News From Next Week

by Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

• Alien Made Entirely of Collagen Discovered in Beverly Hills

Alien Made Entirely of Collagen

• Rumors Swirl that Tom Cruise is Straight
• Can’t Multitask? Movie Lovers Watch Other Movies on iPads While At the Movies
• Goldman Sachs Throws Themselves on Mercy of the Court, along with $100 Million Bribe
• Prestigious National Whore Institute Names Ke$ha “Pop Whore Role Model of the Year”
• Related: Tens of Ke$ha Fans Rally to Protest “Having to Hit the Fuckin’ $hift Key!”