News From Next Week
By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved
- “Holy Water-gate” Ensnares Pope, but Ugly New Speculation Over “Deep Throat”
- Obama Throws Out First Pitch at Nationals’ Opener, Signed as Fifth Starter
- Two Killed in Undercover Boss Episode Featuring Gambino Family
- Microsoft Forced to Admit: “Windows 7 is Mac’s Idea”
Passengers Rate Others to Win Prizes, Reduce Opposition to Invasion of Privacy
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved
In the wake of the Moscow subway bombing, the Naked Body Scan Industry expects to supply their equipment to subway stations, bus stops, malls, schools, hospitals, movie theaters, and more. In an effort to overcome resistance to such unconstitutional invasions, they have announced a new feature by which other passengers, guests, or visitors could rate each other as “hot or not”.
“No matter what they say, people like looking at pictures of naked people,” said Don LeBureau, spokesman for the new ThinkPink scanner, expected to launch later this year. “The old technology really provides poor quality, like sex videos shot in night vision. We’re going all the way with ours, so now people will no longer be bored standing in line for an hour or so.” The new scanners will project actual naked pictures to the public. “People might resist this at first, but when they find out they can vote “hot or not” and compete for great prizes, like Target gift cards, Omaha Steaks, and Zune mp3 players, that resistance will melt faster than my penis looking at a nude Kirstie Alley,” said LeBureau. “Hot people obviously will be very popular and the voting should be as intense as American Idol, but Not Hot people will also have a chance to win. Those who correctly pick the Hottie of the Hour will also be eligible for prizes. That’s really democraticish. We really gotta thank those Black Widows who bombed Moscow for helping our marketing. I love those guys.”
Say It Ain’t So, Joe! invited talk show host and syndicated columnist Larry King to post one of his gems of a column
By ”Larry King“ (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Tiger Woods is now fifteen over par on his marriage. That’s a lot of strokes for the front nine…. Did you know Elin Nordregen has a twin sister? That would be a sweet two-putt… With so many people claiming it’s ”my idea“ that looming Windows 7 lawsuit is going to be a doozy!… Had some kasha at Nate & Al’s today. When it comes to grains, ka$ha is money… Am I the only one who noticed? Hockey is just soccer on ice ….Here’s one for the books: the Baltimore Orioles are the only team whose full team name is the same as a species, unless there are actually some Toronto Blue Jays in the wild… Two words: buttered toast… Gotta say it: Lady Gaga? I love that guy!… I never took Jimmy Cameron to make a horror movie. That Abbatoir sounds too scary for me… Pound for pound, has there been a better singer than Celine Dion?… I thought I was going to Wolf’s show but I accidentally wandered into ”Mike the Situation’s Room“… Got a great spray tan though… … You can say I said so: Kirstie Alley is going to make people forget Kirstie Alley… Viagra or Cialis? It says a lot about you. …You ever seen anybody make a pair of glasses look better than Sarah Palin? She ought to sign a deal with LensCrafters… That Ashley Greene could paint my red suspenders on her body anytime… When you say “perky” you say Jean Harlow … Cinnamon on warm milk is like a monkey on a motorbike — delicious!… Underrated? Stool softener… Speaking of which, thanks and see you next time.