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Nigeria, Your Stereotype is Emailing You! And So Am I


I’m Helping a Poor Nigerian Emailer. Can You?

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

I replied to a posting on craigslist for a fully furnished 1 Bedroom apartment on the Beach in Santa Monica for $600 a month. Sounds too good to be true? Think again, my friend. Here is my exchange with the owner of this remarkable apartment. I think you will agree, it is a once in a lifetime deal. First, his moving email to me.

On Oct 26, 2010, at 12:14 AM, Matthew Williams wrote:

Thanks for your email and it is glad to Read from you.I am Matthew Williams,the owner of the apartment you are making inquiry of 2101 Ocean

Apartment May Not Be Exactly as Illustrated, Or Exist

Ave Santa Monica, CA 90405 .Actually I resided in the apartment with my Wife before and presently we had Moved out due to my transfer from my working place and now situated in West Africa,Nigeria and presently my apartment is still available for rent for $600 per month including the utilities like Hydro included,Hardwood Floor , Air Conditioning , Utilities included , Dishwasher,Fridge , Stove , Assigned /Secured parking , microwave , Washer , Dryer , Cable /Satellite , Internet connectivity , Storage locker,Fireplace,security is fully furnished,More so Now, i went for a Job transfer and i will like you to get in touch with my wife in London,United Kingdom because she has an accident two months ago,she’s using a wheel chair,it also affect her ear drum but we thank God for still keeping her alive for more discussion and Pictures as She is with the keys and the document to the apartment.Please i want you to note that I am a kind and honest man and also I spent a lot on my property that i want to give to you for rent,so i will solicit for your absolute maintained of this apartment and want you to treat it as your own,is that taken ? it is not the money that is the main problem but i want you to keep it tidy all the time so that i will be glad to see it neat when i come for check up which i do once in a while and give 1 month notice

Special Notice : Pls note that there’s none of us to show you the apartment,as we would have to send you the keys through DHL COURIER SERVICE ON A NEXT DELIVERY TO YOUR HOME and move in asap.. A refundable deposit is require ( 1st month and security deposit which is $500 is refundable when you are ready to move out of our apartment and if you pay two months you will get a month free ).if you are OK with this pls Email my wife Mary on ( marywillyz@gmail.com ) and she will attends to you better.

Thanks and God Bless You

Now my reply to him:

Dear Matthew:

Thank you for your email. It is also glad to Read from you. You sound like a very professionalish and honourablist man and I am sorry to hear of your misfortuning. I am send it also your wife Mary at marywillyz@gmail.com and dear Mary, I hope you are reading this electronic missive in the good faith and sympathy in which I send it, full of good faith and sympathy.

 

Students at Nigeria’s Prestigious Email Academy

I am happy that the said apartment is still openly and wondrously available and fully furnished in full. The picture looks very very appealingly nice and I’m sure justice does not do justice to the location. I feel that as an Honest Man such as your being, I must tell you that the rent you ask is very subnumeral if not low. It is looking from below at the market asking rates. I could not exist on this earth with my good conscience of avoiding hell pay so little. The money of money of earth is not the issue of concerning for me, as I am blessed with more lucre than legions of ascetics can ever use. As I now have found a new belief religion (not to push upon you in the throat of course) I have abandonated all my possessions of earth’s valuable value.  I have now donated my Luxurious Bentley and my Sporty Maserati automobile collections to a wonderful leprosy recovery facility to help the unfortunates who are also addicted to drugs and alcohol, particularly skin ointments. I am sure they will find much spiritual pleasure from driving them in their newly sober and fully-limbed states. I have decided to spend my days in joy and bliss traveling the world from what I hope will be my new home at 2101 Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, CA 90405. As it is furnished, and you own with writing paper of title the furniture, I am able to observed my special holy religion and own no worldly goods of the world. In my poverty thence I be rich thusly in this manner.

My true faith requires me to be of help and assistance in assisting those in need by helping, such as your unfortunate and long loving wife. I am colleague with one of the top hat ear drum reconstruction surgeons north of the 65th parallel, Mr. Dubuk Topogflogani. I will be glad to pay to provide his services to repair your wife’s precious ear drum and any other sensitive tissue connected to cartilage or mucus membranes free of charge to you, your wife, to you, or to yourself.  As you are painfully aware, world class ear drum reconstruction surgery is painful, and air traveling by air is difficultish at best, he must come to her bedside at my expense, which I ignore freely.

Will you require any recuperativation? Perhaps I shall assist you and your family by way of thanks and gratitude or appreciating by in staying at my

Budapest-Trained Topiarist On Site, Free for You!

holiday residence in the land of the island Hawaii in the blue Pacific Ocean? I am soon to give it to a colony of unfortunate lepers recovering from drug addiction to their painkillers and topical ointments, but you may be able to use my tropical 53-room hideaway for her to get well also. There is a full-time meat and game chef, Budapest-trained topiarist,  Danish Eurythmy instructor and, of course, skin graft team on call. Tipping is not required as they have sought refugee status.

