Archive

Archive for January, 2011

Tiny-Island-Invading Ignorant Burger-Loving iPhone Thieves

January 29, 2011 3 comments

In Which I Find Out Yet More Depressing Stuff About America

By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved.

On my way to the homeless restrooms, or as I used to call it, “the Los Angeles Central library”, I was listening to yet another

Grenadan Communist Enslaving Mediocre U.S. Medical Students Finally Stopped by Heroic U.S.Invasion

podcast of WBEZ Chicago’s CBC-Radio style program This American Life on my new iPhone. The show included documenting the weapons-grade bullshit foisted on fifth graders visiting the Reagan Library, one perhaps in which the homeless do not feel as welcome as they might in the comfortable crack den appointed facilities on Flower Street, conveniently located just blocks from Skid Row. The excrementality of the Reagan docent included making sure the visiting students knew that the invasion of the tiny island of Grenada[1] under The Great Man’s Commander-in-Chiefiness was to prevent an unholy communist alliance in our own hemisphere – Grenada, Cuba, and Nicaragua (!) – teaming up to invade the USA and turn children just like them into evil communist slaves. “In communism, when you have a job,” she rhetorically asks, “who gets to keep the money?” Apparently, “the communists” do. Since it was previously recorded, I was unable to ask, “in America, if you don’t have a job, who gets to keep the money?” That’s easy.  “The Americans do.” Wall Street, bankers, and other thieves and criminals like the guy who stole my iPhone that I used to listen to this show. I suspect it was the Marseilles-style pickpocket who jostled me then quickly disappeared into the bustling commerce of Guatemala City North on 6th & Wilshire as I was in line to board the rolling virus and spewed-menudo can called the 720 bus.

For the better part of my life, having the equivalent of a new iPhone was just something normal. No worry about the expense, it was just another Apple gadget I might have adopted early with the passion of an Angelina Jolie. Now, however, jobless and pretty close to homeless these days, the handheld computer/entertainment center which had bonus telephonic capability was my connection to the professional middle class world that seemed so far away. (I’m aware that I still have my computer, email, the internet, and this blog to feel part of the world, but with no internet access where I supposedly “live”, and, for those of you who also like to feel part of the larger world, it’s my own private Idahell, a Pelican Bay on info lockdown.)

Have You Seen My iPhone? It Looks Like This, but With Way Cooler Apps

Later, iBereft, I was seated at a counter in the library café, where next to me two gentlemen have come into a conversation over their own iPhones. After exchanging the usual verbal business cards (much like dogs sniffing each other in the…. park) and the establishment of each other’s 16 or 32-giggishness and 3G/iPhone 4 cred, the subject of one man’s accent is finally broached. Now the accent in question was not the speech and accent so common to the mouth-breathingly stupid of the guy in the sagging bizarre-brand jeans, the SouthPole wearing, tatted-up Lakers Fan but the accent of the other guy, who looked and dressed like Eminem and spoke with a French accent. It was, in fact, a Belgian accent. What follows is a word-for-wordish account of some of their conversation:

Lakers Fan: What kind of accent is that?

Belgian Guy: Me? I am from Belgium.

Lakers Fan: No shit. What you doing up here?

(NOTE: “Up here?” Where exactly does he think Belgium is?)

Belgian Guy: I am with my girlfriend. We are visiting.

Lakers Fan: From Belgian (sic)?

Belgian Guy: Yes. It is very nice. Warm. Where I am from it is rain and cold.

Lakers Fan: So what language you speak over there?

Belgian Guy: Where I am from we speak French.

Lakers Fan: Oh, you French?

Belgian Guy: Belgian. I am from Belgium.

Lakers Fan: And you speak French too. Cool.  I got some Spanish but don’t talk it. You speak Spanish too[2]?

Belgian Guy: I am learning. My girlfriend, she is Spanish.

Lakers Fan: Mexican chicks are hot.

Belgian Guy: I meet her on a beach. Very warm. 30 degrees.

Lakers Fan: Excuse me?

Belgian Guy: Very warm. 30 degrees hot.

Lakers Fan: Mine’s hot too. Let me ask you something, okay? I seen on TV that over there French people don’t say “quarter pounder with cheese”. Right?

Belgian Guy: I do not understand.

Lakers Fan: McDonalds. You know. McDonalds. Quarter pounder.

Belgian Guy: Yes, McDonalds.

Lakers Fan: You say a “Royale with cheese”. Like they showed on TV.

Belgian Guy: Excuse me?

Lakers Fan: At McDonalds.

Belgian Guy: Yes, McDonalds.

Lakers Fan: You don’t say “quarter pounder with cheese”?

Belgian Guy: No, I do not think so.

Lakers Fan:  You say “Royale with cheese”. The metric system?

Belgian Guy: Ah, yes.

Lakers Fan: So let me ask you something then.

Belgian Guy: Yes.

Lakers Fan: How do you know you’re actually getting a quarter pounder?

Aside from the fact that this snippet of reality reveals the same kind of immediate distrust of anything foreign and flat out

Average Wall Street Bonus Paid: $430,000. Imagine if they actually did something productive!

revelry in ignorance shown by the Reagan Library tour guide, the thing that really galled me was simply – this guy had an iPhone and I didn’t!  I asked him “how do you like your iPhone?” It’s awesome, yadda yadda doo. He could get me one too. He knows a guy, the guy he took his to, who could hook me up, jailbreak one for me. He gets them all the time. “Where’d you get yours?” I asked. You guessed it: he stole it!

The average “bonus” paid to Wall Street bankers last year was $430,000. I’m sure they all have iPhones too.


[1] The invasion of this tiny island was perhaps the last great United States military victory, a “five-star resort of a war”, code named “Operation Urgent Fury” and relates in this context to the homeless library patrons’ rush for the entrance immediately upon opening.

[2] Perhaps the man assumes that, like Los Angeles, Belgium is also full of Mexicans like everywhere else on earth. Or possibly that Belgium is actually in Mexico.

For another look at chronic ignorance and blathering philistinism unmasked go to Townie Planet.

Tea Party’s Mad Hatter Serves Up Idiot Sandwich

January 25, 2011 1 comment

By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved

Mad Hatter Bachmann Outlines Foreign Policy in Response to Obama Corporate Video

Republican Tea Party Hostess Michelle Bachmann (hailed by the gals at Jezebel as “the Miles Davis of Idiocy”)  extended her rhetorical pinky as she served up her social group’s serving of idea sandwiches with crusts cut off last night in response to President Obama’s waste of time platitude festival featuring a large cast of applauding extras, cost of which was apparently paid for by Israel and major banks. Bachmann, however, went into stomach-turning overdrive. She invoked the image of Marines hoisting the flag at Iwo Jima as somehow related to her self-image in what must truly be the delusional March Hare Madness playoff pukefest in the parking lot party in her head. As a public service, I have processed the image through the Say It Ain’t So, Joe! TruthMachine to more accurately visually represent her free-form jazzy smacked out Miles Davis idiocy:

AIPAC Foreign Policy to Provide Jobs for U.S., McRibs for McWorld

My view on the state of the Obama Presidency are more thoroughly outlined from this article after his first year in office:

“What if Obama Had Won the Election?”

Note: I did not create the image above. It was sent to me with a series of found images. If anyone knows the creator, I wish to credit and thank her or him.

Torture? Murder? Is This The America We Want in the World?

January 23, 2011 2 comments

Treatment of Detainees No Different Than the Worst of Totalitarian Dictators. Do We Need to Do This?

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

Reality Commemorating America

I saw the article quoted below on CNN this morning. It’s been no surprise to me and the image above is something I wanted to point out since the postage rate was 37 cents back in the Bush Administration:

Washington (CNN) — New documents obtained by the American Civil Liberties Union show “unjustified homicide” of detainees and concerns about the condition of confinement in U.S.-run prisons in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay, according to the ACLU.
Thousands of documents detailing the deaths of 190 U.S. detainees were released by the ACLU on Friday. The U.S. military gave the ACLU the documents earlier in the week as a result of a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) lawsuit filed by the rights group.
Among the documents are autopsy reports and military investigations, including 25 to 30 cases the ACLU says it believes are “unjustified homicide.” Some of the homicides in the documents are widely known and have been reported in the media, such as the case of four Iraqi detainees executed by a group of U.S. soldiers and then pushed into a Baghdad canal in 2007.

Okay. That says “homicide”! Enough already. President Obama has not changed anything in this regard from the Bush Administration. Do you think the guy you voted for won the election? I’m not so sure. I wrote the article at the link below a year after his inauguration. Things have only gotten worse.

What if Obama Had Won the Election?

Does Twitter Reveal Your Personality?

January 22, 2011 3 comments

Unfortunately, It Probably Does. And I Hate Way Too Many People Now.

