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Archive for December, 2010

“I Wish I Had a River…” I Could Skate Away

December 24, 2010 2 comments

Joni Mitchell’s Wonderful Song, Sung by Martin Tielli, Featuring Hugh Marsh, with Members of the Rheostatics

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Being in the States, even though I was born here, makes me miss Canada. It’s my spiritual home. It does make me feel a strong yearning for peace and serenity in the world and in myself. I wish the same for all those of you I know or whose paths have crossed with mine in some way over the years. The video below seems to capture some of my feelings even though they are in someone else’s words with someone else’s voice. The song is “The River”, by Joni Mitchell. This remarkable live performance of it is sung by Martin Tielli, accompanied by violinist Hugh Marsh and members of The Rheostatics, from my series Friday Night! on CBC Television. This live-to-air performance is full of the emotional nostalgic moments and wishes that I feel, and perhaps so do you. Please enjoy the gift these artists shared with me.

Categories: Comedy and Satire

College Football Early Christmas, Late Hanukah Offerings

December 18, 2010 Leave a comment

Hens Lay More than Two Dozen on Rednecks, Mormons Poly Up the Points on Miners, Cam Newton Still Sleazy

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

For some reason, when I blog about college football I get up to four views a minute on weekends. This may be due to the popularity of the sport or perhaps just due to the constant refreshing of my browser about four times a minute. Regardless, it infuses me with confidence to attempt an entirely cliché-free article on today’s games and other news. Oh, I do have clichés, just not ones usually applied to college football.

Some of the big news this week was off the field. Several programs deleted their coaches and uploaded new ones. After Urban Meyer’s temp file from last year restored him to Florida’s head coaching role after about a day of the spinning beach ball of retirement, he finally crashed last week like Windows Vista running a spreadsheet and a video at the same time. While his condition may or may not be caused by a virus, the Gators installed a beta of Will Muschamp, easily dragging and dropping him into the swamp from Texas for 2.7 gigabucks.

Tech Support Girl Strikes Heistman Pose with Recovered Stolen Laptop

The first bowl games of the season, not counting the punch bowl drinking games involving vodka, grenadine, and Sterno at Ohio University, kicked off began with the Delaware Blue Hens’ clucking incredible 27-10 win over Georgia Southern in their Whatever That Division is Called Now Semifinal. The only major college team with a female-specific nickname, the Lady Roosters were led by former Party Schooler Pat Devlin, late of Penn State. The fowly femmes held Georgia Southern, a school so redneck it has both “Georgia” and “Southern” in its name, to one touchdown and held the crimson-throat-monickered Jaybo Shaw to four of 12 for 159 feet passing, approximately the distance the laptop allegedly stolen by Cam Newton traveled when he threw it out the window.

In the lovely adobe and teal New Mexico Bowl, BYU whipped up some holy guacamole on UTEP, 52-24. The Cougars went after their younger prey with the ferocity of a Jersey housewife botox and silicone mackin’ The Situation. The University, named after prominent religious leader and multi-husband Brigham Young, scored just three fewer points than Young had wives.

Bowl season continues Later today with the Humanitarian Bowl between the Non-Violent Cowboys of Ghandi A&M and the Flying Saviors of Jesus Christ State.

Arianna Huffington Pledges to End World Shortage of Top Ten Lists

December 18, 2010 1 comment

Third World Especially Hard Hit by Lack of Hack TV, Magazine Writers, HuffPo Fills Void

By Joe Bodolai ©  2010, All rights reserved

It’s Top Ten Time of the Year when the media amps up their pointed decimalian insight to recap the year gone by. This rigorous scientific and critical analysis has been with us since at least the middle of the last century;[1]yet it is still in its infancy. A Google search turned up only 9,130,000 top ten lists available on the internet today, meaning that there is approximately only one for every 650 people on earth[2]. To illustrate the scarcity of these lists, there are approximately 600 million cars in the world[3] or closer to one per ten humans, a fact that may be coincidence or perhaps divine symmetry. While only a small percentage of cars can accommodate ten people, a top ten list can easily handle a number so large that science has yet to determine its magnitude.

The work done in this regard by David Letterman’s writers is surpassed only by the Huffington Post, whose staggering daily output of unoriginal ideas has inspired thousands of slavishly imitative magazine and newspaper writers over the last several decades. These mundane exercises in mundane decimalian simulated insight include such gems as “America’s Hottest Homeless Restrooms” and “Top Ten Places to Eat Salad.”

Experts, okay me, have long suggested that top ten lists may be reaching or have reached their point of total saturation in the United States and Canada. Here in the United States we are flush with them, choking on them, perhaps to the point of nausea, or what researchers[4] have termed “decimalian intoxication”.  Yet, they are relatively scarce in the rest of the world, “where they really no having much thing like that”, said Dix 这,  the noted Chinese Supradixologist. “They needing more peoples with imitates skill not originating , like U.S. Americans idea copying peoples. Please forgive I hit your car.”

