Archive

Posts Tagged ‘TSA’

TSA Recruiting Pedophiles on Craigslist, “You Can Fondle Miss USA!”

November 16, 2010 3 comments

Pedophiles, Sex Offenders, Freelance Thugs, and Defrocked Priests Flock to New Jobs

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

“We Just Got a Former Miss USA here and these super hot women are the best way for terrorists to operate. We have to examine them extremely carefully, leaving no fold unfondled or breast unturned. And the nude photos will require further study by our trained sex off… officials,” said Transportation Sexual Assault spokesgroper Wayne Probst.” “I mean, she can lie all she wants but when you see the video you can tell she’s hot and requires a good groping. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t do my job as thoroughly as possible over and over and over again. I can’t just wipe my hands and let her go.”

They’re making me go – making me do this. Making me choose to either get molested, because that’s what I feel like and, or, or, go through this machine that’s completely unhealthy and dangerous. I don’t want to go through it, and here I am crying.” — Former Miss USA Susie Castillo

The Transportation Sexual Assault board is now recruiting on Craigslist for new gropers, squeezers, laptop droppers, and lumpen mouth-breathing  power trippers as the busy holiday travel season approaches. Next week’s Thanksgiving weekend is traditionally the busiest travel time of the year, with the popular Major Religion Shopping Season to follow immediately afterward. “College coeds claiming to be going to games, MILF-type women in sexy sweaters, sneaky blogger types with books or computers, or precocious three year olds with suspiciously cute stuffed animals may be concealing nuclear titty weapons, nice ass bombs, testicle implant devices, wheelchair-powered incendiary charges, prosthetic leg devices containing more than three ounces of liquid,  or any stuff we haven’t made up yet so we’re going to have to get our hands in deep,” said TSA spokesgroper Cletis Yokelmuster, the agency’s Director of Lingerie, Panties, and Accidental Trouser Stains and former Archbishop of  Tulsa, explained. “Those fancy laptops they have might be loaded with porn we don’t have so we need to destroy it for their own protection. And don’t even get me started on those hidden tampons! You wouldn’t believe where they hide ’em! Sometimes I feel like one of those French truffle-sniffing pigs.”

CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE

Transportation Sexual Assault ad on Craigslist Seeks Pedophiles, Sex Offenders, Priests, Goons

Yokelmuster also pointed out that the TSA has “every right” to do “whatever the (copulate) we want” to passengers by “Executive (copulating)’ Order”. “We need people who don’t have a problem grabbing no matter what age. He explained that “look, I don’t like feeling up some 87 old grandmother in Depends for no reason, okay? That’s Jimbo over there. That’s his scene, I mean, area of expertise. I’m more of a middle school cheerleader or altar boy terrorism suspect expert.”

TSA Procedures Are "Time Tested and Hot"

He also pointed out that the TSA is merely “doing what authorities have had to do for centuries — get chicks naked and terrorize the (sentient fecal matter) out of guys too. And hey, kids may be cute, but we already know that terrorism is pretty much everything or at least anything we say it is… Or don’t.” Some historic antecedents for the new TSA policies were on display in a nine-minute  XXX-rated PowerPoint presentation which unfortunately ended prematurely. Spokesmen blamed the premature ending on “Windows 7 crashing from the processors getting too hot to handle the speed and the motion of my nimble talented fingers on the delicate keyboard.” UPDATE: TSA goons at LAX volunteered for free overtime for “extra thorough security searches” last night as news spread that Rihanna and Katy Perry were traveling on the same flight.

New Naked Body Scanners Can be Fun, says Spokeshole

For a look at how the new machines and techniques are being received by Americans, Say it Ain’t So, Joe! provides this video report:

Notice: the above post contains the term “sentient fecal matter” and should be read accordingly.

TSA Introduces New “Hot or Not?” Naked Body Scanners

March 30, 2010 8 comments

Passengers Rate Others to Win Prizes, Reduce Opposition to Invasion of Privacy

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010 All rights reserved

In the wake of the Moscow subway bombing, the Naked Body Scan Industry expects to supply their equipment to subway stations, bus stops, malls, schools, hospitals, movie theaters, and more. In an effort to overcome resistance to such unconstitutional invasions, they have announced a new feature by which other passengers, guests, or visitors could rate each other as “hot or not”.

Not hot but packin'

“No matter what they say, people like looking at pictures of naked people,” said Don LeBureau, spokesman for the new ThinkPink scanner, expected to launch later this year. “The old technology really provides poor quality, like sex videos shot in night vision. We’re going all the way with ours, so now people will no longer be bored standing in line for an hour or so.” The new scanners will project actual naked pictures to the public. “People might resist this at first, but when they find out they can vote “hot or not” and compete for great prizes, like Target gift cards, Omaha Steaks, and Zune mp3 players, that resistance will melt faster than my penis looking at a nude Kirstie Alley,” said LeBureau. “Hot people obviously will be very popular and the voting should be as intense as American Idol, but Not Hot people will also have a chance to win. Those who correctly pick the Hottie of the Hour will also be eligible for prizes. That’s really democraticish. We really gotta thank those Black Widows who bombed Moscow for helping our marketing. I love those guys.”

UPDATE! Transportation Sexual Assault Now Recruiting Pedophiles, Defrocked Priests, Goons on Craigslist!

 

Categories: Comedy and Satire

Headlines from the Near Future

January 15, 2010 Leave a comment

HEADLINES FROM THE NEAR FUTURE

By Joe Bodolai © All rights reserved

  • TSA Claims “100% Success” In Preventing “Bearded Terrorists” From Boarding Planes. “Amish No Longer a Threat”
  • Viagra, Cialis, Forced to Admit “Four Hour Erection” Just a Lie, but “Made Ya Buy it, Right?”
  • Mark McGwire Admits to Steroid Use, Somehow This Makes News? Gazans Ask

Headlines I’d Like to See

January 13, 2010 2 comments

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

  • Apple Announces Major New Feature for iPhone: Actual Phone Calls
  • Christian Scientists Reject Mandatory Health Insurance, Pointing Out Status as ”Religion“, not ”Scientists Who Happen to Be Christian, You (Redacted) Idiots!“
  • Rogue Screeners Launch TSASexTube.com With New Tila Tequila “Ghost Sex Scan Video” Featuring 18-inch Airport Magic Wand
Categories: Comedy and Satire
%d bloggers like this: