Archive for October, 2010

May You Be Blessed, My Lovely Nigerian Email Scammers!

October 31, 2010 12 comments

I Have Received My Application to Rent Their Too Good To Be True Beachfront Apartment!


By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved.

The Living Room of The Wonderful $600 Apartment

For those of you who read through yesterday’s posting, you will be pleased to know that my new Nigerian friends have allowed me to apply to rent their apartment. For those of you who didn’t, here are photos they sent me of their wonderful apartment at 2101 Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, California 90405 (sic). For those of you who haven’t done the required reading, there’s no quiz, just these photos of the apartment that “Emily Williams” so kindly sent me. I can’t help but notice how tidy the bedroom is. The insistence on cleanliness by these wonderful people gives me the comfort of knowing the bedroom has been as meticulously maintained as any bedroom to be found during a hotel website photo shoot.

The Bedroom with All the Comforts of a... Hotel?

Here is  the application that “Emily” so kindly sent me, obviously moved by my request to rent. (See yesterday’s post below.) I am not so selfish as to deprive my readers of the opportunity to rent this apartment, nor would I deprive you of the opportunity to speak directly to Ms. Williams’ husband, on a mission from God in Nigeria. The phone numbers are in the body of the email so please feel free to phone, as I will later today.

Hello Joe,

Good hearing from you that you are promising us that our apartment will be well taken care off,and I really appreciate your expression.So,Like I told you there’s none of my friends or relatives to show you the apartment.I want you to stick to your words.Is that okay with you?And the below is the final question that you must answer to qualify for the rent.

Hope you have a nice working day,in fact I will like to meet you when coming to visit you soonest,You will not be able to see inside of the

A Bathroom So Institutional Yet Somehow Personal


apartment..We do a long term and short term renting anytime you which to leave the place will be grateful and we are ready to rent a short or long-term.

Note that you will not be allowed to enter the apartment,because the keys/document is here with me in London,United  Kingdom.


*******RENT APPLICATION*******
(Private & Confidential)
Also,Pls let me get this answer.

Looking forward to hear from you with all this details for approval so that i can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt in your name and contacting you.Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how to get the documents and the keys to you,Please we are giving you all this transaction is based on Trust & Honesty and again I want you to stick to your words,We are putting everything into Gods hand,so please do not let us down in this property of ours and God bless you more as you do this.

N:B :  We are doing doing this because of God as a good Christian,  If you can pay two months, you will get one month free , I had an accident which affected my hearing and my legs , I am currently on a wheel chair right now, I do not use a phone that’s why I am always online,you can call him on +2348137268155 or 0112348137268155,if you are interested, you can fill out the rent application below and get back to me as soon as possible.

Thanks so much and have a nice day.
Love in Christ and Kindness Regards
Emily Williams

Dear Emily,

I likewise appreciate your expression! It is with giddy private schoolgirl passing gas from passing O Levels delight I receive your application. Relent not, I always “stick to my words” more than a conjoined twin sticks to her sister.

My gratitude for you giving me this based on Trust and Honesty has allowed me to receive approval from my Conservator, the known Mr. Larry Sanjiv Deepthresh, to more than double my deposit to your account to the melody of $ 6,387,000 (again, of course, less chauffeur fees and internet café costs, including necessary  beverages) once I receive your bank account information, including all passwords, access authorization, and scanning of your signatures, which of course will delight my Belgian calligraphy team with its  brutish grace and Anjou Kingly beauty.

I too, put everything into “God’s hand”, but I ask him to use both, or more as he likely has more. I too, am doing this “because of God as a Good Christian”. After all, in the words of my rabbi, “who can trust to be more of a Good Christian than Christ Himself?” While I am not Christ, though some may say my heart is coated with him, his divine gluten courses through the course of my veins.

1) Your Full Name: I am Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor (Benefactor is not a title, but my full name.)

Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor

2) Present Full Address (where you reside now) & Phone Number to Reach You: 85.98a Avenida Kim Il-Jong, Carmel, California (819) KL5-3369 x3333

3) Age: 71 years 8 months, 6 days, three hours and presently 26 minutes and 11 seconds as of this writing. This will be out of date as you kindly read this.

