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Archive for April, 2010

Snooki To Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner

April 30, 2010 5 comments

America's Favorite Poof-Coiffed Guidette

Expected to Bring Trademark Biting Political Satire

UPDATE: SETH MEYERS MADE IT AND ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED IT AT LAST NIGHT’S EVENT! SNOOKI PROMISES TO “SMUSH IT’ NEXT YEAR!

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

In a surprising turn of events, tomorrow night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner will be hosted by Snooki Polizzi of the hard-hitting documentary series Jersey Shore.Last year, the scheduled host Jay Leno announced he would be unable to attend as he was in negotiations with TBS to replace Conan O’Brien after replacing O’Brien on The Tonight Show. The diminutive best-selling author was then bumped when Leno decided he would host after all.

This year, scheduled host Seth Meyers became unexpectedly “unable to attend” after learning he would have to follow President Obama. Citing “not enough time” prepare, experts noted that Weekend Update, where SNL writers have a week to come up with a few jokes that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report do every night, was “just way too impossible at this late date. I mean, we only had a year! Look at Spiderman; they’re not ready and he has superpowers.”

Polizzi, who noted that “my name even sounds sorta like ‘poltics’ right?” was eager to jump in at the last minute when “dude told me it’s open bar.”

The poof-coiffed Guidette is expected to bring her trademark biting political satire to bear and her targets will certainly include President Obama but the diminutive zinger slinger said she has “a lot of surprises planned and also plans on “doing a lot of physical stuff, like smooshing with the Prez” and certainly is not afraid to fight, as evidenced in several segments of her pithy, thought-provoking series. When asked if she plans to outdo the memorable and sizzling performance of Stephen Colbert she displayed her rapier wit. “I don’t know the guy but if his name is Stephen Cold Beer let’s go!”

She is also famously remembered for her remarks to Michelle Obama in a New Jersey nightclub  “geez you is usin’ way too much spray tan,”  

“When Snooki Has a Best-Selling ‘Novel’ It’s Over!Nostradamus

Go to my home page https://qualityshows.wordpress.com

THIS JUST IN: Joe Bodolai Secedes From Union! Copyrights Self!

April 28, 2010 6 comments

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved, especially you America

“When voting makes no difference and oligarchs in service of a foreign power continue to defraud and rob the country, I can no longer be part of it,” said Joe Bodolai, author of this sentence you are currently reading. His brief but incredibly powerful chick magnet-like address on the steps of the Santa Monica Public Library was done without teleprompters and not with notes written on his hand.” I seek not conflict, but to end it and I hereby declare my sovereign territory extending to the fullest and exaggerationist outer boundaries of my body in whatever location I happen to be in, even if part of me is in someone else.”

He immediately copyrighted himself and his life and maintained “The United States will be in violation of that copyright should they use my name or images without the express written consent of Major League Baseball or myself on any document, such as tax or census forms  I can assure you they will be met with the full fury of a team of C-average or better law students.”

The entire nation of Joe Bodolai turned out for the country’s first Presidential election with Joe Bodolai winning 100% of the vote. He was inaugurated in a brief ceremony at a local Starbucks where he pledged to end his country’s 100% unemployment rate.

Just Some Weird and Confusing Things from Pop Culture That I’ve Heard

April 27, 2010 2 comments

Just Some Weird and Confusing Things from Pop Culture That I’ve Heard

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

I don’t have any documentation that all this is true and I honestly did not make this up.  I just added my thoughts about these amazingly oddly interesting things.

  • A company is selling a home defibrillator that is guaranteed “for the life of the owner”. Okay, think about it for a moment.  Who wins with this guarantee?
  • A porn star, Jenna Jameson, and some Ultimate Fighter, Tito Ortiz are having marital problems. Aside from the interesting conjunction of these  so insanely useless demographics and their effect on human evolution, think about this. He apparently hit her for real, cuz that’s what they do, and it looks like divorce, which means they won’t breed. She got hit for real and, ironically has spent her porn career faking it! Shouldn’t she have married a WWE wrestler? That’s all they do too.
  • jobo@me.com