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

First it was email, then the Nigerian email scammers found me looking for apartments. Now I am followed on Twitter only by people trying to sell me crap or tell me I can “speak to Lady Gaga” (no kidding) if I just click on their links. Aside from the obvious spammers there are now lots of self-involved people on Twitter. What a bunch of pseudo witty, self-important assholes. And now one of them is me.I simply had to take to the Twittersphere to announce this moments after I heard the news:

Or maybe I just have a lot of old people as friends...

Twitter, for those of you who don’t know or care, is a messaging method whereby anyone can post messages up to 140 characters in length. (I pride myself in messages of exactly 140 characters in length). As you may have read here from me earlier, it’s now possible to read Twitter versions of great novels.

Not a Reason to Kill Myself, Just Aim Lower, A Lot Lower

I heard Snooki’s new novel was coming to Twitter but to save the trouble of clicking on anything else, here’s an excerpt from her novel, which, amazingly, is identical to an excerpt from her navel:

“Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

“Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

The delightful alliteration of “road ‘roid rage” must have delighted this novelist’s novel writer in a delightfully delightful way. I hope she explained it to Snooki after the pint-sized poofed putain got released from jail for her latest drunken bush-in-the bush bushcapade. (Don’t worry if you don’t understand it. You’d have to actually watch Jersey Shore and endure an hour of holding in your vomit. Thankfully, I don’t have to. My friends, the gals at Jezebel will break it down for you and much more.)

You can learn a lot about people by reading their “tweets” (god, the word disgusts me just to type it, let alone say it). If you can, then I think I really can live without ever meeting Judd Apatow. He’s the director of the 90-Minutes of dick jokes and two minutes of comedy in Funny People and apparently had Steve Carrell write The 40 Year-old Virgin “with” him (I would say “for” him but you already know that. ) He was tweeting like a mother*&#@er during The Golden Globes in a masterful ass-covering unfunny namedropping glibfest in which he let us know, should important people be offended, that he didn’t like Ricky Gervais either:

Get it?

And, since he was hosting the PGA (Producers Guild Awards) it was important for him to note that he is, in all likelihood, available to direct.

Judd Apatow Shows His Auteur Side

Remember, Judd Apatow is a Hollywood big shot, and, in case you didn’t know, gets “tweeted” by “stars”, such as last year’s Preakness Winner, Khloe Lardasshian:

Judd Apatow Knows Celebrities!

Stablemate sister and more visibly endowed Kim must have seen it and had to hipcheck little sister out of the way with her hockey padded ass to give us this fustercluck of celebritage in a lethal dose of Apatow-Kardashian-Bieberocity. Feel merely mortal yet?

You Can Read This But Stay Behind My Imaginary Velvet Rope Losers!

Well, I don’t follow only celebritards. I follow other cool people like @RosanneCash, @SusanOrlean, @AndyKindler, along with really funny and smart Canadians @someMarkFarrell and @ScottFeschuk, and a few people who you might also want to check out –like somebody I discovered during the Golden Globes, Suzy Soro under the name @hotcomestodie and finally, don’t miss, jokemachine @BrentPiaskoski. Tell me these aren’t funny quick reads:

And I paid full price the day before!

One I Wish I Had Thought of And I Haven

But if you think smart people I admire aren’t above a little self-serving tweetage either, the great real novelist Margaret Atwood offered this:

Margaret, I Didn't Know You Went to Harvard! You don't say!

Now following individuals on Twitter is, I guess, okay and you could have some sort of excuse for that. But following corporations? What kind of pathetic lackey of our sad sick culture are you to need instant tweets from The Gap or Starbucks? WTF do you want to know? Okay, I understand if you’re like me and it’s important:

I

Okay, go check out Brent and Suzy. They’re funny. And you will have fun following people you may think you know in a new “I think I know them” way. Oh, damn. I forgot to mention the search terms: TSA, college football, naked, cheerleaders, and… oh, I did mention Snooki and Lady Gaga. It’s second nature now. Now click on links to the right and read about Sarah below:

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Welcome to Sarahville: Here’s the One-Woman Show Sarah Hyland

January 7, 2011 1 comment

“Am I Right Ladies?” Enters Menopause. Get the #*% Outta the Way for New Female Comedy!

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

Sarah Hyland has star quality and unlimited potential!” — Barry Garron, Hollywood Reporter

If you like Bridesmaids, meet Sarah Hyland. Her characters include La’Sarah! Not only do we have 3 Million Views on YouTube, there are so many imitators, she’s now classified as a “public figure”. It’s Queen La’Sarah!

