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Holy Gordon “Good Golly” Gee! Boise Meets the Dreamtwister

November 27, 2010 Leave a comment

Cinderella Program Finally Gets Their Signature Loss

Michigan Adds to the Rodriguez’ Buckeye Legacy

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

 

Ohio State Fans Salute Their Beloved Rival Coach

I was standing in line hitting the Black Friday deals at the 99-Cent Store (Mexican “udder cream”[1] was marked down to just 98 cents!) and missed some of the action in Auburn’s Camback Victory. Frustratingly, even today I only got to see Internet recaps of the services for the late Rich Rodriguez coaching career, which was laid to rest in Ohio Stadium. It was a touching, somber ceremony as his speedy Big Eastly Wolverines spread offense saw their vital signs drop to merely seven (7) points against Ohio State in what attendants said was a “lack of a will to live”. Rodriguez’s passing will be much lamented in Ohio, as he and his “spread defense” loyally rewarded Buckeye fans with another ignominious 37-7 Michigan loss, cementing his place in the Ohio State Football Hall of Fame. Rodriguez is said to be considering waiting a year in purgatory and working as an ESPN expert analyst along with other celebrated coaching legends such as Bob Davie before he would even listen to an offer to descend to hell in a program such as Buffalo, Akron or American Samoa A&M.

 

Nevada's Win Relegates Boise State to Idaho

On Friday night, I did get to see the plucky[2] Boise State Broncos suffer a “wide right” and “wide left” dream-crushing loss to the underrated Nevada Wolfpack, 34-31 in overtime. The loss provided the upstart Idaho commuter college’s impressive football program with the long-awaited cheerleader-crying, university president spit-taking dreamtwist sackshot that all major college football programs have long known. Not only is their chance to play in the so-called National Championship Game gone, but likely a major BCS bowl bid as well. They now actually face the prospect of playing in something called The Humanitarian (sic) Bowl, which is held in… you guessed it, their home stadium. They have blue turf! Don’t worry, they’ll remind you.

For the Tater Tots, it must seem like it was for me when Ohio State lost to TSUN[3] way back in ’97. Or for Saul Bellow[4] when he found out that the University of Chicago was not only no longer in the Big Ten[5], but actually gave up football! For some, not having a football team might seem better than enduring such a loss. Black Friday indeed it will forever be known in Boise.

For Nevada, it will be perceived as a vindication of their football team, just as Boise’s wins over Oklahoma and even Oregon and Virginia Tech were for them. Simply, this was a case of a previously unheralded team getting more herald than the angels could sing. They, like Boise, will live off that for several years. They will challenge the “old conference powers” to play “anytime, anywhere[6]. Nevada coach Chris Ault called it the “greatest win the university’s ever had.”[7]

For Boise State, however, it became their “signature loss”.  They’ve now suffered the pain that comes as an upset, the kind of losses they  might have pinned on other big schools had those games mattered this much for those schools.  Boise’s loss is the the kind that hurts. Really really hurts They now know what it is like to feel the pain from the dark side of the big win that was not to be. The pain and lost opportunity and unfulfilled dreams that exist for college athletes (and even fans) in that fleeting three step drop called a “career”.

 

Boise State Kicker Kyle Brotzman Becomes a Verb

It is a loss that will haunt them, perhaps not as much as the several classes of Michigan players who went through their entire four years without ever beating Ohio State, but it will hurt. Kicker Kyle Brotzman will be as popular in Idaho as mayonnaise on pastrami at a Hillel luncheon. The two short field goals he missed (one to win with one second left, the second miss cementing the loss in OT) may perhaps turn his surname into a verb. “Don’t Brotzman that joint” or “He Brotzmanned all over her,” or “ I gotta drop a Brotzman” are just some of the possibilities the future Kyle Smith may overhear. Scott North (nee Norwood) will now have company in Player Legacy Hell, just one level above Bill Buckner.

I know it will seem impossible to believe Boise fans, but someday you will see what I mean. And you will know it if you have a real rivalry. Bedlam, The Game, The Iron Bowl, Ohio State – Michigan. 60 Minutes that last 365 days. You will realize how enduring dream-killing pain may one day make a big victory, the realization of your dreams, so much sweeter and fulfilling. I wish you luck. Yours just ran out this year. I do know where you can get a deal on “udder cream” though.

