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IF THIS WERE Y0UR LAST DAY ALIVE WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

December 23, 2011 575 comments

By Joe Bodolai

Bacon, eggs, vagina. Oh sure, there’s more…

It's much worse than this actually.

Things I Think Will Happen Next Year

  • Sales of Mayan Calendars up  for 2012, drop for 2013.
  • Martial Law in the USA, first probably in Louisiana
  • Depression greater than that of the 30’S
  • More wars for Israel, our rulers. Probably Syria soon.
  • War with Iran (!) for Israel may trigger WW3 conflict with Russia
  • World Supply of Band Names will run out
  • Americans will go along with this, but resisters will be FEMA camped.
  • America the one I loved, the one my dad fought for on Omaha Beach on D-DAY, the man who helped take out the machine guns on the cliff, won’t be alive to see young men wearing uniforms and BE the enemy he fought.
  • Fascism will be America. It already is. Simple definition: When government rules over corporations, that’s socialism. When corporations use government that, my friends, is fascism.
  • Foreign troops may likely be used in popular insurrections.
  • Snooki will have another “book”.

Stuff I Would Like to Have Seen In My Life

  • Truth about 9-11. THREE buildings went down that day. Building 7 wasn’t even hit.
  • Indians winning a World Series (OK, not so bad since my Jays won two in a row!)
  • Browns winning a Super Bowl
  • Truth about the JFK murder
  • Young people mobilizing for change instead of watching E!
  • USA not being Israel’s puppet bully.
  • An American awards show being half as good as mine. Or, basically, getting a chance here. I can run a show. I can create a show.
  • All those new girls I like naked liking me as much as I liked them
  • Living in Paris or New York again

Say what?

Things I Regret

  • My inability to conquer my alcoholism
  • The things I did because of it
  • Leaving Canada
  • Moving to Los Angeles
  • Not fighting harder or making a better deal to stay with The Comedy Network I helped create
  • Not being able to live up to the helping hand so many wonderful people offered me
  • The hurt I caused in my family, friends, and maybe even strangers.
  • That I am no longer able to withstand any more of life’s pain
  • Most of all, the pain I have caused and am now causing my sons and the love of my life, my ex-wife Bianca, my love and connection with her is infinite
  • The fact I will never get to repay the love and generosity you all deserve
  •  Lisa.

Things I am Proud Of.

Or Just My Life When I was Really Alive, or just a point form autobiography

(In chronological order, not in order of priority. You decide that.)

Merry? Happy?

  • My two sons, who have grown into graceful, intelligent, strong, handsome, creative and loving young men.
  • My twenty some years with the greatest love of my life, Bianca. I caused her pain, exasperation, but we also shared love, joy, and an indescribable special unique language of the heart that only we spoke. The greatest gift anyone could ever have. I love her in the words that really trivialize the words “I love you.” She defined that emotion for me and made my life worth living. If there is a loving god, she was my blessing.
  • Never being unfaithful to any woman I was with. Although close. Very close. You know who you are ladies. Except you alluring strangers. Sorry. Phew.
  • Helping my mom to read and write English after my dad died when I was ten
  • Asking my priest “Can God Make Something Heavier Than He Can Lift?”  Please read this: http://wp.me/pKBYM-dP
  • 1600 on my SATs and got into a good college, Allegheny in Meadville, PA a 90 minute drive. (Also got accepted to Yale, Amherst, and Johns Hopkins but couldn’t afford the travel or probably the parking fees.)
  • Resisting the Vietnam War with daily activism, action, writing, demonstrating, traveling to Washington, tear gas, etc.
  • Campaigning for Robert Kennedy, then feeling the shock of his murder]
  • Leaving America and going to Paris after that
  • All the 24/7 sex I had on the trip by ten days at sea (292 girls on board, three guys, seriously. Girlfriends all over France for the next year. Learned French.)
  • Becoming involved with Parisian students in 1968 in a wider cultural movement, learning how to silkscreen posters. Getting hit by a flic’s rubber coated  lead baton
  • When I was Young. When I had Hope

