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Watching College Football? You Can Take Hooters, I’m at the Apple Store

My College Football Mobile Viewing Choices Enliven a Boring Saturday.

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

I had quite a choice to make about where to watch the final weekend of college football’s “regular season”. Sure it’s nice to watch in HD and sports bars are an obvious choice. But when it comes to college football, HD and big screens everywhere you look is just not enough for me. I need to have live stats, updates tracking of other games, the odd video highlight, texts from my buddies, or just read the comments on Lee Corso’s headgear. So my iPhone is crucial.

The Hooters "Front Four"...Or Eight

The two best places for the online college football viewing experience where I am (Santa Monica) came down to, you guessed it, Hooters or the Apple Store. Hooters, of course, is an obvious choice. You go there for one thing: bandwith. Of course, the wide choice of games and the friendly staff is also great, even if it wasn’t packed with fans of the Temple Owls as I assumed judging by their name. The impressively-cantilevered waitstaff even go to lengths most girls wouldn’t these days, such as wearing hideously shiny pantyhose, presumably in honor of Joe Namath and the ’67 Jets[1]. Compared to, say, Starbucks or Barney’s Beanery around the corner, Hooters’ bandwidth chest bumps them by a few cup sizes, about six mbps to around two for the various neighbourhood bean merchants. So while I’m staring at a pair of 44s, and I mean those gorgeous monitors, with Oregon and Oregon State’s gaudy uniforms taxing the pixeldance in front of me, I can watch Auburn-South Carolina on the way to the restroom. My iPhone 4 has it in glorious high-resolution video without buffering. Yep, I’m pretty much the nerdiest guy at Hooters. Then I realize that pretty much any guy in Hooters is a nerd, especially the guy doing a chicken dance because it’s his birthday and they somehow found out. When it comes to pure bandwith, however, it’s no contest. The Apple Store dusts the

Fans at the Apple Store Glued to the Action on iPads

competition like Wisconsin putting up style points on Indiana. Sixteen freakin’ megabytes per second! This is with about a hundred beautiful MacBooks, iMacs, iPhones, iPads, and iWantOnes blinging their Applelicious magic all at the same time. That is one serious commitment to me watching college football at the speed of college football. Thanks Steve and you geeky redshirted Geniuses, you get another year of eligibility from me.

Well, great as the technology of the viewing experience was, I wish I could say the same about the games.

  • Oh sure, Oklahoma beat Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship Game 23-20 in a fourth quarter that featured one field goal. Unfortunately, it was good so there wasn’t even a Brotzmanish[2] ending.
  • Cam Newton accounted for six boring touchdowns as the Old Ball Coach’s game plan on defense was to drop everybody into coverage, affording Newton enough time in the pocket to do his taxes. He’ll need the time, especially if he decides to turn more-pro.
  • Oregon did surprise me though. Their uniform combination, apparently number 323 of 512[3], was a charmingly understated and

    Tasteful, Yet Effective Game Plan

    surprisingly tasteful combination of steel grey pants and helmets, drop shadow grey numbers and jauntily aggressive spread duckwings on chalk white, teasing over and caressing the shoulder pad. Though likely not a natural fiber, the Nike thread count appeared to be very high and the applique sheen so often seen in the numbers, resulting in a tawdry crepe de chine look, seems to have been avoided. I daresay it was handled with sufficient aplomb by the event staff to well acquit even a Coco Chanel Big Ten team. They won the game easily enough to not get them too dirty so maybe, with the right detergent and some Febreze, they can wear this combination again in about twenty years. I’m sure they have spreadsheets to track and schedule the various combinations. Preparations for next season’s uniform laying-out on the bed the night before game ceremonies now avoid the numerous “so…what are you wearing?” calls from LaMichael James to Jeremy Maehle since they are now handled by the Department of Mathematics[4]

  • USC beat UCLA 28-14 in what the radio announcers referred to as “the Los Angeles City Championship Game”. Holy Mater Dei[5], how lovely it is to see the Trojans fall from BCS grace to local interest. I can now gladly inform the USC players and coaches that should they want to watch any bowl games this year that the Apple Store would be a good choice.
  • So with the “Division 1” (formerly 1-AA) playoffs already in the second round, I’m left with one burning question after the Delaware Blue Hens’ 42-20 win over Lehigh. Are the women’s teams at Delaware named the Lady Blue Hens?

I want to know and have emailed the Athletic Director, Mr. Bernard Muir, at athletics-dir@udel.edu I’ll post his response but, judging by his picture, he looks like a friendly guy so you might want to email him yourself. My email to him is as follows:

Dear Mr. Muir,

I write a blog often featuring college football whimsy. I actually have followed Delaware Blue Hens football since the days of their games with the Penguins of Youngstown State  and have always wondered one thing: are your women’s teams named “the Lady Blue Hens”? If so, what does the English Department have to say about this glaring redundancy? Or the Women’s Studies Department if there is one, let alone the Biology people? I’m sure I could ask them, but instead of opening a can of worms, I’ll await your answer should you have time to respond, what with playoffs and all and the hoopla following the big win over Lehigh yesterday.

Congratulations and Keep on Cluckin’!


Joe Bodolai

Next time: Season in Review and Bowl Preview, just like a real sports blog.

[1] Namath famously did a TV commercial for Beautymist Pantyhose in 1974 after admitting that he and several other Jets players wore them in a game to help keep their legs warm and silky smooth-looking for the benefit of the then new breed of female sports reporter and potential drag queen defensive backs.

[2] I refer, of course, to the tragic pair of missed field goals by Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman which led to his team losing a chance to play in a major bowl game in last week’s overtime loss to Nevada. More on this can be found in the experience of fellow Boise resident Bill Buckner, leading some residents to refer to Boise as “City of Goats”.

[3] Figures are for possible combinations possible in 2009 season. For a game-by-game analysis of the Ducks’ uniforms literally game by game, see ducktracker.com, a site notorious for pissing off actual hunters.

[4] The West Coast Algebraic Topology Summer School will take place at the University of Oregon 8–15 August 2010.

The Workshop on Operator Algebras and Conformal Field Theory will take place at the University of Oregon 16–21 August 2010. Rumour has it could be a bloodbath.

It is clear from the above agenda that it has not been decided if the long-overdue issue of different fonts for the uniform numbers will be even discussed, leaving the Ducks’ uniforms with their crude and simple graphic numerical treatment at present.

[5] The traditional Los Angeles high school powerhouse lost their playoff game to Mission Viejo yesterday, 42-21. For those of you who don’t speak Latin or hail from Latin America, Mater Dei means “mother of God”, which is what fans said about UCLA’s defense.

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