College Football Stories You Don’t Need to Read


I’ve Summarized them for You

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

With college football’s second season starting in a matter of days, I’m sure fans are probably too busy brushing up on Bruce Feldman’s picks for the big bowl games to have noticed these stories on the sleepy final Saturday of the regular season. The original articles are too long and don’t even have footnotes, like mine, so I’ll just give you the dinner party synopses with which you can tantalize your friends. Just add a “did you hear…” in front of any of the headlines and then just add the handy conversational summary. Oh, the hours of fun you’ll have impressing people who seem on the surface not to care. They will probably appear moreso to cover the shame of their ignorance, so don’t let that stop you from dropping these newsy nuggets.

MOUNT UNION CHALLENGES BOISE STATE: “ANYTIME, ANYWHERE”

The most dominant program in college football, Division III Mount Union Purple Raiders defeated Bethel today 34-14, ensuring their sixth consecutive trip to the Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl for the national championship. Head coach Larry Kehres commented after the game “we’re so totally like bored with this. We should play Boise State, who have been ducking us. Let’s see if the big boys want to play us, anytime, anywhere. I hear they have blue turf and wear blue uniforms as camoflage. Clever. But we wear purple. Ha!”

JOINT CHIEF OF STAFF CALLS FOR “NEW WAR” TO HELP ARMY FOOTBALL – FORGET NFL DRAFT “WE NEED A REAL DRAFT”

“Let’s face it,” said General George Casey, “Army’s just not getting the athletes that a USC or an Auburn can get. With

Gen. Casey Wants Army Back to Glory Days of Wars, Draft

cutbacks, we just don’t have the money. We need more defense spending. And on special teams too. I think it will take a new war, a big one, and a reinstatement of conscription to get the athletes and get Army football back to where it was in the glory days of the big wars,” he stated after Army lost its ninth straight game to their rival Boat People, their longest losing streak since the days of the Army-Vietnam rivalry of the 60’s and 70’s.

YOU GO GIRLS! BLUE HENS KEEP ON CLUCKIN’

The Delaware Blue Hens, one of the rare college football teams with a female-specific nickname[1], defeated some other team today to move into the

Gender= bending Butch Hen Scares Delaware Rivals

Division 1-AA semifinals. The university is applauded for its equal treatment of men’s and women’s teams, as stated in an effusive personal email[2] to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! after last week’s query. Athletic Director Bernard Muir replied and was nice enough to thank me for my interest in University of Delaware football. More than I can say for Rich Rodriguez.


[1] A rude, ignorant, lowbrow sort of person might say “along with the Wolverines and Trojans”, but I would never indulge in such trash talk or insult women.

[2] Mr. Bodolai,

All teams, men’s and women’s are referred to as “Blue Hens.”

Thank you for your interest in the University of Delaware.

Sincerely,

Bernard Muir

  1. December 20, 2010 at 11:58 am

    I applaud the University of Delaware’s wisdom in choosing to name their teams after the fairer sexed gallus domesticus. I understand that more manly men would have preferred Delaware Blue Cocks, but that doesn’t quite sit right with me.

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