  • Deciding to return to university, going to Cambridge, talking my way in to King’s College (had the transcripts, the grades, and crushed the interview.)
  • Being in the wings at Footlights and getting one line in a sketch. Python legacy. Had no idea how huge they were a year later. John effin’ Cleese!
  • The idyllic but ivory tower wonder seeming evil after watching the Chicago 1968 Convention and deciding to leave for the real world and back to the fight. No more punting on the Cam to Grantchester and reading Rupert Brooke as I floated back.
  • Transferring to the University of Manchester, home of the RSSF (Revolutionary Socialists Students Federation), a working class city with a “redbrick” instead of the prestige of Cambridge and a huge activist student base.
  • My Art History Tutor, Alastair Smith, becoming Curator at the National Gallery in London and taking classes with him in our tutorial group (just four of us) by train every Monday to London to walk through the gallery with him. Seeing original Piero della Francesca’s fingerprints on the canvas. Wow.
  • Returning to the US and becoming a very prominent small town anti-war activist. Then leaving for Canada as a draft resister, not “dodger”. (Dick Cheney and George Bush are dodgers. I resisted. I was wanted by the FBI.).
  • Becoming one of the first video artists in the world, as SONY gave me and a few other artists the world’s first portable video camera and recorders. (Heavy backpacks, reel to reel, cameras bigger than today’s catered lunches.)
  • Showing my work (comedy videos) at the AGO, New York, Museé d’art Contemporain in Paris, etc.
  • Ted Kennedy intervening in my case to drop charges due to illegal activities by the FBI and CIA against me. (Long story. Very interesting and relevant today.)
  • Helping bring Major League Baseball to Toronto by helping start the Toronto Blue Jays as first Publicity Information Director. Fifth person hired. Set Major League record for most attendance by first year expansion team despite 107 losses. Huge fun.
  • Moving to New York to work for Warner Bros. in development. Reading a script and at 11:00 at night calling my head of production to send it over in a cab saying “Read this! It’s so greenlight if this goes it is to win Best Picture and if not it’s the best screenplay I’ve read since I’ve been here. Read it tonight Diane.” It was Kramer vs. Kramer. We lost it to Paramount. I was right though. (There is likely more informed info on this story but this was just my experience with it.)
  • Being told by Jean Doumanian that I wasn’t “funny enough to write for SNL but you’re spoken of highly. Can you type?” Notes on a script shown to me by another writer: “make it funnier.” (This is background for the famous article in The New Yorker.
  • Writing for SNL after Lorne sacked her. (Huge long story here. I discuss this on a podcast and more. Please listen: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/crobama/2011/08/13/joe-bodolai
  • SNL. Wow, what fun. Wish I had been more ready for it as I was very alternative. So I was assigned to work with Andy Warhol on his few videos for the show.  I could write a lot about this. The glorious Rosie Shuster is more than I can describe. The lightning of her mind, the warm comfort of her enormous heart was a gift from a god that only exists when I think of people like her and my friends like you.
  •  Becoming a very very minor “co-owner” of the Utica Blue Sox in the New York-Penn League with an unaffiliated independent team and winning the championship in like 1983. Spent the summer in low level minor league ball. Amazing fun. Real owners were Van Schley, Bill Murray, John Alexander and the bogus Roger Kahn. Long story here about this guy. Missed the whole story, wrote a book. Total fiction. What a loss. Reality was so much more.
  • Coming back to Canada and working with the wonderful John Brunton, whose friendship and talent I have missed for so many years. Great hilarious speech at my wedding.
  • Creating “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll!” and winning a Gemini and launching Mike Myers as Wayne and pretty much opening the door for his amazing talent.
  • Lorne asking me to produce Kids in the Hall. Long story here. He didn’t tell me that HBO was going to cancel the show after the first season. I kept it alive. Honest to god. The cast and crew had no idea what I did and I didn’t either. It would not have gone to season two had I not become the me I loved. Thinking on my feet in the breakfast meeting in the HBO boardroom with Bridget Potter. The Kids have no idea. Ask John Blanchard, who was there but probably will not get what I did. I saved his job too. I fuckin’ kicked ass.
  • Writing the first draft of Wayne’s World with Mike Myers. I kinda knew our draft was really a second movie, not an expository first reveal, but my heart wanted him to find his voice. He sure did. (The second movie? Nothing to do with me. Wow, did it suck.)
  • My Gemini Awards. I was a writer on the first, and then produced the four highest rated shows in the history of the show. I made them comedy shows. I made news anchors do sketches. I produced the best awards shows in Canada and can kick the shit out of the worse shit they do here.
  • Comics! 115 episodes, eight seasons. Designed to unleash Canadian comedy on TV.  After I took the job, offered by Sandra Faire, I was asked “how are you going to find 13 comics to do a whole series?”
  • I changed the concept Sandra presented me. Instead of a documentary/reality model I said “no, don’t take cameras into clubs. Let me stage performances on a set so it looks like people would pay $50 to be there and use the b-roll budget for whatever they want to express.” It worked. When we finally got into prime time, we were over a million an episode. That’s huge.
  • CBC wanted to cancel the show, which originally was buried at 11:00 and no promo. Sandra called me to give me the news. I said, “no fucking way. This is the future of Canadian comedy development.” I went into George Anthony’s office, Sandra on the couch behind me not saying a word, and I demanded that they recognize that for the little money the show cost the benefits are your entire comedy development/talent budget on a shoestring.
  • I was on fire.
  • I won.
  • Now I had a greater mission. I wanted a channel. I felt the huge failure of comedy, such as sitcoms, on Canadian television, could only be successful if showrunners were comedy writers, not Telefilm form fillers. This is one of the proudest accomplishments I have seen come true. Mark Farrell, Brent Butt, so many more of you….
  • I remember believing in Mark and teaching him silly things like “pencil not pen. Change pages? Turn the upper right corner…” Knew he was the guy.
  • Ivan Fecan asked me to help him go for the CRTC bid for a comedy channel. I was fired up like you can’t believe. Made a horrible handshake deal with a guy I worked with on radio in the 70’s.
  • We won. I kicked ass at the CRTC. Video here. We showed this to the CRTC. Game was over.
  • http://www.youtube.com/qualityshows#p/search/0/fAnBauKcA2c
  • Then surreality happened. My handshake disappeared. I got offered a deal my lawyer described as “they want you to walk away. This is an insult.” I objected. The next day they hired Ed Robinson.  I like Ed, but…
  • So I was fucked. All those years, all that good faith, and now nothing? I had offers in LA, but didn’t want to do that. I love Canada. I love Canadian comedy, the POV, the sweet pomegranate seal meat mixture of it, the lack of mean with the Robin Hood arrows, and now I created the opportunity I dreamed about… gone?

