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Three Things About Today


By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

1. Today is the seventh anniversary of “Mission Accomplished” and we know how well that worked out.

2. Today is the ninth anniversary of the disappearance of young Washington intern Chandra Levy, whose remains were later found. She was involved in a romance with congressman Gary Condit, whose name was in headlines daily, until September 11th. Condit is America’s luckiest forgotten man. Hope you’re enjoying your stroke of luck every September 11th Gary.

3. For some reason, the Kardashians and Justin Bieber are at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Snooki To Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner

April 30, 2010 5 comments

America's Favorite Poof-Coiffed Guidette

Expected to Bring Trademark Biting Political Satire

UPDATE: SETH MEYERS MADE IT AND ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED IT AT LAST NIGHT’S EVENT! SNOOKI PROMISES TO “SMUSH IT’ NEXT YEAR!

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

In a surprising turn of events, tomorrow night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner will be hosted by Snooki Polizzi of the hard-hitting documentary series Jersey Shore.Last year, the scheduled host Jay Leno announced he would be unable to attend as he was in negotiations with TBS to replace Conan O’Brien after replacing O’Brien on The Tonight Show. The diminutive best-selling author was then bumped when Leno decided he would host after all.

This year, scheduled host Seth Meyers became unexpectedly “unable to attend” after learning he would have to follow President Obama. Citing “not enough time” prepare, experts noted that Weekend Update, where SNL writers have a week to come up with a few jokes that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report do every night, was “just way too impossible at this late date. I mean, we only had a year! Look at Spiderman; they’re not ready and he has superpowers.”

Polizzi, who noted that “my name even sounds sorta like ‘poltics’ right?” was eager to jump in at the last minute when “dude told me it’s open bar.”

The poof-coiffed Guidette is expected to bring her trademark biting political satire to bear and her targets will certainly include President Obama but the diminutive zinger slinger said she has “a lot of surprises planned and also plans on “doing a lot of physical stuff, like smooshing with the Prez” and certainly is not afraid to fight, as evidenced in several segments of her pithy, thought-provoking series. When asked if she plans to outdo the memorable and sizzling performance of Stephen Colbert she displayed her rapier wit. “I don’t know the guy but if his name is Stephen Cold Beer let’s go!”

She is also famously remembered for her remarks to Michelle Obama in a New Jersey nightclub  “geez you is usin’ way too much spray tan,”  

“When Snooki Has a Best-Selling ‘Novel’ It’s Over!Nostradamus

Go to my home page https://qualityshows.wordpress.com

Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush and Memoirs Direct to Dustbin

April 27, 2010 Leave a comment

Bush Adeptly Fielding a Call from the President

America Asks: “Who Wrote It?”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

Cheney Administration spokesman George W. Bush has a “real high school-sized”  hard cover book which briefly appeared last November. The memoir, expected to be full of lies begins with the name of the author. The title Decision Points is based on the term “decision pints” used by the staff when they would bet on how many “pints” of beer that he would consume before he found out what his decision was told to him.

It is likely that Bush was involved in the book in some way, such as selecting photos, approving of the font used, etc. In order to give Bush the illusion that he is actually “writin’ a book”, Cheney had given him a large newsprint pad and some markers for him to attempt to write some anecdotes that were used as photo captions, which sources said is “pretty much all he reads when you give him a “college type” book. “Them college books are heavy! Bush described his as “even bigger that the one by Snooki and, uh, when it comes to, uh, mattering, size, uh, fool me once.”

One of the highlights to commemorate

One passage that experts said seems to be completely re-written “with school type words” is Bush’s description of his (sic) foreign policy:“Whenever we see something another country has that we want, or Israel tells us to get it for them, you gotta come out bombin’ then keep on kickin’ ‘em when they’re down, punch it in the red zone,then move in so they can’t get their stuff back. It’s win-win.”

Bush’s love of books is mainly evidenced by the fact that his wife Laura was a librarian, and was demonstrated in his comments on reading My Pet Goat to second graders in Florida as the World Trade Center was bombed: “I wish I could have finished reading it. We were getting to an exciting part when the goat left the pen. I still don’t know what happened to him! But he probably was gonna get eaten somewhere they eat goat, like maybe Boston.  Y’see what I’m sayin’? There’s a time for politics and there’s a time for goat.”

It is also worth noting that Bush’s Secret Service detachment gave him exra time to read since it is normal procedure for the Secret Service to immediately whisk the “President” away to safety immediately when there is an attack. Some claim this implied foreknowledge of the attacks. Okay, I do. The only reason he wasn’t taken to a “secure, secret undisclosed location” like Warren Buffet’s rec room could be that they knew he had nothing to worry about. Too bad they didn’t read Silver Blaze, a Sherlock Holmes novel in which Holmes solves the case by knowing the only reason the guard dogs didn’t bark was because they knew the perpetrators.

Finally, for those who don’t recall, here is George W. Bush’s “farewell address”, truthified by me.

Carly Fiorina Depicts Opponent’s Death in New Attack Video!