So now next time you’re in a big game, you’ll actually have a storyline that includes pathos, real ups and downs, not just some exciting upset wins with quarterback-proposing-to-cheerleader trick plays.

And Happy Thanksgiving Ohio State President Gordon “Block O” Gee. Your fogeyish comments about Boise and TCU as “Little Sisters of the Poor” weren’t boomeranged into your face like a steaming hot dog cannon incident. And BCS? You’ve got a lot to be grateful for too. One non-automatic qualifier down. TCU, as of this writing, kickoff is near and even if you open up a can, it may not matter. It matters not how much ass you whoop, it’s whose ass is the whoopee, and do your fans travel to bowl games.

P.S. I am personally grateful to the legions of sportswriters on whose shoulders I stand for the wonderful clichés and irrelevant puns with which I regularly season and baste my bloggish dish of pigskin punditry and pointless purple prose. And you too Microsoft! Word!

FOR FURTHER READING ON THESE  SUBJECTS, PLEASE SEE THE LINKS BELOW:

Great Losses Build Great Traditions. Are You Listening Boise State?

Rich Rodriguez Inducted into Ohio State Football Hall of Fame


[1] Limit two per customer, no coupons. One tube per udder.
[2] media euphemism for “playing with heart above their talent level” or the vernacular “nice try”.
[3] That School Up North, aka Michigan, as coined by Woody Hayes, who refused to utter the name of the rival school.
[4] Canadian born, austerely raised believing three downs were sufficient. Nobel Prize winning author of Humboldt’s Gift, epic tale of a game-winning interception and a losing quarterback’s suicide. I think.
[5] An original founding member of the Western Conference, later the Big Ten, the University of Chicago gave up football in 1939  preferring to focus on the then-popular fad of academics.
[6] As long as they get a couple million dollars
[7] Not counting the night he won $3600 on Shady Lady slots in Reno and spent it three hours later on other shady lady slots. That’s what some guy told me.

Lady Gaga a Hermaphrodite? Let’s Ask TSA!

November 21, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Ambigutastic!

Sometimes seemingly random associations given to us by the world may hold the answer to those troubling

What You Searched For Last Week to Find Say It Ain't So, Joe!

questions. For those millions of you curious about Lady Gaga’s ladyality, here’s a simple way to get to the nuts and bolts of it. Just ask TSA! Your own search queries here show you’re way ahead of me.

Okay, so nobody found me by searching for “clever funny writing”, “erudite Joycean analysis”, or “he hate Boise State”. Fine. To make your Gagalicious/TSA search mashup, here you go…

Lady Gaga: “I’m Not A Hermaphrodite, But That Would Be Cool!”

TSA Introduces New “Hot or Not” Naked Body Scanners


TSA Recruiting Pedophiles on Craigslist, “You Can Fondle Miss USA!”

November 16, 2010 3 comments

Pedophiles, Sex Offenders, Freelance Thugs, and Defrocked Priests Flock to New Jobs

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

“We Just Got a Former Miss USA here and these super hot women are the best way for terrorists to operate. We have to examine them extremely carefully, leaving no fold unfondled or breast unturned. And the nude photos will require further study by our trained sex off… officials,” said Transportation Sexual Assault spokesgroper Wayne Probst.” “I mean, she can lie all she wants but when you see the video you can tell she’s hot and requires a good groping. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t do my job as thoroughly as possible over and over and over again. I can’t just wipe my hands and let her go.”

They’re making me go – making me do this. Making me choose to either get molested, because that’s what I feel like and, or, or, go through this machine that’s completely unhealthy and dangerous. I don’t want to go through it, and here I am crying.” — Former Miss USA Susie Castillo

The Transportation Sexual Assault board is now recruiting on Craigslist for new gropers, squeezers, laptop droppers, and lumpen mouth-breathing  power trippers as the busy holiday travel season approaches. Next week’s Thanksgiving weekend is traditionally the busiest travel time of the year, with the popular Major Religion Shopping Season to follow immediately afterward. “College coeds claiming to be going to games, MILF-type women in sexy sweaters, sneaky blogger types with books or computers, or precocious three year olds with suspiciously cute stuffed animals may be concealing nuclear titty weapons, nice ass bombs, testicle implant devices, wheelchair-powered incendiary charges, prosthetic leg devices containing more than three ounces of liquid,  or any stuff we haven’t made up yet so we’re going to have to get our hands in deep,” said TSA spokesgroper Cletis Yokelmuster, the agency’s Director of Lingerie, Panties, and Accidental Trouser Stains and former Archbishop of  Tulsa, explained. “Those fancy laptops they have might be loaded with porn we don’t have so we need to destroy it for their own protection. And don’t even get me started on those hidden tampons! You wouldn’t believe where they hide ’em! Sometimes I feel like one of those French truffle-sniffing pigs.”

CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE

Transportation Sexual Assault ad on Craigslist Seeks Pedophiles, Sex Offenders, Priests, Goons

Yokelmuster also pointed out that the TSA has “every right” to do “whatever the (copulate) we want” to passengers by “Executive (copulating)’ Order”. “We need people who don’t have a problem grabbing no matter what age. He explained that “look, I don’t like feeling up some 87 old grandmother in Depends for no reason, okay? That’s Jimbo over there. That’s his scene, I mean, area of expertise. I’m more of a middle school cheerleader or altar boy terrorism suspect expert.”

TSA Procedures Are "Time Tested and Hot"

He also pointed out that the TSA is merely “doing what authorities have had to do for centuries — get chicks naked and terrorize the (sentient fecal matter) out of guys too. And hey, kids may be cute, but we already know that terrorism is pretty much everything or at least anything we say it is… Or don’t.” Some historic antecedents for the new TSA policies were on display in a nine-minute  XXX-rated PowerPoint presentation which unfortunately ended prematurely. Spokesmen blamed the premature ending on “Windows 7 crashing from the processors getting too hot to handle the speed and the motion of my nimble talented fingers on the delicate keyboard.” UPDATE: TSA goons at LAX volunteered for free overtime for “extra thorough security searches” last night as news spread that Rihanna and Katy Perry were traveling on the same flight.

New Naked Body Scanners Can be Fun, says Spokeshole

For a look at how the new machines and techniques are being received by Americans, Say it Ain’t So, Joe! provides this video report:

Notice: the above post contains the term “sentient fecal matter” and should be read accordingly.

Larry King’s College Football Big Winner of the Weekend: “Goyse State”

November 14, 2010 1 comment

Live From Nate & Al’s

By Larry King © 2010, Joe Bodolai. All rights reserved

Larry Kitbitzking with a Young Fan

(Note: I was unable to watch any games Saturday since I was in Topanga Canyon at a sacred vegan tie-dye candlemaking sweat lodge unicycle juggling and poker tournament so my buddy Larry King covered the action for me.)

Forget "Beamer Ball", Gimme Matzoh Ball

Say, that Boise State team can really play football – and on the shabbas! I call ‘em “Goyse State”, but with that many potatoes in Idaho you think they’d make latkes… I never saw so many big shabbas goys on an O-line since Sid Luckman won the Heisman… Oregon only scored 15? That’s John Mayer at a Grammys afterparty. They got more uniforms than conjoined twins have resentments. Shoulda stopped modeling and got ‘em dirty… For my money, when you talk soup you talk matzoh… Cam Newton sure is giving Auburn a lotta bang for their buck… He cost less than half what Reggie Bush did… When it comes to value, you can’t beat that 79¢ corn dog at Wienerschnitzel… Speaking of corn dogs, Iowa got spayed by Northwestern like a poodle at a free clinic… That microchip implanting is a good idea. How else can we find Texas in the polls?… My pal Joe Paterno didn’t get win 401 yesterday but he’s still got his 401k… Nice kid, that Paterno… TCU got outscored 21-6 in the second half. Shoulda resurrected their offense… TCU and Boise complain about the polls more than Hitler in 1939…Speaking of whine, I still can’t understand that Beaujolais nouveau. It’s like eating the cucumber instead of a good garlic dill… At least that’s what one of my last three or four wives said about having sex with me… I gotta remember to ask her what she meant when I remember which one she was… Only one word for fiber: kasha. More roughage than the chunks of Indiana’s defense in Wisconsin’s cleats running up 83 points. They remind me of that great University of Chicago team that won the Big Ten a while back… Could use some of that “SEC speed” right now. Cam Newton was dishing it out like a crystal meth dealer at a circuit party…. Overrated? Honey Nut Cheerios. Underrated? Adult Depends. Need ‘em when you’re talkin’ Runny Butt Cheerios. Don’t say I didn’t tell you: Watch your “best before” date on your milk. Gotta go…

 

