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Archive for March, 2010

News From Next Week

March 30, 2010 Leave a comment

News From Next Week

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

  • “Holy Water-gate” Ensnares Pope, but Ugly New Speculation Over “Deep Throat”
  • Obama Throws Out First Pitch at Nationals’ Opener, Signed as Fifth Starter
  • Two Killed in Undercover Boss Episode Featuring Gambino Family
  • Microsoft Forced to Admit: “Windows 7 is Mac’s Idea”
Categories: Comedy and Satire

Carly Fiorina Depicts Opponent’s Death in New Attack Video!

March 30, 2010 8 comments

Insane, Extravagant Video for Crazed Former HP Head and Receptionist Depicts Death of California Senator Barbara Boxer

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved

A new attack video posted on YouTube by an obviously megalomaniacal California Senatorial candidate Carly Fiorina has gone so far over the top and over the edge of decency and taste by depicting the death of her rival. Fiorina has hired a production company with a budget that could likely solve California’s debt crisis and created a video whose Tim Burton-inspired effects and message are inflated with the noxious methane of her ego and her values.

There is little to say. See for yourself. Then please comment. I am out of words about this so I want to hear from you. Also, you must read John Gabree’s excellent blog for much more: http://www.impracticalproposals.com/

Categories: Politics, Social Issues

TSA Introduces New “Hot or Not?” Naked Body Scanners

March 30, 2010 8 comments

Passengers Rate Others to Win Prizes, Reduce Opposition to Invasion of Privacy

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved

In the wake of the Moscow subway bombing, the Naked Body Scan Industry expects to supply their equipment to subway stations, bus stops, malls, schools, hospitals, movie theaters, and more. In an effort to overcome resistance to such unconstitutional invasions, they have announced a new feature by which other passengers, guests, or visitors could rate each other as “hot or not”.

Not hot but packin'

“No matter what they say, people like looking at pictures of naked people,” said Don LeBureau, spokesman for the new ThinkPink scanner, expected to launch later this year. “The old technology really provides poor quality, like sex videos shot in night vision. We’re going all the way with ours, so now people will no longer be bored standing in line for an hour or so.” The new scanners will project actual naked pictures to the public. “People might resist this at first, but when they find out they can vote “hot or not” and compete for great prizes, like Target gift cards, Omaha Steaks, and Zune mp3 players, that resistance will melt faster than my penis looking at a nude Kirstie Alley,” said LeBureau. “Hot people obviously will be very popular and the voting should be as intense as American Idol, but Not Hot people will also have a chance to win. Those who correctly pick the Hottie of the Hour will also be eligible for prizes. That’s really democraticish. We really gotta thank those Black Widows who bombed Moscow for helping our marketing. I love those guys.”

UPDATE! Transportation Sexual Assault Now Recruiting Pedophiles, Defrocked Priests, Goons on Craigslist!

 

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Guest Columnist: Larry King

March 26, 2010 3 comments

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! invited talk show host and syndicated columnist Larry King to post one of his gems of a column

By ”Larry King“ (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Guest Columnist Larry King

Tiger Woods is now fifteen over par on his marriage. That’s a lot of strokes for the front nine…. Did you know Elin Nordregen has a twin sister? That would be a sweet two-putt… With so many people claiming it’s ”my idea“ that looming Windows 7 lawsuit is going to be a doozy!… Had some kasha at Nate & Al’s today. When it comes to grains, ka$ha is money…  Am I the only one who noticed? Hockey is just soccer on ice ….Here’s one for the books: the Baltimore Orioles are the only team whose full team name is the same as a species, unless there are actually some Toronto Blue Jays in the wild… Two words: buttered toast… Gotta say it: Lady Gaga? I love that guy!… I never took Jimmy Cameron to make a horror movie. That Abbatoir sounds too scary for me… Pound for pound, has there been a better singer than Celine Dion?… I thought I was going to Wolf’s show but I accidentally wandered into ”Mike the Situation’s Room“… Got a great spray tan though… … You can say I said so: Kirstie Alley is going to make people forget Kirstie Alley… Viagra or Cialis? It says a lot about you. …You ever seen anybody make a pair of glasses look better than Sarah Palin? She ought to sign a deal with LensCrafters… That Ashley Greene could paint my red suspenders on her body anytime… When you say “perky” you say Jean Harlow … Cinnamon on warm milk is like a monkey on a motorbike — delicious!… Underrated? Stool softener… Speaking of which, thanks and see you next time.

Larry

Categories: Comedy and Satire

New York Lawmaker Wants to Ban Salt!

March 11, 2010 Leave a comment

Craziness Goes Even Further in Ignoring Wars, Economy, Health and Real Life

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

New York State Representative Felix Ortiz has introduced legislation calling for a ban on salt in restaurant meals. The somehow-elected methane-extruding distractionist has submitted this morsel of dead tripe into his serving of  this major load of crapola:

“No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food,” the bill reads. Any restaurant caught by the new government job as “salt investigator” (CSI: New York? Criminal Salt Investigation?) would be fined $1000.

“New York City is considered the restaurant capital of the world. If they banned salt, nobody would come here anymore,” said Tom Collichio, star of “Top Chef”, apparently a TV show, and owner of Craft, likely a good restaurant.

“Anybody who wants to taste food with no salt, go to a hospital and taste that,” he said.

As the wars rage, the economy collapses, our health care kills instead of heals, idiots like these provide distraction with cheap headline-grabbing non-issues that I would never fall for. I would certainly never give his issue any coverage. Right?

Of course not! I have to watch Jersey Shore and measure Snooki’s “poof”. Just say that: “Snooki’s poof.” This is America.

Florida Lawmaker Wants to Cut Funding For Good Movies


No Smoking, No Sex, and No Gays or No Money

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved.

Florida State Representative Stephen Precourt has attached a provision into a $75 million tax incentive bill designed to attract film production that would only fund “family-friendly” movies.” Movies that included “non-traditional family values” such as smoking, sex, nudity, gay characters, or “profane language” would not be eligible for funding.

Precourt explained: “Think of it as like Mayberry. That’s when I grew up — the ’60s. That’s what life was like. I want Florida to be known for making those kinds of movies: Disney movies for kids and all that stuff. Like it used to be, you know?”

So Rep. Precourt wants movies to be like the ‘60’s? I’m all for that. That decade gave us great movies, like Psycho, Easy Rider, The Graduate, Dr. Strangelove, Midnight Cowboy, Bonnie and Clyde, La Dolce Vita, Breathless, Jules et Jim, and many more. None of these films would qualify for Mr. Precourt’s funding.

Nor would classics such as Casablanca, The Godfather, Chinatown, Annie Hall, and an Oscarload of others.

Films that likely would qualify for Mr. Precourt’s funding include Free Willy III, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Leonard Part 6, Car 54 Where Are You?, and, of course, From Justin to Kelly.

I’m on my way to Florida to pitch him “Return to Mayberry: The Straight Ladies’ Pie Contest”.

Hot New Bollywood Video Snaps Heads With Its Brilliance


“Slumdog Millionaire” Paved the Way for “Benny Lover”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Once again, it took my team at Quality Shows Inaccurate Translation Service to bring an amazing new video to the public’s attention. Here’s just a hint of a brilliant new Bollywood video with dazzling dancing, stunning costumes, and lyrics that will have you snapping your head back in disbelief. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Innacurately Translated version of “Benny Lover”.

This is just what it sounds like to me.