Expected to Bring Trademark Biting Political Satire
UPDATE: SETH MEYERS MADE IT AND ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED IT AT LAST NIGHT’S EVENT! SNOOKI PROMISES TO “SMUSH IT’ NEXT YEAR!
By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved
In a surprising turn of events, tomorrow night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner will be hosted by Snooki Polizzi of the hard-hitting documentary series Jersey Shore.Last year, the scheduled host Jay Leno announced he would be unable to attend as he was in negotiations with TBS to replace Conan O’Brien after replacing O’Brien on The Tonight Show. The diminutive best-selling author was then bumped when Leno decided he would host after all.
This year, scheduled host Seth Meyers became unexpectedly “unable to attend” after learning he would have to follow President Obama. Citing “not enough time” prepare, experts noted that Weekend Update, where SNL writers have a week to come up with a few jokes that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report do every night, was “just way too impossible at this late date. I mean, we only had a year! Look at Spiderman; they’re not ready and he has superpowers.”
Polizzi, who noted that “my name even sounds sorta like ‘poltics’ right?” was eager to jump in at the last minute when “dude told me it’s open bar.”
The poof-coiffed Guidette is expected to bring her trademark biting political satire to bear and her targets will certainly include President Obama but the diminutive zinger slinger said she has “a lot of surprises planned and also plans on “doing a lot of physical stuff, like smooshing with the Prez” and certainly is not afraid to fight, as evidenced in several segments of her pithy, thought-provoking series. When asked if she plans to outdo the memorable and sizzling performance of Stephen Colbert she displayed her rapier wit. “I don’t know the guy but if his name is Stephen Cold Beer let’s go!”
She is also famously remembered for her remarks to Michelle Obama in a New Jersey nightclub “geez you is usin’ way too much spray tan,”
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By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved, especially you America
“When voting makes no difference and oligarchs in service of a foreign power continue to defraud and rob the country, I can no longer be part of it,” said Joe Bodolai, author of this sentence you are currently reading. His brief but incredibly powerful chick magnet-like address on the steps of the Santa Monica Public Library was done without teleprompters and not with notes written on his hand.” I seek not conflict, but to end it and I hereby declare my sovereign territory extending to the fullest and exaggerationist outer boundaries of my body in whatever location I happen to be in, even if part of me is in someone else.”
He immediately copyrighted himself and his life and maintained “The United States will be in violation of that copyright should they use my name or images without the express written consent of Major League Baseball or myself on any document, such as tax or census forms I can assure you they will be met with the full fury of a team of C-average or better law students.”
The entire nation of Joe Bodolai turned out for the country’s first Presidential election with Joe Bodolai winning 100% of the vote. He was inaugurated in a brief ceremony at a local Starbucks where he pledged to end his country’s 100% unemployment rate.
Just Some Weird and Confusing Things from Pop Culture That I’ve Heard
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
I don’t have any documentation that all this is true and I honestly did not make this up. I just added my thoughts about these amazingly oddly interesting things.
- A company is selling a home defibrillator that is guaranteed “for the life of the owner”. Okay, think about it for a moment. Who wins with this guarantee?
- A porn star, Jenna Jameson, and some Ultimate Fighter, Tito Ortiz are having marital problems. Aside from the interesting conjunction of these so insanely useless demographics and their effect on human evolution, think about this. He apparently hit her for real, cuz that’s what they do, and it looks like divorce, which means they won’t breed. She got hit for real and, ironically has spent her porn career faking it! Shouldn’t she have married a WWE wrestler? That’s all they do too.
- There is now a huge rotation of commercials for something called “Abilify”, which is supposed to be taken to supplement your regular anti-depressant. The one side effect I was hoping to hear about was that “Abilify” acts like like anti-matter when it meets matter and boom! It cancels out the “depressant” effect of your sex drive and horns you up, but alas, it just blinds and kills you or something. So if your regular octane anti-depressant isn’t depressant enough this might be your ticket. Of course, “ask your doctor”. I agree, but not “if Abilify is right for you” but “hey, are those new Calloway golf clubs? (Email me if you don’t get it but I’m not going to unsubtlify this.)
- Any Holocaust survivors still alive out there? I heard “Cash4Gold” pays 0.2 per cent better than the Nazis. Just Fedex them your gold, or somebody else’s. How are local cops going to know? They’ll appraise it and who wouldn’t trust a late night TV ad spokesman to be honest? (They also claim “we have our own refineries.) Always a good sign to deal with a company that has their own refineries, isn’t it?