4) Are you married? I am currently entrothed to the Countess Klylencia of DeBarge, an elegant virtuous virgin of elegant virtuosity and de rigeur physical chaleur.

5) Sex? Frequent, often with partners.

6) How many people will be living in the house? One cannot foretell the future. A “trick question!” Your cleverness removes evil intent as a plumber’s snake burrows through compacted tissue and the aquiferous and hearty odiferous consequences of reluctant waste!

7) Do you have a pet? I keep a blue-ribbon herd of rare Tyrolian wallaby as anyone in my situation would for security. They are rescued former Latvian customs drug-sniffing animals with nails removed to save flooring and furniture.

8) Do you have a car? I currently own fleets of Bentleys, Maseratis, and my well-known collection of vintage East German Trabants, all of which I am divesting by bequeathment to lepers, bulimics, and victims of RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome).

9) What is your religion? Orthodox Tyrolian Jainist, Sindhu Sect (the ones with the parking spaces at the temple)

10) Occupation? Philanthropist and Professional Classical Concert Chinese Cowbellist in the Walken Style

11) Citizen of which Country? North Korea (for tax purposes).

12) When are you ready to Move In? My humble bags are in the vintage London taxi parked currently outside 2101 Ocean Avenue, Santa Monica and can have my staff of Inuit lesbian movers engage lickety-split.

13) When are u planning to leave the apartment? Upon completion of all necessary interments and drying of concrete and paint plus, of course, odor removal.

14) How many months can you afford as upfront deposit? 36-42

15) How soon can you send the deposit? As soon as you can receive it by sending my financial curatorial staff your confidential banking information.

Again, my thanks in Your Christ, dear Emily. Please reply forthwith regarding how I may divest myself of funds to commence my new life of ascetic splendor and vulgarity.

Sincerest of sincerity,

Your pal, Tyrolian C.

Nigeria, Your Stereotype is Emailing You! And So Am I

October 30, 2010 4 comments

I’m Helping a Poor Nigerian Emailer. Can You?

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

I replied to a posting on craigslist for a fully furnished 1 Bedroom apartment on the Beach in Santa Monica for $600 a month. Sounds too good to be true? Think again, my friend. Here is my exchange with the owner of this remarkable apartment. I think you will agree, it is a once in a lifetime deal. First, his moving email to me.

On Oct 26, 2010, at 12:14 AM, Matthew Williams wrote:

Thanks for your email and it is glad to Read from you.I am Matthew Williams,the owner of the apartment you are making inquiry of 2101 Ocean

Apartment May Not Be Exactly as Illustrated, Or Exist

Ave Santa Monica, CA 90405 .Actually I resided in the apartment with my Wife before and presently we had Moved out due to my transfer from my working place and now situated in West Africa,Nigeria and presently my apartment is still available for rent for $600 per month including the utilities like Hydro included,Hardwood Floor , Air Conditioning , Utilities included , Dishwasher,Fridge , Stove , Assigned /Secured parking , microwave , Washer , Dryer , Cable /Satellite , Internet connectivity , Storage locker,Fireplace,security is fully furnished,More so Now, i went for a Job transfer and i will like you to get in touch with my wife in London,United Kingdom because she has an accident two months ago,she’s using a wheel chair,it also affect her ear drum but we thank God for still keeping her alive for more discussion and Pictures as She is with the keys and the document to the apartment.Please i want you to note that I am a kind and honest man and also I spent a lot on my property that i want to give to you for rent,so i will solicit for your absolute maintained of this apartment and want you to treat it as your own,is that taken ? it is not the money that is the main problem but i want you to keep it tidy all the time so that i will be glad to see it neat when i come for check up which i do once in a while and give 1 month notice

Special Notice : Pls note that there’s none of us to show you the apartment,as we would have to send you the keys through DHL COURIER SERVICE ON A NEXT DELIVERY TO YOUR HOME and move in asap.. A refundable deposit is require ( 1st month and security deposit which is $500 is refundable when you are ready to move out of our apartment and if you pay two months you will get a month free ).if you are OK with this pls Email my wife Mary on ( ) and she will attends to you better.

