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Shoelace a Heismaniac? Tide vs. Ducks? If Were a Sportswriter

Which I’m not… but give me a call if you need one

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Alabama and Oregon are on a collision course. Like matter vs. antimatter. Or pasta vs. antipasto. The Tide bleached Florida’s offense and exposed their defense as Downy Soft. They emerged with a fresh scent as number one. The Ducks chased the Cardinal away from their nest with Scrooge McDuck stinginess when it mattered, which it hardly does when these Ducks rack up the points like the Donald does bankruptcies. I’ll probably save the really even cheesier references for when I get to the part about Wisconsin.
They’re my top two teams right now. Ohio State hangs in at number three, with a gutty Tressel ball win after Terrell Pryor’s injury. His Heisman campaign should be over and just focus on winning. Unlike the game against Eastern Michigan, where Tressel seemed to use schoolyard plays and no-huddles and crazy ass defensive schemes that all worked, this time he deployed classic Big Ten football — the quarterback just a loader for the torpedoes (okay, just one, Herron) and the pound it out ground game and time of possession drip drip drip…. oh, game’s over? No “style points” Martha. Nothing to see here.


"Sure, I'll take the Heisman. Reggie's not using it."


Say goodbye to Texas, who will be right in the thick of the “also receiving votes” section until next September. Didn’t Georgia used to be good enough to be ranked preseason number one a few years ago? Do they still play football? Hey, Big Ten “experts”, did you guys say Wisconsin was going to win the conference? Sure you didn’t mean Michigan State? You think Boise State and TCU will actually play anybody who could play for a good team? Oh, sorry, that’s a cheap shot. The fact that when they play on blue turf it makes your TV look like somebody playing Madden 2005 in their mom’s basement is not.

There is no reason for this to be a new paragraph since the last one was just random ranting sentences so, what the hell: Michigan is more fun to watch than Darryl Hannah’s death scene in Blade Runner — lots of fantastic orgasmic thrashing around before the batteries run out. (Oh, if you don’t remember, she played a “pleasure robot”, which is what Rich Rodriguez calls Denard Robinson.) Michigan’s offense will score faster than The Situation in a bar full of drunk Jersey cougars. Michigan’s defense has officially become an oxymoron, emphasis on “moron”, apparently meaning Greg Robinson, their defensive “coordinator”. Robinson’s strategy of keeping the defense on the field as little as possible would be a great idea if they remembered to use the scheme called “three and out” instead of “four play scoring drive.” That’s what I’d call anyway, since Robinson seems to confuse football with golf. In football, lower score loses. Indiana’s odometer cycled up something like 700 yards, which should hold them for another five years. After all, Indiana rolled up only like 300 on the Maginot Line known as Cornhole State, or whomever they played the week before.

Still, I’d give Shoelace the Heisman now. After all, they have an extra one since Reggie Bush had to return his. At least this year they could do a “first half Heisman” and keep Desmond Howard halfway happy before the Wolverines get X-menned out by a team that actually plays tackle football.  Everybody keeps saying this guy is too small and will get hurt. Didn’t they say that about some other guy that was “too small” and didn’t get hurt? I don’t know who, but I’m sure there was somebody. Maybe the little mute guy that’s either Penn or Teller?
My TV highlight of the week was the cutaway of the USC bench after Washington’s game-winning field goal to beat the Only College Football Team Named After a Condom 32-31. They looked like they were just told that the Song Girls were heading up to Jake Locker’s pad and they had to actually go to class.
That, my friends, is always a great way to end a great night of great college football.
Now I get to ignore the great spectacle of NFL football, the only sport that successfully combines the violence of soccer-off-the-field with the boredom of soccer-on-the-field.
  1. Billy
    October 3, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Joe, I swear to you, if I was the editor of a sports section, or hell, the president of ESPN, I’d have you on the air tomorrow. Too bad I’m not. WTF

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