“Blowout Jesus”: World’s Largest Christ Figure For New TCU Stadium

November 8, 2010 3 comments

“Holy S*%t!” Exclaims Mike Leach “That’s One Mother of a Super Savior!”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Take that Notre Dame: Private Boxes in the Giant JesusDome Highlight New TCU Stadium

Texas Christian University today announced that their new stadium will include “Blowout Jesus”,  the world’s largest stone apparent likeness of Jesus Christ, a popular though unphotographed religious figure. The statue, measuring 1.65 humongousnesses, “blows the holy doors off Notre Dame’s little mosaic and should impress the bejeezus out of the BCS,” explained TCU BCS Derriere Suction Director Cornelius “Skip” Yates . “We don’t just call ours “touchdown Jesus”, this is a freakin’ Blowout Jesus! It’s gonna unleash a plague of horned frog 47-7 style points on visiting teams like we do every week.” Colorful and doughy retired coach and rumored ESPN analyst Mike Leach added “The BCS voters gotta love it. The computers won’t until computers learn how to love.”

New stadium construction will commence with the end of the home schedule and feature a “9/11 style controlled demolition” to implode the West Grandstand, which will fall onto its footprint. “We were gonna have a plane crash into it but we didn’t need to go to all that trouble since our funding came through anyway. Hey, nobody gets hurt and we get some first class private boxes. That’s what America’s all about these days,” added Yates.

Boise State University , also seeking BCS recognition, released a weekly statement to remind everyone of their blue turf.


iTunes and James Joyce? It’s My College Football Weekend in Review

November 7, 2010 1 comment

Ke$ha, Mumford & Son, Break it Down Musically, With Footnotes, After Most Pretentious Opening Line Ever

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

Eyepatch? Pretentious? Absolument pas!

When I was at Cambridge, where there was no college football as we know it (which may also be said of insert your rival here), I took a course on the celebrated author James Joyce, taught by the foremost Joyce expert in the world, Sir Francis Warner. Sir Francis was from Oxford[1], and his lectures consisted of analyzing Joyce’s dense passages by pointing out the author’s clever latticework of couched references to the Sacraments, the Ten Commandments, the Seven Deadly Sins, and other Christian Do’s and Don’t lists. I asked the esteemed professor a more polite version of the brash American question, “what’s the point?” I got an exceedingly polite whine-and-cheese answer, but I don’t remember what the point of that was either. Does Joyce’s prose have meaning? Or is it just a pointless clever word game? I don’t know so I’ll just try a two-point conversion. Apparently my education has qualified me for cheesy unpaid sportswriting.  In the spirit of pretentious and shallow allusions to other irrelevant pretentious and shallow allusions, here’s my Joycean recap of the weekend’s college football in which I couch what I hope you will think of as insights behind the sexy and apparently frivolous veneer of pop music. Or, for you SEC fans, “I ‘cued up a mess of songs and band names with some roadkill of what was goin’ on in football. Y’all can make sense of it real quick. Hell, you know SEC’s got speed!”

Michigan: “We R Who We R”. Offense: lookin’ sick and sexified. Defense? Stockings ripped all up the side.

Blue R Who Blue R

You’re supposed to be hittin’ on dudes. Hard,” not giving up 65 points to Illinois! You’re Michigan dammit! GadZooks! How does a Citizen Cope?

Penn State: “Little Lion Man” Joe Pa wins his 400th game and you know you’ve seen this all before. Spurned by one recruit’s dad as Mr. Mumford & Son Aaron pick Rutgers. (True…ish. Bing it.)[2]

Nebraska: Wins without Taylor Swift[3] as Iowa State fails on a fake extra point in overtime. Cyclones coach Paul (“Randy”) Rhoads says “je ne regrette rien”, except in English with cool football coach accent. (Side note: losing quarterback is named “Artaud” for extra grand guignol.)

 Alabama: losing to the Actual Tigers, I’d say “busted flat in Baton Rouge” if maybe a hundred other writers didn’t already do that. Besides, I’m using this week’s iTunes, not Nick Saban’s Walkman. LSU fans on Rue Bourbon Ra Ra Riot.

Indiana: Waka Flocka Flame! “No Hands[4]” Damario Belcher burps on a sure thing game-winning no catch which would have upset Iowa on the last play of the game. Whip My Hair!