Thanks and God Bless You

Now my reply to him:

Dear Matthew:

Thank you for your email. It is also glad to Read from you. You sound like a very professionalish and honourablist man and I am sorry to hear of your misfortuning. I am send it also your wife Mary at and dear Mary, I hope you are reading this electronic missive in the good faith and sympathy in which I send it, full of good faith and sympathy.


Students at Nigeria’s Prestigious Email Academy

I am happy that the said apartment is still openly and wondrously available and fully furnished in full. The picture looks very very appealingly nice and I’m sure justice does not do justice to the location. I feel that as an Honest Man such as your being, I must tell you that the rent you ask is very subnumeral if not low. It is looking from below at the market asking rates. I could not exist on this earth with my good conscience of avoiding hell pay so little. The money of money of earth is not the issue of concerning for me, as I am blessed with more lucre than legions of ascetics can ever use. As I now have found a new belief religion (not to push upon you in the throat of course) I have abandonated all my possessions of earth’s valuable value.  I have now donated my Luxurious Bentley and my Sporty Maserati automobile collections to a wonderful leprosy recovery facility to help the unfortunates who are also addicted to drugs and alcohol, particularly skin ointments. I am sure they will find much spiritual pleasure from driving them in their newly sober and fully-limbed states. I have decided to spend my days in joy and bliss traveling the world from what I hope will be my new home at 2101 Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, CA 90405. As it is furnished, and you own with writing paper of title the furniture, I am able to observed my special holy religion and own no worldly goods of the world. In my poverty thence I be rich thusly in this manner.

My true faith requires me to be of help and assistance in assisting those in need by helping, such as your unfortunate and long loving wife. I am colleague with one of the top hat ear drum reconstruction surgeons north of the 65th parallel, Mr. Dubuk Topogflogani. I will be glad to pay to provide his services to repair your wife’s precious ear drum and any other sensitive tissue connected to cartilage or mucus membranes free of charge to you, your wife, to you, or to yourself.  As you are painfully aware, world class ear drum reconstruction surgery is painful, and air traveling by air is difficultish at best, he must come to her bedside at my expense, which I ignore freely.

Will you require any recuperativation? Perhaps I shall assist you and your family by way of thanks and gratitude or appreciating by in staying at my

Budapest-Trained Topiarist On Site, Free for You!

holiday residence in the land of the island Hawaii in the blue Pacific Ocean? I am soon to give it to a colony of unfortunate lepers recovering from drug addiction to their painkillers and topical ointments, but you may be able to use my tropical 53-room hideaway for her to get well also. There is a full-time meat and game chef, Budapest-trained topiarist,  Danish Eurythmy instructor and, of course, skin graft team on call. Tipping is not required as they have sought refugee status.

To many, I sound generous. For me, however, this is a need I have to remove myself from all the earthly possessions as my religion instructs, including my 23 unused 16g iPads with three year AppleCare. While most of my funds and valuable gold reserves will be uber-tithed to my church, what little I have left is to be designated to those I encounter who display extraordinary generosity and kindness, generousness, such as you have in your posting and offer to me of your vainglorious apartment. It is a penultimate thrill second only the spiritual death in penury I seek, cleansed of the sin of res materia.

Please send me your bank account number and passwords by return email and as good faith I will deposit the sum of $ 3,122,000 (approximated amount less chauffeur fees and internet cafe time) immediately in order for us to begin our healing journeys on our road of travel. Once I receive authorization to access your accounts, and the funds are successfully deposited by me, you will become beneficiary in my life insurance policy. I have but three months to live and I need a beneficiary at once to complete the process of obtaining a beneficiary as a beneficiary is required for the policy to be payable in full to the beneficiary.

I await your reply to my missive of infinite compassion and my astounding humility which humiliates me.

In spirit of the All Obsequious,

Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor



On Oct 30, 2010, at 4:51 PM, Emily Williams wrote:

Thanks for your email, My husband own the apartment.I want you to know that it was due to my husband’s transfer that made us to leave the apartment and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take good care of the apartment, we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean all the time .So for now,I am in London in the United Kingdom in our new home and also I am with the keys and documents of the apartment,we tried to look for an agent that we can give this documents before we left but could not see and we don’t want the apartment to be used any how in our absence that is why we took the keys and documents  along with us here and as you know that,my husband over in the West Africa for a mission of God,so i hope you will promise us to take very good care of the apartment.So get back to me on how you could take care of our apartment or perhaps experience you have in renting a home.Hope you are okay with the price per month with hydro,heat laundry facilities,air condition, internet connection and so on.View pictures in the attached files.I am looking forward to hearing from you ASAP so that i can forward you an application to fill out and discuss on how to get the apartment for rent.

Hope to read from you soon


Emily Williams

So, I replied….

My Dearest Emily,

It is an oracle that your husband is in West Africa for a mission of God! May I walk with him someday on that divine veldt where angels graze and lope lopingly as gazelles, even if they indeed be gazelles or even lower orders!

You inquire how I would take care of your apartment. I humbly submit the following perusalable proposal for you to peruse:

I would partake of  taking the prime care of your beautiful apartment as I would a feathery wipe of a newborn’s behind.  My trained cleaning staff, 19 lovely people, several married cousins, some from the war-ravaged parts of the world such as Australia and even Fort Wayne, Indiana, have been cultivated in my family for generations and have been trained in the celebrated Sarajevo Method, of which the world was so justifiably proud in that Orwellian Year of 1984 as they burnished the Olympic rings to a phosphorus glow of a million roentgens. Rest assured, not so much as a speck of saliva or other bodily fluids will go unswabbed, including the difficult ceiling areas which nestle your attractive expensive lighting fixtures, Danish I am sure 😉 As you are a woman of refined and spackles sensiblity and flushing senses, no doubt you appreciate the old adage concerning the lusty tidying skills of autistic housekeepers: “he who speaketh in swallowed tongue licks not the surface below.” I trust that old chestnut will give you a mental picture image of your kitchen’s floor surface in which you will as sure as yeast turns to alcohol when fed sugar regard your own visage in your beautifully appointed ceramic tile surface on its gleaming surface and face as if the gleam were your very own, yet somehow Photoshopped by St. Trinian himself! Angst not for your fixture health!

I await instructions for you to receive your funds from me as I await the morning chirp of the brooding female guinea fowl as she harkens the arrival of the gamekeeper with the harvest of morning alewife from the estuary.

In sincerest sincerity and avowedness,

Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor


They Replied Yet Again. For More Hilarity on that: Nigerian Email Scammers Get Scammed

Get Your Aflac On: The Ducks’ Stats are Sick

October 23, 2010 1 comment

Oregon’s Defense Unsung Heroes of High Velocity Offense

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Gratuitous Photo Added Here

This has not been one of those college football seasons where there are one or two teams so clearly above the rest that they will be memorable. Alabama, Florida, Texas, Ohio State, USC, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and the usual powerhouses have not all been even very good, but really, are they water cooler cool? I mean, is there one team that you just have to talk about Monday morning at the rehab checkin? Other than fantasy favorites Brazil’s national women’s beach volleyball team.

"Sir, that end zone is closed tonight."

Oh, but there’s Oregon. The Ducks are averaging 55 points a game, 560 total yards, first in points per game, but — get this — 108th in time of possession! Okay, we know they score faster than John Mayer at a Grammys afterparty, but how about the defense? The Oregon defense’s play may be the unrecognized college football story of the season so far. Consider this: when UCLA scored on the Ducks in the final two minutes of Thursday’s 60-13 win, those were the first points they have allowed in the fourth quarter all season! Conventional wisdom, the kind of wisdom that says “we need to wear out their defense by using up the clock”, doesn’t seem to apply. These guys are on the field about 40% more than their offense. Aren’t they the ones that are supposed to be winded, “gassed”, hands on hips, “needing a blow” — oh wait, that’s Lindsay Lohan. If they are, why don’t opponents score on them later in the game, when it’s long already out of reach? Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? This kind of a stat is about as out of place as a Shiite at a Bar Mitzvah.

