Home > Comedy and Satire > Amazon To Sell Classic Novels in New “Easy-to-Read” Twitter Versions

Amazon To Sell Classic Novels in New “Easy-to-Read” Twitter Versions


Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved

Amazon.com Chairman of the Board Jeffrey Bezos announced that the popular online retailer would now make available what he termed “the ground breaking novels of literature, the classics that everyone should read but really don’t have that kind of time for. That’s why we’re making world-famous novels available in new easy to read versions, and what’s easier to read than Twitter?“

Pointing out that reading a novel like War and Peace could often take months to slog through for people who actually read, the new ”Classic Twitterature “ could be devoured as easily as texting. ”This is the way people read today,“ he said,” and we have to adapt. Imagine reading “Moby Dick” in half the time it takes to drain out a brew in the restroom.“

Bezos also said that Amazon would offer the classics to schools at a discount for each teacher or student who also purchased a Kindle adding ”we are also exploring sending the books directly to cell phones with a 3G push service. Parents who have been concerned about what their kids are looking at on their phones can now rest assured that they will now have access to great books without getting their fingers covered in ink or shit like that, you know, whatever.“

Although the PowerPoint presentation was delayed nearly an hour when Windows 7 crashed, once the audience (made up mainly of literature professors from America’s most prestigious party schools) saw free samples of the novels sent to their cellphones, one reporter described their reaction as ”fuckin’ epic dude.“

The preview alone, said Bezos, would ”give students a Harvardish education at a Wal-Martly price.” Some of the offerings:

The Grapes of Wrath:@Steinbeck.com

Dude, wtf  sup w this dust? Can’t grow shit, bank’s on my ass. I’m so outta here!

Moby Dick:@Dickword.com

Aaar mateys! Harpooning now and using my big one… ttyl

Crime and Punishment:@trutv.com

I swear to god I’m going to kill someone. I mean it dude. I got mad skillz fo’ sho. Can’t bust me yo. 😉 Maybe I’ll kill myself.

Finnegans Wake:@Irishpub.com

Dude, where the hell are you? Finnegan wake up. All you Finnegans. Wake up!  Hit me back.

Pride & Prejudice:@weareallchelseahandler.com

This guy is being such a jerk! … He’s hot though! … omg he just asked me out! gtg!

Categories: Comedy and Satire
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