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This is the Headline You Are Now Reading

September 5, 2011 5 comments

Joe Bodolai Posts New Blog Post

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

Joe Bodolai today posted a new blog entry consisting of 152 words[1] and two paragraphs beginning with this first sentence. Adding a quote in the second sentence, Bodolai said “I also added an image which greatly clarifies the meaning of the post,” deftly using the succinct quote to reference additional content as well as adding a seamless transition to the following paragraph in a regrettably long sentence which he hoped that in a few more words such as these might entertain the reader.

The second paragraph, in which you are now immersed, included a three word closing line. It directed readers to the image, sparking a potential grammatical debate over whether the words are a complete imperative sentence or a sentence fragment. Prior to typing the three words, Bodolai added perhaps another interrogatory sentence fragment to amplify the density of lack of meaning in the posting. The three words?  “See image below.”

The image of the yellow and black caution sign and message referencing danger added gravitas to the posting


[1] The word count does not include the headline, subhead, byline and copyright, photo caption, and this footnote.

If I Were So Rich…

August 19, 2011 1 comment

I’d autotune my life

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

If you know me, you know I can’t sing. That doesn’t seem to stop many of today’s pop stars from having the naive confidence to actually just go ahead and do it. Well, thanks to the technology of autotune I finally recorded a song that has all the symptoms of a smash. I expect to be touring major stadiums and arenas once I actually write some more songs and figure out how to lip sync. Or is it “lip synch?”

As you can see, the video’s production values are up to the quality of my amazing vocals.

Brittney, rights are available and I’ll sing backup and dance in some patent leather shorts.

Did Rupert Murdoch Hire A Pie Thrower on Craigslist?

July 19, 2011 2 comments

Rebekah Brooks Joins Evil Wizard Murdoch Cast in New “Masters of the Dark Arts”

By Joe Bodolai (c) All rights reserved.

In case you missed it, a guy with the hitman worthy name “Johnnie Marbles” struck Rupert Murdoch with a pie earlier today in the phone hacking inquiry in London.

This came just after the whistleblower, Sean Hoare, was found dead and Scotland Yard declared it “not suspicious”, which is of course the definition of suspicious.

Scotland Yard's Claim That Sean Hoare's Death is "No Suspicious" on My BS Meter

It is by no means a stretch of the imagination to think that the Murdoch media empire knows how to manipulate news, create it, and flat out make it up. We’ve seen and often enjoyed that in News of the World and despise it on Fox News (sic). I am sure there is a #pie thread going on Twitter right now. So as I was scouring the world’s Craigslist ads for a non-intern job I would not have been surprised to have come across this listing in the London “creative gigs” section. Is it the smoking pie?

CLICK ON IMAGE TO VIEW FULL SIZE

I will say this, he does get an awful lot of stuff for his reel. Meals, copy, and credit.

In related news, Rebekah Brooks has reportedly accepted an offer to star in the next blockbuster wizard movie series as an evil witch who reads the minds of dead people’s relatives and laughs at them.

Image courtesy kimberlyg5404 All rights reserved Follow her on Twitter

Florida Legalizes Murder, Post-Birth Abortion

July 5, 2011 7 comments

Verdict Sends Strong Message that “Some mothers deserve a mulligan.”

Casey Anthony Not Guilty Verdict A Victory for Post-Birth Abortion

Orlando – The verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial is already having a sweeping effect on what is called justice in Florida. Anthony, suspected of murdering her infant daughter Caylee Benet, was found not guilty on all charges relating to the death. She was convicted of a few misdemeanors but not on any of the child endangerment charges despite incredibly not reporting her daughter’s disappearance for 31 days. Sources close to Anthony say she “had no time because she was working out for a hot body contest at a fuckin’ epic new club. So, we were prioritizing so you can obviously see it was time sensitive.” Legal experts (okay just me) say this is an important step in allowing “post-birth abortion, apparently up to three years post-delivery. It’s a big win for mothers like Anthony who realize the inconvenience of having a child and deserve a mulligan.”

“Much of anti-abortion America is far more comfortable with abortion as long as it’s after the 14th trimester. Before that, they say it’s immoral, perhaps because the fetus needs to be born to “get into the system?” After that, they’re cool with it. The death penalty after all is just retroactive abortion, so you can say they’re pro-choice of choosing who they want to kill.”

The truly stunning thing is that I have no idea if Casey Anthony murdered her daughter or not. I am shocked, however, that the various child endangerment/neglect charges were somehow not proved. I only caught up to this case yesterday because she’s a brunette and it wasn’t covered much on my cable. Any woman who doesn’t report her child missing for a month and want help finding her is guilty of child abuse.

