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MOSTLY FAKE YET STRANGELY TRUE


MOSTLY FAKE YET STRANGELY TRUE

COLLEGE FOOTBALL CONVERSATION STARTERS, BAR BETS, AND MAYBE ONE OR TWO THINGS TO SAY TO CHICKS BUT PROBABLY NOT

By Joe Bodolai

  • Inappropriate Headline of the Night: “Blood Pressure Monitor Runs Up Score on Meyer”.
  • How about this? Gators Hire Bobby Bowden. Mrs. Bowden to FSU: “Kiss It!”
  • USC Trojans Visit Alcatraz, somehow allowed to leave.
  • True: A certain Mr. Alexander plays for Florida State? What’s his first name? Not Jason. I told you, it’s “Mister” Alexander. “Excuse me Mrs. Alexander, can Mister come out and play?” “You mean my husband or my son?” Calling Lawyer Milloy.
  • Not true: Nebraska denies nickname ”Cornhusker“ is a euphemism for “mohel”, the term for the rabbi who performs circumcisions, but agrees nickname would be “mad kickass if there were any Jews in Nebraska.”
  • True: Youngstown is big in the BCS. Former Cardinal Mooney high school teammates are now opposing head coaches in the Rust Bowl. I mean the Holiday Bowl. Mike Stoops takes Arizona to San Diego to face Nebraska’s Bo Pelini. I pick Nebraska since he has one more Youngstown coach on his staff, his brother Carl. Okay, not really. Nebraska has Ndamakong Suh and the rest of the world doesn’t. Rest of World overmatched.
  • Why are the Pelinis in Nebraska? When’s the last time you’ve been to Youngstown? And doesn’t the phrase “ Two Pelinis in Nebraska” sound really dirty?
  • True: The 1910 Big Ten conference championship was won by one of the conference’s founding members, The University of Chicago, who won seven titles under the legendary Amos Alonzo Stagg.  The Maroons also gave us Jay Berwanger, the first ever Heisman Trophy NFL bust in 1935, followed 70 years later by NFL bust Reggie Bush.
  • “It is what it is” named college coach cliché of the year. Related: Mike Leach’s “phat little girlfriends” speech (okay, tirade) engraved in stone at entrance to Texas Tech stadium. Located somewhere in Texas. I’m pretty sure.
  • More great names: Utah teammates Sausan Shakerin and Shaky Smithson flummox delivery boy from Shakey’s Pizza.
  • True then Not True: When pre-sliced bread was invented in1928 Joe Paterno was already two years old. In Italian his name means “fatherly”. It is not true that Buckeyes’ coach Jim Tressel’s name means “railroad bridge”. It means “almost as gangsta as a railroad bridge.”
  • How many women have scored in men’s college football (on the field) during a game. Ready? Three. Liz Heaston kicked three extra points for NAIA Willamette; Ashley Martin also had two PATs for Jacksonville State and Katie Hnida had two as well for New Mexico in 2003. Post college careers soured when Playboy decided “Girls of the NCAA Men’s Football Programs Special Teams PAT Kickers Fourth on the Depth Chart Playing in Garbage Time” wouldn’t fit on the cover.
  • Nebraska’s Ndamakong Suh is the first defensive star to win the AP Player of the Year Award. Okay, it’s only been given out since 1998 and don’t get all up in my business about this Tebow. There hasn’t really been any defense since 1958.
  • Revealed: Jim Tressel’s grandson’s letter to Santa: asks for ”field position and special teams“.
  • True: In his senior year at USC, Matt Leinart took only one course – ballroom dancing. Dancing With the Stars are you reading this? What’s that? Oh, you only cast actual “stars”? Never mind.
  • True or false? Canadian college football, unlike its almost-semi-pro CFL counterpart, actually has four downs but, since they’re Canadians, they punt on third down “just to be safe, eh.”
  • Related: CFL all time leading punter Bob Cameron of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers has a book on Amazon’s Top Ten list, called “Going Rouge”. Maybe that’s a typo. Nah, it’s gotta be right. Who wouldn’t wanna read a CFL punter’s autobiography?
  • True: The University of Hawaii changed their teams’ nickname from “Rainbows” to “Rainbow Warriors” to sound “a bit more butch”, especially compared to St. Bonaventure University’s “Bonnies”.
  • Related yet charming nickname info: Delaware’s teams are called the Blue Hens, including the men’s teams. It’s the reverse of terminology used at, say, Tennessee, where the women’s teams are called “the Lady Volunteers” as opposed to the men’s teams, which are the gender-neutral “Volunteers”. I guess that when a guy takes his clothes off to dance for money he has to be referred to as a “male stripper.” Obviously, a penis doesn’t clear this up.
  • NCAA names that could be used for sexual innuendos: “Did you see the pair of Pelinis on that cheerleader? She can husk my corn any time.”
  • True or false? Women in Alabama refer to their periods as “The Crimson Tide” and the university adopted this vernacularism to terrify their opponents. Oh, come on! That can’t be true! It’s Alabama! They think “crimson” is jerky made from dehydrated possum meat.

(This article also appears on Erie View, Dan Goldberg’s new sports blog at http://dg7007.wordpress.com/

Categories: Sports Comedy
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