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Archive for January, 2010

Monsanto Reveals Platform in Run for Kansas Senate Seat

January 29, 2010 2 comments

Translation: “We Own Seeds, We Now Own Your Land”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserve

With the recent Supreme Court ruling giving corporations status as a ”person“ and the same “freedom of speech” (sic) rights as individuals and no limits on campaign spending, genetically-modified simulated food giant Monsanto has thrown its corporate hats into the ring and declared itself and subsidiaries a candidate for the U.S. Senate seat in farm-rich Kansas.

Image Courtesy of ImageChef.com

Monsanto Senate Campaign spokesman “Frank the Farmer” Farmerino finally revealed the company’s platform in this fall’s race for the U.S. Senate in Kansas. “It makes more sense, at least to those of us in the corporate world, than the (traditional fertilizer) coming out of individual politicians.”  When asked to explain, Farmerino simply said: “it is what it is”.

Here is what it is:

At Monsanto, we understand how to monetize dynamically. Without vertical extensible implementation, you will lack platforms. Think 60/24/7/365. Think C2B2B. Think sexy. But don’t think all three at the same time. If all of this may seem estranging to you, that’s because it is! Do you have a plan of action to become subscriber-defined? Think out-of-the-boxcutter. Think backward-compatible. Think virally-distributed, innovative. But don’t think all three at the same time.

The subscriber communities factor can be summed up in one word: affiliate-based profitablity kickback.

Have you ever had to architect your 24/7 feature set? With one click? We will extend our aptitude to productize without decreasing our power to actualize. What do we engage? Anything and everything, regardless of unimportance! A company that can synthesize faithfully will (one day) be able to upgrade fiercely. We will incubate the term “scalable”. We frequently morph value-added, intuitive paradigms. That is a terrific achievement considering this fiduciary term’s market!

There’s only one choice: Vote Monsanto. But even if you don’t, we will way outspend our opponent.”

Many more corporations are expected to announce their candidacy in coming days and, in the words of Monsanto’s Farmerino, “we have our corporate eyes on the White House in 2012. Sure we have a foothold now, but this is just the beginning of a great new era for America. I really don’t have a word for it. Do you?”

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Next Week’s News

January 29, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

  • Obama Backtracks on Troop Withdrawal: “Did I Say This August”?
  • Church Attendance, Domestic Violence up 120% on First Sunday Without Football
  • California to Consider Legalizing Pot, “Governor Bogarts It, Claims Opposition”
Categories: Comedy and Satire

Drug Companies Create “Ideal Drug” — All Side Effects

January 29, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

Drug companies in recent years have continually improved their “treatment to side effect ratio” and poured millions into marketing new conditions, such as last year’s wildly popular “RLS – restless leg syndrome,” which returned millions more. They have finally come up with what they termed their “ideal drug”, one that treats nothing and has only side effects.

“This is a major breakthrough,” gushed Puppy Piper, head of marketing for Restless Leg Syndrome, “the list of side effects it creates is a gold mine for all the drugs we already have to treat side effects like infertility, short term memory loss, diarrhea and those goodies. It should create an infinite loop of prescriptions for drugs that create even more side effects. The market is going to look like piranhas on a feeding frenzy. This is great for the economy! What’s good for the drug companies is good for America.”

The company released a video of their new commercial, scheduled to launch later this month.

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Iraq: “The Dog Ate My Constitution”

January 29, 2010 Leave a comment

IRAQ USES U.S. CONSTITUTION AS “SORT OF” INSPIRATION

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

Although well behind their timetable for adopting a constitution, the Iraqi lackeyship has decided to speed up the process by adapting the U.S. Constitution to the realities of contemporary Iraq. SAY IT AIN’T SO, JOE!  has obtained a working copy of the rough draft of the preamble as Iraqi lawmakers have marked it up so far:

“We the people Shi’ites, Sunni’s, and Kurds of Iraq, in order to form appease the United States with a more perfect internationally acceptable union show of unity against our brethren insurgents, establish justice U.S. military power, insure domestic tranquilitythe oil pipelines, provide for the common defense of the oilfields, promote the general welfare illusion of peace, and secure the blessings of Liberty Halliburton to ourselves and to our posterity American investors do ordain cobble together and establishtemporarily use this Constitution for The United States of America Iraq and the media of the United States of America.”

Categories: Comedy and Satire

State of the Union Ratings Suggest New Way to Stage Presidential Elections

January 28, 2010 Leave a comment

Obama’s Address pulls a 9.74 on FOX Compared to American Idol’s 24.75, Time for a Change?

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

While President Obama’s State of the Union Address last night might be considered a ratings hit when compared to Jersey Shore or Dog the Bounty Hunter, it was no match for American Idol, whose ratings were 250% higher immediately following. This staggering disparity suggests that it may be time to change how elections are handled in the United States.

“We just take the Idol model and instead of singers, we use politicians. The early rounds would be held around the country, like the primaries, and the finalists head to Washington,” said Electoral College Chancellor Jefferson Nixon. “What’s not to like? Okay, maybe they should sing a bit, maybe in a sing-off to take the place of the boring debates.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Next American President

“Like Idol, voting would be done by phone or text, thus saving the costly election process as well as providing revenues for our troubled phone companies,” Nixon added.

With the recent Supreme Court decision protecting corporations’ right to “free speech” (sic) and allowing unlimited spending on campaign ads, it is likely that advertisers would love this plan. Election night ads would surely blow away even the Super Bowl ads and make attack campaigns and “swiftboating” even meaner than reality shows.

When questioned how voters would be certified that they are of legal voting age, Nixon replied, “Dude, it’s like when you go onto one of those adult sites; you just have to click “I certify that I am of legal age and am permitted to view adult material.” We’d tweak the wording, of course.”

Presidential elections seem to be tailor made for TV, since the primaries kick in during February sweeps and the election in the even more lucrative November sweeps period. “You have to admit,” added Nixon, “even though the Founding Fathers didn’t have TV, at least I don’t think they did, this is what they dreamed of… I’m pretty sure.”

When asked about who the judges might be, Nixon replied, “oh, yeah. That’s something we’ll have to work on, the real Supreme Court is not a sexy demographic, but no matter what, we’d have to keep Simon.”

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Next Week’s News

January 28, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, Al rights reserved

  • Man Sues Microsoft, Claims “Windows 7 Was My Idea”
  • Khloe’s Big Booty Termed “Truly Lardashian”
  • Woman Wins Car for One Millionth iPad Tampon Joke
Categories: Comedy and Satire

My First Reaction to the State of The Union Address

January 27, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

As I watch the President make his State of the Union address, these thoughts come to mind

  • Biden is nodding like a bobblehead. Now 50% off at the White House Store!
  • Doubling exports over the next five years will create two million new jobs. Where?  Merry Christmas, India. All we can export are weapons. And  NBA logo jerseys.
  • The bank bailout is like “root canal”? I’d rather have root canal!
  • “We might face a second Depression.” Oh, you mean like the one yesterday?
  • On the war in Afghanistan: “There will be difficult days ahead. But I am confident we will succeed.” Oh I’ll bet we’ll do as well as Alexander the Great or the Soviet Union.
  • The threat of nuclear weapons is “perhaps the greatest danger to the American people.” A reference to Iran, obviously. What about Israel? They actually have nuclear weapons and are not signatory to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. By U.S. law, we are therefore not allowed to provide weapons to that country. Yet, those white phosphorus bombs in Gaza are “proudly made in the USA.”
  • I think we’re living in an American Twilight Zone.
Categories: Comedy and Satire