The font of all wisdom that is Kim Kardashian, an expert on legal matters such as providing sage judicial advice to her father Robert in the acquittal of O.J. Simpson in the trial of the last century expressed her outrage on Twitter moments after the verdict with her typical exclamation mark assault in the place of words to express emotion.

Perhaps forgetting that her father also helped acquit O.J. Simpson

Sources close to defense lawyer Jose Baez (no relation to Joan I am pretty much positive) said the defense team celebrated with champagne and the Baez daughters doing rounds of Jaeger body shots in anticipation of their sure to be forthcoming untitled reality show. The series was slated to be called “Keeping Up With The Baez’s”, according to somebody,”but the smartass making up this quote said the apostrophe is wrong there so I’m like what are you? A teacher?” No.

Moments later, O.J. Simpson announced that he would lead the hunt to find Caylee Anthony’s real killer if somebody would just get him the fuck out of this Vegas jail.

Florida elected George Bush. Now this. What’s next? A year ago, I wrote this after the “concealed carry and suspicion of a threat” law putting legal murder into the hands of private citizens as well as, of course, cops. This could be happening in the Sunshine State soon:

Zero Percent Murder Rate is Lowest in the Country

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

Ocala, Florida — “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,” exclaimed Ocala, Florida police chief Phil Procopio, as he showed off charts and binders full of slick graphics to indicate a 100% drop in the murder rate to 0%, the lowest rate in the country. “Legalizing murder has not only eliminated it completely, making our community unique in the country, but has also improved our ranking on Parade Magazine’s list of the 10,000 Best Places to Live in America — up two places to number 9,997! That’s a community effort we should all be proud of.”

White Floridians Applaud New Rulings

Citizens have applauded the move enthusiastically. “I used to worry about being murdered whenever I went downtown or to a ballgame, “said Gus Cherniak, a private security consultant for the Golf Manor Estates (a gated community on the north side of the city), “now we really don’t have to worry at all. This new law has taken away the fear our citizens used to have.” Now, if they feel unsure about someone, Floridians can just shoot them with an assault rifle or kill them with a taser first. “This has made life for our neighborhood citizens’ patrols much easier, instead of always worrying about legal grey areas.”

What in other communities might be called “vigilantism”, in Florida it’s called “preventive vigilantism — not that vigilantism is a bad word around here. After all, let’s remember that some of America’s greatest heroes are vigilantes. Batman, Superman, Bernard Goetz, Jack Ruby, all of them. We’re just following in what we think is a heroic American tradition”, added Cherniak. “We’re all just good old American crime-fighting superheroes.”

The only thing separating a vigilante from a superhero is a costume and a good publicist. — Joe Bodolai

Police Chief Procopio suggested that the program should go beyond Florida. “I’d like to see this law be extended nationwide, especially into communities where there are lots of prisons and Democratic voters” said the much-decorated law enforcer (a winner of the local Crime Dog Man of the Year Award from Governor Charlie Crist).

Yet, the new law really comes down to street level common sense, and increased social benefits, say advocates. “Floyd here once shot a guy messing with his satellite dish and it caused him all kinds of legal trouble, red tape, paperwork, phone calls to the Governor, and money for lawyers before it got taken care of. Now, think of the millions the government is saving by not having to incarcerate the perp! The benefits to the taxpayer are already starting to show. We’re getting new blocking sleds for the high school football team, and, for the first time in three years, new band uniforms!”

You call them vigilantes, but Batman was the founder of "citizen patrols".

You may also want to know this about the Casey Anthony trial. ABC News apparently paid $200,000 to the Anthony defense team. They also covered the trial. Think about that. While you do, is the next frontier someone pitching a sexy crime to a network and negotiating a reality show? You heard it here first. Oh, don’t believe me about ABC News, read it <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/lawyers-reveal-abc-news-paid-200000-to-casey-anthony-family_b25120&quot; title="Here” target=”_blank”>

I’m Sure I Speak for Lady Gaga and We Say: Be The Best Possible Version of Yourself.

May 21, 2011 1 comment

Suggestion in Above Headline May be Provided for My Entertainment

By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved (except those owned by the video creators below)

Most Questions About the Universe Finally Cleared Up in Gaga Video

I admire Lady Gaga for her gagalosity, the amazing fearless personal dedication to the expression of the personal fearlessness that defies categorization and is so fearlessly personal in such a personal way… so fearlessly. She’s gagalicious. Her recent appearance to champion gay rights was done in the Pope’s back yard, and I truly do consider her a world spiritual leader.

