Archive for July, 2010

From the Archives: Classic Novels Now on Twitter

July 14, 2010 5 comments

Note: This is a post I did last winter as I am still in my
secret undisclosed location. I’ll write something new when Mr.
Cheney gets off the computer and finishes watching his 9-11 videos
and researching “butt cancer”. WHY SLOG THROUGH LITERATURE WHEN YOU
CAN BANG THROUGH “TWITTERATURE”? Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved Chairman of the Board Jeffrey Bezos announced that the
popular online retailer would now make available what he termed
“the ground breaking novels of literature, the classics that
everyone should read but really don’t have that kind of time for.
That’s why we’re making these world-famous novels available in new
140 character easy to read versions, and what’s easier to read than
Twitter?“ Pointing out that reading a novel like War and Peace
could often take months to slog through for people who actually
read, the new ”Classic Twitterature “ could be devoured as easily
as texting. ”This is the way people read today,“ he said,” and we
have to adapt. Imagine reading “Moby Dick” in half the time it
takes to drain out a brew in the restroom.“ Bezos also said that
Amazon would offer the classics to schools at a discount for each
teacher or student who also purchased a Kindle adding ”we are also
exploring sending the books directly to cell phones with a 3G push
service.” Parents who have been concerned about what their kids are
looking at on their phones can now rest assured that they will now
have access to great books without getting their fingers covered in
ink.“ Although the PowerPoint presentation was delayed nearly an
hour when Windows 7 crashed, once the audience (made up mainly of
literature professors from America’s most prestigious party
schools) saw free samples of the novels sent to their cellphones,
one reporter described their reaction as ”fuckin’ epic dude.“ The
preview alone, said Bezos, would ”give students a Harvardish
education at a Wal-Martly price.” Some of the offerings: The Grapes
of Dude, wtf sup w this dust? Can’t grow shit,
bank’s on my ass. I’m so outta here! Moby Aaar
mateys! Harpooning now and using my big one… ttyl Crime and I swear to god I’m going to kill someone. I
mean it dude. I got mad skillz fo’ sho. Can’t bust me yo. 😉 Maybe
I’ll kill myself. Finnegans Dude, where the hell
are you? Finnegan wake up. Hit me back. Pride & This guy is being such a
jerk! … He’s hot though! … omg he just asked me out! gtg!

Categories: Comedy and Satire
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