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Archive for April, 2011

British Tribal Leaders Expand Gene Pool in Bizarre Mating Ceremony

April 29, 2011 5 comments

Guest List Includes “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved.

Leaders of the once nomadic Saxe-Coburg and Gotha clan gathered in London today, joined by leaders of many of the the world’s other tribes, to wear their once-a-year jewelry stored in vaults in order to qualify for their tax deductions as “work apparel.” The little known deduction is a massive financial benefit as it transfers the taxes and most of the wealth of their “subjects” directly to them, an annual windfall of billions of pounds sterling, euros, land, and dead foxes. The festivities were highlighted by a lavish public display of ritual pre-coital foofoofery intended to stiffen more than the upper lips of the besieged tribe, desperately in need of stiffening of its weakening DNA strands. As the events are still unfolding, Say It Ain’t So, Joe! provides readers with some fast facts to annoy as much as inform:

Kate Middleton Appears To Realize that Her Childhood Dream of Becoming a Princess Comes with Oddly Dressed Idiots Controlling Her Life and Toilet Habits

Some facts:

The American equivalent of the British term “commoners” is “Kardashians”.

SAY IT AIN’T SO JOE! POLL: 96% of British Gays Would Choose to Replace House of Windsor with Haus of Gaga

Prince Harry Vows to Fulfill Role as Backup Heir by Getting Hammered and Nailing Hot Chicks

Many Americans With Sufficient Inbreeding Lack Income to move from status as “white trash hillbillies” to “your royal highness”.

Unlike the Marriage of Diana and Prince Charles, the Royal Family Cited “Sacrifice in Difficult Times” and Did Not Engage the Services of the Royal Hymen Inspector. Possibly Also Because He Was Found to be “Less Than Totally Gay”

The guest below shows that the parties would be enlivened by the usual Royal Festive bunch, especially the notorious Sophie of Wessex. Her reputation precedes her in this typo she will never live down but likely now richly deserves. “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex.”

Always Fun When Drunk, Princess Sophie was Expected to the Source of Many a Charming Anecdote

The day was not without tragedy, however, as the Daily Mail Copy Editor, responsible for the above schedule of events, was tragically killed in a mysterious high speed car crash in a Parisian tunnel.

Oh, by the way, While we were busy watching the ceremonies, the UK Government quietly announced a 37% cut in NHS funding.

"I'm not wearing underwear"

Miss Jamaica Keeps ‘Tings Ireal at Miss Universe PageantU

April 24, 2011 Leave a comment

When Miss Zimbabwe is White, Standards of Beauty Need Some Recalibration, But What’d She Say?

 By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

The Miss Universe Pageant is like a middle school cheerleader tryout and generally entertains us with a similar level of talent like baton twirling, American Idol audition screeching, and moving, passionate pleas for world peace coached by the off-screen pit crews of bimbo handlers. All the wheels come off when Maxine Livingston, Miss Jamaica, sashays onto the stage:

If you don’t understand patois, you’re missing out. This is from AFTER HOURS, which I produced with the great Kenny Robinson, who also hosted. Our audience always brought a lot of island flavour so the laughs were real and loud with no need to translate. Miss Jamaica is the human dynamo of comedy and smarts that is Trey Anthony. The MC is Second City’s Bruce Hunter, complete with Jersey Shore spray tan, and the “translator” is Jean Paul. I wrote this with the cast and Trey improvised the patois. Hint: ras claat and battybwoy are words you should be careful of using among your more polite Jamaican friends.

If you’re new here, please click on the links at the right and if you want to see more of my comedy videos, including more hilarious island-themed comedy, go to my YouTube channel and search for After Hours.

Pilgrims, Attentive Walmart Shoppers Flock to Graceland for “Shroud of Elvis”

April 21, 2011 Leave a comment

Bedsheet With King’s Likeness On Display From Good Friday Through Kickass Friday.

By Joe Bodolai (C) 2011, All rights reserved

The King of People Not Actually the King

By Joe Bodolai © 2011 All rights reserved

The controversial “Shroud of Elvis” will be exhibited at Elvis Presley’s home, Graceland, beginning today, Good Friday,for seven days until Kickass Friday, April 29th.Similar to the Shroud of Turin, which supposedly depicts the likeness of Jesus Christ, a popular religious figure, the Shroud of Elvis is imbued with the likeness of the King. “There is no doubt this is real,” said Jumbo Tuberville, curator of the Elvis Museum and Bait Shop. ”The King had enough Dilaudid and Twinkies in his system to sweat his portrait onto the sheet. The chemicals in his body just fused with the polyester, man. Sweet!“

Pilgrims Celebrate the Unveiling of the Sacred Shroud


The shroud is expected to draw over one million visitors more than the Shroud of Turin, which dates from the Middle Ages or a couple years ago and is being exhibited in order to deflect attention from the widespread pedophilia scandal involving the Pope and countless priests, but doubtfully this guy:

A Pilgrim Ponders Deep Fried Twinkies in Gift Shop  

While rumours flew that the Shroud would be available in replica versions at selected sacred Walmart locations, the Catholic Church and Graceland have refused to comment when asked if displaying the Shroud was an attempt to revitalize both Catholicism and interest in Elvis as a response to the rise of the world’s preeminent spiritual leader, Lady Gaga.

Pope “Joey Ratz” Responds to Arrest of Pedophile Pedophilia Advisor, Forgives Self, Pedophiles

April 17, 2011 4 comments

Two Hail Marys “Oughta Cover It” and “Don’t Sweat the Rapture” Says Oddly Dressed Unmarried Ex-Nazi.