  • There is now a huge rotation of commercials for something called “Abilify”, which is supposed to be taken to supplement your regular anti-depressant. The one side effect I was hoping to hear about was that “Abilify” acts like like anti-matter when it meets matter and boom! It cancels out the “depressant” effect of your sex drive and horns you up, but alas, it just blinds and kills you or something. So if your regular octane anti-depressant isn’t depressant enough this might be your ticket. Of course, “ask your doctor”. I agree, but not “if Abilify is right for you” but “hey, are those new Calloway golf clubs? (Email me if you don’t get it but I’m not going to unsubtlify this.)
  • Any Holocaust survivors still alive out there? I heard “Cash4Gold” pays 0.2 per cent better than the Nazis. Just Fedex them your gold, or somebody else’s. How are local cops going to know?  They’ll appraise it and who wouldn’t trust a late night TV ad spokesman to be honest? (They also claim  “we have our own refineries.) Always a good sign to deal with a company that has their own refineries, isn’t it?
  • I finally watched the Kim and Kourtney Kardashian show. Is that a typo? I’d swear it should be spelled “Lardashian”. I don’t even want to comment on the issue of body hair, but one of them was with Reggie Bush. Reggie, of course, is diminutive of “Regina” which means queen and rhymes with “vagina” then add “Bush”. You’re way ahead of me why I never want to see them naked. I think of  Werner Herzog’s great movie “Fitzcarraldo” about hacking through the jungle. Yeah, I know, I have half my readers who know Kim and Kourtney (the “u” is high class, always after a “k”) and the other half old enough to know the movie and don’t know how to use a computer to even see this.

If you guys liked this for more later, let me know.

I love all your emails and I know why it’s easier to email me than to comment because of my page layout. I’ll try to put a comment or share button more visible. I’ve only done this for less than four months and I have so much stuff in the earlier posts that were unknown. If you like something, click on my archives. They’re not musty or Indiana Jonesish.

And watch my TV work and videos at youtube.com/qualityshows

Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush and Memoirs Direct to Dustbin

April 27, 2010 Leave a comment

Bush Adeptly Fielding a Call from the President

America Asks: “Who Wrote It?”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

Cheney Administration spokesman George W. Bush has a “real high school-sized”  hard cover book which briefly appeared last November. The memoir, expected to be full of lies begins with the name of the author. The title Decision Points is based on the term “decision pints” used by the staff when they would bet on how many “pints” of beer that he would consume before he found out what his decision was told to him.

It is likely that Bush was involved in the book in some way, such as selecting photos, approving of the font used, etc. In order to give Bush the illusion that he is actually “writin’ a book”, Cheney had given him a large newsprint pad and some markers for him to attempt to write some anecdotes that were used as photo captions, which sources said is “pretty much all he reads when you give him a “college type” book. “Them college books are heavy! Bush described his as “even bigger that the one by Snooki and, uh, when it comes to, uh, mattering, size, uh, fool me once.”

One of the highlights to commemorate

One passage that experts said seems to be completely re-written “with school type words” is Bush’s description of his (sic) foreign policy:“Whenever we see something another country has that we want, or Israel tells us to get it for them, you gotta come out bombin’ then keep on kickin’ ‘em when they’re down, punch it in the red zone,then move in so they can’t get their stuff back. It’s win-win.”

Bush’s love of books is mainly evidenced by the fact that his wife Laura was a librarian, and was demonstrated in his comments on reading My Pet Goat to second graders in Florida as the World Trade Center was bombed: “I wish I could have finished reading it. We were getting to an exciting part when the goat left the pen. I still don’t know what happened to him! But he probably was gonna get eaten somewhere they eat goat, like maybe Boston.  Y’see what I’m sayin’? There’s a time for politics and there’s a time for goat.”

It is also worth noting that Bush’s Secret Service detachment gave him exra time to read since it is normal procedure for the Secret Service to immediately whisk the “President” away to safety immediately when there is an attack. Some claim this implied foreknowledge of the attacks. Okay, I do. The only reason he wasn’t taken to a “secure, secret undisclosed location” like Warren Buffet’s rec room could be that they knew he had nothing to worry about. Too bad they didn’t read Silver Blaze, a Sherlock Holmes novel in which Holmes solves the case by knowing the only reason the guard dogs didn’t bark was because they knew the perpetrators.

Finally, for those who don’t recall, here is George W. Bush’s “farewell address”, truthified by me.

News From Next Week

April 17, 2010 1 comment

by Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

  • Alien Made Entirely of Collagen Discovered in Beverly Hills

Alien Made Entirely of Collagen

  • Rumors Swirl that Tom Cruise is Straight
  • Can’t Multitask? Movie Lovers Watch Other Movies on iPads While At the Movies
  • Goldman Sachs Throws Themselves on Mercy of the Court, along with $100 Million Bribe
  • Prestigious National Whore Institute Names Ke$ha “Pop Whore Role Model of the Year”
  • Related: Tens of Ke$ha Fans Rally to Protest “Having to Hit the Fuckin’ $hift Key!”

