New ACLU? Publicists’ Association Demands Full “Celebrity Rights”
“We Shall Overcome!” Says Spokesbitch. Teach Celebrity Rights in Schools, Not Just on MTV!
By Joe Bodolai
At a splashy press conference held at Mr. Chow’s restaurant in Beverly Hills, the newly-formed American Celebrity Liberties Union (ACLU), made up of some of Hollywood’s most obnoxious publicists, today lauded a new bill they have managed to launch in the California legislature. The bill, they said, would finally “guarantee fundamental super-human rights for Celebrity-Americans”. Under the proposed bill, celebrities would be allowed long sought tax breaks, the right to own automatic weapons and hire private militia, freedom from “harrassing DUI and drug charges and assault immunity on paparazzi” and even the right to special police protection during natural disasters or terrorist attacks. “There’s no doubt that Celebrity-Americans are the country’s backbone,” said ACLU spokesperson Lizzie Gruntman, “we can’t have them inconvenienced during emergencies, let alone their fabulous daily lives. America needs them to inspire and lead, just as they always have. It’s time for the oppression to stop. Oh, and legalize paparazzi murder. I said that out loud, right? Good, somebody needs to.
Grubman also exhorted the paparazzi to be “better at their jobs and aim higher. Instead of horrible candid drunk photos, inspire us with nip slips and pantiless limo exits.”
She also pointed out the “horrible double standard” by which Celebrity-Americans have been “exploited for years” and demanded that Celebrity Rights be taught in schools. She pointed out “the tragic case of Martha Stewart, whom, she explains, “didn’t commit anywhere near as bad a crime as Ken Lay of Enron but because she’s a celebrity she had to do hard time while he, a mere rich crook, went free.” Sporting an officially licensed “Leave Lindsay Alone!” button, Gruntman also campaigned for the cause of Lindsay Lohan, “a young Celebrity-American woman who has been harassed by the jealous legal system with numerous drug and traffic charges.” She also brought up the case of Britney Spears, who has been persecuted in the past over “pointless inquiries into child care, marriage documents and the like. We must preserve Celebrity-Americans’ right to trophy adoption and drunken impulse marriage.”
The Union also agreed that they would lobby on behalf of those who are only “part Celebrity”, such as Snooki, the Kardashians, or other people appearing in reality (sic) television shows. ”These people need bodyguards, entourages, better free swag, and the other basics of celebrity life, such as VIP entrance to clubs and major sporting events and private audiences with the Pope. After all, would you rather see Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room or Mike ”The Situation’s“ Room? ” Come on, that’s a no-brainer!”
Gruntman moved the crowd with her exhortation to “imagine, if you will, the aftermath of a terrorist attack, thousands of civilians or “filler people” dead or wounded. Cell phones wouldn’t work. Children and staff need to be contacted. Wouldn’t you want your celebrities to have satellite phones? Armed bodyguards? Generators to keep the Sub-Zero refrigerators going? Or private planes with Air Force fighter escorts to lead them to safety? Of course you would. We’re talking not only about the freedom of today’s celebrities but also their celebrity children. Who speaks for them?”
Gruntman drew her loudest cheers from the celebrities with her comments that “what ordinary people think of as ‘special privileges’ are, for Celebrity-Americans, just long overdue fundamental celebrity rights… fuck this latte is cold!” and threw it into the face of her earnest young intern. “You bitch! You know I want it at 167 degrees! Not your pasty ass body temperature and stop fucking crying!”
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