Turn Yours On if You Work in Television

  • By the way, most comics thought of me as a “CBC executive” rather than as a colleague fighting for us in the room. It’s okay. I did all right. I may not do standup or like one of you, but my mission was a lot bigger than jokes then. I hope I served you well.
  • I moved to LA as it seemed I was totally fucked by Canadian television. So…. did some great work as a “show doctor” on helping people with their pilots and sales tapes with a great company called LaunchPad. I got to work with Ryan Seacrest and Ray Romano and others. I kept an NBC strip daytime reality series on the air by just basically taking over and taking their material and re-visioning it.
  • Then the two guys who owned the company split up, before Christmas. As the guy who left was on my side of the equation (creative not promos) I ended up losing at least a year of work. I can’t cut promos. I’m just not a fit for that. I loved working with writers on their shows.
  • Meeting and working with the amazing gift from the comedy god that is Sarah Hyland, the funniest woman on earth. Going to her home in Louisville for Christmas and taping (yeah, remember tape?) and shooting with her and her wonderful real life character Gail, her mum. Please watch my wonderful truly improvised videos with her at http://youtube.com/qualityshows
  • The gorgeosity that is Cherie. No words here. She did save my life for real in a psychic connection we have that would just make you think we are crazier than we are. We were a very odd duo. Wow though, so different me and this girly girl is one of the most beautiful women on earth. Love Unlikely actually.
  • So look at Canadian television comedy today. Showrunners are becoming more and more comedy writers or performers. You need to keep the fight against formfillers as “producers.” Canadian TV? It’s still fucked up with no promos, no other industry support that can compete with the money assault of US media. Only faith in the quality and morality of it has a chance. Every Canadian comedy show is probably doomed by money. Hence, I created Comics! as a throw the dice and see who will step up. I think I am so proud of helping liberate comedy talent. Russell, you hearing me?
  • Look at the list of people whose first break on TV and faith in their creative genius I believed in. Wow. I am so proud. Mark Farrell was the first Comics! we taped. I gave first TV appearances to Russell Peters on three different shows (!)as well. Ron James was there but now he has a show. Anna Gustafson sent me a tape from Lund, B.C. and now she is living her life. Bonnie McFarlane. Her podcast is so amazing you must get on this. It’s called “Bonnie and Vos” or something. I’d probably not want to be married to him either but she’s from Cold Lake, Alberta so funny obnoxious controlling Jews are probably what is down in her pants. Get on this podcast people!
  • (I remember Bonnie’s Comics! episode where she wanted to do a new set and couldn’t remember it. So nervous. I said. “It’s just tape. Keep it in your pocket. If you take it out, we can edit it out. The audience will love you more knowing that you work, you write, just let them know this.” She forgot her set. We used it in her episode. One of the great cool unusual moments in a comedy performance ever. “Okay people, I forgot my set.” Pulls the paper from her tight back pocket jeans and the audience is like me. In love. Applause break. Especially since her comedy then was so dangerously dark at surprising moments mixed with observational okaycharmingness and then an anexoria joke.  And she had the t-shirt, jeans, no boobage enhancement.  At least I got them to brush her gorgeous hair.
  • Cold Lake. Bonnie, you should tell Rich that’s the name of your pussy on your amazingly great podcast.
  • I’m proud of my life. Not how I lived it. How some of the things I did maybe are more okay than the things people who don’t have my life did awful things.
  • I feel so proud of you all. I am so proud of having worked to do some of the following things:
  • Raised money and worked for Mercy Corps, IRC, OxFam, NRDC. We need to do more.  Please people, look them up. Help.
  • Bristol Bay is a chemical Chernobyl we cannot let happen.  Please go to NRDC for info.
  • “IF YOU DON’T LIKE GAY MARRIAGE, TELL STRAIGHT COUPLES TO STOP HAVING GAY BABIES!”
  • Helped HRC with the huge campaign to win marriage equality in New York. That went viral but not mine. Just know it helped me work on some GOP support that helped. Wow, what a Friday night that was. June 24.
  • So many long-suffering people. I watched a video of a mother carrying her dead infant searching for water. Somalia. MercyCorps field worker showed me. Somalia.
  • SOMALIA AND DOWNTOWN LA
  • THAT WAS A TIME OUT FOR TEARS. I heard the girl’s voice on the video. She was carrying her dead child. Carrying her dead baby. God, if you exist, you are fucking evil so you treat your people on earth like this?
  • Tell me the difference between god and the devil.
  • I don’t believe in a “loving God.” I perhaps believe in one sick superfuck evil.
  • I don’t know what more visions of hell I can see, but my life seems to be providing them.
  • The shelter I am volunteering in may be my new home. I call it “Shawshank Summer Camp.” 65 men on cots in one big space where sleep is victimhood.
  • … and a Happy New Year.