 Flo Rida: The Gators Turn Around. In nature’s perfect harmony, the song referred to herein is a favourite at strip clubs, as are Gator players. Spell your state’s name? Sound it out Gator recruits. You can do it! Or here, this nice pretty girl tutor can spell it for you.

Read This Instead

 TCU:

Christians slaughter Utes and it’s not even Columbus Day! [5] (What’s this about them changing conferences? A Far East Movement?) I discovered there is a Texas Christian University Jazz Ensemble recording available[6], something that amuses the flaming hades out of me when I think of the origins of the word “jazz” and combine it with “Christian”. Their rhythm method must be pumpin’ hard on one track called, seriously, Bone Appetit.  That’s for you DirtyHeads. Okay, that’s enough of this… Oh wait… The inevitable …

Boise State:

Oh, now do I have to say something about Boise State? Related to music? And football? Good freakin’ Charlotte, I give up. On a related non-musical note (get it sportswriters?) here’s the Boise State fight song (sic). Hum along if you can. By the way, the lyrics include the words “Boise’s proud tradition[7] heads up competition. Glory for B.S., B.S.U.” Glory for B.S. indeed. Okay, spudlovers, please win out and play TCU for the “national championship.” In that way “the system” will work; it will finally be truly “mythical” and I won’t have to listen to this anymore.

And finally, Texas: Remember Texas? Remember 2005? Even 2009? Instead of crying over the loss to Kansas State and a quarterback who had exactly nine (9) yards passing while yours had five (5) interceptions, are you nostalgically watching Colt McCoy quarterbacking the Cleveland Browns beating the Patriots 34-14? If you are, here’s Kelly Clarkson, singing 2005’s hit Since You’ve Been Gone.

Happy memories, and good luck recruiting!


[1] England, not Mississippi, SEC fans.

[2] Thanks to me, Microsoft now gets its own verb, just like Google.

[3] Sensational freshman quarterback Taylor Martinez sat out due to an ankle injury.

[4] Charting at Number 20 this week, approximately 68 places higher than Indiana

[5] For a more thorough analysis of this confrontation, see Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States

[6] I have no idea where. You actually want to listen to this?

[7] See artificial turf by Monsanto, available in blue. Pretty much nothing else seems to qualify as one of their “traditions”.  It “heads up” competition though. They are without a doubt the premier blue plastic carpet team in the nation. Take that Red Grange.

 

Cam Newton Promises to Return Heisman

November 6, 2010 4 comments

And Other College Football Headlines of the Day

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

 

Newton's Law? Return Heisman

If he wins it, Cam Newton has promised to “return the Heisman Trophy, “most def.” The Auburn phenom is in the midst of a scandal involving allegations of payments made during his recruitment period which, if true, would likely make him ineligible and also bring sanctions against the university. While such sanctions would just fustercluck the college football landscape yet again, Newton said “I’ll give the mother(expletive) back once I sign my NFL deal. I am all about college football tradition and proud to be mentioned in the same breath as Reggie Bush.”

NOTRE DAME RENAMES ICONIC MURAL “FIELD GOAL JESUS”

"Inconsequential Field Goal Jesus"

 

The famous mural of Jesus Christ, a leading religious figure, looking over Notre Dame Stadium with arms upraised as if signifying a score, has been unofficially renamed “Inconsequential Field Goal Jesus”. The mural was previously known as “Touchdown Jesus” but Vatican Sports Information Director Cardinal Roberto Petrino explained the change was “due to the team’s miraculous ability to kick meaningless field goals in the fourth quarter of blowout losses.”

BLACKWATER ADMITS  ARMY’S NEW “DESERT CAMO” UNIFORMS DANGEROUS ON GREEN TURF

 

Camo Unis No Flage

Xe, formerly Blackwater, a major supplier of crap to U.S. troops at criminally hyperinflated prices, finally admitted that the camouflage uniforms supplied to Army’s football team were “more appropriate” to a desert or dirt surface, and not the green of most college football fields. “It was an oversight,” admitted LeRoy Cashman, Chief Oversight Designer for the company, “when the efficacy of Boise State’s blue uniforms matching their blue turf was pointed out by our CIA contacts we thought, ha! That’s cool! How do opposing defenses even see them?” The company said it would resupply more faulty equipment immediately at even more outrageous prices. “We may also be looking at getting into beer sales in stadiums where markups are more in line with our corporate culture.”

High in the Middle

 

USC, MICHIGAN, STILL ON PROBATION

No story, just a reminder. Enjoy your day.