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Archive for March, 2010

News From Next Week

March 30, 2010 Leave a comment

News From Next Week

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

  • “Holy Water-gate” Ensnares Pope, but Ugly New Speculation Over “Deep Throat”
  • Obama Throws Out First Pitch at Nationals’ Opener, Signed as Fifth Starter
  • Two Killed in Undercover Boss Episode Featuring Gambino Family
  • Microsoft Forced to Admit: “Windows 7 is Mac’s Idea”
Categories: Comedy and Satire

Carly Fiorina Depicts Opponent’s Death in New Attack Video!

March 30, 2010 8 comments

Insane, Extravagant Video for Crazed Former HP Head and Receptionist Depicts Death of California Senator Barbara Boxer

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved

A new attack video posted on YouTube by an obviously megalomaniacal California Senatorial candidate Carly Fiorina has gone so far over the top and over the edge of decency and taste by depicting the death of her rival. Fiorina has hired a production company with a budget that could likely solve California’s debt crisis and created a video whose Tim Burton-inspired effects and message are inflated with the noxious methane of her ego and her values.

There is little to say. See for yourself. Then please comment. I am out of words about this so I want to hear from you. Also, you must read John Gabree’s excellent blog for much more: http://www.impracticalproposals.com/

Categories: Politics, Social Issues

TSA Introduces New “Hot or Not?” Naked Body Scanners

March 30, 2010 8 comments

Passengers Rate Others to Win Prizes, Reduce Opposition to Invasion of Privacy

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved

In the wake of the Moscow subway bombing, the Naked Body Scan Industry expects to supply their equipment to subway stations, bus stops, malls, schools, hospitals, movie theaters, and more. In an effort to overcome resistance to such unconstitutional invasions, they have announced a new feature by which other passengers, guests, or visitors could rate each other as “hot or not”.

Not hot but packin'

“No matter what they say, people like looking at pictures of naked people,” said Don LeBureau, spokesman for the new ThinkPink scanner, expected to launch later this year. “The old technology really provides poor quality, like sex videos shot in night vision. We’re going all the way with ours, so now people will no longer be bored standing in line for an hour or so.” The new scanners will project actual naked pictures to the public. “People might resist this at first, but when they find out they can vote “hot or not” and compete for great prizes, like Target gift cards, Omaha Steaks, and Zune mp3 players, that resistance will melt faster than my penis looking at a nude Kirstie Alley,” said LeBureau. “Hot people obviously will be very popular and the voting should be as intense as American Idol, but Not Hot people will also have a chance to win. Those who correctly pick the Hottie of the Hour will also be eligible for prizes. That’s really democraticish. We really gotta thank those Black Widows who bombed Moscow for helping our marketing. I love those guys.”

UPDATE! Transportation Sexual Assault Now Recruiting Pedophiles, Defrocked Priests, Goons on Craigslist!

 

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Guest Columnist: Larry King

March 26, 2010 3 comments

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! invited talk show host and syndicated columnist Larry King to post one of his gems of a column

By ”Larry King“ (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Guest Columnist Larry King

Tiger Woods is now fifteen over par on his marriage. That’s a lot of strokes for the front nine…. Did you know Elin Nordregen has a twin sister? That would be a sweet two-putt… With so many people claiming it’s ”my idea“ that looming Windows 7 lawsuit is going to be a doozy!… Had some kasha at Nate & Al’s today. When it comes to grains, ka$ha is money…  Am I the only one who noticed? Hockey is just soccer on ice ….Here’s one for the books: the Baltimore Orioles are the only team whose full team name is the same as a species, unless there are actually some Toronto Blue Jays in the wild… Two words: buttered toast… Gotta say it: Lady Gaga? I love that guy!… I never took Jimmy Cameron to make a horror movie. That Abbatoir sounds too scary for me… Pound for pound, has there been a better singer than Celine Dion?… I thought I was going to Wolf’s show but I accidentally wandered into ”Mike the Situation’s Room“… Got a great spray tan though… … You can say I said so: Kirstie Alley is going to make people forget Kirstie Alley… Viagra or Cialis? It says a lot about you. …You ever seen anybody make a pair of glasses look better than Sarah Palin? She ought to sign a deal with LensCrafters… That Ashley Greene could paint my red suspenders on her body anytime… When you say “perky” you say Jean Harlow … Cinnamon on warm milk is like a monkey on a motorbike — delicious!… Underrated? Stool softener… Speaking of which, thanks and see you next time.