I don’t need replies or comments or anything. I need to feel the good that I did and whatever good I have ever done for you is enough for me. May you all have the happy lives you deserve. Thank you all for being in my life.

Love,

Joe

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving Night on a Los Angeles Bus

December 3, 2011 4 comments

This is What I Still Have to Live For… I guess.

© 2011, Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved

This is what I saw on a Thanksgiving night bus ride last year after volunteering serving dinner to the homeless. Sorry for the shaky video. It’s just another night in the underclass. By the way, the woman in the cutaway says “Driver! Control the electronic disease.”  Meaning my phone.

The Best 6-4-3 I Ever Saw

December 2, 2011 3 comments

Major Plays Don’t Have to Happen in the Major Leagues

© 2011 Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved

I used to coach in a youth baseball league in Toronto for boys and girls from nine to 12 years old, the equivalent of Little League. My team included my son, the best player on the team, for all three years. For the first two years we won the league championship because I basically coached up all the kids instead of relying on the best boys as the other coaches did. Our seasons started with losses, some pretty bad, because I wanted everyone to learn every position on the field. I spent time teaching fundamentals to every player, such as how to properly throw, how to field a ground ball, judge a fly ball, position for the throw, etc. We got better game after game and were a totally balanced team and better as the season went on. I could play any kid at any position, even my girls at first and short, unlike the other teams who relied on their best boys every game.

I told the kids that if somebody says “you throw like a girl” that is going to be a compliment.

By the end of the season we had now twice beaten the horrible mean-spirited team that taunted us in their 19-1 win in our season opener. We were in the finals. I hated this coach. He allowed and even participated in abusive taunting so I really wanted revenge.

Now this team, ironically named the Expos, was 10 boys and four girls. My team was 8 girls and six boys. I had my son and his friend Zack who were two of the best players in the league, a couple square peg daydreamers, a tough as nails little Layla, a six-foot tall future model Claire often more concerned about accessorizing her uniform, a sweet shy hitless wonder Robbie, and a delightful little English rose named Blythe. Her parents had no clue but were at every game and I explained as the games went on.

Before the game, one of the most odiously arrogant but best hitter of the Expos made the mistake of saying something to Layla like “you suck. You throw like a girl.” Wrong girl to say that to. “Damn right I throw like a girl. Let’s see if you can hit like one.”(This was I thing I said at practices as a pump up confidence thing for the girls and a solidarity thing for the boys.) I pulled Layla over and said, “okay, how’d you like to pitch?” I was going to start Dani but moved her to first base. Layla was going to throw smoke. It was already coming out of her nostrils.

When I coach my kids I always teach what I call positional compassion with situation anticipation. In other words, those are my fancy coachspeak terms for “okay, on every pitch I want you to think what you need to do if the ball comes to you. Got it? Now I also want you to know what you have to do if the ball goes to somebody else. That’s what makes us a team, right?”

I also, by the way, forgot to tell you that at this level I do not follow conventional batting order strategy. I bat my two best power hitters one-two. My son leads off, Zack second, then whomever can just put the ball in play third and fourth. My thought is, these guys are going to get on base or more. Errors and misplays are so common at this level so I want my third hitter just to make contact. Things happen. It also means my best hitters are up more often.

Their pitcher wow seriously? Throws at my son’s head! No mistake. Whoa! Their coach shouts some macho crap and wants to intimidate. Siggy digs in. Slams a line drive into the gap for a double. Zack hits a zinger to right. Runners at first and third. Christine puts the ball in play, Siggy scores, Zack forced at second but they couldn’t make the play at the plate. We’re up 1-0.

Layla is fired up and I showed her some old school Al Hrabosky[1] “Mad Hungarian” intimidation acting and she strikes out the first boy. The next kid gets a nibbly infield single on a backing out of the box swing. Now the asshole is up. Todd, I think. I walk out to talk to Layla, who’s glaring at the kid. I make all these gestures looking as if I’m calming her down, tell her to shake her head like she’s going to calm down but what I say is, “drill him right in the ribs on the first pitch.” I didn’t care if we now had one out and two runners, it was message payback time. Layla gets it. Opens her arms as he takes the plate as if “you wanna go motherfucker?” Wham. Right in the ribs. Layla turns toward centre field smiling as he wimps to first base. Next kid strikes out bailing. Then a popup.

Due to time restrictions, we jump ahead to Todd’s next at bat. I told Layla she won’t and shouldn’t have to hit him this time. Now it’s a head game. Take a longer time before you look in at him. Before you get set, smile and then just point to first base, as if “you want to get on base? I’ll be glad to help.” Big tough kid was now out of the game. I told her come inside at the knees first pitch, he’ll bail, then work outside. Three pitch strikeout.

Okay, the final act. We’re up 4-3 thanks to my son’s two home runs and some great heads up baserunning and our hitting behind the runner overmatching their defense. Little ball. Girl ball. We are playing errorless baseball!