The Ducks run a two-minute drill the whole game. Their defense has to practice against them! No wonder the Ducks’ defensive players watching their opponents in a huddle look more impatient than a lawyer on a cell phone in line at Starbucks. They play with the “velocity” (Jim Tressel’s word) of a video game.

We’ll know a lot more about the Ducks when they face USC, who, as usual, somehow seems to get an extra week to prepare for their big games. For bowl-deprived USC, this will be their big chance of the season to show the nation yadda yadda yadda woot woot woo… and whatever other arrogant crap they can come up with now.

Where's Boise's "Latke Legion"?

With Oklahoma,Nebraska, LSU, Texas all losing , too bad Boise State didn’t play. They sure could use the whining opportunity. I guess they’re resting up to battle powerhouse Louisiana Tech on Tuesday. They will probably benefit from the extra practice time, as they did with  the whole year they had to prep for Virginia Tech.

Before you start screaming again, Boiseisians (or whatever you are called), I do want you to win. I just wish I knew who the hell you are. Last week, I complained about not knowing about your traditions. This week, may I suggest some? How about coming out in a formation called “The Potato Gun?” or maybe the Jewish Student’s (sic) Union could initiate a “latke out” like Penn State’s “white out”?  Unsold Cookbook of the Week: “Jewish Tailgating Favorites.”

A week when Michigan and USC don’t play is a week I am deprived of enjoying them losing, and losing

26 Consecutive Losses Make Victory Sweet

in some ignominious humiliating fashion. I really hope that happens to the Trojans next week when the Ducks travel to Southern California, but I’m sure you can guess that. In the meantime, I can savor Ohio State’s 49-0 rout, Alabama’s 41-10 win, Michigan State’s comeback against Northwestern, and Wisconsin holding on to beat Iowa 31-30 in the most exciting game of the week, all great showings by great teams. If I had to pick one very happy team and their long-suffering fans, however, it would have to be Western Kentucky, who snapped the nation’s longest losing streak at 26.

Send your congratulations to coach Willie Taggart and the Hilltoppers, who trounced Louisiana-Lafayette 54-21. Willie’s email address:

Tell him Joe sent ya… Every now and then, that’s what college football is all about.

A la recherche du Big Games perdu. Or Sometimes “Purdue”

October 17, 2010 14 comments

Great Losses Build Great Traditions. Are You Listening Boise State?

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

I wasn’t planning on writing about college football today, but then I didn’t plan on my current haircut turning out like this either. Uncertainty over the plot surprises Saturday’s journey through the schedule brings and how it’s going to end is what I really love about college football more than any other sport. Ohio State’s loss to Wisconsin is a bad haircut they’re going to have to wear this fall, just as they had to endure the unexpected buzz cut at the hands of Purdue last season. Just as Alabama must after their mullet of a loss to South Carolina. I mean, it’s not ghastly or shocking like the pink mohawk the Michigan Wolverines had to wear to the church of St. J. Crew in Ann Arbor on that Sunday after losing to Appalachian State. They now have to wear the geeky no-bowl cut they’ve been sporting thanks to stylist Mr. RichRod of NastyKuts.

Fans of college football teams with great rich traditions are used to enduring the pain of great losses, especially to great rivals,

Now that's a rivalry!

in the great story arcs that cover decades and are passed on through generations. Like Ohio State, Michigan, and every other Big Ten team, or Alabama and every other SEC team, or Oregon (my number one team right now) vs. Oregon State in their “civil war”, these annual matchups are often full of storylines that include redemption and revenge and “bragging rights”, which is often a euphemism for insightful analyses, usually slurred screams using the word “suck.”


Great losses make great victories possible even during the regular season. Even when there is no “mythical national championship” on the line, or even if the two teams are not “ranked” in the “Top Ten”, the Ohio State – Michigan game is almost always the biggest of the year. Just ask Buckeye fans about the crushing loss in 1997, or Wolverine fans about their sixth consecutive loss in the rivalry last year. The SEC may be full of Hatfields and McCoys, but OSU-Michigan is all Sunni-Shiite.

So this is why I cannot care about Boise State. First of all, they play on blue turf! Yes, I’m a traditionalist. I think football should be played on real green grass. I still hate artificial turf but at least it’s supposed to be green. So I’m a traditionalist also in thinking corn should come from seeds, not from Monsanto, which, coincidentally, created Astroturf.