From the Archives: Failure of Velcro Crop Threatens Hungarian Economy

April 16, 2010 2 comments

Hungarian Velcro Crop, More Than a Fastener, Knits the Social Fabric

Mysterious Lint Storms Threaten Lush Bounty of Rich Velcro Fields

By  Joe Bodolai & Steve Radlauer (c) 1982, All rights reserved

NOTE: This article originally appeared in the celebrated parody OFF THE WALL STREET JOURNAL in collaboration with the brilliant Steve Radlauer and was featured in a NEWSWEEK cover story.

Miskolc, Hungary – It is windy here but, mysteriously, Zoltan Dudai’s field hat does not blow off his head. With a twinkle in his eye, the wiry Magyar, 52,tears off his hat, producing the unmistakeable ripping sound made by only one product on earth. Proudly, he shows his foreign visitor the secret – a velcro hat liner and its mate, a black “female” velcro band around his head.

Hungarian Velcro Has Made Life Simpler, Beautiful

“We are a velcro people,” he boasts. “The blood that my ancestors spilled on this ground now gives life to our crop, and our crop keeps our garments securely fastened!”

To Zoltan Dudai, velcro is more than a convenient, modern fastener – it is a way of life. Mr. Dudai is the overseer of the Miskolci Velkrogyar, the largest velcro farm in the world. From the Miskolc area comes 56% of the world’s grade A velcro crop. After harvesting, the adhesive vegetable is dried and processed at the nearby state-run factory, then exported to the four corners of the earth for use as the bristly, multipurpose closure material so popular on ski jackets, shoes, slipcovers, and wallets. “Hungarian velcro and Hungarian women are the world’s finest,” Mr. Dudai says. “We love our velcro. It gives us life.” That Mr. Dudai and his people love velcro is no understatement. “Velkro” is in fact the Hungarian word for sex. He explains: “Velcro is exactly like love, is it not? Lovers come together in silent union, stick, then separate noisily.”

Hungarian Velcro Harvester

Gazing adoringly at his 52,000 hectares of gently rolling hills covered with the plant that often reminds foreigners of giant bonsai trees covered with wooly black Spanish moss, Mr. Dudai’s reverie is interrupted by a shower of white flakes that descend from the sky and lands on his head and shoulders. He runs his calloused hands through a thick mane of hair. “Is no snow, is no dandruff,” he laughs nervously, “it’s csouris – lint. This is lint to choke a family.”

Lint, the natural enemy of velcro, destroys the plant’s unique adhesive qualities. “The female velcro plant, she is weak, like a woman,” says Mr. Dudai with tears in his eyes. “She cannot resist the white lint, After she forms a union with this lint, she is sterile, barren, not sticky – she refuse to mate with the male velcro, and he in his loyalty cannot mate with anything else.” Lint, raining from the sky in quantities not seen the invasion of 1956, will likely cause this year’s crop to fall short of last year’s record 15.8 billion spines, enough raw velcro to affix Japan to Michigan 13 times over.

No one is sure where the lint comes from, although researchers at the nearby N. Kruschev Agricultural and Mining Institute speculate that it is a result of increased use of aerosol products in the West. (This is disputed by Professors Sanjeev Mukhari and Radi Gupta of the Massachusetts Institute of Adhesiology, who claim that the Hungarian lint situation is caused by the improper cleaning of laundromat exhaust stacks in nearby Czechoslovakia.) Whereever the lint may come from, one thing is certain: There are going to be a lot of “unattached” male velcro plants this season.

If there is a shortage, it will likely mean higher prices on the international spot market, a situation welcomed by many Communist planners. But there are those who disagree. Dudai’s son Geza, 19, whose penchant for numbers has earned him the nickname “Mathematics”, is one of them. “These big party officials with their cars and zippers know nothing of our velcro,” fumes Mathematics. “If velcro price goes up only 17%, Americans will have much incentive to make their velcro perfect. We will have to increase our overall efficiency by over 34% or we will all die!”

Failure of Velcro Crops Spells Hard Times

“We’re still years behind the Hungarians, even with the lint problem,” says Mal Fowler, spokesman for the American Velcromen’s Association. “Our velcro is every bit as cohesive as theirs, but we still don’t get that nice crisp ‘rip’ they get.” Mr. Fowler refused to comment on the other well-known objection to the domestic strain – the way it releases the noxious smell of rotten eggs during each uncoupling.