So the ninth, I have Christine in now and Layla at third. Zack and my son in the outfield. Todd is a non-factor but they have runners at first and third with one out. Good hitter up so I’m up for a conference at the mound. My boys in the outfield know about a sac fly so they’re ready. I talk to my girls. The ground ball goes where? Home, right? Or look the runner back and take the force at second or the out at first and the sac fly is off. So Christine is going to keep the ball down. She does not have great velocity but great control so I’m comfortable. I remind my all-girl infield, “what do you do if the ball comes to you? What do you do if the ball goes to someone else?”

My assumption is that the there will be a pull hit low grounder or liner to the right side of the infield or sneak through. Chrissie is not throwing above the, um, crotch. No fly balls.  They can tie this game up with the guy on third but the guy on first cannot get to second. One out. Okay girls? Lead runner.

Anyway, here is what happened: the batter hits a one-shot bullet to Blythe’s right but it looks like a base hit so the runner goes and she’s in no position with her body falling forward to make the throw so here’s what fucking happened. Blythe short hops, momentum moving and falling toward third but instead of going home Omar Vizquel flips the ball backhand to Claire, who is amazingly already on the bag (!), glove out and poised with foot on corner of the base and ready to go to first. She turns the ball like Robbie Alomar and fires a bullet to Dani, whose glove is out and the final out hits it with that beautiful smack of leather.  It was a game-ending 6-4-3 incredible — game ending — double play that stunned everybody for a silent moment. I run out to my girls, my whole team and parents and friends are all jumping up on the mound. “Blue Jays!” chants.

”What do you do if the ball comes to you? And what do you do if the ball goes to someone else?” The girls. Did that.

“That’s what makes us a team, right?”

I was there for Joe Carter’s home run. Devon White’s catch. Yet my heart just saw the greatest play I’ve ever witnessed.

By the way, the other team’s coach refused me the end of game handshake.

This is from a dream when I was in the hospital. It’s real. Names and details may be fucked up but the story is true, but IVs and taking vitals and blood kinda, you know..

I have the game ball signed by all the kids. It’s in storage but it’s probably the most valuable thing I own. Because “that’s what makes us a team, right?”


[1] A colourful relief pitcher for the Royals in the 70’s with some great pre-pitch theatrics. None of these kids have ever seen it. Look him up, especially video.

Categories: Sports

This is the Headline You Are Now Reading

September 5, 2011 5 comments

Joe Bodolai Posts New Blog Post

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

Joe Bodolai today posted a new blog entry consisting of 152 words[1] and two paragraphs beginning with this first sentence. Adding a quote in the second sentence, Bodolai said “I also added an image which greatly clarifies the meaning of the post,” deftly using the succinct quote to reference additional content as well as adding a seamless transition to the following paragraph in a regrettably long sentence which he hoped that in a few more words such as these might entertain the reader.

The second paragraph, in which you are now immersed, included a three word closing line. It directed readers to the image, sparking a potential grammatical debate over whether the words are a complete imperative sentence or a sentence fragment. Prior to typing the three words, Bodolai added perhaps another interrogatory sentence fragment to amplify the density of lack of meaning in the posting. The three words?  “See image below.”

The image of the yellow and black caution sign and message referencing danger added gravitas to the posting


[1] The word count does not include the headline, subhead, byline and copyright, photo caption, and this footnote.

If I Were So Rich…

August 19, 2011 1 comment

I’d autotune my life

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

If you know me, you know I can’t sing. That doesn’t seem to stop many of today’s pop stars from having the naive confidence to actually just go ahead and do it. Well, thanks to the technology of autotune I finally recorded a song that has all the symptoms of a smash. I expect to be touring major stadiums and arenas once I actually write some more songs and figure out how to lip sync. Or is it “lip synch?”

As you can see, the video’s production values are up to the quality of my amazing vocals.

Brittney, rights are available and I’ll sing backup and dance in some patent leather shorts.

Did Rupert Murdoch Hire A Pie Thrower on Craigslist?

July 19, 2011 2 comments

Rebekah Brooks Joins Evil Wizard Murdoch Cast in New “Masters of the Dark Arts”

By Joe Bodolai (c) All rights reserved.

In case you missed it, a guy with the hitman worthy name “Johnnie Marbles” struck Rupert Murdoch with a pie earlier today in the phone hacking inquiry in London.

This came just after the whistleblower, Sean Hoare, was found dead and Scotland Yard declared it “not suspicious”, which is of course the definition of suspicious.

Scotland Yard's Claim That Sean Hoare's Death is "No Suspicious" on My BS Meter

It is by no means a stretch of the imagination to think that the Murdoch media empire knows how to manipulate news, create it, and flat out make it up. We’ve seen and often enjoyed that in News of the World and despise it on Fox News (sic). I am sure there is a #pie thread going on Twitter right now. So as I was scouring the world’s Craigslist ads for a non-intern job I would not have been surprised to have come across this listing in the London “creative gigs” section. Is it the smoking pie?

CLICK ON IMAGE TO VIEW FULL SIZE

I will say this, he does get an awful lot of stuff for his reel. Meals, copy, and credit.

In related news, Rebekah Brooks has reportedly accepted an offer to star in the next blockbuster wizard movie series as an evil witch who reads the minds of dead people’s relatives and laughs at them.

Image courtesy kimberlyg5404 All rights reserved Follow her on Twitter

Florida Legalizes Murder, Post-Birth Abortion

July 5, 2011 6 comments

Verdict Sends Strong Message that “Some mothers deserve a mulligan.”

Casey Anthony Not Guilty Verdict A Victory for Post-Birth Abortion

Orlando – The verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial is already having a sweeping effect on what is called justice in Florida. Anthony, suspected of murdering her infant daughter Caylee Benet, was found not guilty on all charges relating to the death. She was convicted of a few misdemeanors but not on any of the child endangerment charges despite incredibly not reporting her daughter’s disappearance for 31 days. Sources close to Anthony say she “had no time because she was working out for a hot body contest at a fuckin’ epic new club. So, we were prioritizing so you can obviously see it was time sensitive.” Legal experts (okay just me) say this is an important step in allowing “post-birth abortion, apparently up to three years post-delivery. It’s a big win for mothers like Anthony who realize the inconvenience of having a child and deserve a mulligan.”

“Much of anti-abortion America is far more comfortable with abortion as long as it’s after the 14th trimester. Before that, they say it’s immoral, perhaps because the fetus needs to be born to “get into the system?” After that, they’re cool with it. The death penalty after all is just retroactive abortion, so you can say they’re pro-choice of choosing who they want to kill.”

The truly stunning thing is that I have no idea if Casey Anthony murdered her daughter or not. I am shocked, however, that the various child endangerment/neglect charges were somehow not proved. I only caught up to this case yesterday because she’s a brunette and it wasn’t covered much on my cable. Any woman who doesn’t report her child missing for a month and want help finding her is guilty of child abuse.

The font of all wisdom that is Kim Kardashian, an expert on legal matters such as providing sage judicial advice to her father Robert in the acquittal of O.J. Simpson in the trial of the last century expressed her outrage on Twitter moments after the verdict with her typical exclamation mark assault in the place of words to express emotion.

Perhaps forgetting that her father also helped acquit O.J. Simpson

Sources close to defense lawyer Jose Baez (no relation to Joan I am pretty much positive) said the defense team celebrated with champagne and the Baez daughters doing rounds of Jaeger body shots in anticipation of their sure to be forthcoming untitled reality show. The series was slated to be called “Keeping Up With The Baez’s”, according to somebody,”but the smartass making up this quote said the apostrophe is wrong there so I’m like what are you? A teacher?” No.

Moments later, O.J. Simpson announced that he would lead the hunt to find Caylee Anthony’s real killer if somebody would just get him the fuck out of this Vegas jail.

Florida elected George Bush. Now this. What’s next? A year ago, I wrote this after the “concealed carry and suspicion of a threat” law putting legal murder into the hands of private citizens as well as, of course, cops. This could be happening in the Sunshine State soon:

Zero Percent Murder Rate is Lowest in the Country

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

Ocala, Florida — “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,” exclaimed Ocala, Florida police chief Phil Procopio, as he showed off charts and binders full of slick graphics to indicate a 100% drop in the murder rate to 0%, the lowest rate in the country. “Legalizing murder has not only eliminated it completely, making our community unique in the country, but has also improved our ranking on Parade Magazine’s list of the 10,000 Best Places to Live in America — up two places to number 9,997! That’s a community effort we should all be proud of.”

White Floridians Applaud New Rulings

Citizens have applauded the move enthusiastically. “I used to worry about being murdered whenever I went downtown or to a ballgame, “said Gus Cherniak, a private security consultant for the Golf Manor Estates (a gated community on the north side of the city), “now we really don’t have to worry at all. This new law has taken away the fear our citizens used to have.” Now, if they feel unsure about someone, Floridians can just shoot them with an assault rifle or kill them with a taser first. “This has made life for our neighborhood citizens’ patrols much easier, instead of always worrying about legal grey areas.”

What in other communities might be called “vigilantism”, in Florida it’s called “preventive vigilantism — not that vigilantism is a bad word around here. After all, let’s remember that some of America’s greatest heroes are vigilantes. Batman, Superman, Bernard Goetz, Jack Ruby, all of them. We’re just following in what we think is a heroic American tradition”, added Cherniak. “We’re all just good old American crime-fighting superheroes.”

The only thing separating a vigilante from a superhero is a costume and a good publicist. — Joe Bodolai

Police Chief Procopio suggested that the program should go beyond Florida. “I’d like to see this law be extended nationwide, especially into communities where there are lots of prisons and Democratic voters” said the much-decorated law enforcer (a winner of the local Crime Dog Man of the Year Award from Governor Charlie Crist).

Yet, the new law really comes down to street level common sense, and increased social benefits, say advocates. “Floyd here once shot a guy messing with his satellite dish and it caused him all kinds of legal trouble, red tape, paperwork, phone calls to the Governor, and money for lawyers before it got taken care of. Now, think of the millions the government is saving by not having to incarcerate the perp! The benefits to the taxpayer are already starting to show. We’re getting new blocking sleds for the high school football team, and, for the first time in three years, new band uniforms!”

