was called a ”flashy“ running back.
The case will now proceed in open court. This time there was no ”Bush Push“ for a victory. Nor were Emerald Bowl officials involved in the ”review“ process.
Lloyd Lake and his partner Michael Michaels provided cash and gifts to the USC tailback, who some claim actually won the Heisman Trophy over Vince Young, in order to sign him to their marketing firm, New Era. Brian Watkins, Lake’s attorney said this was Bush’s last-ditch attempt to keep the case out of the public eye.
Let the truthiness begin!
In a year of suspicion and setbacks for USC, this could be the opening of a Pandora’s Box for not only the football program but the entire university. The NCAA, which has been spinning its wheels investigating the Trojans for this and other apparent violations cannot ignore what surely will be a harsh light of truth on the soft-focus image Pete Carroll projects. It is also worth noting that ESPN and USC are business partners, as is seen in their website ”WeAreSC.com“. So, grain of salt recommended when watching ”the worldwide leader.“
It must cause some concern at USC that Bush’s illegal benefits (not criminal but a major violation of NCAA rules) are well in excess of salaries for many tenure track professors at the school. Of course, Pete Carroll earns more than entire departments, Nobel candidates, and research budgets with a salary of $4.4 million annually.
Geez, if the NCAA is gonna go hardass on Bush, Pete may have to buy his dreamboat Matt Barkley a house out of his own pocket. Maybe up there in Malibu where, in a real-life ”wtf“ moment, Charlie Weis said Pete’s shacked up with a graduate student. While most people thought Weis was taking an uncalled for cheap shot allegation against Carroll, experts (okay, just me) realized he was just protecting his coaching fraternity brother. Everybody knows Barkley’s not a graduate student!
This article also appears on Erie View, Dan Goldberg’s new sports blog at http://dg7007.wordpress.com/