By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved
Mad Hatter Bachmann Outlines Foreign Policy in Response to Obama Corporate Video
Republican Tea Party Hostess Michelle Bachmann (hailed by the gals at Jezebel as “the Miles Davis of Idiocy”) extended her rhetorical pinky as she served up her social group’s serving of idea sandwiches with crusts cut off last night in response to President Obama’s waste of time platitude festival featuring a large cast of applauding extras, cost of which was apparently paid for by Israel and major banks. Bachmann, however, went into stomach-turning overdrive. She invoked the image of Marines hoisting the flag at Iwo Jima as somehow related to her self-image in what must truly be the delusional March Hare Madness playoff pukefest in the parking lot party in her head. As a public service, I have processed the image through the Say It Ain’t So, Joe! TruthMachine to more accurately visually represent her free-form jazzy smacked out Miles Davis idiocy:
My view on the state of the Obama Presidency are more thoroughly outlined from this article after his first year in office:
Note: I did not create the image above. It was sent to me with a series of found images. If anyone knows the creator, I wish to credit and thank her or him.
Expected to Bring Trademark Biting Political Satire
UPDATE: SETH MEYERS MADE IT AND ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED IT AT LAST NIGHT’S EVENT! SNOOKI PROMISES TO “SMUSH IT’ NEXT YEAR!
By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved
In a surprising turn of events, tomorrow night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner will be hosted by Snooki Polizzi of the hard-hitting documentary series Jersey Shore.Last year, the scheduled host Jay Leno announced he would be unable to attend as he was in negotiations with TBS to replace Conan O’Brien after replacing O’Brien on The Tonight Show. The diminutive best-selling author was then bumped when Leno decided he would host after all.
This year, scheduled host Seth Meyers became unexpectedly “unable to attend” after learning he would have to follow President Obama. Citing “not enough time” prepare, experts noted that Weekend Update, where SNL writers have a week to come up with a few jokes that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report do every night, was “just way too impossible at this late date. I mean, we only had a year! Look at Spiderman; they’re not ready and he has superpowers.”
Polizzi, who noted that “my name even sounds sorta like ‘poltics’ right?” was eager to jump in at the last minute when “dude told me it’s open bar.”
The poof-coiffed Guidette is expected to bring her trademark biting political satire to bear and her targets will certainly include President Obama but the diminutive zinger slinger said she has “a lot of surprises planned and also plans on “doing a lot of physical stuff, like smooshing with the Prez” and certainly is not afraid to fight, as evidenced in several segments of her pithy, thought-provoking series. When asked if she plans to outdo the memorable and sizzling performance of Stephen Colbert she displayed her rapier wit. “I don’t know the guy but if his name is Stephen Cold Beer let’s go!”
She is also famously remembered for her remarks to Michelle Obama in a New Jersey nightclub “geez you is usin’ way too much spray tan,”
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Several Prominent Aliens Announce: “Time to Stop Hiding”
By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved
Zontar, Thing from Venus, admitted to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! reporters today that he, and many other aliens are living on earth undetected. “My earth name may be Amy Winehouse, but I am really from a dive bar on the Venus equivalent of Buffalo.“
When reports leaked that Thing from Venus confessed, numerous other aliens also spoke up. ”It’s time we stopped the charade,“ said Angelyne, whose alien name was revealed to be Morp Flepnop. ”I’ve been spying on earth in earthly form with a realistic (sic) human body but I have also disguised myself as a billboard on Sunset Boulevard.“
When asked about her alien name, Flepnop replied ”on my planet Moop Flepnop is the equivalent of your ‘Dave’.“
Other aliens who have come forth include Glipfung J. Fuppletit (aka “Snooki”) who said “I was wondering how long it would take for my unearthly orange skin and the black fern fronds growing from my cranial surface would be cause for your suspicion. Ironically, I do love Nati Lite.”
Aliens have been particularly successful at disguising themselves as “celebrities” on reality shows, said Vupflargo Bellyputz (aka “Bruce Jenner”) “After all, our appearance is reality showlike and is unnoticed by anyone with an IQ under 80. There are others who have not come out, it added, “but I think if you look for signs such as oversized plush Milky Way asses and an overabundance of annoying space lichens, which appear to be body hair. Others of us should be easy to spot. We often live among you as real housewives with simulated protoplasm so real it’s actually an otherworldly gel of hormones, pig semen, and the meconium of the Sacred Infants of Beetelgeuse, it cryptically concluded.
More revelations are due to come in the following days. Stay tuned to Say It Ain’t So, Joe! for more on this breaking story.
BREAKING! Suspected Synthete Heidi Montag” body analysis revealed to be 96% synthetic materials 4% sodium benzoate added as preservative. .
“We Shall Overcome!” Says Spokesbitch. Teach Celebrity Rights in Schools, Not Just on MTV!
