Home > Comedy and Satire > Arianna Huffington Pledges to End World Shortage of Top Ten Lists

Arianna Huffington Pledges to End World Shortage of Top Ten Lists

Third World Especially Hard Hit by Lack of Hack TV, Magazine Writers, HuffPo Fills Void

By Joe Bodolai ©  2010, All rights reserved

It’s Top Ten Time of the Year when the media amps up their pointed decimalian insight to recap the year gone by. This rigorous scientific and critical analysis has been with us since at least the middle of the last century;[1]yet it is still in its infancy. A Google search turned up only 9,130,000 top ten lists available on the internet today, meaning that there is approximately only one for every 650 people on earth[2]. To illustrate the scarcity of these lists, there are approximately 600 million cars in the world[3] or closer to one per ten humans, a fact that may be coincidence or perhaps divine symmetry. While only a small percentage of cars can accommodate ten people, a top ten list can easily handle a number so large that science has yet to determine its magnitude.

The work done in this regard by David Letterman’s writers is surpassed only by the Huffington Post, whose staggering daily output of unoriginal ideas has inspired thousands of slavishly imitative magazine and newspaper writers over the last several decades. These mundane exercises in mundane decimalian simulated insight include such gems as “America’s Hottest Homeless Restrooms” and “Top Ten Places to Eat Salad.”

Experts, okay me, have long suggested that top ten lists may be reaching or have reached their point of total saturation in the United States and Canada. Here in the United States we are flush with them, choking on them, perhaps to the point of nausea, or what researchers[4] have termed “decimalian intoxication”.  Yet, they are relatively scarce in the rest of the world, “where they really no having much thing like that”, said Dix 这,  the noted Chinese Supradixologist. “They needing more peoples with imitates skill not originating , like U.S. Americans idea copying peoples. Please forgive I hit your car.”

As a public service to the rest of the world, I have compiled a list of as yet uncreated or probably already done top ten lists and translated their titles with the help of Google Translate[5], each in a different language. I hope they can assist scholars in the poor unfortunate Rest of the World to create these much-needed methods of better understanding the complexities of our world. Readers caring to donate can send their lists to me as I would never stoop to such a hack technique as posting yet another Top Ten List. Five maybe…

1.     French : Top dix lignes de ramassage des activités terroristes (Top Ten Terrorist Pickup Lines

2.     Lithuanian: Populiariausi Kalėdinės dovanos Rasta Willie Nelson’s Beard (Top Ten Christmas Gifts Found in Willie Nelson’s Beard)

3.     Swedish: Top Ten Tiger Woods smeknamn för Hans Putter (Top Ten Tiger Woods Nicknames for His Putter)

4.     Hebrew: דרכים עשרת להסתיר נשק גרעיני במכנסיים שלך (Top Ten Ways To Hide Nuclear Weapons in Your Pants[6])

5.     Estonian: Kümme Numbers eufemisme jaoks rinnad TSA Sorterid (Top Ten Euphemisms for Breasts by TSA Screeners)

[1] I have no idea when top ten lists began, but certainly well before David Letterman, but this footnote is really to show off my nice use of a semicolon.

[2] This includes all the foreign countries, which is a lot.

[3] I got the numbers from somewhere. I forget where.

[4] Me, Myself, and I Associates

[5] And their crack CIA staff

[6] If by “your pants” I mean Dimona, site of Israel’s secret illegal nuclear facility

Categories: Comedy and Satire
  1. March 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Finally someone addresses the decimation of top ten lists. It’s been a long time coming. Some suggest countries outside of the U.S. are the square root of one hundred times less likely to have “meaningfully banal” lists of any type.

    Turns out “decimalian intoxication” is a serious condition, my wife recently suggested the Kardashian girls are suffering from it.

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