Home > Comedy and Satire > Monsanto Reveals Platform in Run for Kansas Senate Seat

Monsanto Reveals Platform in Run for Kansas Senate Seat


Translation: “We Own Seeds, We Now Own Your Land”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserve

With the recent Supreme Court ruling giving corporations status as a ”person“ and the same “freedom of speech” (sic) rights as individuals and no limits on campaign spending, genetically-modified simulated food giant Monsanto has thrown its corporate hats into the ring and declared itself and subsidiaries a candidate for the U.S. Senate seat in farm-rich Kansas.

Image Courtesy of ImageChef.com

Monsanto Senate Campaign spokesman “Frank the Farmer” Farmerino finally revealed the company’s platform in this fall’s race for the U.S. Senate in Kansas. “It makes more sense, at least to those of us in the corporate world, than the (traditional fertilizer) coming out of individual politicians.”  When asked to explain, Farmerino simply said: “it is what it is”.

Here is what it is:

At Monsanto, we understand how to monetize dynamically. Without vertical extensible implementation, you will lack platforms. Think 60/24/7/365. Think C2B2B. Think sexy. But don’t think all three at the same time. If all of this may seem estranging to you, that’s because it is! Do you have a plan of action to become subscriber-defined? Think out-of-the-boxcutter. Think backward-compatible. Think virally-distributed, innovative. But don’t think all three at the same time.

The subscriber communities factor can be summed up in one word: affiliate-based profitablity kickback.

Have you ever had to architect your 24/7 feature set? With one click? We will extend our aptitude to productize without decreasing our power to actualize. What do we engage? Anything and everything, regardless of unimportance! A company that can synthesize faithfully will (one day) be able to upgrade fiercely. We will incubate the term “scalable”. We frequently morph value-added, intuitive paradigms. That is a terrific achievement considering this fiduciary term’s market!

There’s only one choice: Vote Monsanto. But even if you don’t, we will way outspend our opponent.”

Many more corporations are expected to announce their candidacy in coming days and, in the words of Monsanto’s Farmerino, “we have our corporate eyes on the White House in 2012. Sure we have a foothold now, but this is just the beginning of a great new era for America. I really don’t have a word for it. Do you?”

Categories: Comedy and Satire
  1. Loretta Callahan
    January 31, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Monsanto is going down in my lifetime; and I’m old! BASTA!!

  2. worldofhiglet
    February 9, 2010 at 7:15 am

    I think that Monsanto has hired Dogbert as their campaign PR. We’re all doomed (unless Ratbert is available to work for the opposition).

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