You call them vigilantes, but Batman was the founder of "citizen patrols".

You may also want to know this about the Casey Anthony trial. ABC News apparently paid $200,000 to the Anthony defense team. They also covered the trial. Think about that. While you do, is the next frontier someone pitching a sexy crime to a network and negotiating a reality show? You heard it here first. Oh, don’t believe me about ABC News, read it <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/lawyers-reveal-abc-news-paid-200000-to-casey-anthony-family_b25120&quot; title="Here” target=”_blank”>

I’m Sure I Speak for Lady Gaga and We Say: Be The Best Possible Version of Yourself.

May 21, 2011 1 comment

Suggestion in Above Headline May be Provided for My Entertainment

By Joe Bodolai © 2011, All rights reserved (except those owned by the video creators below)

Most Questions About the Universe Finally Cleared Up in Gaga Video

I admire Lady Gaga for her gagalosity, the amazing fearless personal dedication to the expression of the personal fearlessness that defies categorization and is so fearlessly personal in such a personal way… so fearlessly. She’s gagalicious. Her recent appearance to champion gay rights was done in the Pope’s back yard, and I truly do consider her a world spiritual leader.

The world is full of people expressing themselves in such idiosyncratic deeply individual ways that makes me realize we are all like fingerprints and snowflakes. You can not be duplicated; neither can the moment that goes by in which you are not yourself. Many artists find the confidence to unleash their personal wtf-ness only later in life; some blossom with the carefree confidence of the naïve. Some, like Michael Jackson or some teen stars, display enough confidence and commitment in presenting themselves early in life but become marionettes of commercial culture. Some later become controlled by financial decisions rather than the mysterious emotional and creative often unconscious lunges that speak no language but their own. Some never get the chance. Others let it pass by without knowing. Not all of this originality is great art, nor always even entertaining, but maybe it provides a singular spiritual purpose that it is not for us to know. It may speak from a place above the material and while Lady Gaga’s ideogrammatic characterizations are in step with the commercial, they are also very personal. I am not kidding when I refer to her as a “world spiritual leader”. I think I can speak for her when I say to those of you who speak your own language, leave your own fingerprints at the scene of your own crime, we love you. Which is why I love her.

Be the best possible version of yourself.

The videos below are two examples of what I mean about finding voices outside of the mainstream. Each is beyond easy articulation. Just flat out leave you speechless or “gaga”. First is a courageous, original, and funny comedy troupe from Norway. Comedian Jesper Odelsberg and his troupe: New Wheels on the Block, letting us know his balls are okay. He’s on the right track baby, he was born this way.

His Wheelchair is a Sex Machine!

The family below is European, I think. And from earth. I think. They have no self-consciousness about expressing their desire and divinely inspired determination to alleviate their collective bedwetting. The little kid brings the R&B funk to the funky bedclothes and the women of the family may or may not moonlight as Amish hookers. I hope you will sing “ain’t gonna pee-pee” aloud as you go on your way today.nkies

The Funky Bedwetter feat. the Amish Hookers



You may laugh at, you may laugh with, but just laugh so you can feel it.

When I talk about Lady Gaga’s originality, it has nothing to do with taste, or being “derivative of Madonna” or being in mainstream pop music. (Toronto artist Jana Sterback created a meat dress at the Art Gallery of Ontario in the early 70s, by the way.) Costumes are not who she is, but don’t discount the message she sends with what she wears. Some are bullied for what they wear and she sends a message to stand out. She is a major pop artist, with major talent, but she is a conceptual artist and moral force to me. A victim of bullying herself, she speaks for diversity, acceptance, choice, and respect and anyone whose bad romance can turn into a kickass dance groove. Right now, I’m just celebrating all those who gain the confidence from her to be themselves. The person you are best at being is you. Oh, and I have taken the liberty of speaking for Lady Gaga before, if you caught that irony, right here. She’s kinda busy being the she that she is.

Be Yourself, Be Your Own DNA-mazing!

Real artistic statement, even when wildly commercially successful such as Lady Gaga, can be a moral statement. I personally believe that Satire Can Help Make Evil a Bit More Uncool

For a long, casual and revealing interview with Lady Gaga, here is a link to her appearance at Google.

The “Tupac of Terror”: Osama Bin Laden Drops Another Joint! New Video

May 2, 2011 2 comments

Osama Bin Laden Still Dead Again as Americans Celebrate USA! USA!!

By Joe Bodolai, © 2011, All Rights Reserved

Note: Portions May Be Redacted in Interests of Something or Someone

The CIA and Neocons Evil Muslim Hot Chick Hating Terrorists need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They have relied on updated but outdated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention associates of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some new lookalikes. Their campaign of fake and cheesy chilling videos seems to have hit a new low frightening tone with this one. Like I said, the video Pentagon analysis suggests that the lookalike actor bin Laden displayed all the amateurish sophisticated mannerisms of an audition tape and bad lighting complete with the usual ridiculously outdated references
up to the minute clues in the fifth grader incoherent babble sophisticated rhetoric that only a total lameass or attentive WalMart shopper trained intelligence analyst could recognize as a total pile of crap frightening call to action that deserved gales of laughter and ridicule urgent military response and security measures such as admitting that the war on terror is a sham standing together taking off our belts for TSA tightening our belts and dropping our pants and bending over renewing our wars everywhere with an idiotic and murderous shotgun approach with a precise asswipe of a plan designed by our military strategic experts roomful of chimpanzees.

