Home > Comedy and Satire > What If the Internet Was Invented Before the Telephone?

What If the Internet Was Invented Before the Telephone?


WHAT IF THE INTERNET HAD BEEN INVENTED BEFORE THE PHONE?

Maybe it Was….

By Joe Bodolai © 2009, All rights reserved

What if Alexander Graham Bell tried to call Watson when he was “unavailable“? Would he think his invention wouldn’t work? What if Watson were in the can?  Or storing carrots for the winter in the root cellar? In that circumstance the only way Bell could know his invention worked would be if he had invented the answering machine first.

So let’s say Alexander Graham Bell gave up on the telephone and spent the rest of his life unsuccessfully trying to find a way to send targeted advertising through unwanted bulk telegraph messages? Or meat in a can? He was, unfortunately, ahead of his time.

So with Bell’s failure the telegraph became the VHS to the telephone’s BetaMax. But, would things really have been so different? Wasn’t the telegraph the first internet?

According to one expert (okay, me) there is evidence of President Grover Cleveland ”sexting“ with his mistress Maria Halpin. Telegraph technology was actually more suited to sexting as it was only possible to tap out messages with one hand.

In Morse Code this: .– …. .- – / .- .-. . / -.– — ..- / .– . .- .-. .. -. –. ..–.. means ”what are you wearing?“

I discovered some yellowing documents in the prestigious Grover Cleveland Presidential Library, located not in Cleveland but in Buffalo since the construction crew couldn’t tell the difference. I immediately recognized the documents as transcriptions of Morse Code. And it was clearly an excerpt from a sext message to Maria, from the Oval Office no less, which included these keyboard strokes:

My dearest Maria, I trust you are not yet up as I am. I awoke as usual thinking of you and felt as if you were riding the mighty iron horse of the Union Pacific Railroad, its throbbing and prodigious engine chugging and chugging with increasing vigor and urgency, finally reaching its destination and releasing its glorious pearly cargo…“

And is her reply the precursor of internet porn? Certainly she knows that men are more visually stimulated and paints a very spicy mental picture:

”Darlng Grovey, your missive made me turn on the gaslight. This had the most beneficent effect of lovely warm light flickering across my supine body as if passenger pigeon feathers were gently tickling, causing a most agreeable situation throughout. The warmth of the room allowed to remove my corset, slowly, one big whalebone at a time. With each opening the folds gently opened to reveal more as it released my bosom and allowed a deep sigh of increasing relief…“

It seems the transmission ended here as the transcript appears discolored and stained.

Clearly the internet has been around for much longer than when Al Gore said he invented it. Obviously the next development would have been social networks. I’m sure they existed and they will not escape my exhaustive research. These would likely have flourished and blossomed in “The Roaring Twenties.” This was an era when women shocked society with their skimpy flapper outfits, scandalous new habits such as smoking, drinking, and voting.

Coming soon: I’ll show you the lost MySpace pages of Adolph Hitler and Elvis Presley along with John F. Kennedy’s scandalous and sexy Facebook, and Twitter feeds of Princess Diana, and more.

Of course, eventually a watershed breakthrough would occur. A new device and new technology would change everything. The internet would seem as old fashioned, slow, and  be buried with the ashes of GeoCities, MSN, and AOL. ”Dude! You gotta check this out! It’s like email or texting but you can actually talk to the person! So like in chat rooms you’ll know if it’s a dude because you can actually hear a voice. Just like they were next to you! Epic shit!”

“No way? So I don’t have to type with my thumbs? What is that thing?”

“It’s called a ”phone“. It’s not free though. And it goes right on your handheld browser. And, dude, sometimes it even works!”

Categories: Comedy and Satire
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s