As a public service to the rest of the world, I have compiled a list of as yet uncreated or probably already done top ten lists and translated their titles with the help of Google Translate[5], each in a different language. I hope they can assist scholars in the poor unfortunate Rest of the World to create these much-needed methods of better understanding the complexities of our world. Readers caring to donate can send their lists to me as I would never stoop to such a hack technique as posting yet another Top Ten List. Five maybe…

1.     French : Top dix lignes de ramassage des activités terroristes (Top Ten Terrorist Pickup Lines

2.     Lithuanian: Populiariausi Kalėdinės dovanos Rasta Willie Nelson’s Beard (Top Ten Christmas Gifts Found in Willie Nelson’s Beard)

3.     Swedish: Top Ten Tiger Woods smeknamn för Hans Putter (Top Ten Tiger Woods Nicknames for His Putter)

4.     Hebrew: דרכים עשרת להסתיר נשק גרעיני במכנסיים שלך (Top Ten Ways To Hide Nuclear Weapons in Your Pants[6])

5.     Estonian: Kümme Numbers eufemisme jaoks rinnad TSA Sorterid (Top Ten Euphemisms for Breasts by TSA Screeners)


[1] I have no idea when top ten lists began, but certainly well before David Letterman, but this footnote is really to show off my nice use of a semicolon.

[2] This includes all the foreign countries, which is a lot.

[3] I got the numbers from somewhere. I forget where.

[4] Me, Myself, and I Associates

[5] And their crack CIA staff

[6] If by “your pants” I mean Dimona, site of Israel’s secret illegal nuclear facility

Categories: Comedy and Satire

College Football Stories You Don’t Need to Read

December 11, 2010 1 comment

I’ve Summarized them for You

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

With college football’s second season starting in a matter of days, I’m sure fans are probably too busy brushing up on Bruce Feldman’s picks for the big bowl games to have noticed these stories on the sleepy final Saturday of the regular season. The original articles are too long and don’t even have footnotes, like mine, so I’ll just give you the dinner party synopses with which you can tantalize your friends. Just add a “did you hear…” in front of any of the headlines and then just add the handy conversational summary. Oh, the hours of fun you’ll have impressing people who seem on the surface not to care. They will probably appear moreso to cover the shame of their ignorance, so don’t let that stop you from dropping these newsy nuggets.

MOUNT UNION CHALLENGES BOISE STATE: “ANYTIME, ANYWHERE”

The most dominant program in college football, Division III Mount Union Purple Raiders defeated Bethel today 34-14, ensuring their sixth consecutive trip to the Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl for the national championship. Head coach Larry Kehres commented after the game “we’re so totally like bored with this. We should play Boise State, who have been ducking us. Let’s see if the big boys want to play us, anytime, anywhere. I hear they have blue turf and wear blue uniforms as camoflage. Clever. But we wear purple. Ha!”

JOINT CHIEF OF STAFF CALLS FOR “NEW WAR” TO HELP ARMY FOOTBALL – FORGET NFL DRAFT “WE NEED A REAL DRAFT”

“Let’s face it,” said General George Casey, “Army’s just not getting the athletes that a USC or an Auburn can get. With

Gen. Casey Wants Army Back to Glory Days of Wars, Draft

cutbacks, we just don’t have the money. We need more defense spending. And on special teams too. I think it will take a new war, a big one, and a reinstatement of conscription to get the athletes and get Army football back to where it was in the glory days of the big wars,” he stated after Army lost its ninth straight game to their rival Boat People, their longest losing streak since the days of the Army-Vietnam rivalry of the 60’s and 70’s.

YOU GO GIRLS! BLUE HENS KEEP ON CLUCKIN’

The Delaware Blue Hens, one of the rare college football teams with a female-specific nickname[1], defeated some other team today to move into the

Gender= bending Butch Hen Scares Delaware Rivals

Division 1-AA semifinals. The university is applauded for its equal treatment of men’s and women’s teams, as stated in an effusive personal email[2] to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! after last week’s query. Athletic Director Bernard Muir replied and was nice enough to thank me for my interest in University of Delaware football. More than I can say for Rich Rodriguez.


[1] A rude, ignorant, lowbrow sort of person might say “along with the Wolverines and Trojans”, but I would never indulge in such trash talk or insult women.

[2] Mr. Bodolai,

All teams, men’s and women’s are referred to as “Blue Hens.”

Thank you for your interest in the University of Delaware.

Sincerely,

Bernard Muir

Watching College Football? You Can Take Hooters, I’m at the Apple Store

December 5, 2010 2 comments

My College Football Mobile Viewing Choices Enliven a Boring Saturday.