The world is full of people expressing themselves in such idiosyncratic deeply individual ways that makes me realize we are all like fingerprints and snowflakes. You can not be duplicated; neither can the moment that goes by in which you are not yourself. Many artists find the confidence to unleash their personal wtf-ness only later in life; some blossom with the carefree confidence of the naïve. Some, like Michael Jackson or some teen stars, display enough confidence and commitment in presenting themselves early in life but become marionettes of commercial culture. Some later become controlled by financial decisions rather than the mysterious emotional and creative often unconscious lunges that speak no language but their own. Some never get the chance. Others let it pass by without knowing. Not all of this originality is great art, nor always even entertaining, but maybe it provides a singular spiritual purpose that it is not for us to know. It may speak from a place above the material and while Lady Gaga’s ideogrammatic characterizations are in step with the commercial, they are also very personal. I am not kidding when I refer to her as a “world spiritual leader”. I think I can speak for her when I say to those of you who speak your own language, leave your own fingerprints at the scene of your own crime, we love you. Which is why I love her.

Be the best possible version of yourself.

The videos below are two examples of what I mean about finding voices outside of the mainstream. Each is beyond easy articulation. Just flat out leave you speechless or “gaga”. First is a courageous, original, and funny comedy troupe from Norway. Comedian Jesper Odelsberg and his troupe: New Wheels on the Block, letting us know his balls are okay. He’s on the right track baby, he was born this way.

His Wheelchair is a Sex Machine!

The family below is European, I think. And from earth. I think. They have no self-consciousness about expressing their desire and divinely inspired determination to alleviate their collective bedwetting. The little kid brings the R&B funk to the funky bedclothes and the women of the family may or may not moonlight as Amish hookers. I hope you will sing “ain’t gonna pee-pee” aloud as you go on your way today.nkies

The Funky Bedwetter feat. the Amish Hookers



You may laugh at, you may laugh with, but just laugh so you can feel it.

When I talk about Lady Gaga’s originality, it has nothing to do with taste, or being “derivative of Madonna” or being in mainstream pop music. (Toronto artist Jana Sterback created a meat dress at the Art Gallery of Ontario in the early 70s, by the way.) Costumes are not who she is, but don’t discount the message she sends with what she wears. Some are bullied for what they wear and she sends a message to stand out. She is a major pop artist, with major talent, but she is a conceptual artist and moral force to me. A victim of bullying herself, she speaks for diversity, acceptance, choice, and respect and anyone whose bad romance can turn into a kickass dance groove. Right now, I’m just celebrating all those who gain the confidence from her to be themselves. The person you are best at being is you. Oh, and I have taken the liberty of speaking for Lady Gaga before, if you caught that irony, right here. She’s kinda busy being the she that she is.

Be Yourself, Be Your Own DNA-mazing!

Real artistic statement, even when wildly commercially successful such as Lady Gaga, can be a moral statement. I personally believe that Satire Can Help Make Evil a Bit More Uncool

For a long, casual and revealing interview with Lady Gaga, here is a link to her appearance at Google.

The “Tupac of Terror”: Osama Bin Laden Drops Another Joint! New Video

May 2, 2011 2 comments

Osama Bin Laden Still Dead Again as Americans Celebrate USA! USA!!

By Joe Bodolai, © 2011, All Rights Reserved

Note: Portions May Be Redacted in Interests of Something or Someone

The CIA and Neocons Evil Muslim Hot Chick Hating Terrorists need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They have relied on updated but outdated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention associates of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some new lookalikes. Their campaign of fake and cheesy chilling videos seems to have hit a new low frightening tone with this one. Like I said, the video Pentagon analysis suggests that the lookalike actor bin Laden displayed all the amateurish sophisticated mannerisms of an audition tape and bad lighting complete with the usual ridiculously outdated references
up to the minute clues in the fifth grader incoherent babble sophisticated rhetoric that only a total lameass or attentive WalMart shopper trained intelligence analyst could recognize as a total pile of crap frightening call to action that deserved gales of laughter and ridicule urgent military response and security measures such as admitting that the war on terror is a sham standing together taking off our belts for TSA tightening our belts and dropping our pants and bending over renewing our wars everywhere with an idiotic and murderous shotgun approach with a precise asswipe of a plan designed by our military strategic experts roomful of chimpanzees.