Larry

Categories: Comedy and Satire

New York Lawmaker Wants to Ban Salt!

March 11, 2010 Leave a comment

Craziness Goes Even Further in Ignoring Wars, Economy, Health and Real Life

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

New York State Representative Felix Ortiz has introduced legislation calling for a ban on salt in restaurant meals. The somehow-elected methane-extruding distractionist has submitted this morsel of dead tripe into his serving of  this major load of crapola:

“No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food,” the bill reads. Any restaurant caught by the new government job as “salt investigator” (CSI: New York? Criminal Salt Investigation?) would be fined $1000.

“New York City is considered the restaurant capital of the world. If they banned salt, nobody would come here anymore,” said Tom Collichio, star of “Top Chef”, apparently a TV show, and owner of Craft, likely a good restaurant.

“Anybody who wants to taste food with no salt, go to a hospital and taste that,” he said.

As the wars rage, the economy collapses, our health care kills instead of heals, idiots like these provide distraction with cheap headline-grabbing non-issues that I would never fall for. I would certainly never give his issue any coverage. Right?

Of course not! I have to watch Jersey Shore and measure Snooki’s “poof”. Just say that: “Snooki’s poof.” This is America.

Florida Lawmaker Wants to Cut Funding For Good Movies


No Smoking, No Sex, and No Gays or No Money

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved.

Florida State Representative Stephen Precourt has attached a provision into a $75 million tax incentive bill designed to attract film production that would only fund “family-friendly” movies.” Movies that included “non-traditional family values” such as smoking, sex, nudity, gay characters, or “profane language” would not be eligible for funding.

Precourt explained: “Think of it as like Mayberry. That’s when I grew up — the ’60s. That’s what life was like. I want Florida to be known for making those kinds of movies: Disney movies for kids and all that stuff. Like it used to be, you know?”

So Rep. Precourt wants movies to be like the ‘60’s? I’m all for that. That decade gave us great movies, like Psycho, Easy Rider, The Graduate, Dr. Strangelove, Midnight Cowboy, Bonnie and Clyde, La Dolce Vita, Breathless, Jules et Jim, and many more. None of these films would qualify for Mr. Precourt’s funding.

Nor would classics such as Casablanca, The Godfather, Chinatown, Annie Hall, and an Oscarload of others.

Films that likely would qualify for Mr. Precourt’s funding include Free Willy III, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Leonard Part 6, Car 54 Where Are You?, and, of course, From Justin to Kelly.

I’m on my way to Florida to pitch him “Return to Mayberry: The Straight Ladies’ Pie Contest”.

Hot New Bollywood Video Snaps Heads With Its Brilliance


“Slumdog Millionaire” Paved the Way for “Benny Lover”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Once again, it took my team at Quality Shows Inaccurate Translation Service to bring an amazing new video to the public’s attention. Here’s just a hint of a brilliant new Bollywood video with dazzling dancing, stunning costumes, and lyrics that will have you snapping your head back in disbelief. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Innacurately Translated version of “Benny Lover”.

This is just what it sounds like to me.

New ACLU? Publicists’ Association Demands Full “Celebrity Rights”


“We Shall Overcome!” Says Spokesbitch. Teach Celebrity Rights in Schools, Not Just on MTV!