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

I had quite a choice to make about where to watch the final weekend of college football’s “regular season”. Sure it’s nice to watch in HD and sports bars are an obvious choice. But when it comes to college football, HD and big screens everywhere you look is just not enough for me. I need to have live stats, updates tracking of other games, the odd video highlight, texts from my buddies, or just read the comments on Lee Corso’s headgear. So my iPhone is crucial.

The Hooters "Front Four"...Or Eight

The two best places for the online college football viewing experience where I am (Santa Monica) came down to, you guessed it, Hooters or the Apple Store. Hooters, of course, is an obvious choice. You go there for one thing: bandwith. Of course, the wide choice of games and the friendly staff is also great, even if it wasn’t packed with fans of the Temple Owls as I assumed judging by their name. The impressively-cantilevered waitstaff even go to lengths most girls wouldn’t these days, such as wearing hideously shiny pantyhose, presumably in honor of Joe Namath and the ’67 Jets[1]. Compared to, say, Starbucks or Barney’s Beanery around the corner, Hooters’ bandwidth chest bumps them by a few cup sizes, about six mbps to around two for the various neighbourhood bean merchants. So while I’m staring at a pair of 44s, and I mean those gorgeous monitors, with Oregon and Oregon State’s gaudy uniforms taxing the pixeldance in front of me, I can watch Auburn-South Carolina on the way to the restroom. My iPhone 4 has it in glorious high-resolution video without buffering. Yep, I’m pretty much the nerdiest guy at Hooters. Then I realize that pretty much any guy in Hooters is a nerd, especially the guy doing a chicken dance because it’s his birthday and they somehow found out. When it comes to pure bandwith, however, it’s no contest. The Apple Store dusts the

Fans at the Apple Store Glued to the Action on iPads

competition like Wisconsin putting up style points on Indiana. Sixteen freakin’ megabytes per second! This is with about a hundred beautiful MacBooks, iMacs, iPhones, iPads, and iWantOnes blinging their Applelicious magic all at the same time. That is one serious commitment to me watching college football at the speed of college football. Thanks Steve and you geeky redshirted Geniuses, you get another year of eligibility from me.

Well, great as the technology of the viewing experience was, I wish I could say the same about the games.

  • Oh sure, Oklahoma beat Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship Game 23-20 in a fourth quarter that featured one field goal. Unfortunately, it was good so there wasn’t even a Brotzmanish[2] ending.
  • Cam Newton accounted for six boring touchdowns as the Old Ball Coach’s game plan on defense was to drop everybody into coverage, affording Newton enough time in the pocket to do his taxes. He’ll need the time, especially if he decides to turn more-pro.
  • Oregon did surprise me though. Their uniform combination, apparently number 323 of 512[3], was a charmingly understated and

    Tasteful, Yet Effective Game Plan

    surprisingly tasteful combination of steel grey pants and helmets, drop shadow grey numbers and jauntily aggressive spread duckwings on chalk white, teasing over and caressing the shoulder pad. Though likely not a natural fiber, the Nike thread count appeared to be very high and the applique sheen so often seen in the numbers, resulting in a tawdry crepe de chine look, seems to have been avoided. I daresay it was handled with sufficient aplomb by the event staff to well acquit even a Coco Chanel Big Ten team. They won the game easily enough to not get them too dirty so maybe, with the right detergent and some Febreze, they can wear this combination again in about twenty years. I’m sure they have spreadsheets to track and schedule the various combinations. Preparations for next season’s uniform laying-out on the bed the night before game ceremonies now avoid the numerous “so…what are you wearing?” calls from LaMichael James to Jeremy Maehle since they are now handled by the Department of Mathematics[4]

  • USC beat UCLA 28-14 in what the radio announcers referred to as “the Los Angeles City Championship Game”. Holy Mater Dei[5], how lovely it is to see the Trojans fall from BCS grace to local interest. I can now gladly inform the USC players and coaches that should they want to watch any bowl games this year that the Apple Store would be a good choice.
  • So with the “Division 1” (formerly 1-AA) playoffs already in the second round, I’m left with one burning question after the Delaware Blue Hens’ 42-20 win over Lehigh. Are the women’s teams at Delaware named the Lady Blue Hens?

I want to know and have emailed the Athletic Director, Mr. Bernard Muir, at athletics-dir@udel.edu I’ll post his response but, judging by his picture, he looks like a friendly guy so you might want to email him yourself. My email to him is as follows:

Dear Mr. Muir,

I write a blog often featuring college football whimsy. I actually have followed Delaware Blue Hens football since the days of their games with the Penguins of Youngstown State  and have always wondered one thing: are your women’s teams named “the Lady Blue Hens”? If so, what does the English Department have to say about this glaring redundancy? Or the Women’s Studies Department if there is one, let alone the Biology people? I’m sure I could ask them, but instead of opening a can of worms, I’ll await your answer should you have time to respond, what with playoffs and all and the hoopla following the big win over Lehigh yesterday.

