”YEAR IN REVIEW“ AND “BEST OF THE DECADE” TOP TEN LISTS TOP TOP TEN LIST OF LAME IDEAS
YOU DON’T NEED WISDOM, YOU ALREADY HAVE “CONVENTIONAL WISDOM”, LIGHTER AND EASIER TO USE, JUST LIKE AEROSOL CHEESE
By Joe Bodolai
What is easier than a Top Ten List, especially at year’s end? Writers and bloggers staggering from holiday parties put their normally gin-addled brains into even deeper hibernation and do what they do best. Steal already bad ideas and badify them even more. Of course, editors seize on these as Pulitzer Prizeworthy, just as the word “Prizeworthy” is clearly prizeworthy, especially when compared to the Nobel Peace Prize which is now apparently awarded as a scratch-off ticket.
I would never sacrifice my journalistic integreosity and standards for these cut and paste recaps. I would actually do original typing, which alone is prizeworthy these days. Instead of cutting and pasting, I would actually change some of the words and order of things to avoid getting sued. And I would certainly not confuse my readers any more than I already do by ignoring journalism rule number one, the writer’s secret weapon: “Conventional Wisdom”. Just tap into this muse by doing a Google search. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. I should save that for my interview on NPR, or as I call it ”the secret undisclosed location of American media.“
Type this into your Google search bar (or search engine of your choice, results may vary, and search is performed by a professional blogger on a closed network): “Top Ten Stories of the Year”. In exactly 0.25 seconds the Google beavers beaved up 152 million hits. Now I’m not gonna do the math because, quite frankly, neither are you, but it came from a computer, duh! Then I filter these results through the infallible lens that is late night talk show host monologues.
Now I could actually do the research and watch all the monologues or get an intern on craigslist to do it but, hell, isn’t that what Google does? Or maybe it’s YouTube. I’m not sure but, hey, it’s computery and no question Google would kick Bobby Fischer’s chess playin’ bony hermit ass back to Iceland in 0.18 seconds. You need more than that?
So, I didn’t have time to actually count the references but I’m sure Google did because it’s frickin’ Google and they have the power of Wikipedia on their side. I just “Command-C” and “Command-V” the shit out of it, use the thesaurus in my computer to change a few words to bigger words, and Bob’s your uncle. Well, not literally. I actually mean ”you’re Google’s bitch“. I didn’t even read a lot of the stuff I wrote but, judging by my Late Night Talk Show Host Monologue Filter, everybody already knows.
And there is Rule Number One of American television: ”Never say anything people don’t already know“. Except if it’s a celebrity death, which is excused under the rubric of ”breaking news“, nothing that an endless loop on CNN can’t fix.
So I’m not going to give you a Top Ten List that includes Tiger Woods, the Northwestern Pilots, and… I forget. A bunch of other stuff I don’t have to mention because you already know it. Just watch Jay Leno. I think he should call the show News At Ten. Oh wait, the venerable “grey lady” that is E! already has “The Daily Ten”. All I know is, it’s too bad Walter Cronkite or Edward R. Murrow didn’t have Google. If they were alive today they would be two clicks away from knowing who the Kardashians are. Two clicks!
Put that in your pipe Mr. Murrow. So in the amount of time you spend yakking about one story that doesn’t even have celebrities in it, I can give you ten star-laden nuggets of pure infotality and possibly even nipple slips or Brittney’s limo vadge. With those old school guys it was a ”Top One List“. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great deal of admiration for them. They invented the sign off catchphrase.
But I’m not going to cheapen myself by doing a Top Ten List. You already know it. Talk amongst yourselves class. I have Dr. Martini waiting and Miss Bucket o’ Wings beckons.