“American velcro (88% of which is grown in New Jersey) makes a loud, distinctly flatulent sound,” says Whitney Schooner, fastener industry analyst with Lehman Brothers Kuhn Loeb. “But that’s not the worst part; it’s the odor that really clinches it. Nobody wants to be accused of ‘letting off a big one’ every time he takes off his sneakers.”

Back in Miskolc, the Dudai family prepares for the spring fertility festival despite the ominous clouds of lint approaching from the direction of Czechoslovakia.

Mathematics’ sister Csandi, 15, named Velcro Princess at last fall’s harvest festival, enthuses over the hardy perennial as she dons her ceremonial patushki, festooned with and fastened by the local staple. “I never fear bad fit from clothes,” she smiles. “Velcro is adjustable and makes my patushki feel so good on my skin! Mmmm. Not a button is to be seen in this part of my fatherland. I am many happy.”

Pope Confesses to Self, Forgives Own Sins, All Pedophile Priests

April 15, 2010 1 comment

Two Hail Marys “Oughta Cover It” Says Holy Joey Ratz.

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Joey Ratz Eager to Work His Popely Magic

Proclaiming himself “super holy”, Joe Ratzinger (aka “the Pope”) emerged from a Vatican confessional today and claims he has “forgiven” himself for what he referred to as “so-called sins” and also forgave all priests and other church officials accused of child molestation. “Some people might see this as damage control,” said the former Nazi Youth, “but first there has to be damage. Anyway, I gave myself and the guys a round two Hail Marys, and you know if I bring Mary into this, and she is a virgin, that’s proof of no diddling boys. This whole mess is due to the clever homosexual children because the little lambs got flocked by the Shepherd which proves they were not victims,” he “explained.” The official Vatican press release, published in High Pig Latin, entitled Uckfay Uyay, continued: “E pluribus unum, as a bonus, I threw in forgiving the Beatles and, veni vidi vici I’m offering 50% off for all school groups to visit the Shroud of Turin for Christ’s sake.  We’re also selling Abbey Road in the Vatican gift shop now. This is what makes the Catholic Church so effin’ great. Remember, omnes gallia est divisa en tres partes. When questioned about his infallibility at a special Palm Sunday brunch at the Palm Restaurant at Vatican Citywalk , the Pope blamed his streak of incorrectly picking the last 45 Super Bowl winners on “Satan’s voice in the huddle for some really shoddy play calling. Dominus frickin’ vobiscum! Oh, and to answer your question, no, I do not consider my outfits ‘super gay.”

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Alien Admits: “We Live Among You!”

April 13, 2010 Leave a comment

Several Prominent Aliens Announce: “Time to Stop Hiding”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Zontar, Thing from Venus, admitted to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! reporters today that he, and many other aliens are living on earth undetected. “My earth name may be Amy Winehouse, but I am really from a dive bar on the Venus equivalent of Buffalo.“

Zontar, Thing from Venus aka ”Amy Winehouse“

When reports leaked that Thing from Venus confessed, numerous other aliens also spoke up. ”It’s time we stopped the charade,“ said Angelyne, whose alien name was revealed to be Morp Flepnop. ”I’ve been spying on earth in earthly form with a realistic (sic) human body but I have also disguised myself as a billboard on Sunset Boulevard.“

Moop Flepnop aka “Angelyne” and “a billboard”

When asked about her alien name, Flepnop replied ”on my planet Moop Flepnop is the equivalent of your ‘Dave’.“

Other aliens who have come forth include Glipfung J. Fuppletit (aka “Snooki”) who said “I was wondering how long it would take for my unearthly orange skin and the black fern fronds growing from my cranial surface would be cause for your suspicion. Ironically, I do love Nati Lite.”

Glipfung J. Fuppletit (aka “Snooki”)

Aliens have been particularly successful at disguising themselves as “celebrities” on reality shows, said Vupflargo Bellyputz (aka “Bruce Jenner”) “After all, our appearance is reality showlike and is unnoticed by anyone with an IQ under 80. There are others who have not come out, it added, “but I think if you look for signs such as oversized plush Milky Way asses and an overabundance of annoying space lichens, which appear to be body hair. Others of us should be easy to spot. We often live among you as real housewives with simulated protoplasm so real it’s actually an otherworldly gel of hormones, pig semen, and the meconium of the Sacred Infants of Beetelgeuse, it cryptically concluded.

Vupflargo Bellyputz (aka “Bruce Jenner”)

More revelations are due to come in the following days. Stay tuned to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! for more on this breaking story.

BREAKING! Suspected Synthete Heidi Montag” body analysis revealed to be 96% synthetic materials 4% sodium benzoate added as preservative. .