Congratulations and Keep on Cluckin’!

Sincerely,

Joe Bodolai

Next time: Season in Review and Bowl Preview, just like a real sports blog.


[1] Namath famously did a TV commercial for Beautymist Pantyhose in 1974 after admitting that he and several other Jets players wore them in a game to help keep their legs warm and silky smooth-looking for the benefit of the then new breed of female sports reporter and potential drag queen defensive backs.

[2] I refer, of course, to the tragic pair of missed field goals by Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman which led to his team losing a chance to play in a major bowl game in last week’s overtime loss to Nevada. More on this can be found in the experience of fellow Boise resident Bill Buckner, leading some residents to refer to Boise as “City of Goats”.

[3] Figures are for possible combinations possible in 2009 season. For a game-by-game analysis of the Ducks’ uniforms literally game by game, see ducktracker.com, a site notorious for pissing off actual hunters.

[4] The West Coast Algebraic Topology Summer School will take place at the University of Oregon 8–15 August 2010.

The Workshop on Operator Algebras and Conformal Field Theory will take place at the University of Oregon 16–21 August 2010. Rumour has it could be a bloodbath.

It is clear from the above agenda that it has not been decided if the long-overdue issue of different fonts for the uniform numbers will be even discussed, leaving the Ducks’ uniforms with their crude and simple graphic numerical treatment at present.

[5] The traditional Los Angeles high school powerhouse lost their playoff game to Mission Viejo yesterday, 42-21. For those of you who don’t speak Latin or hail from Latin America, Mater Dei means “mother of God”, which is what fans said about UCLA’s defense.

NCAA Explains Newton’s Law

December 3, 2010 3 comments

“Too Talented to be Ineligible Until After Career Over Rule” is Applied to Auburn Star

Promises to Return Heisman

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved.

Auburn Star Cam Newton Displaying Skills Learned in his Advanced Autograph Signing Course at Auburn

The NCAA has declared that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton had not violated any rules and is cleared to play in the SEC championship game against South Carolina and Auburn’s possible national championship match as well. Newton’s father Cecil had actively “shopped” his son to various college football programs apparently without his son’s knowledge, which the NCAA considers a) okay and b) the slightest bit believable. There is clearly more under the surface here and I suspect it will surface next year. I have to say, when everything is said and done, Cam Newton will probably have to return the Heisman, which he is certainly going to win and keep for a while on the new Netfilx-inspired trophy program pioneered by Reggie Bush.

Cecil Newton is a pastor at the Holy Zion Center of Deliverance (sic) and it is not known what message he will deliver to his flock in his next sermon. He may well want to offer a private message of thanks to his unnamed and generous savior, as he has also may have benefited from a miraculous infusion of  unknown cash to repair his Holy Zion Center which was on the verge of being condemned. Fortunately for the elder Newton, who, according to msnbc, “owns” four other churches along with a construction company, which was apparently available and able in the nick of time to finance god’s work with what I hope is some sweet new aluminum siding.

The ruling follows several other NCAA crackdowns on illegal practices to be ignored or shoved under the rug until the athlete’s college career is

Checks for Cam Newton's Services Go Directly to God

over. Normal NCAA and New York Athletic Club practice also allows a player to receive and keep the Heisman Trophy for several years until he signs a lucrative NFL deal and then must return it. Newton has already agreed to return the trophy in 2013, when Auburn will be hit with sanctions such as those retroactively imposed on USC.

NCAA President Mark Emmert explained “we don’t want to punish a star student-athlete (sic) during his college career if he can guarantee us high TV ratings and bigger bowl payouts. We usually wait until he ‘graduates’ and then we impose sanctions on the new student-athletes who can’t become famous because their program has sanctions. It’s a win-win, except for the kids of course.”

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! has obtained a copy of the rule, devised by celebrated number cruncher  Sir Isaac Newton,  (Cambridge ’69) which states:

“”Lex III: Actioni contrariam semper et æqualem esse reactionem: sive corporum duorum actiones in se mutuo semper esse æquales et in partes contrarias dirigi.”

This law is also explained as “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”, or in recruiting terms, “for every hand offering cash there is another hand accepting it.

This is mathematically expressed as follows:

Where F equals the sum of dollars paid divided by dollars taken, or alternatively dollars times multiple violations divided by dollars taken. The details of the ruling were not explained to Auburn because, Emmert explained, “they’re an SEC school so they wouldn’t understand it. Besides,  at this point in the academic year, they are focusing on letting everybody know about their speed.”

The University of Mississippi, which was offered the younger Newton’s services first for a reported $180,000 but declined due to ethical considerations, is now reportedly kicking itself in their rebel ass.

UPDATE: Radio Host Interview can be heard here.