Unfortunately, It Probably Does. And I Hate Way Too Many People Now.
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved
First it was email, then the Nigerian email scammers found me looking for apartments. Now I am followed on Twitter only by people trying to sell me crap or tell me I can “speak to Lady Gaga” (no kidding) if I just click on their links. Aside from the obvious spammers there are now lots of self-involved people on Twitter. What a bunch of pseudo witty, self-important assholes. And now one of them is me.I simply had to take to the Twittersphere to announce this moments after I heard the news:
Twitter, for those of you who don’t know or care, is a messaging method whereby anyone can post messages up to 140 characters in length. (I pride myself in messages of exactly 140 characters in length). As you may have read here from me earlier, it’s now possible to read Twitter versions of great novels.
I heard Snooki’s new novel was coming to Twitter but to save the trouble of clicking on anything else, here’s an excerpt from her novel, which, amazingly, is identical to an excerpt from her navel:
“Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”
“Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”
The delightful alliteration of “road ‘roid rage” must have delighted this novelist’s novel writer in a delightfully delightful way. I hope she explained it to Snooki after the pint-sized poofed putain got released from jail for her latest drunken bush-in-the bush bushcapade. (Don’t worry if you don’t understand it. You’d have to actually watch Jersey Shore and endure an hour of holding in your vomit. Thankfully, I don’t have to. My friends, the gals at Jezebel will break it down for you and much more.)
You can learn a lot about people by reading their “tweets” (god, the word disgusts me just to type it, let alone say it). If you can, then I think I really can live without ever meeting Judd Apatow. He’s the director of the 90-Minutes of dick jokes and two minutes of comedy in Funny People and apparently had Steve Carrell write The 40 Year-old Virgin “with” him (I would say “for” him but you already know that. ) He was tweeting like a mother*&#@er during The Golden Globes in a masterful ass-covering unfunny namedropping glibfest in which he let us know, should important people be offended, that he didn’t like Ricky Gervais either:
And, since he was hosting the PGA (Producers Guild Awards) it was important for him to note that he is, in all likelihood, available to direct.
Remember, Judd Apatow is a Hollywood big shot, and, in case you didn’t know, gets “tweeted” by “stars”, such as last year’s Preakness Winner, Khloe Lardasshian:
Stablemate sister and more visibly endowed Kim must have seen it and had to hipcheck little sister out of the way with her hockey padded ass to give us this fustercluck of celebritage in a lethal dose of Apatow-Kardashian-Bieberocity. Feel merely mortal yet?
Well, I don’t follow only celebritards. I follow other cool people like @RosanneCash, @SusanOrlean, @AndyKindler, along with really funny and smart Canadians @someMarkFarrell and @ScottFeschuk, and a few people who you might also want to check out –like somebody I discovered during the Golden Globes, Suzy Soro under the name @hotcomestodie and finally, don’t miss, jokemachine @BrentPiaskoski. Tell me these aren’t funny quick reads:
But if you think smart people I admire aren’t above a little self-serving tweetage either, the great real novelist Margaret Atwood offered this:
Now following individuals on Twitter is, I guess, okay and you could have some sort of excuse for that. But following corporations? What kind of pathetic lackey of our sad sick culture are you to need instant tweets from The Gap or Starbucks? WTF do you want to know? Okay, I understand if you’re like me and it’s important:
Okay, go check out Brent and Suzy. They’re funny. And you will have fun following people you may think you know in a new “I think I know them” way. Oh, damn. I forgot to mention the search terms: TSA, college football, naked, cheerleaders, and… oh, I did mention Snooki and Lady Gaga. It’s second nature now. Now click on links to the right and read about Sarah below: