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The Insanity of Kardashianity, Random Thoughts on a Devolving Culture

The Following Sentences May be Read in Any Order as Homage to Larry King

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

With Larry King’s departure from cable news and his entry into standup comedy, I will try to fill the void left by him as a columnist with randomness with some unresolved anger and whole bunch of  bewilderment.

If you’re following the “royal” wedding, help me out: what’s the income threshold where we stop calling inbreds “hillbillies” and have to say “your royal highness?”…I don’t know what I’d call her if I met her but you can’t go wrong with “Miss Gaga.” … She might just “bring a little too much gun for the hunt”… Gay guys: should I go with “Joe Fierce” or “Johnny Flawless?”… I’ve pretty much narrowed my options of avoiding homelessness to “marrying well”… Question for the ladies: After Patrick Swayze’s death, do you find yourself using your potter’s wheel a bit less?… I think I’m at that “awkward age”: I don’t feel old enough to hit on the mother, but don’t like

Women Using Potters Wheels Less Since Swayze Death

that “dirty old man” look for hitting on the daughter… Is it just me or does it seem like Pig Latin is a dead language too?… Hey, Department of Agriculture! I haven’t grown canola in years. Where’s my subsidy?… If you own the bait house on “To Catch a Predator”, does your real estate value go up or down?… Things Rihanna told me: “there’s a subtle difference being between being hit and hit on… You heard it here first: someday a focus group will win a screenwriting award… Those French doctors should be okay. They’re not Doctors without Barnes & Noble… Can’t help but wonder: what if the word “God” in the Bible is a typo?… “Oh my Gord?” Sure changes orgasms… I wish you would have told me: “Glee” is a comedy?… A. “never”. Q. When will the world have enough cat videos? … Definition of “gay”? an enigma wrapped in a Balenciaga… I think if Jeopardy wanted the humans to beat the computer, they

Most Questions About the Universe Finally Cleared Up in Gaga Video

would have used a Dell… Do zombies ever use the term “life of the party?”… If it were a sport: Madonna couldn’t carry Gaga’s jock…Try to say something bad about it: bacon…I don’t need to ask her: Snooki doesn’t have a “favorite Jane Austen novel.”… Hey eBay! Where is all the vintage Washington Generals memorabilia?… Guys, always a good excuse: “I just got outta the pool!”… They beat me to it: breast milk ice cream…. Miss Nicki Minaj: You may call it “Super Bass”, but the really smart people know you mean “Superb Ass”… You may not admit it but it’s true: some stock photo chicks are hot!… Who knew? The “A” in “A&E” used to stand for “”Arts”… Why has there never been a Pope named “Mel?”… Have to pass on “I Am Number Four”. I never saw “I Am Number Three”… You’re too old for show biz when: you think “Swifty” means Lazar not Taylor… Put this in the column marked “true”: nobody hot rides the bus…. Is it just me or is “afterparty” a little too close to “afterbirth”? … Religion can’t answer it: “who let the dogs out?”… I sometimes I wish I were rich enough to have my assets frozen – and topped with

Inflatable Semi-Sentient Polypropelene

whipped cream… I’m just keeping it real: 2011 Maybach smell like money to me lol, But ain’t shit unless equipped with Sleek by 50…. Rhetorical questions: Is the bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods?…. Was the Crucifixion just a “near death experience?” From what I read, dude was fine three days later… Maybe that’s why the Pope says the Jews didn’t “kill” Jesus. Soap operas do it all the time…I’m thinking of becoming a freestyle MC and bringin’ my mad flow to somewhere it will be appreciated… online… Brittney: “flash mob” is a group, not an item on your “to-do” list… Don’t ask me to invest in it: “Penis Reduction Clinic”… Do clowns drive those really tiny cars to compensate for their huge penises?…  And to end this on a serious analytical note about the state of semi-sentient meconium that is American mass culture today: After hearing her “song” released today, I am convinced that Kim Kardashian is either a slimy lump of infectious polypropelene and oily hair or a mentally deficient trained seal controlled by chimpanzees. Watching reality TV or even CNN means the terrorists have won.

THIS JUST IN: Rolling Stone now relaunches as cageliner housebreaking material — Snooki on the cover. Disturbance in the Force reported as Hendrix, Lennon, Cobain, Joplin spin in graves.


  1. Billy Harrell
    March 2, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Holy Smokes, Joe. You are friggin PISSED.

  2. Ashcroft M. Crandshall
    March 15, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    To leave a reply would be upstaging the kid from Cleveland.

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