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May You Be Blessed, My Lovely Nigerian Email Scammers!


I Have Received My Application to Rent Their Too Good To Be True Beachfront Apartment!

THE EMAILS FROM THEM AND CONTACT INFO IS ALL REAL. WELL, SO ARE MY REPLIES.

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved.

The Living Room of The Wonderful $600 Apartment

For those of you who read through yesterday’s posting, you will be pleased to know that my new Nigerian friends have allowed me to apply to rent their apartment. For those of you who didn’t, here are photos they sent me of their wonderful apartment at 2101 Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, California 90405 (sic). For those of you who haven’t done the required reading, there’s no quiz, just these photos of the apartment that “Emily Williams” so kindly sent me. I can’t help but notice how tidy the bedroom is. The insistence on cleanliness by these wonderful people gives me the comfort of knowing the bedroom has been as meticulously maintained as any bedroom to be found during a hotel website photo shoot.

The Bedroom with All the Comforts of a... Hotel?

Here is  the application that “Emily” so kindly sent me, obviously moved by my request to rent. (See yesterday’s post below.) I am not so selfish as to deprive my readers of the opportunity to rent this apartment, nor would I deprive you of the opportunity to speak directly to Ms. Williams’ husband, on a mission from God in Nigeria. The phone numbers are in the body of the email so please feel free to phone, as I will later today.

Hello Joe,

Good hearing from you that you are promising us that our apartment will be well taken care off,and I really appreciate your expression.So,Like I told you there’s none of my friends or relatives to show you the apartment.I want you to stick to your words.Is that okay with you?And the below is the final question that you must answer to qualify for the rent.

Hope you have a nice working day,in fact I will like to meet you when coming to visit you soonest,You will not be able to see inside of the

A Bathroom So Institutional Yet Somehow Personal

 

apartment..We do a long term and short term renting anytime you which to leave the place will be grateful and we are ready to rent a short or long-term.

Note that you will not be allowed to enter the apartment,because the keys/document is here with me in London,United  Kingdom.

(NOTE: RENTAL APPLICATION REMOVED AND POSTED BELOW IN MY REPLY.)

*******RENT APPLICATION*******
(Private & Confidential)
Also,Pls let me get this answer.

Looking forward to hear from you with all this details for approval so that i can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt in your name and contacting you.Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how to get the documents and the keys to you,Please we are giving you all this transaction is based on Trust & Honesty and again I want you to stick to your words,We are putting everything into Gods hand,so please do not let us down in this property of ours and God bless you more as you do this.

N:B :  We are doing doing this because of God as a good Christian,  If you can pay two months, you will get one month free , I had an accident which affected my hearing and my legs , I am currently on a wheel chair right now, I do not use a phone that’s why I am always online,you can call him on +2348137268155 or 0112348137268155,if you are interested, you can fill out the rent application below and get back to me as soon as possible.

Thanks so much and have a nice day.
Love in Christ and Kindness Regards
Emily Williams

Dear Emily,

I likewise appreciate your expression! It is with giddy private schoolgirl passing gas from passing O Levels delight I receive your application. Relent not, I always “stick to my words” more than a conjoined twin sticks to her sister.

My gratitude for you giving me this based on Trust and Honesty has allowed me to receive approval from my Conservator, the known Mr. Larry Sanjiv Deepthresh, to more than double my deposit to your account to the melody of $ 6,387,000 (again, of course, less chauffeur fees and internet café costs, including necessary  beverages) once I receive your bank account information, including all passwords, access authorization, and scanning of your signatures, which of course will delight my Belgian calligraphy team with its  brutish grace and Anjou Kingly beauty.

I too, put everything into “God’s hand”, but I ask him to use both, or more as he likely has more. I too, am doing this “because of God as a Good Christian”. After all, in the words of my rabbi, “who can trust to be more of a Good Christian than Christ Himself?” While I am not Christ, though some may say my heart is coated with him, his divine gluten courses through the course of my veins.

1) Your Full Name: I am Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor (Benefactor is not a title, but my full name.)

Tyrolian C. Legantia, Benefactor

2) Present Full Address (where you reside now) & Phone Number to Reach You: 85.98a Avenida Kim Il-Jong, Carmel, California (819) KL5-3369 x3333

3) Age: 71 years 8 months, 6 days, three hours and presently 26 minutes and 11 seconds as of this writing. This will be out of date as you kindly read this.

4) Are you married? I am currently entrothed to the Countess Klylencia of DeBarge, an elegant virtuous virgin of elegant virtuosity and de rigeur physical chaleur.

5) Sex? Frequent, often with partners.

6) How many people will be living in the house? One cannot foretell the future. A “trick question!” Your cleverness removes evil intent as a plumber’s snake burrows through compacted tissue and the aquiferous and hearty odiferous consequences of reluctant waste!

7) Do you have a pet? I keep a blue-ribbon herd of rare Tyrolian wallaby as anyone in my situation would for security. They are rescued former Latvian customs drug-sniffing animals with nails removed to save flooring and furniture.