- I finally watched the Kim and Kourtney Kardashian show. Is that a typo? I’d swear it should be spelled “Lardashian”. I don’t even want to comment on the issue of body hair, but one of them was with Reggie Bush. Reggie, of course, is diminutive of “Regina” which means queen and rhymes with “vagina” then add “Bush”. You’re way ahead of me why I never want to see them naked. I think of Werner Herzog’s great movie “Fitzcarraldo” about hacking through the jungle. Yeah, I know, I have half my readers who know Kim and Kourtney (the “u” is high class, always after a “k”) and the other half old enough to know the movie and don’t know how to use a computer to even see this.
If you guys liked this for more later, let me know.
I love all your emails and I know why it’s easier to email me than to comment because of my page layout. I’ll try to put a comment or share button more visible. I’ve only done this for less than four months and I have so much stuff in the earlier posts that were unknown. If you like something, click on my archives. They’re not musty or Indiana Jonesish.
And watch my TV work and videos at youtube.com/qualityshows
America Asks: “Who Wrote It?”
By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved
Cheney Administration spokesman George W. Bush has a “real high school-sized” hard cover book which briefly appeared last November. The memoir, expected to be full of lies begins with the name of the author. The title Decision Points is based on the term “decision pints” used by the staff when they would bet on how many “pints” of beer that he would consume before he found out what his decision was told to him.
It is likely that Bush was involved in the book in some way, such as selecting photos, approving of the font used, etc. In order to give Bush the illusion that he is actually “writin’ a book”, Cheney had given him a large newsprint pad and some markers for him to attempt to write some anecdotes that were used as photo captions, which sources said is “pretty much all he reads when you give him a “college type” book. “Them college books are heavy! Bush described his as “even bigger that the one by Snooki and, uh, when it comes to, uh, mattering, size, uh, fool me once.”
One passage that experts said seems to be completely re-written “with school type words” is Bush’s description of his (sic) foreign policy:“Whenever we see something another country has that we want, or Israel tells us to get it for them, you gotta come out bombin’ then keep on kickin’ ‘em when they’re down, punch it in the red zone,then move in so they can’t get their stuff back. It’s win-win.”
Bush’s love of books is mainly evidenced by the fact that his wife Laura was a librarian, and was demonstrated in his comments on reading My Pet Goat to second graders in Florida as the World Trade Center was bombed: “I wish I could have finished reading it. We were getting to an exciting part when the goat left the pen. I still don’t know what happened to him! But he probably was gonna get eaten somewhere they eat goat, like maybe Boston. Y’see what I’m sayin’? There’s a time for politics and there’s a time for goat.”
It is also worth noting that Bush’s Secret Service detachment gave him exra time to read since it is normal procedure for the Secret Service to immediately whisk the “President” away to safety immediately when there is an attack. Some claim this implied foreknowledge of the attacks. Okay, I do. The only reason he wasn’t taken to a “secure, secret undisclosed location” like Warren Buffet’s rec room could be that they knew he had nothing to worry about. Too bad they didn’t read Silver Blaze, a Sherlock Holmes novel in which Holmes solves the case by knowing the only reason the guard dogs didn’t bark was because they knew the perpetrators.
Finally, for those who don’t recall, here is George W. Bush’s “farewell address”, truthified by me.
by Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
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Hungarian Velcro Crop, More Than a Fastener, Knits the Social Fabric
Mysterious Lint Storms Threaten Lush Bounty of Rich Velcro Fields
By Joe Bodolai & Steve Radlauer (c) 1982, All rights reserved
NOTE: This article originally appeared in the celebrated parody OFF THE WALL STREET JOURNAL in collaboration with the brilliant Steve Radlauer and was featured in a NEWSWEEK cover story.
Miskolc, Hungary – It is windy here but, mysteriously, Zoltan Dudai’s field hat does not blow off his head. With a twinkle in his eye, the wiry Magyar, 52,tears off his hat, producing the unmistakeable ripping sound made by only one product on earth. Proudly, he shows his foreign visitor the secret – a velcro hat liner and its mate, a black “female” velcro band around his head.
“We are a velcro people,” he boasts. “The blood that my ancestors spilled on this ground now gives life to our crop, and our crop keeps our garments securely fastened!”
To Zoltan Dudai, velcro is more than a convenient, modern fastener – it is a way of life. Mr. Dudai is the overseer of the Miskolci Velkrogyar, the largest velcro farm in the world. From the Miskolc area comes 56% of the world’s grade A velcro crop. After harvesting, the adhesive vegetable is dried and processed at the nearby state-run factory, then exported to the four corners of the earth for use as the bristly, multipurpose closure material so popular on ski jackets, shoes, slipcovers, and wallets. “Hungarian velcro and Hungarian women are the world’s finest,” Mr. Dudai says. “We love our velcro. It gives us life.” That Mr. Dudai and his people love velcro is no understatement. “Velkro” is in fact the Hungarian word for sex. He explains: “Velcro is exactly like love, is it not? Lovers come together in silent union, stick, then separate noisily.”