As they are one of a dwindling number of undefeated teams, college football fans really should care about Boise State. We really really should. And we should floss three times a day. So let’s try. What exactly are Boise State’s long and storied traditions? Here is their entire list as found on their totally not official website

Boise State University Traditions

“Few trademarks are as recognizable or as proudly demonstrated as the blue astro turf of Bronco Stadium. Every televised game and following highlight makes the stadium undeniably recognizable to every Bronco fan across the country.”

That’s all? That is the entire section! So the turf at Bronco Stadium is a “trademark”? Or do they mean the Blue “astro turf[1]” (sic) that is “recognizable to every Bronco fan across the country?” No, wait, “undeniably recognizable!” (“Excuse me, Mr. Potatohead. I deny that you recognize that turf!”) I’m sorry, but buckeyes and winged helmets are recognized by every college football fan across the country!  So there’s no “dotting the I” in Boise? No “potato bowl” trophy in a rivalry with, I guess, Idaho? Just blue turf?  And “Bronco fans” to me are probably more prevalent in Denver, home to the NFL Broncos, from whom the Boise State nickname, logo, and colors seem to undeniably derive, created no doubt in the halcyon shag carpet era. (Now known as the Mel Kiper Hair era.)

She Said Yes, Will BCS Computers?

Their football program does include one (1) Junior College championship in 1958, titles won in the two previous years by Texarkana Community College and Coffeyville CC. They have one (1) member of the College Football Hall of Fame, Randy Trautman, about whom the most current information listed is “photo coming soon.” Their program consists of one (1) incredible signature win – the cheerleader accepting the quarterback’s marriage proposal on live TV after they upset Oklahoma in the Doritos Tangy Nacho Bowl. Of course it was a great game, “The Little Giants” surprising everyone with a trick play is  always a great feel good story. And they are no doubt a very very good football team. Just how good, and how much it really matters though, we don’t know. And I really really am trying to care. Almost as much as I do about getting more public restrooms on the Promenade in Santa Monica. Almost. Right now that matters way more.

Jennifer, Lesbians Endure Heartbreaking Losses

Your team needs some “signature losses”. Losses that derail hopes. Losses that last a long time. Like Jennifer felt losing Brad. Then watching him score with Angelina. That stuff hurts, not to mention the envy losers feel, like lesbians watching somebody else hook up with their dreamgirl Angelina and then it having be a man! Must be almost as bad as USC fans watching Vince Young hold up the Coaches’ Trophy.

Boiseans, Boiseites, Boisereans, root like hell. I really do hope your team goes undefeated. I know that 48-0 win yesterday over…. let’s see… San Jose State  must have been another barnburner with just 41 style points coming in the first half. And yeah, you did beat Virginia Tech. But unless there’s a matchup between you and Division I.IX James Madison, who also beat Virginia Tech, we won’t really know much. Stay healthy, finish out your exhibition season, then, please go and lose in the National Championship game or the Rose Bowl or something that will actually mean something and hurt. Hell, win the damn game! The one thing you don’t have is a past, at least not one that matters a whole pile of potatoes to anybody. Losses build a history to make winning matter!

Like a new gang member, you have to get “jumped in”. It might hurt, but until then, you can’t wear the colors.

In the meantime, try to enjoy the Boise State fight song here, which literally does fight good taste to actually be called a song. It’s apparently played after every Broncos touchdown, of which there have been 2,935 scads in recent years, meaning that even after all this repetition the fact that no one who is not actually in the Boise State band can even hum it kinda sums up the whole lack of impact on the national football consciousness thing or something. Sorry, got distracted… Auburn-Arkansas highlights are on.

Boise State Fight Song

[1] Astroturf ® is a registered trademark of the Monsanto Corporation and, as people who run a university should know, is spelled as one word.

