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Thanksgiving Night on a Los Angeles Bus

December 3, 2011 4 comments

This is What I Still Have to Live For… I guess.

© 2011, Joe Bodolai, All rights reserved

This is what I saw on a Thanksgiving night bus ride last year after volunteering serving dinner to the homeless. Sorry for the shaky video. It’s just another night in the underclass. By the way, the woman in the cutaway says “Driver! Control the electronic disease.”  Meaning my phone.

Florida Legalizes Murder, Post-Birth Abortion

July 5, 2011 7 comments

Verdict Sends Strong Message that “Some mothers deserve a mulligan.”

Casey Anthony Not Guilty Verdict A Victory for Post-Birth Abortion

Orlando – The verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial is already having a sweeping effect on what is called justice in Florida. Anthony, suspected of murdering her infant daughter Caylee Benet, was found not guilty on all charges relating to the death. She was convicted of a few misdemeanors but not on any of the child endangerment charges despite incredibly not reporting her daughter’s disappearance for 31 days. Sources close to Anthony say she “had no time because she was working out for a hot body contest at a fuckin’ epic new club. So, we were prioritizing so you can obviously see it was time sensitive.” Legal experts (okay just me) say this is an important step in allowing “post-birth abortion, apparently up to three years post-delivery. It’s a big win for mothers like Anthony who realize the inconvenience of having a child and deserve a mulligan.”

“Much of anti-abortion America is far more comfortable with abortion as long as it’s after the 14th trimester. Before that, they say it’s immoral, perhaps because the fetus needs to be born to “get into the system?” After that, they’re cool with it. The death penalty after all is just retroactive abortion, so you can say they’re pro-choice of choosing who they want to kill.”

The truly stunning thing is that I have no idea if Casey Anthony murdered her daughter or not. I am shocked, however, that the various child endangerment/neglect charges were somehow not proved. I only caught up to this case yesterday because she’s a brunette and it wasn’t covered much on my cable. Any woman who doesn’t report her child missing for a month and want help finding her is guilty of child abuse.

The font of all wisdom that is Kim Kardashian, an expert on legal matters such as providing sage judicial advice to her father Robert in the acquittal of O.J. Simpson in the trial of the last century expressed her outrage on Twitter moments after the verdict with her typical exclamation mark assault in the place of words to express emotion.

Perhaps forgetting that her father also helped acquit O.J. Simpson

Sources close to defense lawyer Jose Baez (no relation to Joan I am pretty much positive) said the defense team celebrated with champagne and the Baez daughters doing rounds of Jaeger body shots in anticipation of their sure to be forthcoming untitled reality show. The series was slated to be called “Keeping Up With The Baez’s”, according to somebody,”but the smartass making up this quote said the apostrophe is wrong there so I’m like what are you? A teacher?” No.

Moments later, O.J. Simpson announced that he would lead the hunt to find Caylee Anthony’s real killer if somebody would just get him the fuck out of this Vegas jail.

Florida elected George Bush. Now this. What’s next? A year ago, I wrote this after the “concealed carry and suspicion of a threat” law putting legal murder into the hands of private citizens as well as, of course, cops. This could be happening in the Sunshine State soon:

Zero Percent Murder Rate is Lowest in the Country

By Joe Bodolai © 2010 All rights reserved

Ocala, Florida — “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,” exclaimed Ocala, Florida police chief Phil Procopio, as he showed off charts and binders full of slick graphics to indicate a 100% drop in the murder rate to 0%, the lowest rate in the country. “Legalizing murder has not only eliminated it completely, making our community unique in the country, but has also improved our ranking on Parade Magazine’s list of the 10,000 Best Places to Live in America — up two places to number 9,997! That’s a community effort we should all be proud of.”

White Floridians Applaud New Rulings

Citizens have applauded the move enthusiastically. “I used to worry about being murdered whenever I went downtown or to a ballgame, “said Gus Cherniak, a private security consultant for the Golf Manor Estates (a gated community on the north side of the city), “now we really don’t have to worry at all. This new law has taken away the fear our citizens used to have.” Now, if they feel unsure about someone, Floridians can just shoot them with an assault rifle or kill them with a taser first. “This has made life for our neighborhood citizens’ patrols much easier, instead of always worrying about legal grey areas.”

What in other communities might be called “vigilantism”, in Florida it’s called “preventive vigilantism — not that vigilantism is a bad word around here. After all, let’s remember that some of America’s greatest heroes are vigilantes. Batman, Superman, Bernard Goetz, Jack Ruby, all of them. We’re just following in what we think is a heroic American tradition”, added Cherniak. “We’re all just good old American crime-fighting superheroes.”