To many, I sound generous. For me, however, this is a need I have to remove myself from all the earthly possessions as my religion instructs, including my 23 unused 16g iPads with three year AppleCare. While most of my funds and valuable gold reserves will be uber-tithed to my church, what little I have left is to be designated to those I encounter who display extraordinary generosity and kindness, generousness, such as you have in your posting and offer to me of your vainglorious apartment. It is a penultimate thrill second only the spiritual death in penury I seek, cleansed of the sin of res materia.

Please send me your bank account number and passwords by return email and as good faith I will deposit the sum of $ 3,122,000 (approximated amount less chauffeur fees and internet cafe time) immediately in order for us to begin our healing journeys on our road of travel. Once I receive authorization to access your accounts, and the funds are successfully deposited by me, you will become beneficiary in my life insurance policy. I have but three months to live and I need a beneficiary at once to complete the process of obtaining a beneficiary as a beneficiary is required for the policy to be payable in full to the beneficiary.

I await your reply to my missive of infinite compassion and my astounding humility which humiliates me.

In spirit of the All Obsequious,

Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor

POST YOUR EMAIL REPLIES TO MATTHEW AND MARY IN MY COMMENTS SECTION!

THIS JUST IN! NEW REPLY FROM “EMILY WILLIAMS” AND, OF COURSE, FROM ME:

On Oct 30, 2010, at 4:51 PM, Emily Williams wrote:

Thanks for your email, My husband own the apartment.I want you to know that it was due to my husband’s transfer that made us to leave the apartment and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take good care of the apartment, we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean all the time .So for now,I am in London in the United Kingdom in our new home and also I am with the keys and documents of the apartment,we tried to look for an agent that we can give this documents before we left but could not see and we don’t want the apartment to be used any how in our absence that is why we took the keys and documents  along with us here and as you know that,my husband over in the West Africa for a mission of God,so i hope you will promise us to take very good care of the apartment.So get back to me on how you could take care of our apartment or perhaps experience you have in renting a home.Hope you are okay with the price per month with hydro,heat laundry facilities,air condition, internet connection and so on.View pictures in the attached files.I am looking forward to hearing from you ASAP so that i can forward you an application to fill out and discuss on how to get the apartment for rent.

Hope to read from you soon

Regards

Emily Williams

So, I replied….

My Dearest Emily,

It is an oracle that your husband is in West Africa for a mission of God! May I walk with him someday on that divine veldt where angels graze and lope lopingly as gazelles, even if they indeed be gazelles or even lower orders!

You inquire how I would take care of your apartment. I humbly submit the following perusalable proposal for you to peruse:

I would partake of  taking the prime care of your beautiful apartment as I would a feathery wipe of a newborn’s behind.  My trained cleaning staff, 19 lovely people, several married cousins, some from the war-ravaged parts of the world such as Australia and even Fort Wayne, Indiana, have been cultivated in my family for generations and have been trained in the celebrated Sarajevo Method, of which the world was so justifiably proud in that Orwellian Year of 1984 as they burnished the Olympic rings to a phosphorus glow of a million roentgens. Rest assured, not so much as a speck of saliva or other bodily fluids will go unswabbed, including the difficult ceiling areas which nestle your attractive expensive lighting fixtures, Danish I am sure😉 As you are a woman of refined and spackles sensiblity and flushing senses, no doubt you appreciate the old adage concerning the lusty tidying skills of autistic housekeepers: “he who speaketh in swallowed tongue licks not the surface below.” I trust that old chestnut will give you a mental picture image of your kitchen’s floor surface in which you will as sure as yeast turns to alcohol when fed sugar regard your own visage in your beautifully appointed ceramic tile surface on its gleaming surface and face as if the gleam were your very own, yet somehow Photoshopped by St. Trinian himself! Angst not for your fixture health!

I await instructions for you to receive your funds from me as I await the morning chirp of the brooding female guinea fowl as she harkens the arrival of the gamekeeper with the harvest of morning alewife from the estuary.

In sincerest sincerity and avowedness,

Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor

 


They Replied Yet Again. For More Hilarity on that: Nigerian Email Scammers Get Scammed

  1. Billy
    October 30, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Killer, but my man; you may have a bit more time on your hands than is considered normal. ROFLMAO.

  2. October 30, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Billy, there is no reason to assume that what I do is “normal”.

  3. October 31, 2010 at 1:33 am

    I just book marked your blog on Digg and StumbleUpon.I enjoy reading your commentaries.

  4. Mashfeldt Pregoria
    October 31, 2010 at 6:13 am

    This is hilarious. It’s the old Spanish Prisoner scam, with a little slant to it, because the email seems to have gotten mangled in a word processor.

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