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

Joey Ratz Working His Popely Magic

May 26,2001- Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51 year-old parish priest in the village of Sastri Ponente, near Genoa, was arrested last Friday on pedophilia and drugs charges. Investigators say that in tapped mobile phone conversations Seppia asked a Moroccan drug dealer to arrange sexual encounters with young and vulnerable boys. “I do not want 16-year-old boys, but younger. Fourteen-year-olds are OK. Look for needy boys, who have family issues,” he allegedly said. Genoa Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco, who is also head of the Italian Bishops Conference, had been working with Benedict to establish a tough new worldwide policy released this week on how bishops should handle accusations of priestly sex abuse. Bagnasco said when he met the Pope this weekend he “asked for a particular blessing for my archdiocese,” in light of the accused crimes, adding that “like every father toward a son (feels) great pain in seeing a priest who is not faithful to his vocation.”
“[The investigators] made us listen to that man saying terrifying things about our children. Things so terrible that I cannot repeat them,” a father of one of the boys said. — translated from La Stampa

Proclaiming himself “super holy”, Joe Ratzinger (aka “the Pope”) emerged from a Vatican confessional sauna today and claims he has “forgiven” himself for what he referred to as “so-called sins” and also forgave all priests and other church officials accused of child molestation. “Nothing like the Rapture happened so I took care of you there. Some people might see all this forgiving as damage control,” said the former Nazi Youth, “but first there has to be damage. Anyway, I gave myself and the guys a round of Hail Marys, and you know if I bring Mary into this, and she is a virgin, that’s proof of no diddling boys. This whole mess is due to the clever homosexual children because the little lambs got flocked by the Shepherd which proves they were not victims,” he “explained.” The official Vatican press release, published in High Pig Latin, entitled Uckfay Uyay, continued: ” as a bonus, I threw in forgiving the Beatles and, I’m offering 50% off for all school groups to visit the Shroud of Turin for Christ’s sake. We’re also selling Abbey Road in the Vatican gift shop now cheaper than iTunes, use code veni vidi vici This is what makes the Catholic Church such a great donation value. Remember, omnes gallia est divisa en tres partes. When questioned about his infallibility at a special Palm Sunday brunch at the Palm Restaurant at Vatican Citywalk , the Pope blamed his streak of incorrectly picking the last 45 Super Bowl winners on “Satan and the bloggers.”Dominus frickin’ vobiscum! I gotta go. Chris Hansen’s in the gift shop. Oh, and to by the way, no, I do not consider my outfits ‘super gay.”

“What profit has not that fable of Christ brought us!”
Pope Leo X (As attributed by John Bale, Bishop of Ossory, in The Pageant of Popes, p. 179, 1574)

“I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not of this world, and yet they lay their hands on everything they can get.” — Napoleon Bonaparte

Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.
~ Denis Diderot

All great truths begin as blasphemies.
~ George Bernard Shaw

Argentum Duram Et Majoram — Latinish for “Hard Cash is Best”, Motto of All Churches Everywhere

This Video’s Lyrics May be Inaccurately Translated for Your Enjoyment

April 15, 2011 3 comments

“Slumdog Millionaire” Paved the Way for “Benny Lover” But the Lyrics May Shock Some

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Once again, it took my team at Quality Shows Inaccurate Translation Service to bring an amazing new video to the public’s attention. Here’s just a hint of a brilliant new Bollywood video with dazzling dancing, stunning costumes, and lyrics that will have you snapping your head back in disbelief. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Innacurately Translated version of “Benny Lover”.

This is just what it sounds like to me.

Leonard Cohen Live: “Closing Time”

April 3, 2011 1 comment

The Great Canadian Singer-Songwriter Receives the Glenn Gould Prize

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

To describe Leonard Cohen is an exercise in humility. He is a poet, novelist, singer, songwriter, and, from what I hear, quite the ladies man. I’ll take any of those. He was recently awarded one of Canada’s greatest prizes not named Stanley. This one is named in honour of pianist Glenn Gould, so you can pretty much guess what the name of the award is. (That’s so I don’t try to use the word “eponymous.”)

For those of you who don’t know who Glenn Gould was, or is because of his music, please look him up and listen to his recordings. The CBC’s prestigious studio in Toronto is named after him and his legacy to classical music is unique, significant, and “uncompromising.

That word was also used about Leonard Cohen. I had a the privilege of presenting him on CBC Television in the  remarkable live-to-air performance below. This version of “Closing Time” is, in my opinion, better than any of the recordings I’ve heard. Great lyrics demand a few listenings and the maturity of the music rewards it. One of my favourite lines” “she’s a hundred but she’s wearing something tight.” (I have a few more music clips on the site so please take a look around.)

Categories: Media, Music

Ask Your Doctor Which Side Effect is Right for You

April 3, 2011 1 comment

Big Pharma’s Ideal Drug: Treats Nothing, All Side Effects

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

Drug companies in recent years have continually improved their TTSR — “treatment to side effect ratio” — and poured millions into marketing new conditions, such as last year’s wildly popular “RLS – restless leg syndrome,” which returned millions more. They have finally come up with what they termed their “ideal drug”, one that treats nothing and has only side effects.

“This is a major breakthrough,” gushed Puppy Piper, head of marketing for Restless Leg Syndrome, “the list of side effects it creates is a gold mine for all the drugs we already have to treat side effects like infertility, short term memory loss, diarrhea and those goodies. It should create an infinite loop of prescriptions for drugs that create even more side effects. The market is going to look like piranhas on a feeding frenzy. This is great for the economy! What’s good for the drug companies is good for America, or at least for the America that consists of me. We just have to keep side effects from being called ‘front effects’ because… well, maybe we should add a new category. Sorry. I have to make a call…”

The company released a video of their new commercial, scheduled to launch later this month. I think. I have short term memory loss from taking it. Along with…. brb…