8) Do you have a car? I currently own fleets of Bentleys, Maseratis, and my well-known collection of vintage East German Trabants, all of which I am divesting by bequeathment to lepers, bulimics, and victims of RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome).

9) What is your religion? Orthodox Tyrolian Jainist, Sindhu Sect (the ones with the parking spaces at the temple)

10) Occupation? Philanthropist and Professional Classical Concert Chinese Cowbellist in the Walken Style

11) Citizen of which Country? North Korea (for tax purposes).

12) When are you ready to Move In? My humble bags are in the vintage London taxi parked currently outside 2101 Ocean Avenue, Santa Monica and can have my staff of Inuit lesbian movers engage lickety-split.

13) When are u planning to leave the apartment? Upon completion of all necessary interments and drying of concrete and paint plus, of course, odor removal.

14) How many months can you afford as upfront deposit? 36-42

15) How soon can you send the deposit? As soon as you can receive it by sending my financial curatorial staff your confidential banking information.

Again, my thanks in Your Christ, dear Emily. Please reply forthwith regarding how I may divest myself of funds to commence my new life of ascetic splendor and vulgarity.

Sincerest of sincerity,

Your pal, Tyrolian C.


  1. Mashfeldt Pregoria
    October 31, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Aren’t you the guy who used to be Gloria Swanson’s driver? Yeah, that’s you. May I remind you that “borrowed” my crippled brother’s raincoat at Cindy Parculia’s party. Or don’t you remember, she lives just west of Venice on Matealoca Avenue? I will be waiting for you tomorrow 9 AM in front of the La Brea Tar Pits. Either return it, dry cleaned and Martinized, or be prepared to place $200 cash into my hands. If you don’t show up, I will find you by your swimming pool and shoot you in the nether region with my Uzi.

    By the way, you should stop smoking. It’s bad for your health.

  2. Billy
    October 31, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Sports writer, and now an international real estate mogul…your resume is rapidly expanding, both in the qualitative and quantitative senses. Sorry that Mashfeldt cat was so harsh about the damn raincoat deal. Maybe he actually knows a guy named Tyrolian.

  3. November 3, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I have several more at home, but I found these replies I wrote in my work inbox.

    From: Robert D. Skeels
    Subject: Re: [Bulk] I Wish To Invest Some Funds In Your Country Through You Please Reply
    Date: September 01, 2009 09:20:46 PDT
    To: lester4@jmail.co.za, lester.wallacee1@yahoo.com

    My dearest Wallace Lester:

    We find within ourselves the deepest desire to express our sorrow towards your blessed self for your late father’s fate. We also recognize our ability to assist you in your specialized financial transaction with an urgency hitherto unknown in our sunny region. It is our intention to increase your blessings and financial opportunities in an unique and unspecified fashion.

    So dearest one! We will avail ourselves to you in a way you could never imagine. Once you send us a cashiers check for the 4.5 Million USD, we will deposit the sum into a high interest bearing account our dear Wallace Lester. Once you and you and your security director guardian arrive in the United States, furthering your educational opportunities, we will turn the entire amount back over to your minus 10 percent of the interest the sum earned will languishing in a profitable endeavor such as a high yield CD at the world famous Bank of America.

    We will also delight in the lovely opportunity to greet you as you arrive here to continue your education. We would be humbled to serve in this very unique way to serve your situation. Please send the check with all haste to:

    Tanya and Steven Phillips
    3412 Green Apple Blvd.
    Mariposa, CA 95338

    As soon as we deposit he cashiers check for 4.5 Million USD into the bank we will send your dearest self verification of deposit and await your arrival.

    On Sep 01, 2009, at 03:55, LESTER WALLACE wrote:

    From The Desk Of
    Mr.Lester Wallace
    Greetings,
    I have interest of investing in your country as well as seek your services
    in a private and confidential matter.
    I am a senior Acountant heading computing department here in our bank.
    On my routine inspection I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with a
    Balance of Twenty Million United States Dollars ($20,000,000) .
    So I write to seek your indulgence and assistance in transferring this
    fund to your country through legal means.
    I am proposing to make this transfer to a designated bank account of your
    choice in your country for investment. At the conclusion of this
    transaction, you will be given 45% of the total amount, 55% will be for me
    and my Bank colleagues who will help make this business a success.
    You can contact me through my private email: lester.wallacee1@yahoo.com
    Let me know if you can handle it.
    My Regards,
    Mr.Lester Wallace
    SENIOR ACCOUNTANT
     

    ==========

    From: Robert D. Skeels
    Subject: Re: I await your response.
    Date: September 10, 2010 09:57:21 PDT
    To: thorburndavid64@yahoo.com.hk

    Mr. Thorburn:

    Your generous offer is certainly what we’ve been waiting for. In fact, we propose that you enjoy the lion’s share of the proceeds. How about 87% for you and 13% for us. That would be a whopping $43,500,000 USD going into your deserving hands. After all, you are the genius mastermind devising this exquisite and entirely original plan.