March 30, 2010 8 comments

Insane, Extravagant Video for Crazed Former HP Head and Receptionist Depicts Death of California Senator Barbara Boxer

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved

A new attack video posted on YouTube by an obviously megalomaniacal California Senatorial candidate Carly Fiorina has gone so far over the top and over the edge of decency and taste by depicting the death of her rival. Fiorina has hired a production company with a budget that could likely solve California’s debt crisis and created a video whose Tim Burton-inspired effects and message are inflated with the noxious methane of her ego and her values.

There is little to say. See for yourself. Then please comment. I am out of words about this so I want to hear from you. Also, you must read John Gabree’s excellent blog for much more: http://www.impracticalproposals.com/

Categories: Politics, Social Issues

Guest Columnist: Larry King

March 26, 2010 3 comments

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! invited talk show host and syndicated columnist Larry King to post one of his gems of a column

By ”Larry King“ (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Guest Columnist Larry King

Tiger Woods is now fifteen over par on his marriage. That’s a lot of strokes for the front nine…. Did you know Elin Nordregen has a twin sister? That would be a sweet two-putt… With so many people claiming it’s ”my idea“ that looming Windows 7 lawsuit is going to be a doozy!… Had some kasha at Nate & Al’s today. When it comes to grains, ka$ha is money…  Am I the only one who noticed? Hockey is just soccer on ice ….Here’s one for the books: the Baltimore Orioles are the only team whose full team name is the same as a species, unless there are actually some Toronto Blue Jays in the wild… Two words: buttered toast… Gotta say it: Lady Gaga? I love that guy!… I never took Jimmy Cameron to make a horror movie. That Abbatoir sounds too scary for me… Pound for pound, has there been a better singer than Celine Dion?… I thought I was going to Wolf’s show but I accidentally wandered into ”Mike the Situation’s Room“… Got a great spray tan though… … You can say I said so: Kirstie Alley is going to make people forget Kirstie Alley… Viagra or Cialis? It says a lot about you. …You ever seen anybody make a pair of glasses look better than Sarah Palin? She ought to sign a deal with LensCrafters… That Ashley Greene could paint my red suspenders on her body anytime… When you say “perky” you say Jean Harlow … Cinnamon on warm milk is like a monkey on a motorbike — delicious!… Underrated? Stool softener… Speaking of which, thanks and see you next time.

Larry

Categories: Comedy and Satire

New York Lawmaker Wants to Ban Salt!

March 11, 2010 Leave a comment

Craziness Goes Even Further in Ignoring Wars, Economy, Health and Real Life

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

New York State Representative Felix Ortiz has introduced legislation calling for a ban on salt in restaurant meals. The somehow-elected methane-extruding distractionist has submitted this morsel of dead tripe into his serving of  this major load of crapola:

“No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food,” the bill reads. Any restaurant caught by the new government job as “salt investigator” (CSI: New York? Criminal Salt Investigation?) would be fined $1000.

“New York City is considered the restaurant capital of the world. If they banned salt, nobody would come here anymore,” said Tom Collichio, star of “Top Chef”, apparently a TV show, and owner of Craft, likely a good restaurant.

“Anybody who wants to taste food with no salt, go to a hospital and taste that,” he said.

As the wars rage, the economy collapses, our health care kills instead of heals, idiots like these provide distraction with cheap headline-grabbing non-issues that I would never fall for. I would certainly never give his issue any coverage. Right?

Of course not! I have to watch Jersey Shore and measure Snooki’s “poof”. Just say that: “Snooki’s poof.” This is America.

Iraq: Private Contractors are Thieving, Lying Criminals

February 21, 2010 8 comments

What Republicans Don’t Want You to See

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

Filmmaker Robert Greenwald was invited to testify before Congress about his research and experience in Iraq. He brought a short film. Republicans did not want it shown. This shocking clip shows the real corruption behind this evil war.

Visit his channel: Brave New Films at youtube.com/user/bravenewfilms

My First Reaction to the State of The Union Address

January 27, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

As I watch the President make his State of the Union address, these thoughts come to mind

  • Biden is nodding like a bobblehead. Now 50% off at the White House Store!
  • Doubling exports over the next five years will create two million new jobs. Where?  Merry Christmas, India. All we can export are weapons. And  NBA logo jerseys.
  • The bank bailout is like “root canal”? I’d rather have root canal!
  • “We might face a second Depression.” Oh, you mean like the one yesterday?
  • On the war in Afghanistan: “There will be difficult days ahead. But I am confident we will succeed.” Oh I’ll bet we’ll do as well as Alexander the Great or the Soviet Union.
  • The threat of nuclear weapons is “perhaps the greatest danger to the American people.” A reference to Iran, obviously. What about Israel? They actually have nuclear weapons and are not signatory to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. By U.S. law, we are therefore not allowed to provide weapons to that country. Yet, those white phosphorus bombs in Gaza are “proudly made in the USA.”
  • I think we’re living in an American Twilight Zone.
Categories: Comedy and Satire

What If Obama Had Won The Election?

January 17, 2010 Leave a comment

As President McCain Heads into His Second Year, What Might Have Been Different?

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved.

