“Corporate Person” Monsanto to Run For Senate


“When Corporations Control Government, Sure It’s Fascism, But Fascists Are People Too!”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserve

UPDATE: Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney Rumored to Be Considering Monsanto as Running Mate

The recent Supreme Court ruling giving corporations status as a ”person“ and the same “freedom of speech” (sic) rights as individuals and no limits on campaign spending, genetically-modified simulated food giant Monsanto has thrown its corporate hattage

the ring and declared itself and subsidiaries a candidate for the U.S. Senate seat in farm-rich Kansas.

Monsanto Senate Campaign spokesman Franklin N. Farmer finally revealed the company’s platform in this fall’s race for the U.S. Senate in Kansas. “It makes more sense, at least to those of us in the corporate world, than the (traditional fertilizer) coming out of individual politicians who are people and are costly and unreliable. Besides, we have some very attractive tax breaks. I mean, we don’t actually ‘pay’ taxes, so we can use that money where it does the most good — TV commercials done by our other friends who could use more tax breaks too.”  When asked to explain the platform, Farmerino explained “I don’t know how to make it more clear than to say what people say when they have to say: “it is what it is.”

Here is what it is:

At Monsanto, we understand how to monetize dynamically. Without vertical extensible implementation, you will lack platforms. Think 60/24/7/365. Think C2B2B. Think sexy. But don’t think all three at the same time. If all of this may seem estranging to you, that’s because it is! Do you have a plan of action to become subscriber-defined? Think out-of-the-boxcutter. Think backward-compatible. Think virally-distributed, innovative. But don’t think all three at the same time.

The subscriber communities factor can be summed up in one word: affiliate-based profitablity kickback.

Have you ever had to architect your 24/7 feature set? With one click? We will extend our aptitude to productize

Monsanto -- Turning People into Plastic

without decreasing our power to actualize. What do we engage? Anything and everything, regardless of unimportance! A company that can synthesize faithfully will (one day) be able to upgrade fiercely. We will incubate the term “scalable”. We frequently morph value-added, intuitive paradigms. That is a terrific achievement considering this fiduciary term’s market!

There’s only one choice: Vote Monsanto. But even if you don’t, we will way outspend our opponent.”

Many more corporations are expected to announce their candidacy in coming days and, in the words of Monsanto’s Farmerino, “we have our corporate eyes on the White House in 2012. Sure we have a foothold now, but this is just the beginning of a great new era for America. It’s simple.  Everybody eats what we make. You are what you eat. You children will made by us, so just call us Uncle Monsanto.”

  1. Billy Harrell
    March 18, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Good one, Joe
    I guess with the tsunami and nuclear issues, everyone is kind of looking the other way, if you know what I’m saying. I bet the really bad boys are moving their feet pretty quickly while the sheep are incapacitated by info overload. And yes, I agree that the idea of corporate personhood is about the boldest strike against the regular Joe ever undertaken.
    Let me know if you decide to “head east” if and when it starts cooking over on the left coast. I’ll put you up over here in Georgia. Yee Haw.
    Peace Out,
    Billy

  2. March 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Some of the best corporate speak I’ve seen. Throw in the phrases “best practices,” “value added,” plus “sustainable,” and we’d be talking about a charter school running as Monsanto’s congressional counterpart. Congressmen Green Dot and Senator Monsanto, please welcome President Goldman Sachs.

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