The official version includes a photo of the White House War Room that some say has been Photoshopped for those Americans who have no idea what our real leaders look like:

The Fantasy Team Drafted by Obama

Since the real ex-CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on barrel scrapings site Craigslist.

Click on picture to enlarge.

Desperate CIA Ad Posted Today on Craigslist

Bin Laden was apparently killed in a raid ordered by President Barack Obama in what anonymous White House sources like me said was a “stroke of luck.” The anonymous really smart source said “the President starts each day with a huge shit serious reflection on the nation’s needs and checking White Sox box scores calling on our military to stop bugging him about veterans’ health care “get bin Laden” but this morning he almost forgot.” Luckily, the source said, “Michelle his people in Israel jokingly suggested ordered him to “you really oughta get some more good press bin Laden because even after the White House Correspondents Dinner rise, your approval rating is down America needs closure from Donald Trump hair jokes.”

In a remarkable plan by the CIA coincidence, the assassination of bin Laden was “live Tweeted” by a CIA plant simple Pakistani IT technician named “Dave” whose Twitter CIA handle is @ReallyVirtual. He has since signed an “earwitness Live Tweeting” deal with online gossip site TMZ and is reportedly working “the Lohan beat” hoping for some “coke use or hot lesbian sex.”

The bin Laden lookalike patsy feared ultra-terrorist was reportedly fooled by a crack shot Delta Force or now Navy SEAL sniper posing as late arriving hummus delivery man as he was about to launch his latest devious plan watch “Glee”. Also found in the compound bachelor pad were the latest in suicide bomber devices a shitload of porn mags. Evidence that he was planning to release an even newer tape included the latest terrorist video Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and the even more deadly poison “Jam” by Kim Kardashian.

The anonymous Navy SEAL sniper who shot bin Laden in the eye said he learned his marksmanship skills from watching porn.

After DNA was verified by comparing it with bin Laden’s sister’s DNA CIA employee file, the body was buried “according to bullshit passed off as Muslim custom” at sea along with Donald Trump’s 2012 Presidential bid. Former Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush, in a Sober Somber Moment upon hearing of “the whole Osama deal” renewed his 9-11 vow to “finish reading My Pet Goat.

Like this? Say so. Or say it ain’t so Joe! Links to the right for more satire, sports, pop culture, and comedy.

British Tribal Leaders Expand Gene Pool in Bizarre Mating Ceremony

April 29, 2011 5 comments

Guest List Includes “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved.

Leaders of the once nomadic Saxe-Coburg and Gotha clan gathered in London today, joined by leaders of many of the the world’s other tribes, to wear their once-a-year jewelry stored in vaults in order to qualify for their tax deductions as “work apparel.” The little known deduction is a massive financial benefit as it transfers the taxes and most of the wealth of their “subjects” directly to them, an annual windfall of billions of pounds sterling, euros, land, and dead foxes. The festivities were highlighted by a lavish public display of ritual pre-coital foofoofery intended to stiffen more than the upper lips of the besieged tribe, desperately in need of stiffening of its weakening DNA strands. As the events are still unfolding, Say It Ain’t So, Joe! provides readers with some fast facts to annoy as much as inform:

Kate Middleton Appears To Realize that Her Childhood Dream of Becoming a Princess Comes with Oddly Dressed Idiots Controlling Her Life and Toilet Habits

Some facts:

The American equivalent of the British term “commoners” is “Kardashians”.

SAY IT AIN’T SO JOE! POLL: 96% of British Gays Would Choose to Replace House of Windsor with Haus of Gaga

Prince Harry Vows to Fulfill Role as Backup Heir by Getting Hammered and Nailing Hot Chicks

Many Americans With Sufficient Inbreeding Lack Income to move from status as “white trash hillbillies” to “your royal highness”.

Unlike the Marriage of Diana and Prince Charles, the Royal Family Cited “Sacrifice in Difficult Times” and Did Not Engage the Services of the Royal Hymen Inspector. Possibly Also Because He Was Found to be “Less Than Totally Gay”

The guest below shows that the parties would be enlivened by the usual Royal Festive bunch, especially the notorious Sophie of Wessex. Her reputation precedes her in this typo she will never live down but likely now richly deserves. “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex.”

Always Fun When Drunk, Princess Sophie was Expected to the Source of Many a Charming Anecdote

The day was not without tragedy, however, as the Daily Mail Copy Editor, responsible for the above schedule of events, was tragically killed in a mysterious high speed car crash in a Parisian tunnel.

Oh, by the way, While we were busy watching the ceremonies, the UK Government quietly announced a 37% cut in NHS funding.

"I'm not wearing underwear"

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