By Joe Bodolai

At a splashy press conference held at Mr. Chow’s restaurant in Beverly Hills, the newly-formed American Celebrity Liberties Union (ACLU), made up of  some of Hollywood’s most obnoxious publicists, today lauded a new bill they have managed to launch in the California legislature. The bill, they said, would finally “guarantee fundamental super-human rights for Celebrity-Americans”. Under the proposed bill, celebrities would be allowed long sought tax breaks, the right to own automatic weapons and hire private militia, freedom from “harrassing DUI and drug charges and assault immunity on paparazzi” and even the right to special police protection during natural disasters or terrorist attacks. “There’s no doubt that Celebrity-Americans are the country’s backbone,” said ACLU spokesperson Lizzie Gruntman, “we can’t have them inconvenienced during emergencies, let alone their fabulous daily lives. America needs them to inspire and lead, just as they always have. It’s time for the oppression to stop. Oh, and legalize paparazzi murder. I said that out loud, right? Good, somebody needs to.

ACLU's Gruntman: ”Give us shots of her cookie, not of her coke!“

Grubman also exhorted the paparazzi to be “better at their jobs and aim higher. Instead of horrible candid drunk photos, inspire us with nip slips and pantiless limo exits.”

She also pointed out the “horrible double standard” by which Celebrity-Americans have been “exploited for years” and demanded that Celebrity Rights be taught in schools. She pointed out “the tragic case of Martha Stewart, whom, she explains, “didn’t commit anywhere near as bad a crime as Ken Lay of Enron but because she’s a celebrity she had to do hard time while he, a mere rich crook, went free.” Sporting an officially licensed “Leave Lindsay Alone!” button, Gruntman also campaigned for the cause of  Lindsay Lohan, “a young Celebrity-American woman who has been harassed by the jealous legal system with numerous drug and traffic charges.” She also brought up the case of Britney Spears, who has been persecuted in the past over “pointless inquiries into child care, marriage documents and the like. We must preserve Celebrity-Americans’ right to trophy adoption and drunken impulse marriage.”

The Union also agreed that they would lobby on behalf of those who are only “part Celebrity”, such as Snooki, the Kardashians, or other people appearing in reality (sic) television shows. ”These people need bodyguards, entourages, better free swag, and the other basics of celebrity life, such as VIP entrance to clubs and major sporting events and private audiences with the Pope. After all, would you rather see Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room or Mike ”The Situation’s“ Room? ” Come on, that’s a no-brainer!”

Serial Adoption is a Fundamental Right for Today's Figure-Conscious Stars

Gruntman moved the crowd with her exhortation to “imagine, if you will, the aftermath of a terrorist attack, thousands of civilians or “filler people” dead or wounded. Cell phones wouldn’t work. Children and staff need to be contacted. Wouldn’t you want your celebrities to have satellite phones? Armed bodyguards? Generators to keep the Sub-Zero refrigerators going? Or private planes with Air Force fighter escorts to lead them to safety? Of course you would. We’re talking not only about the freedom of today’s celebrities but also their celebrity children. Who speaks for them?”

Gruntman drew her loudest cheers from the celebrities with her comments that “what ordinary people think of as ‘special privileges’ are, for Celebrity-Americans, just long overdue fundamental celebrity rights… fuck this latte is cold!” and threw it into the face of her earnest young intern. “You bitch! You know I want it at 167 degrees! Not your pasty ass body temperature and stop fucking crying!”

Can God Make Something Heavier Than He Can Lift?

March 1, 2010 47 comments

I Asked This Question in Fifth Grade and Even the Pope Hasn’t Answered It. Maybe I Should Have Asked “She”?.

By Joe Bodolai © All rights reserved.

Wrapped in Thorns and In Flames? Is this a loving heart?

I just stared at the terrifying image of the burning Sacred Heart of Jesus on the wall above Father Franko’s head as he spoke to Sister Lucille’s Fifth Grade class at Holy Name School in Youngstown, Ohio. I stared.  It looked like an extracted human heart surrounded by thorns and flames. What does that mean?

Out the window, I could see that it was 10:00 a.m. at the stacks from the open hearth at U.S. Steel, where my father worked, or rather, used to work. The stacks belched their black soft clouds of gas into the air. They carried on without him. My dad. He died five days earlier.

“God is all powerful,” said the kindly priest, a reality show version of Bing Crosby in The Bells of St. Mary’s, a movie that makes me cry every Christmas. Seriously. Except now I think Ingrid Bergman is sexy hot and I imagine her in her Saint Victoria’s Secret lingerie.