News From Next Week

October 16, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

  • Teen with Zune spotted in Rural Arkansas
  • “Escort Site Photo Verifier”, “Plasma Salesman” Top New Jobs for 2011
  • Rumor: New iPhone to Include Working Phone
Categories: Comedy and Satire

USC’s Big Win, Trojans Fail Again, Bucks Rule, Shoelace Trips On Self…

October 10, 2010 3 comments

Another Perfect Saturday of College Football

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved


Alabama's Ground Game -- Not Enough Yards for a Mangino Suit


USC’s big win stunned the nation, as the Illegal Fighting Roosters of South Carolina upset the mighty Toxic Sludge of Alabama 35-21. They held the previous unstoppable running back duo of last year’s Heisman winner Mark Ingram and the guy who some said was even better, Trent Richardson, to a combined 64 yards! Hell, that’s less yardage than Mark Mangino needs for a suit! Oh, and the hypage attached to their defense will now turn to excusiosity in Tuscaloosa, which I believe is the title of an old blues tune.

Oh, and I refer to them as “USC” as in University of South Carolina since it was founded in 1805, 75 years before the University of Southern California. The Trojans, however, recently won a legal battle to claim rights to the use of the letters “USC”, three crucial letters required to spell the word “suck”.

The Trojans may want to reconsider that legal decision now so that when someone says “did you hear that USC beat the number one team in the nation?” people will think it was they. (Don’t worry, we all know it’s not “them”.) Instead, they again provided my favorite TV Cutaway of the Weekend as Stanford’s game winning field goal went through the uprights. This left the USC bench looking as if they were watching the thugs from Operation Repo tow away their booster-bought Impalas.

My own schadenfreudish sensibility, however, would not mind the Trojans finishing say 9-3 and being “bowl eligible”, and grind their teeth at being “bowl ineligible”. While this punishes the current roster of innocent-until-proven-guilty players, it also does penalize the folks at Heritage Hall by forcing them to call their counterparts in Oregon and beg for some extra Rose Bowl tickets or take up Snoop Dogg on his offer for a free Samsung big screen to watch Boise State on New Year’s Day.

Speaking of Boise State, and only because we must, they continue to win and amp up their fine whining to screech level. Please, Sports Information Directors, keep going until you are at such a high pitch that only dogs can hear it. I won’t. I know it’s unfair and all, but Boise is just not a place I think of where they play big time college football. Tuscaloosa, Columbus, Ann Arbor, Austin, Eugene, etc. is where they play college football. Boise is where they watch college football. Please flame away Bronco fans, but remember, you play on blue turf!

I won’t mention Texas Christian University because it’s Sunday, a day of rest. They need it. They won by only 45 “style points”, which is pretty much what they will rack up the rest of the season.

While it is always a good day for Buckeye fans when Michigan loses, the luster of the glorious RichRod era is beginning to wear off. Once the


Buckeyes' Domination of Wolverines as One-Sided as U.S. Invasion of Grenada


greatest rivalry in college football, the last decade has been more one-sided than the “war” between the U.S. and Grenada, except without the sunburn and mangoes.

The Wolverines’ waterbug quarterback Denard “Shoelace” Robinson held himself to only something like 87 yards rushing. While this was way more than both of Alabama’s running backs, it was less than half his video-game-stats-in-real-life average. He also managed to throw three beautiful interceptions to launch himself into the rarified category of “former Heisman frontrunner” with Jake Locker.

Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez demonstrated that he certainly does know how to recruit talent for his spread offense. Unfortunately, he recruits for the Big East while the Wolverines play in the Big Ten. While his spread offense is indeed effective and exciting, his “spread defense” is best described as “I can’t believe it’s not butter”.

The real big league spread offense (as in demolish the point spread) is Oregon’s. The Ducks struggled, only racking up 43 points against Washington State. I think that’s the entire State of Washington, not just the Cougars, although these Cougars get rolled quicker than the Real Housewives of New Jersey on jello shots.

Nebraska is a sleeping giant and the “waspanic” Taylor Martinez looks like he may make people forget how to spell Ndamakong Suh, except for the fact Suh gave the Cornhuskers iPads with his website as their home page. Oh, and that he hurts people on Sundays and it’s legal.  Too bad he’s in the witness protection program known as the Detroit Lions. And speaking of “whatever happened to”, didn’t Texas used to be found on the rankings page without scrolling down? They’ve fallen like a baby down a well. Fortunately they landed on Georgia.