By Joe Bodolai
At a splashy press conference held at Mr. Chow’s restaurant in Beverly Hills, the newly-formed American Celebrity Liberties Union (ACLU), made up of some of Hollywood’s most obnoxious publicists, today lauded a new bill they have managed to launch in the California legislature. The bill, they said, would finally “guarantee fundamental super-human rights for Celebrity-Americans”. Under the proposed bill, celebrities would be allowed long sought tax breaks, the right to own automatic weapons and hire private militia, freedom from “harrassing DUI and drug charges and assault immunity on paparazzi” and even the right to special police protection during natural disasters or terrorist attacks. “There’s no doubt that Celebrity-Americans are the country’s backbone,” said ACLU spokesperson Lizzie Gruntman, “we can’t have them inconvenienced during emergencies, let alone their fabulous daily lives. America needs them to inspire and lead, just as they always have. It’s time for the oppression to stop. Oh, and legalize paparazzi murder. I said that out loud, right? Good, somebody needs to.
Grubman also exhorted the paparazzi to be “better at their jobs and aim higher. Instead of horrible candid drunk photos, inspire us with nip slips and pantiless limo exits.”
She also pointed out the “horrible double standard” by which Celebrity-Americans have been “exploited for years” and demanded that Celebrity Rights be taught in schools. She pointed out “the tragic case of Martha Stewart, whom, she explains, “didn’t commit anywhere near as bad a crime as Ken Lay of Enron but because she’s a celebrity she had to do hard time while he, a mere rich crook, went free.” Sporting an officially licensed “Leave Lindsay Alone!” button, Gruntman also campaigned for the cause of Lindsay Lohan, “a young Celebrity-American woman who has been harassed by the jealous legal system with numerous drug and traffic charges.” She also brought up the case of Britney Spears, who has been persecuted in the past over “pointless inquiries into child care, marriage documents and the like. We must preserve Celebrity-Americans’ right to trophy adoption and drunken impulse marriage.”
The Union also agreed that they would lobby on behalf of those who are only “part Celebrity”, such as Snooki, the Kardashians, or other people appearing in reality (sic) television shows. ”These people need bodyguards, entourages, better free swag, and the other basics of celebrity life, such as VIP entrance to clubs and major sporting events and private audiences with the Pope. After all, would you rather see Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room or Mike ”The Situation’s“ Room? ” Come on, that’s a no-brainer!”
Gruntman moved the crowd with her exhortation to “imagine, if you will, the aftermath of a terrorist attack, thousands of civilians or “filler people” dead or wounded. Cell phones wouldn’t work. Children and staff need to be contacted. Wouldn’t you want your celebrities to have satellite phones? Armed bodyguards? Generators to keep the Sub-Zero refrigerators going? Or private planes with Air Force fighter escorts to lead them to safety? Of course you would. We’re talking not only about the freedom of today’s celebrities but also their celebrity children. Who speaks for them?”
Gruntman drew her loudest cheers from the celebrities with her comments that “what ordinary people think of as ‘special privileges’ are, for Celebrity-Americans, just long overdue fundamental celebrity rights… fuck this latte is cold!” and threw it into the face of her earnest young intern. “You bitch! You know I want it at 167 degrees! Not your pasty ass body temperature and stop fucking crying!”
BREAKING NEWS: OSAMA BIN LADEN IS STILL DEAD</strong
UPDATE: With the latest death of "Osama bin Laden" there is an Updated Version of this piece at “The Tupac of Terror”
By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved
The CIA and the Neocons need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They generally rely on updated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention friend of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some lookalikes. Their campaign of fake videos seems to have hit a new low with this one, complete with dated references:
Since the real CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on Craigslist. Click on picture to enlarge.
By Joe Bodolai
TOPS SPRIG OF PARSLEY AND TANGY PAPRIKA BUT PIZZA LOVERS IRATE
The hors d’oeuvre and condiment world applauded today’s announcement by the National Toppings Council at long last inducting the maraschino cherry into the prestigious Toppings Hall of Fame. The North American Pizza Lovers Alliance decried the selection saying “this is worse than pineapple or anchovies. We’re considering withdrawing from the Council,” a spokesman added, “especially after roast beef and the cheeseburger was denied certification as a topping.”
The victory was long coming for the sweet, tantalizingly virginal imaged sugar-infused and artificially coloured and reshaped radish. The moist tantalizing image was long favored by porn websites, escort logos, and Dairy Queen. The induction was also fought for many years by voters in the south who strongly claimed that the maraschino cherry was not a topping but actually an ”ingredient“. Their legal team cited favorite recipes such as ”Maraschino Possum Pie“ which states “pour the jar of maraschino cherries onto the boiled possum and yell ‘grub’s on! Yee-haw cherry roadkill’!” especially popular at SEC tailgate parties and is perhaps the literal definition of a “murky gray area”.
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