The only thing separating a vigilante from a superhero is a costume and a good publicist. — Joe Bodolai

Police Chief Procopio suggested that the program should go beyond Florida. “I’d like to see this law be extended nationwide, especially into communities where there are lots of prisons and Democratic voters” said the much-decorated law enforcer (a winner of the local Crime Dog Man of the Year Award from Governor Charlie Crist).

Yet, the new law really comes down to street level common sense, and increased social benefits, say advocates. “Floyd here once shot a guy messing with his satellite dish and it caused him all kinds of legal trouble, red tape, paperwork, phone calls to the Governor, and money for lawyers before it got taken care of. Now, think of the millions the government is saving by not having to incarcerate the perp! The benefits to the taxpayer are already starting to show. We’re getting new blocking sleds for the high school football team, and, for the first time in three years, new band uniforms!”

You call them vigilantes, but Batman was the founder of "citizen patrols".

You may also want to know this about the Casey Anthony trial. ABC News apparently paid $200,000 to the Anthony defense team. They also covered the trial. Think about that. While you do, is the next frontier someone pitching a sexy crime to a network and negotiating a reality show? You heard it here first. Oh, don’t believe me about ABC News, read it <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/lawyers-reveal-abc-news-paid-200000-to-casey-anthony-family_b25120&quot; title="Here” target=”_blank”>

The “Tupac of Terror”: Osama Bin Laden Drops Another Joint! New Video

May 2, 2011 2 comments

Osama Bin Laden Still Dead Again as Americans Celebrate USA! USA!!

By Joe Bodolai, © 2011, All Rights Reserved

Note: Portions May Be Redacted in Interests of Something or Someone

The CIA and Neocons Evil Muslim Hot Chick Hating Terrorists need to keep the myth of Osama Bin Laden alive to fuel fear of terrorism and lubricate war fever and the abrogation of civil rights in the USA. They have relied on updated but outdated “Osama bin Laden” videos to aid their cause, and since the real Bin Laden (a former CIA operative and US ally not to mention associates of the Bush family) has been dead for years, they need some new lookalikes. Their campaign of fake and cheesy chilling videos seems to have hit a new low frightening tone with this one. Like I said, the video Pentagon analysis suggests that the lookalike actor bin Laden displayed all the amateurish sophisticated mannerisms of an audition tape and bad lighting complete with the usual ridiculously outdated references
up to the minute clues in the fifth grader incoherent babble sophisticated rhetoric that only a total lameass or attentive WalMart shopper trained intelligence analyst could recognize as a total pile of crap frightening call to action that deserved gales of laughter and ridicule urgent military response and security measures such as admitting that the war on terror is a sham standing together taking off our belts for TSA tightening our belts and dropping our pants and bending over renewing our wars everywhere with an idiotic and murderous shotgun approach with a precise asswipe of a plan designed by our military strategic experts roomful of chimpanzees.

The official version includes a photo of the White House War Room that some say has been Photoshopped for those Americans who have no idea what our real leaders look like:

The Fantasy Team Drafted by Obama

Since the real ex-CIA employee Osama bin Laden died several years ago, they have been looking for doubles to appear in their fake “terror” videos. Looks like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel judging by this posting on barrel scrapings site Craigslist.

Click on picture to enlarge.

Desperate CIA Ad Posted Today on Craigslist

Bin Laden was apparently killed in a raid ordered by President Barack Obama in what anonymous White House sources like me said was a “stroke of luck.” The anonymous really smart source said “the President starts each day with a huge shit serious reflection on the nation’s needs and checking White Sox box scores calling on our military to stop bugging him about veterans’ health care “get bin Laden” but this morning he almost forgot.” Luckily, the source said, “Michelle his people in Israel jokingly suggested ordered him to “you really oughta get some more good press bin Laden because even after the White House Correspondents Dinner rise, your approval rating is down America needs closure from Donald Trump hair jokes.”

In a remarkable plan by the CIA coincidence, the assassination of bin Laden was “live Tweeted” by a CIA plant simple Pakistani IT technician named “Dave” whose Twitter CIA handle is @ReallyVirtual. He has since signed an “earwitness Live Tweeting” deal with online gossip site TMZ and is reportedly working “the Lohan beat” hoping for some “coke use or hot lesbian sex.”