The official version includes a photo of the White House War Room that some say has been Photoshopped for those Americans who have no idea what our real leaders look like:

The Fantasy Team Drafted by Obama

Since the real ex-CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on barrel scrapings site Craigslist.

Click on picture to enlarge.

Desperate CIA Ad Posted Today on Craigslist

Bin Laden was apparently killed in a raid ordered by President Barack Obama in what anonymous White House sources like me said was a “stroke of luck.” The anonymous really smart source said “the President starts each day with a huge shit serious reflection on the nation’s needs and checking White Sox box scores calling on our military to stop bugging him about veterans’ health care “get bin Laden” but this morning he almost forgot.” Luckily, the source said, “Michelle his people in Israel jokingly suggested ordered him to “you really oughta get some more good press bin Laden because even after the White House Correspondents Dinner rise, your approval rating is down America needs closure from Donald Trump hair jokes.”

In a remarkable plan by the CIA coincidence, the assassination of bin Laden was “live Tweeted” by a CIA plant simple Pakistani IT technician named “Dave” whose Twitter CIA handle is @ReallyVirtual. He has since signed an “earwitness Live Tweeting” deal with online gossip site TMZ and is reportedly working “the Lohan beat” hoping for some “coke use or hot lesbian sex.”

The bin Laden lookalike patsy feared ultra-terrorist was reportedly fooled by a crack shot Delta Force or now Navy SEAL sniper posing as late arriving hummus delivery man as he was about to launch his latest devious plan watch “Glee”. Also found in the compound bachelor pad were the latest in suicide bomber devices a shitload of porn mags. Evidence that he was planning to release an even newer tape included the latest terrorist video Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and the even more deadly poison “Jam” by Kim Kardashian.

The anonymous Navy SEAL sniper who shot bin Laden in the eye said he learned his marksmanship skills from watching porn.

After DNA was verified by comparing it with bin Laden’s sister’s DNA CIA employee file, the body was buried “according to bullshit passed off as Muslim custom” at sea along with Donald Trump’s 2012 Presidential bid. Former Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush, in a Sober Somber Moment upon hearing of “the whole Osama deal” renewed his 9-11 vow to “finish reading My Pet Goat.

Like this? Say so. Or say it ain’t so Joe! Links to the right for more satire, sports, pop culture, and comedy.

British Tribal Leaders Expand Gene Pool in Bizarre Mating Ceremony

April 29, 2011 5 comments

Guest List Includes “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved.

Leaders of the once nomadic Saxe-Coburg and Gotha clan gathered in London today, joined by leaders of many of the the world’s other tribes, to wear their once-a-year jewelry stored in vaults in order to qualify for their tax deductions as “work apparel.” The little known deduction is a massive financial benefit as it transfers the taxes and most of the wealth of their “subjects” directly to them, an annual windfall of billions of pounds sterling, euros, land, and dead foxes. The festivities were highlighted by a lavish public display of ritual pre-coital foofoofery intended to stiffen more than the upper lips of the besieged tribe, desperately in need of stiffening of its weakening DNA strands. As the events are still unfolding, Say It Ain’t So, Joe! provides readers with some fast facts to annoy as much as inform:

Kate Middleton Appears To Realize that Her Childhood Dream of Becoming a Princess Comes with Oddly Dressed Idiots Controlling Her Life and Toilet Habits

Some facts:

The American equivalent of the British term “commoners” is “Kardashians”.

SAY IT AIN’T SO JOE! POLL: 96% of British Gays Would Choose to Replace House of Windsor with Haus of Gaga

Prince Harry Vows to Fulfill Role as Backup Heir by Getting Hammered and Nailing Hot Chicks

Many Americans With Sufficient Inbreeding Lack Income to move from status as “white trash hillbillies” to “your royal highness”.

Unlike the Marriage of Diana and Prince Charles, the Royal Family Cited “Sacrifice in Difficult Times” and Did Not Engage the Services of the Royal Hymen Inspector. Possibly Also Because He Was Found to be “Less Than Totally Gay”

The guest below shows that the parties would be enlivened by the usual Royal Festive bunch, especially the notorious Sophie of Wessex. Her reputation precedes her in this typo she will never live down but likely now richly deserves. “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex.”

Always Fun When Drunk, Princess Sophie was Expected to the Source of Many a Charming Anecdote

The day was not without tragedy, however, as the Daily Mail Copy Editor, responsible for the above schedule of events, was tragically killed in a mysterious high speed car crash in a Parisian tunnel.

Oh, by the way, While we were busy watching the ceremonies, the UK Government quietly announced a 37% cut in NHS funding.

"I'm not wearing underwear"