Home > Sports Comedy > Who’s Hooked on First? A Look Back

Who’s Hooked on First? A Look Back


By Joe Bodolai © All rights reserved

Quality Shows has obtained a transcript of some earlier closed door U.S. Senate hearings on the broader issue of drug use in baseball. Following is an excerpt from Senator Arlen Specter’s 1995 questioning of New York Yankees pitching coach Billy Connors testifying about legendary substance abuser Steve Howe:

SEN. SPECTER: Now you are quoted as saying here that Mr. Howe had “good stuff”. What do you mean by that?

CONNORS: Main thing is the guy had good speed.

SEN. SPECTER: Methamphetamines?

CONNORS:  No, I mean his heater.

SEN. SPECTER: You mean he had a gun?

CONNORS:            You usually say “gun” for an outfielder, like, say, Dwight Evans.

SEN. SPECTER:  So are you saying Mr. Evans was in possession of a firearm?

CONNORS:            The guy has a cannon.

SEN. SPECTER:  A cannon? A rocket-propelled grenade or something of that order?

CONNORS:            I guess you could say that. You don’t wanna run on the guy, that’s for sure.

SEN. SPECTER:  Can you elaborate?

CONNORS: Try to take an extra base and he’ll gun you down.

SEN. SPECTER: “Base”? As in “freebase”?

CONNORS:            You don’t wanna do that. Walks’ll kill you.

SEN. SPECTER:  Kill you?

CONNORS: You get a guy with speed, put him on, next thing you know he’s stealing.

SEN. SPECTER: Stealing what?

CONNORS:              The base.

SEN. SPECTER: So can you name who is stealing this free base?

CONNORS: Lotta guys.

SEN. SPECTER: This theft is rampant?

CONNORS: You try to cut it down, but a guy like Rickey Henderson, he’s gonna steal anytime he can.

SEN. SPECTER: What steps do you take to prevent this theft?

CONNORS: You try to pick him off. But if he goes, you hope you can gun him down. I think we nailed him in the last game. He’s been stealing on us all year and the guy’s a hot dog

SEN. SPECTER: Mr. Henderson was “gunned down” and now “he’s a hot dog”?

CONNORS: Oh yeah, hot dog all the way?

SEN. SPECTER: No further questions. There you have it, my fellow committee members. We heard it directly: baseball players own large caliber firearms, freebase, then steal more drugs, are often shot, and ground up into hot dog meat.

CONNORS: What drug are YOU takin’?

SEN. SPECTER: Just Flomax.

Categories: Sports Comedy
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