National Toppings Council Inducts Maraschino Cherry Into Toppings Hall of Fame
By Joe Bodolai
TOPS SPRIG OF PARSLEY AND TANGY PAPRIKA BUT PIZZA LOVERS IRATE
The hors d’oeuvre and condiment world applauded today’s announcement by the National Toppings Council at long last inducting the maraschino cherry into the prestigious Toppings Hall of Fame. The North American Pizza Lovers Alliance decried the selection saying “this is worse than pineapple or anchovies. We’re considering withdrawing from the Council,” a spokesman added, “especially after roast beef and the cheeseburger was denied certification as a topping.”
The victory was long coming for the sweet, tantalizingly virginal imaged sugar-infused and artificially coloured and reshaped radish. The moist tantalizing image was long favored by porn websites, escort logos, and Dairy Queen. The induction was also fought for many years by voters in the south who strongly claimed that the maraschino cherry was not a topping but actually an ”ingredient“. Their legal team cited favorite recipes such as ”Maraschino Possum Pie“ which states “pour the jar of maraschino cherries onto the boiled possum and yell ‘grub’s on! Yee-haw cherry roadkill’!” especially popular at SEC tailgate parties and is perhaps the literal definition of a “murky gray area”.