In the wee hours of election night 2008, the promise of change did indeed seem possible until Senator John McCain’s stunning last-minute surprise upset. While some were rightfully suspicious of the results, the McCain camp explained their triumph as “unpolled Americans came out in force and expressed their preference in the privacy of the poll booth rather than risk being called ‘racist’.

After President McCain’s first year, filled with angst, turmoil, and more of the same, I have decided to speculate on what America would be like today had Senator Obama won the election which so many assumed he would.

First of all, there is no way an Obama administration would have turned the economy into shambles with a massive bank bailout. ”His populist voter base would never stand for it,“ I wrote just a few short months ago. “Obama stands for change we can believe in, and this is far from it.” Senator Obama announced his alternative, which was greeted with huge enthusiasm, according to the 86% of Americans who “strongly approved” of his bold plan to pay off all consumer credit cards instead of money going directly to financial institutions.

His rousing speech at the Mall of America’s food court level with over 100,000 Minnesotans below him braving minus 23 temperatures and reminding Americans of the glory days of ”shopping. Not just for flat screen TVs or other necessities. My plan would relieve Americans of onerous debt while still providing lenders with plenty of profit and not to mention a real stimulus for consumers, with balances becoming zero balances, fresh new credit limits and rolled down interest rate caps to allow them to spend again, thus creating jobs for American workers, given my stipulation that all new credit card expenditures be spent within the United States for American cars, American products, and American vacation destinations.

Instead we have the McCain Administration’s failed “Cash for Clunkers” automobile buying incentive, which Senator Obama hilariously ridiculed on Late Night with David Letterman with his quip that “okay, I’ll admit the President did indeed give cash for clunkers, but those clunkers are the big banks and desperate failing automakers, lobbyists for special interest groups, and brokerage houses. Clunkers if I’ve ever seen one, and I should know. I drive a Pacer.” The video clip of Obama and Letterman driving around Wall Street and Harlem in the Pacer for the interview has been downloaded over 95 million times on YouTube.

Vice-President Palin, in one of her numerous gaffes since taking office, denounced Obama as “on the wrong side of the financial equation, like reparations for slavery there should be no free lunch!”

President McCain’s continuation of the Cheney-Bush foreign policy agenda is surely something that an Obama Administration would not accept. No Obama administration would consider sending more troops to Afghanistan such as President McCain has announced. While admitting “it takes some time to change the direction of a mighty cruise ship (but) I am committed to finalizing our presence in Iraq and Afghanistan and repairing our image with the rest of the world”. Likewise, President McCain’s continued unconditional support of Israel would be counter to a President Obama’s promise to strive for peace and a moratorium on settlements and saber-rattling toward Iran. McCain’s celebrated taunt to Iran regarding their supposed nuclear weapons program – “bring it on!” – would never be countenanced by a moderate Obama Administration where negotiation would be favored over confrontation.

Likewise, President McCain’s confusing health care initiatives, which are considered by most Obama supporters as more profit for the private sector, would never be tabled by an Obama administration. Obama won overwhelming praise for his much simpler, more clearly defined health care plan – “Medicare for All.” He won another huge swell of popular opinion by pointing out that the bonuses and salaries paid to 50% of the CEO’s of the largest pharmaceutical and health related industries would provide insurance for every man, woman, and child in the country while keeping their corporations profitable.

Democratic Senator John Conyers (D-Michigan) inadvertently aided the cause by being caught on tape aired on The Daily Show admitting that he had not even read the 1,000-page bill saying “who has time for that?” Stewart’s dry reply “I feel you bro.“ led to thousands of t-shirts, cardboard signs, and late night talk shows on an upswell of gratitude for a new catch phrase.

Of course, the scandal over the resignation of Vice-President Palin for her celebrated gaffes would never be made by the more experience Joe Biden. It is hard to imagine Biden saying something as stupid as Palin’s “send the homeless to Afghanistan. They need jobs. It’s a win-win.”

Finally, America today would not be so polarized. As 450,000 people marched on Washington last week, with countless taser arrests (15 of the 22 deaths attributed to controversial use of the 50,000-volt device, new weapons directed by SWAT teams to ”disperse unlawful assemblies“, aerial surveillance, and addition of thousands of innocent names to the ever-expanding terror watch list, Senator Obama said in his catalyzing speech at the Lincoln Memorial, “the First Amendment is the founding principle of the Bill of Rights and cannot be trampled by government. Behind me stands the symbol of the blood that was shed to keep this country free from all enemies, foreign or domestic.“ Clearly a President Obama would not approve the continuation of torture. The backdrop of the serene Lincoln was an ominous metaphor for the American divide, today not regional but along class and other lines.

Clearly had Senator Obama won the election, America would likely be a different, more benign place with a respect for the people and not for the oligarchy that the McCain Administration considers its constituency.

Alas, in the words of the late Robert F. Kennedy, “there are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Got Snookied! Drunk, High Rush Limbaugh Thinks He’s on CNN, Shows up at “Mike the Situation’s” Room Instead

January 9, 2010 Leave a comment

By Joe Bodolai, Copyright 2010, All rights reserved

“Nice abs, Wolf. Need anything?” Probably no more to come…

Categories: Comedy and Satire
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