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The “Tupac of Terror”: Osama Bin Laden Drops Another Joint! New Video

May 2, 2011 2 comments

Osama Bin Laden Still Dead Again as Americans Celebrate USA! USA!!

By Joe Bodolai, © 2011, All Rights Reserved

Note: Portions May Be Redacted in Interests of Something or Someone

The CIA and Neocons Evil Muslim Hot Chick Hating Terrorists need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They have relied on updated but outdated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention associates of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some new lookalikes. Their campaign of fake and cheesy chilling videos seems to have hit a new low frightening tone with this one. Like I said, the video Pentagon analysis suggests that the lookalike actor bin Laden displayed all the amateurish sophisticated mannerisms of an audition tape and bad lighting complete with the usual ridiculously outdated references
up to the minute clues in the fifth grader incoherent babble sophisticated rhetoric that only a total lameass or attentive WalMart shopper trained intelligence analyst could recognize as a total pile of crap frightening call to action that deserved gales of laughter and ridicule urgent military response and security measures such as admitting that the war on terror is a sham standing together taking off our belts for TSA tightening our belts and dropping our pants and bending over renewing our wars everywhere with an idiotic and murderous shotgun approach with a precise asswipe of a plan designed by our military strategic experts roomful of chimpanzees.

The official version includes a photo of the White House War Room that some say has been Photoshopped for those Americans who have no idea what our real leaders look like:

The Fantasy Team Drafted by Obama

Since the real ex-CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on barrel scrapings site Craigslist.

Click on picture to enlarge.

Desperate CIA Ad Posted Today on Craigslist

Bin Laden was apparently killed in a raid ordered by President Barack Obama in what anonymous White House sources like me said was a “stroke of luck.” The anonymous really smart source said “the President starts each day with a huge shit serious reflection on the nation’s needs and checking White Sox box scores calling on our military to stop bugging him about veterans’ health care “get bin Laden” but this morning he almost forgot.” Luckily, the source said, “Michelle his people in Israel jokingly suggested ordered him to “you really oughta get some more good press bin Laden because even after the White House Correspondents Dinner rise, your approval rating is down America needs closure from Donald Trump hair jokes.”

In a remarkable plan by the CIA coincidence, the assassination of bin Laden was “live Tweeted” by a CIA plant simple Pakistani IT technician named “Dave” whose Twitter CIA handle is @ReallyVirtual. He has since signed an “earwitness Live Tweeting” deal with online gossip site TMZ and is reportedly working “the Lohan beat” hoping for some “coke use or hot lesbian sex.”

The bin Laden lookalike patsy feared ultra-terrorist was reportedly fooled by a crack shot Delta Force or now Navy SEAL sniper posing as late arriving hummus delivery man as he was about to launch his latest devious plan watch “Glee”. Also found in the compound bachelor pad were the latest in suicide bomber devices a shitload of porn mags. Evidence that he was planning to release an even newer tape included the latest terrorist video Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and the even more deadly poison “Jam” by Kim Kardashian.

The anonymous Navy SEAL sniper who shot bin Laden in the eye said he learned his marksmanship skills from watching porn.

After DNA was verified by comparing it with bin Laden’s sister’s DNA CIA employee file, the body was buried “according to bullshit passed off as Muslim custom” at sea along with Donald Trump’s 2012 Presidential bid. Former Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush, in a Sober Somber Moment upon hearing of “the whole Osama deal” renewed his 9-11 vow to “finish reading My Pet Goat.

Like this? Say so. Or say it ain’t so Joe! Links to the right for more satire, sports, pop culture, and comedy.

TSA Recruiting Pedophiles on Craigslist, “You Can Fondle Miss USA!”

November 16, 2010 3 comments

Pedophiles, Sex Offenders, Freelance Thugs, and Defrocked Priests Flock to New Jobs

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

“We Just Got a Former Miss USA here and these super hot women are the best way for terrorists to operate. We have to examine them extremely carefully, leaving no fold unfondled or breast unturned. And the nude photos will require further study by our trained sex off… officials,” said Transportation Sexual Assault spokesgroper Wayne Probst.” “I mean, she can lie all she wants but when you see the video you can tell she’s hot and requires a good groping. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t do my job as thoroughly as possible over and over and over again. I can’t just wipe my hands and let her go.”

They’re making me go – making me do this. Making me choose to either get molested, because that’s what I feel like and, or, or, go through this machine that’s completely unhealthy and dangerous. I don’t want to go through it, and here I am crying.” — Former Miss USA Susie Castillo

The Transportation Sexual Assault board is now recruiting on Craigslist for new gropers, squeezers, laptop droppers, and lumpen mouth-breathing  power trippers as the busy holiday travel season approaches. Next week’s Thanksgiving weekend is traditionally the busiest travel time of the year, with the popular Major Religion Shopping Season to follow immediately afterward. “College coeds claiming to be going to games, MILF-type women in sexy sweaters, sneaky blogger types with books or computers, or precocious three year olds with suspiciously cute stuffed animals may be concealing nuclear titty weapons, nice ass bombs, testicle implant devices, wheelchair-powered incendiary charges, prosthetic leg devices containing more than three ounces of liquid,  or any stuff we haven’t made up yet so we’re going to have to get our hands in deep,” said TSA spokesgroper Cletis Yokelmuster, the agency’s Director of Lingerie, Panties, and Accidental Trouser Stains and former Archbishop of  Tulsa, explained. “Those fancy laptops they have might be loaded with porn we don’t have so we need to destroy it for their own protection. And don’t even get me started on those hidden tampons! You wouldn’t believe where they hide ’em! Sometimes I feel like one of those French truffle-sniffing pigs.”

CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE

Transportation Sexual Assault ad on Craigslist Seeks Pedophiles, Sex Offenders, Priests, Goons

Yokelmuster also pointed out that the TSA has “every right” to do “whatever the (copulate) we want” to passengers by “Executive (copulating)’ Order”. “We need people who don’t have a problem grabbing no matter what age. He explained that “look, I don’t like feeling up some 87 old grandmother in Depends for no reason, okay? That’s Jimbo over there. That’s his scene, I mean, area of expertise. I’m more of a middle school cheerleader or altar boy terrorism suspect expert.”

TSA Procedures Are "Time Tested and Hot"

He also pointed out that the TSA is merely “doing what authorities have had to do for centuries — get chicks naked and terrorize the (sentient fecal matter) out of guys too. And hey, kids may be cute, but we already know that terrorism is pretty much everything or at least anything we say it is… Or don’t.” Some historic antecedents for the new TSA policies were on display in a nine-minute  XXX-rated PowerPoint presentation which unfortunately ended prematurely. Spokesmen blamed the premature ending on “Windows 7 crashing from the processors getting too hot to handle the speed and the motion of my nimble talented fingers on the delicate keyboard.” UPDATE: TSA goons at LAX volunteered for free overtime for “extra thorough security searches” last night as news spread that Rihanna and Katy Perry were traveling on the same flight.

New Naked Body Scanners Can be Fun, says Spokeshole

For a look at how the new machines and techniques are being received by Americans, Say it Ain’t So, Joe! provides this video report:

Notice: the above post contains the term “sentient fecal matter” and should be read accordingly.