    Please send the check for the entire amount to us and we will immediately cut a check to you for the above mentioned amount. There may be a brief wait for the funds to clear, and the FBI might take notice of such a large sum changing hands, but we’re sure that you agree that it’s worth it.

    Rod Steele and Honey Dryps
    1502 Morningwood Drive.
    Petersville, CA 93812

    By the way, my wife and I have been know to swing here and there. Perhaps after our mutually beneficial financial transaction, you’d be interested in stopping by our place and giving my wife a go.

    Yours very truly

    Rod Steele

    On Sep 10, 2010, at 06:42, David Thorburn wrote:

    Greetings,

    I am David Thorburn Chief Operating Officer, Clydesdale Bank. I am getting in touch
    with you regarding the estate of a deceased client with similar last name and an
    investment placed under our banks management 10 years ago. I believe would be of
    interest to you.In 2000, the subject matter; came to our bank to engage in business
    discussions with our private banking division. He informed us that he had a financial
    portfolio of fifty million united states dollars ($50,000,000,00).i want you to stand
    as the bona-fide next of kin to the desease.

    My proposal; you share the same surname With our late client; We share the proceeds 50%
    for me, 50% for you Should you be interested i shall provide you with more details of
    this transaction.

    SEND YOUR MAIL TO MY EMAIL ADDRESS BELOW

    thorburn.david@yahoo.com.hk

    I await your response.

    Regards,
    David Thorburn

  4. November 3, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Walken Style is indeed my favorite of those trained in the Classical Concert Chinese Cowbellism. Bravo my good Benefactor for keeping such a kindly style alive in delightful prudence!

  5. zb1
    November 29, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    I received a very similar email today from Mary Williams..
    I am in discussions with her now about this apt. in Sherman Oaks, Calif.

  6. You've won the Nigerian Lottery
    November 30, 2010 at 6:16 am

    I am in dialogue myself too as we speak with a glorious man of God. A very uncommon name so I was able to trace this ‘person’. A huge Judas Priest fan! Quite apt for a pastor.

  7. zb1
    December 11, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Using the same info as on this page I applied and qualified..

    Thank you very much for your reply, I can see your willingness in this apartment. I want you to know that I’m satisfied with your profile and also believe l can trust in you because l will not like to experience what l experienced from my last tenant again.I will like to know the exact date you will like to move into the apartment,l have send your profile to my husband and I know that he will be satisfied with it.l want you to know that we can let you stay in my apartment till the period of time you wish to.I want you to know that the rent fee is among the apartment utilities all included, so you can use them anytime but make you take proper care of my properties.We will come and pay you a visit after you have moved into my home to see how you are maintaining it,I will be receiving the One month rent and security deposit which will be total sum of $1,100 as a deposit via Western Union money transfer and the security deposit is refundable when you are ready to move out of the apartment, I wish you best of luck in your work from your profile l can see that you are responsible and a hard working person may the almighty Lord lead you in what ever you wish to do. I understand your point of view but i was stucked by down by a serious illness my ear drums are no more functioning, and presently i can’t hear, that is the reason why i asked you to send the payment down to my husband and as soon as he confirmed the payment i will order the courier service to come and pick the package containing the keys/document. I also want you to know that i will be going for surgery Thursday and i want you to pray for me that it should be successful because the doctor confirmed to me that if the surgery is unsuccessful i might not be able to hear again for the rest of my life,if you can make arrangement for the payment today, you will get the keys/documents on Monday Morning . My husband and i have discuss it over and I understand everything but the problem is that my husband and i have build all our trust in you,it’s an agreement and we promise we will not let you down as you know that we are good Christian family,we can’t tarnished our name all because of money,all we need in these transaction is trust and honesty, Mark on my word, The deposit is refundable.

    N:B : XMAS BONUS IF YOU ARE PAYING TWO MONTHS RENT WITH SECURITY DEPOSIT, YOU WILL GET A MONTH FREE.

  8. zbestwun2001
    December 16, 2010 at 7:28 am

    So these fools are just in Los Angeles..
    I even went as far as to tell Mary I MUST talk to the man….I made him call all the way from Nigeria.. then I just went off on him…

  9. dr. zorgon borgon
    May 10, 2011 at 10:34 am

    “Belgian calligraphy team with its brutish grace and Anjou Kingly beauty”.

    This is priceless!

    Many years ago I had a Nigerian ‘princess’ wanting to transfer a mere 7mil out of the country and offering to be my bride as well. I should have saved all emails. It was entertaining. I ended up breaking her heart, because she was not a virgin and the 7mil was not enough to marry a harlot.

  10. pam parrish
    June 5, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    All I did was google 2101 ocean avenue trying to find reviews on this vacation rental!! I got way more than I bargained for when I found your priceless Nigerian correspondence! Though the nigerian landlords were phantoms, it still kind of gives me the creeps about my future vacation rental!:)))

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