Joe Bodolai© Secedes from Union, Copyrights Self
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011 All rights reserved, especially from you America
“When voting makes no difference and oligarchs in service of a foreign power or greedy private interests continue to defraud and rob the country, I can no longer be part of it,” said Joe Bodolai, author of this sentence you are currently reading, in really serious-sounding wording. His brief but incredibly powerful chick magnet-like address on the steps of the Santa Monica Public Library was done without teleprompters and not with notes written on his hand.” I seek not conflict, but to end it and I hereby declare my sovereign territory extending to the fullest and exaggerationist outer boundaries of my body in whatever location I happen to be in, even if part of me is in someone else.”
He immediately copyrighted himself and his life and maintained “The United States will be in violation of that copyright should they use my name or images without the express written consent of Major League Baseball or myself on any document, such as tax or census forms or envelopes or even email spam I can assure you they will be met with the full fury of a team of C-average or better law students I have hired as interns from craigslist who will go all RIAA on their ass.”
“I have attempted conciliation with the US, but they have rejected talks.” Bodolai blamed the lack of response, returned phone calls, or other reaction to his numerous emails to friends or prospective American employers as “obvious attempts by the universe to isolate me from the family of nations or any other family,” but denied that his secession was involuntary. “I may be involuntarily retired, along with other former Americans, but, like them, I will not passively accept their government’s attempts to force us into abject poverty or subjugation. And, as a resolute Ohio State fan, I say, “On Wisconsin!”, Bodolai added, “and should they choose to join me as independent and sovereign, I will immediately dispatch myself as Ambassador to Ian’s Pizza in Madison, who provided much needed delicious world-famous mac & cheese pizza for the protesters there.”
Shortly after, the entire nation of Joe Bodolai turned out for the country’s first Presidential election with Joe Bodolai winning 100% of the vote. He was inaugurated in a brief ceremony at a local Starbucks where he pledged to end his country’s 100% unemployment rate.
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