Gazing adoringly at his 52,000 hectares of gently rolling hills covered with the plant that often reminds foreigners of giant bonsai trees covered with wooly black Spanish moss, Mr. Dudai’s reverie is interrupted by a shower of white flakes that descend from the sky and lands on his head and shoulders. He runs his calloused hands through a thick mane of hair. “Is no snow, is no dandruff,” he laughs nervously, “it’s csouris – lint. This is lint to choke a family.”
Lint, the natural enemy of velcro, destroys the plant’s unique adhesive qualities. “The female velcro plant, she is weak, like a woman,” says Mr. Dudai with tears in his eyes. “She cannot resist the white lint, After she forms a union with this lint, she is sterile, barren, not sticky – she refuse to mate with the male velcro, and he in his loyalty cannot mate with anything else.” Lint, raining from the sky in quantities not seen the invasion of 1956, will likely cause this year’s crop to fall short of last year’s record 15.8 billion spines, enough raw velcro to affix Japan to Michigan 13 times over.
No one is sure where the lint comes from, although researchers at the nearby N. Kruschev Agricultural and Mining Institute speculate that it is a result of increased use of aerosol products in the West. (This is disputed by Professors Sanjeev Mukhari and Radi Gupta of the Massachusetts Institute of Adhesiology, who claim that the Hungarian lint situation is caused by the improper cleaning of laundromat exhaust stacks in nearby Czechoslovakia.) Whereever the lint may come from, one thing is certain: There are going to be a lot of “unattached” male velcro plants this season.
If there is a shortage, it will likely mean higher prices on the international spot market, a situation welcomed by many Communist planners. But there are those who disagree. Dudai’s son Geza, 19, whose penchant for numbers has earned him the nickname “Mathematics”, is one of them. “These big party officials with their cars and zippers know nothing of our velcro,” fumes Mathematics. “If velcro price goes up only 17%, Americans will have much incentive to make their velcro perfect. We will have to increase our overall efficiency by over 34% or we will all die!”
“We’re still years behind the Hungarians, even with the lint problem,” says Mal Fowler, spokesman for the American Velcromen’s Association. “Our velcro is every bit as cohesive as theirs, but we still don’t get that nice crisp ‘rip’ they get.” Mr. Fowler refused to comment on the other well-known objection to the domestic strain – the way it releases the noxious smell of rotten eggs during each uncoupling.
“American velcro (88% of which is grown in New Jersey) makes a loud, distinctly flatulent sound,” says Whitney Schooner, fastener industry analyst with Lehman Brothers Kuhn Loeb. “But that’s not the worst part; it’s the odor that really clinches it. Nobody wants to be accused of ‘letting off a big one’ every time he takes off his sneakers.”
Back in Miskolc, the Dudai family prepares for the spring fertility festival despite the ominous clouds of lint approaching from the direction of Czechoslovakia.
Mathematics’ sister Csandi, 15, named Velcro Princess at last fall’s harvest festival, enthuses over the hardy perennial as she dons her ceremonial patushki, festooned with and fastened by the local staple. “I never fear bad fit from clothes,” she smiles. “Velcro is adjustable and makes my patushki feel so good on my skin! Mmmm. Not a button is to be seen in this part of my fatherland. I am many happy.”
Two Hail Marys “Oughta Cover It” Says Holy Joey Ratz.
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Proclaiming himself “super holy”, Joe Ratzinger (aka “the Pope”) emerged from a Vatican confessional today and claims he has “forgiven” himself for what he referred to as “so-called sins” and also forgave all priests and other church officials accused of child molestation. “Some people might see this as damage control,” said the former Nazi Youth, “but first there has to be damage. Anyway, I gave myself and the guys a round two Hail Marys, and you know if I bring Mary into this, and she is a virgin, that’s proof of no diddling boys. This whole mess is due to the clever homosexual children because the little lambs got flocked by the Shepherd which proves they were not victims,” he “explained.” The official Vatican press release, published in High Pig Latin, entitled Uckfay Uyay, continued: “E pluribus unum, as a bonus, I threw in forgiving the Beatles and, veni vidi vici I’m offering 50% off for all school groups to visit the Shroud of Turin for Christ’s sake. We’re also selling Abbey Road in the Vatican gift shop now. This is what makes the Catholic Church so effin’ great. Remember, omnes gallia est divisa en tres partes. When questioned about his infallibility at a special Palm Sunday brunch at the Palm Restaurant at Vatican Citywalk , the Pope blamed his streak of incorrectly picking the last 45 Super Bowl winners on “Satan’s voice in the huddle for some really shoddy play calling. Dominus frickin’ vobiscum! Oh, and to answer your question, no, I do not consider my outfits ‘super gay.”
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