Undercover B.S.

April 5, 2010 2 comments

Infomercial for Capitalism Hoodwinks America, Gets Huge Ratings

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved.

The new series “Undercover Boss” on CBS is a ratings hit but a truth disaster. The show, shot in a “reality” (sic) format, follows CEOs of some of America’s most “prestigious” companies, such as Roto-Rooter, White Castle, Hooters, and 7-11, as they go “undercover” to work as an entry level employee in their own company. With a TV crew following them. Not exactly my idea of “entry level” but that’s their conceit.

The show is formulaic. Boss changes appearance, shows up acting humble, explains away TV crew, meets three hard working employees, fails miserably at menial repetitive tasks, etc. The CEO of White Castle, for example, could not manage to get the buns into the NASCAR-speed conveyor belt and sent the mini-buns into a waste bin. This leads to great laughs when he addresses his home office employees and shows the video of him failing.

7-11 CEO Shocked About Wasted Food

Often there is an issue he discovers, such as a bad customer service employee. In the epilogue, we learn that she is “no longer with the company.” The good hard working employees are summoned to head office. They worry in the limo about the reason for their surprising audience with the bigwigs. Of course, when they arrive, they are greeted by the man (so far, always a man) they thought was a new worker. He grants them favors, such as scholarships, gift cards, management training (the best was the two Hooters girls who had no idea that other women might not be down with the image… or the pantyhose under shorts which is really lame), and then a hugfest.

What the show does reveal, although not celebrate, is the mind-numbing lot of factory workers. Huge airport hanger sized factories with conveyor belts flying as they must, as minimum wage workers, second by second, hour by hour, day after day, repeat the most soul-sucking tasks such as putting simulated cheese onto tiny patties of beef byproducts. The backdrop of this reminds me of such great depictions of capitalism as Modern Times or Metropolis.

Capitalism markets itself as a way for anyone to rise up from their circumstances and the show depicts the “bosses” as compassionate, enlightened executives wanting to “make the company better.”

The truth about capitalism is that a few individuals may rise up out of their class but of course this ignores the fact that it requires a huge underclass, always acting as sperm-and-egg created robots.

UPDATE: The season finale episode included commercials from Wal-Mart that seems as if this show was designed for. The commercial depicts a “Wal-Mart driver” (probably real) who claims that by adding more items to his load he’s saving “millions of dollars” and passing the savings on in lower prices …. Um, I thought heavier loads would use more gas. If he said “now we make fewer deliveries” I’d believe they sure do save gas. I don’t exactly see how, as the commercial claims, that they’re lowering prices ”to give you a better life”.  Let’s see the spreadsheets Wal-Mart. And let’s see the comedy if Wal-Mart is featured if this informercial is picked up next season.

Holy Water-Gate: The Search for the Pope’s “Deep Throat”

April 3, 2010 2 comments

What Did the Pope Know and When Did He Know It?

Note: This article is not humor but opinion.

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

Somewhere in the byzantine caverns and workings of the Vatican there surely must be one honest priest troubled by what he sees around him. Perhaps he is shredding documents, has recordings, or is an eyewitness to a monstrous coverup. Clearly the massive pedophilia cover-up is the biggest scandal to befall the Catholic Church in decades.

It is crucial for the whole truth to be told. And when it is, the Pope must resign and face the consequences. Surely this will shake the trust of Catholics around the world forever. The history of Papal hypocrisy is centuries old, from Pope Urban VI commissioning a painting of his mistress as the Blessed Virgin Mary to complicity with the Nazis before and during World War II. And now Joseph Ratzinger is at the head of a conspiracy to aid and abet child abuse around the world by silencing victims, refusing to discipline or defrock priests, let alone try them on criminal charges, and covering up and claiming immunity.

When the blinders come off, perhaps the Catholic Church will be exposed for what it is – a tax-dodging real estate empire preaching that by putting money into collection plates believers will be able to take up residence in an imaginary gated community called Heaven. For many living in agony and squalor, this promise is what guides them through their hellish earthly existence and makes the Church criminally rich beyond belief.

What will happen when they realize that perhaps everything they have been told is false? Perhaps when the scope of the collective and officially-supported preying upon children scandal is fully exposed, the Catholic Church will become accountable for all its crimes against humanity in the name of Jesus.
What the world needs is the Pope’s “deep throat” to meet a new Woodward and Bernstein in a Vatican parking garage and blow the lid off this monstrous horror. All it may take is one honest priest.

Categories: Social Issues
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