Trophy Wives Association Announces New Slate of Demands
Call for “Sex Lockout” to “Preserve Sanctity of the Stepping-Stone Marriage”
By Joe Bodolai
The National Trophy Wives Association today announced new pre-nup guidelines that call for a “cap” on sex and a “luxury tax” imposed for husbands who exceed the four-times-a-month limit. The luxury tax, added new spokeswife Elin Nordregren, would have some “minimum carat guarantees” and “provisions for cosmetic procedures at the husband’s expense even after the breakup during the crucial new husband recruiting process”, she explained, “as our members need to obtain long-term protection of their assets and potential free agency as they slip into the aging process.” Nordregren, rumored to be seeking free agency herself, is said to be entertaining “numerous bids” but analysts doubted that she would be able to sign a deal that would match her lucrative 2003 pact with golfer/philanderer Eldrick Woods.
”The penalties for husbands cheating have got to be severe,“ added Nordregen. “After all, the goal for some of our members is better served if the husband leaves and we just get the money. From there, our less trophyish wives can likely upgrade. We have to protect the sanctity of the stepping-stone marriage.”
Observers doubted that the husbands would be able to withstand a total “lockout” and said “they’ll probably cave to this as usual.”
Fans of trophy marriages were thrilled to the prospects of a long and bitter public spat between the two camps to fill supermarket tabloids, so-called “news shows”, and effectively distract everyone from really really bad important stuff.
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