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New ACLU? Publicists’ Association Demands Full “Celebrity Rights”


“We Shall Overcome!” Says Spokesbitch. Teach Celebrity Rights in Schools, Not Just on MTV!

By Joe Bodolai

At a splashy press conference held at Mr. Chow’s restaurant in Beverly Hills, the newly-formed American Celebrity Liberties Union (ACLU), made up of  some of Hollywood’s most obnoxious publicists, today lauded a new bill they have managed to launch in the California legislature. The bill, they said, would finally “guarantee fundamental super-human rights for Celebrity-Americans”. Under the proposed bill, celebrities would be allowed long sought tax breaks, the right to own automatic weapons and hire private militia, freedom from “harrassing DUI and drug charges and assault immunity on paparazzi” and even the right to special police protection during natural disasters or terrorist attacks. “There’s no doubt that Celebrity-Americans are the country’s backbone,” said ACLU spokesperson Lizzie Gruntman, “we can’t have them inconvenienced during emergencies, let alone their fabulous daily lives. America needs them to inspire and lead, just as they always have. It’s time for the oppression to stop. Oh, and legalize paparazzi murder. I said that out loud, right? Good, somebody needs to.

ACLU's Gruntman: ”Give us shots of her cookie, not of her coke!“

Grubman also exhorted the paparazzi to be “better at their jobs and aim higher. Instead of horrible candid drunk photos, inspire us with nip slips and pantiless limo exits.”

She also pointed out the “horrible double standard” by which Celebrity-Americans have been “exploited for years” and demanded that Celebrity Rights be taught in schools. She pointed out “the tragic case of Martha Stewart, whom, she explains, “didn’t commit anywhere near as bad a crime as Ken Lay of Enron but because she’s a celebrity she had to do hard time while he, a mere rich crook, went free.” Sporting an officially licensed “Leave Lindsay Alone!” button, Gruntman also campaigned for the cause of  Lindsay Lohan, “a young Celebrity-American woman who has been harassed by the jealous legal system with numerous drug and traffic charges.” She also brought up the case of Britney Spears, who has been persecuted in the past over “pointless inquiries into child care, marriage documents and the like. We must preserve Celebrity-Americans’ right to trophy adoption and drunken impulse marriage.”

The Union also agreed that they would lobby on behalf of those who are only “part Celebrity”, such as Snooki, the Kardashians, or other people appearing in reality (sic) television shows. ”These people need bodyguards, entourages, better free swag, and the other basics of celebrity life, such as VIP entrance to clubs and major sporting events and private audiences with the Pope. After all, would you rather see Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room or Mike ”The Situation’s“ Room? ” Come on, that’s a no-brainer!”

Serial Adoption is a Fundamental Right for Today's Figure-Conscious Stars

Gruntman moved the crowd with her exhortation to “imagine, if you will, the aftermath of a terrorist attack, thousands of civilians or “filler people” dead or wounded. Cell phones wouldn’t work. Children and staff need to be contacted. Wouldn’t you want your celebrities to have satellite phones? Armed bodyguards? Generators to keep the Sub-Zero refrigerators going? Or private planes with Air Force fighter escorts to lead them to safety? Of course you would. We’re talking not only about the freedom of today’s celebrities but also their celebrity children. Who speaks for them?”

Gruntman drew her loudest cheers from the celebrities with her comments that “what ordinary people think of as ‘special privileges’ are, for Celebrity-Americans, just long overdue fundamental celebrity rights… fuck this latte is cold!” and threw it into the face of her earnest young intern. “You bitch! You know I want it at 167 degrees! Not your pasty ass body temperature and stop fucking crying!”

CIA Looking for New Osama bin Laden on Craigslist!

January 16, 2010 1 comment

BREAKING NEWS: OSAMA BIN LADEN IS STILL DEAD</strong

UPDATE: With the latest death of "Osama bin Laden" there is an Updated Version of this piece at “The Tupac of Terror”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

The CIA and the Neocons need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They generally rely on updated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention friend of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some lookalikes. Their campaign of fake videos seems to have hit a new low with this one, complete with dated references:

Since the real CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on Craigslist. Click on picture to enlarge.

Desperate CIA Ad Posted Today on Craigslist

National Toppings Council Inducts Maraschino Cherry Into Toppings Hall of Fame

January 12, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai

TOPS SPRIG OF PARSLEY AND TANGY PAPRIKA BUT PIZZA LOVERS IRATE

The hors d’oeuvre and condiment world applauded today’s announcement by the National Toppings Council at long last inducting the maraschino cherry into the prestigious Toppings Hall of Fame. The North American Pizza Lovers Alliance decried the selection saying “this is worse than pineapple or anchovies. We’re considering withdrawing from the Council,” a spokesman added, “especially after roast beef and the cheeseburger was denied certification as a topping.”

The victory was long coming for the sweet, tantalizingly virginal imaged sugar-infused and artificially coloured and reshaped radish. The moist tantalizing image was long favored by porn websites, escort logos, and Dairy Queen. The induction was also fought for many years by voters in the south who strongly claimed that the maraschino cherry was not a topping but actually an ”ingredient“. Their legal team cited favorite recipes such as ”Maraschino Possum Pie“ which states “pour the jar of maraschino cherries onto the boiled possum and yell ‘grub’s on! Yee-haw cherry roadkill’!” especially popular at SEC tailgate parties and is perhaps the literal definition of a “murky gray area”.

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