Home > Comedy and Satire, Sports Comedy > World’s Supply of Band Names Expected to Run Out in 2012

World’s Supply of Band Names Expected to Run Out in 2012

NOTE: This article first appeared in The National Post of Canada in 2005, years before a less-funny version appeared in The Onion in 2009

By Joe Bodolai

Teens thrashing out tunes in their parents’ garage and established rockers breaking up and reforming will face an unprecedented crisis in the near future, experts say. “At the current rate, the world’s supply of band names will be completely exhausted by early 2012”, said Ringo Springsteen of the Band Name Research Institute of Beverly Hills.”This may not happen if the world ends like it’s supposed to so there’s no immediate reason for alarm, but just sayin…”

With the proliferation of easy musical creation software and what he termed “a precipitous decline in musical standards”, bands are forming and reforming at unprecedented rates. “This means that nearly all combinations of words that can be used for short catchy band names have already been used. Unless bands want to get into complete sentences or fragments from poetry, the traditional two or three word band name as we know it will be extinct. I fear that to create a band name it will be impossible to fit into the 140 character limit of Twitter, which could cripple the emergence of new talent. If it’s unTweetable it may as well not exist.“

With band names already using seemingly random combinations of words, such as “Death Cab for Cutie” or “Modest Mouse”, “it won’t be long before we have band names like “Velvet Revolver” or “Maroon 5”… oh wait, we already do.”

The crisis has already affected hip hop artists, where the overconsumption of terms such as “Dr.”, “D.J.”, “M.C.” “Dogg”, and “Murder” has led to what experts term “confusion in the marketplace as artists’ names are practically indistinguishable. I mean, are you getting a “D.J. Murder” CD or a “Dr. Dogg” joint? What’s the difference?”

According to the Band Name Research Institute, the following names are still available:

  • Pink Freud
  • The Ringtone Millionaires
  • Six Hookers in a Town Car
  • Ladyboner
  • Westboro Baptist Sex Hounds
  • Revenue Canada
  • The Sex Pigeons
  • The Rolling Stools
  • The Crotch Bombers
  • Sonny & Cheryl
  • URL Jam
  • The Whom
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