Her mental image was replaced by the scary real presence of Sister Lucille, the Meanest Nun in School. We called her “Sister Lucifer.” No doubt she entered the convent because she was an Alpha Female, with her psychic tool belt. Her conversations with her fellow Brides of Christ likely included the words “suck my dick.”

“God is all powerful?” I thought. “So why can’t He bring my father back to life? Why did he kill him?” “He” had taken my wonderful dad from me the previous week and this was my first day back in school, still confused and aching with grief. My father died in the 130 degree heat of the blast furnace, an uninsured no previous condition heart attack no doubt served up as a main course after his usual appetizer of two packs of unfiltered Lucky Strikes a day. And hefty portions of fatty paprikacs Hungarian bacon in the role of the elegant hostess showing him to the Coronary Corner Table. Okay, but why now? He was just 42. Even Hitler lived to 56.

I couldn’t ask the questions I wanted to ask about my dad, but by my age, ten, I was really having some serious logical issues with the notion of God. I assumed that God’s power was for “good”, and was baffled why He was not winning in His apparent struggle against Lucifer to make our world a peaceful, happier place. After all, He was “all powerful” and should be able to cover any point spread. It seemed as if the battle between good and evil was way too evenly matched, about as evenly matched as the epic conflict between shirts and skins. If God is all powerful, shouldn’t Satan be coaching the moral equivalent of the Washington Generals?

Then it hit me. Catholicism, or any religion, has nothing to do with earthly reality or a struggle between Good and Evil. It is basically a real estate ad for an imaginary gated community called “Heaven.”

Life is bad. Heaven is good. Sign up now. No money down. Offer requires certain conditions including costumes, rituals, and political and social behavior. And then money every week in the collection plate.

So I raised my hand.

“Father, God can do anything, right?”

“Yes, of course Joseph. He’s omnipotent.”

“Well, if he can do anything, can God make something heavier than He can lift?”

Uh-oh.

“What?”

“Can God make something heavier than He can lift?”

The first of the many awkward pauses that would follow some of my utterances all my life turned the room into a freeze frame. In this momentary absence of time, this was in my brain:

  • If God can make something heavier than He can lift, then He is not “all powerful.
  • If God can’t make something heavier than He can lift, then He is not “all powerful”.
  • Therefore, the existence of an “all powerful God” is impossible.

In my mind, this was a question more legitimate than those discussed by medieval theologians, even Thomas Aquinas, and other scholars. It was often expressed as “how many angels can dance on the head of pin?” a question that made me wonder why the hell they’d want to do that rather than how many of them would sign up. And why was god a “he”? Did I miss that day? Moral heroes in my life were and always have been more women than men. I was just curious.

As stunning as a lightning strike, the punch line arrived. The metal edge of the wooden ruler that Sister Lucille carried for discipline smote me on the wrist bone. A twinge of pain shot up my arm with the osseous equivalent of licking a 12-volt battery. Blood slowly emerged from the new slit of flesh on my wrist. All eyes looked at me and the room seemed to spin. Not in the romantic comedy way where couples gambol barefoot in the fountain at Lincoln Center, but more like the way when you’re just about to vomit cotton candy, Sam’s Club grape soda, and French fries with gravy on a too-fast merry-go-round at the Possum County Fair kinda way.

My classmates’ eyes pointed at me in ridicule and pity, and I felt as if I were on the bad side of a cage, as if I were a baboon scratching my red ass and eating the lice. I would continue to have this enormous skepticism about everything related to “God” for most of the rest of my life. Once I started drinking, or rather, seeing what happens when girls were drinking, I developed even less respect for this traditional Catholicism or religion. Like the so-called “Immaculate Conception”: The “Virgin” Mary telling Joseph “honey, it’s a divine virgin birth, I swear! God is the father!”

Maury's Result? “God. You Are NOT the Father!”

Thing is, here’s what I believe: she’s a blackout drunk off in a stable with some badass shepherd boy who’s got a big old donkey and a quart of Johnny 3:16 distilled Tebow Tequila. I’ll bet if we go on Maury the result would be… “God. You are NOT the father!”

Look, Mary, just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

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