Supermodel Hot and also Superfunny

Sarah Hyland is one of the funniest people I have ever had the good fortune to work with. This includes some of the world’s top comedians, including working with Mike Myers in the early writing and developing Wayne’s World, and many more on SNL and that includes major male stars such as Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, and more. I’m tired of hearing that women can’t be “funny like a dude” or that “hot girls aren’t funny.” Watch these videos to see how wrong those sayings are. She is as funny as anyone on the planet. Her ass-kicking improv talent is featured on my YouTube Channel highlighted by the hilarious and original queen “LaSarah”. Kristen Wiig and the girls in Bridesmaids are all hilarious and Sarah is more than their equal and has a range of characters that could fill every role in this movie. If Bridesmaidscan kick open the doors to a wider range of women in comedy and away from the “am I right, ladies?” standard standup, then it should also kick the decision makers in their teenboy nut$ack and make way for Sarah. Here’s a short sample of her crackling quick fearless improv skills, featuring Sarah portraying her version of her mum Gail on the loose in Hollywood, running into a man with an extremely large…

Shit yeah, here’s “Kentucky Lightning”. She’s got a kick like moonshine and a tongue like… well, like her tongue. Here’s Kentucky Lightning working it out at UCLA.

Oh, and any of you searching for “girl on girl” action”, thanks for ending up here sleazeballs. Below is one of my favourite videos with her. This is not two different girls; Sarah plays both roles, because Kentucky Loves Sarah:

“She’s in the league of Eddie Murphy (in his hey day), Dave Chappelle, Lily Tomlin and Whoopi Goldberg when it comes to the difficult task of being able to be a brilliantly insane character actress AND a riveting stand-up comedian … and be able to get big laughs from both.” — Interlude Magazine

For more of Sarah’s hilarious comedy with these characters and more, along with a hundred more of my videos, go here — Now!

My YouTube Channel

Please copy and paste and send the link to this page to everybody who should know about Sarah: http://wp.me/pKBYM-q8

And go to Sarah’s channel and send her your love. Lots more characters, a block-rockin’ LaSarah music video, and much more. Don’t miss it:

Sarah’s YouTube Channel

And for more about Sarah and to order some great merchandise personally autographed and sent with the love of all of her many personalities and characters go here. And don’t forget to take Sarah with you on your iPod or iPad or iPhone or iDon’tKnowWhat.

http://www.sarahhyland.com/

and read her new blog:

Sarah’s Blog, Daily Yum Yum

Joe

 

TSA Makes Lady Gaga Flash Her Nude Snooki to College Football Cheerleaders!

January 1, 2011 Leave a comment

Pointless Sensational Headline Optimized for Search Terms, Explained Below

By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved

Ambigutastic!

You Binged This Poof-Coiffed Guidette

I found out that I could see what search terms people used to find or happen across my blog. Surprisingly, it wasn’t “brilliant writing”, or “funny”, or “smart”. It was Snooki. Yes, people were on the prowl for something to read about the diminutive poofed guidette from a “reality” show called Jersey Shore. Immediately following in her spraytanned wake was the magnificent meatdress majesty of Lady Gaga, even more closely followed by those probing for TSA. I am not making this up. So I decided to combine this holy trinity of interest in things Say It Ain’t So, Joesian with my most popular subject, college football with a topping of always popular cheerleaders.

So, for those of you who have found your treasured word within, welcome. Unfortunately, I have no story or analysis to reward your googling or binging. Please feel free to combine these search terms in your imagination. Should this article somehow become my most read item, despite being empty of any insight, information, or entertainment, I will consider getting a lobotomy and dumbing down my life even more and apply for a job in internet SEO keyword marketing, or better yet, politics. Like the Obama Administration or the Tea Party, may you be rewarded with all sizzle, no steak.

Pedophiles, Priests Urged to Apply

In the meantime, should you have found your way here because you searched for me, I wish you a Happy New Year, filled with substance, joy, success, love, and peace for all.

Here are some of the articles that seemed to generate Snookified Gagalicious TSAhole probing during the past year:

Snooki to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Lady Gaga Admits “I’m Not A Hermaphrodite But That Would Be Cool!

TSA Introduces New “Hot or Not” Naked Body Scanners

TSA Recruiting Pedophiles on Craigslist for Holiday Travel Season