Nature's Beauty: Buckeye Leaves in Autumn


Finally, the autumn leaves are falling, the air is crisp, and the rat-tat-tat of a marching band winds its way onto the field at the Horseshoe, and the “I” is dotted on another perfect Saturday of college football… if any of those words actually had an “I” in it. Oh wait. It does. I loved it.




Shoelace a Heismaniac? Tide vs. Ducks? If Were a Sportswriter

October 3, 2010 1 comment

Which I’m not… but give me a call if you need one

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Alabama and Oregon are on a collision course. Like matter vs. antimatter. Or pasta vs. antipasto. The Tide bleached Florida’s offense and exposed their defense as Downy Soft. They emerged with a fresh scent as number one. The Ducks chased the Cardinal away from their nest with Scrooge McDuck stinginess when it mattered, which it hardly does when these Ducks rack up the points like the Donald does bankruptcies. I’ll probably save the really even cheesier references for when I get to the part about Wisconsin.
They’re my top two teams right now. Ohio State hangs in at number three, with a gutty Tressel ball win after Terrell Pryor’s injury. His Heisman campaign should be over and just focus on winning. Unlike the game against Eastern Michigan, where Tressel seemed to use schoolyard plays and no-huddles and crazy ass defensive schemes that all worked, this time he deployed classic Big Ten football — the quarterback just a loader for the torpedoes (okay, just one, Herron) and the pound it out ground game and time of possession drip drip drip…. oh, game’s over? No “style points” Martha. Nothing to see here.


"Sure, I'll take the Heisman. Reggie's not using it."


Say goodbye to Texas, who will be right in the thick of the “also receiving votes” section until next September. Didn’t Georgia used to be good enough to be ranked preseason number one a few years ago? Do they still play football? Hey, Big Ten “experts”, did you guys say Wisconsin was going to win the conference? Sure you didn’t mean Michigan State? You think Boise State and TCU will actually play anybody who could play for a good team? Oh, sorry, that’s a cheap shot. The fact that when they play on blue turf it makes your TV look like somebody playing Madden 2005 in their mom’s basement is not.

There is no reason for this to be a new paragraph since the last one was just random ranting sentences so, what the hell: Michigan is more fun to watch than Darryl Hannah’s death scene in Blade Runner — lots of fantastic orgasmic thrashing around before the batteries run out. (Oh, if you don’t remember, she played a “pleasure robot”, which is what Rich Rodriguez calls Denard Robinson.) Michigan’s offense will score faster than The Situation in a bar full of drunk Jersey cougars. Michigan’s defense has officially become an oxymoron, emphasis on “moron”, apparently meaning Greg Robinson, their defensive “coordinator”. Robinson’s strategy of keeping the defense on the field as little as possible would be a great idea if they remembered to use the scheme called “three and out” instead of “four play scoring drive.” That’s what I’d call anyway, since Robinson seems to confuse football with golf. In football, lower score loses. Indiana’s odometer cycled up something like 700 yards, which should hold them for another five years. After all, Indiana rolled up only like 300 on the Maginot Line known as Cornhole State, or whomever they played the week before.

Still, I’d give Shoelace the Heisman now. After all, they have an extra one since Reggie Bush had to return his. At least this year they could do a “first half Heisman” and keep Desmond Howard halfway happy before the Wolverines get X-menned out by a team that actually plays tackle football.  Everybody keeps saying this guy is too small and will get hurt. Didn’t they say that about some other guy that was “too small” and didn’t get hurt? I don’t know who, but I’m sure there was somebody. Maybe the little mute guy that’s either Penn or Teller?
My TV highlight of the week was the cutaway of the USC bench after Washington’s game-winning field goal to beat the Only College Football Team Named After a Condom 32-31. They looked like they were just told that the Song Girls were heading up to Jake Locker’s pad and they had to actually go to class.
That, my friends, is always a great way to end a great night of great college football.
Now I get to ignore the great spectacle of NFL football, the only sport that successfully combines the violence of soccer-off-the-field with the boredom of soccer-on-the-field.
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