The bin Laden lookalike patsy feared ultra-terrorist was reportedly fooled by a crack shot Delta Force or now Navy SEAL sniper posing as late arriving hummus delivery man as he was about to launch his latest devious plan watch “Glee”. Also found in the compound bachelor pad were the latest in suicide bomber devices a shitload of porn mags. Evidence that he was planning to release an even newer tape included the latest terrorist video Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and the even more deadly poison “Jam” by Kim Kardashian.

The anonymous Navy SEAL sniper who shot bin Laden in the eye said he learned his marksmanship skills from watching porn.

After DNA was verified by comparing it with bin Laden’s sister’s DNA CIA employee file, the body was buried “according to bullshit passed off as Muslim custom” at sea along with Donald Trump’s 2012 Presidential bid. Former Cheney Administration Spokeshole George W. Bush, in a Sober Somber Moment upon hearing of “the whole Osama deal” renewed his 9-11 vow to “finish reading My Pet Goat.

Like this? Say so. Or say it ain’t so Joe! Links to the right for more satire, sports, pop culture, and comedy.

British Tribal Leaders Expand Gene Pool in Bizarre Mating Ceremony

April 29, 2011 5 comments

Guest List Includes “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved.

Leaders of the once nomadic Saxe-Coburg and Gotha clan gathered in London today, joined by leaders of many of the the world’s other tribes, to wear their once-a-year jewelry stored in vaults in order to qualify for their tax deductions as “work apparel.” The little known deduction is a massive financial benefit as it transfers the taxes and most of the wealth of their “subjects” directly to them, an annual windfall of billions of pounds sterling, euros, land, and dead foxes. The festivities were highlighted by a lavish public display of ritual pre-coital foofoofery intended to stiffen more than the upper lips of the besieged tribe, desperately in need of stiffening of its weakening DNA strands. As the events are still unfolding, Say It Ain’t So, Joe! provides readers with some fast facts to annoy as much as inform:

Kate Middleton Appears To Realize that Her Childhood Dream of Becoming a Princess Comes with Oddly Dressed Idiots Controlling Her Life and Toilet Habits

Some facts:

The American equivalent of the British term “commoners” is “Kardashians”.

SAY IT AIN’T SO JOE! POLL: 96% of British Gays Would Choose to Replace House of Windsor with Haus of Gaga

Prince Harry Vows to Fulfill Role as Backup Heir by Getting Hammered and Nailing Hot Chicks

Many Americans With Sufficient Inbreeding Lack Income to move from status as “white trash hillbillies” to “your royal highness”.

Unlike the Marriage of Diana and Prince Charles, the Royal Family Cited “Sacrifice in Difficult Times” and Did Not Engage the Services of the Royal Hymen Inspector. Possibly Also Because He Was Found to be “Less Than Totally Gay”

The guest below shows that the parties would be enlivened by the usual Royal Festive bunch, especially the notorious Sophie of Wessex. Her reputation precedes her in this typo she will never live down but likely now richly deserves. “Sophie, Cuntess of Wessex.”

Always Fun When Drunk, Princess Sophie was Expected to the Source of Many a Charming Anecdote

The day was not without tragedy, however, as the Daily Mail Copy Editor, responsible for the above schedule of events, was tragically killed in a mysterious high speed car crash in a Parisian tunnel.

Oh, by the way, While we were busy watching the ceremonies, the UK Government quietly announced a 37% cut in NHS funding.

"I'm not wearing underwear"

Pilgrims, Attentive Walmart Shoppers Flock to Graceland for “Shroud of Elvis”

April 21, 2011 Leave a comment

Bedsheet With King’s Likeness On Display From Good Friday Through Kickass Friday.

By Joe Bodolai (C) 2011, All rights reserved

The King of People Not Actually the King

By Joe Bodolai © 2011 All rights reserved

The controversial “Shroud of Elvis” will be exhibited at Elvis Presley’s home, Graceland, beginning today, Good Friday,for seven days until Kickass Friday, April 29th.Similar to the Shroud of Turin, which supposedly depicts the likeness of Jesus Christ, a popular religious figure, the Shroud of Elvis is imbued with the likeness of the King. “There is no doubt this is real,” said Jumbo Tuberville, curator of the Elvis Museum and Bait Shop. ”The King had enough Dilaudid and Twinkies in his system to sweat his portrait onto the sheet. The chemicals in his body just fused with the polyester, man. Sweet!“

Pilgrims Celebrate the Unveiling of the Sacred Shroud


The shroud is expected to draw over one million visitors more than the Shroud of Turin, which dates from the Middle Ages or a couple years ago and is being exhibited in order to deflect attention from the widespread pedophilia scandal involving the Pope and countless priests, but doubtfully this guy:

A Pilgrim Ponders Deep Fried Twinkies in Gift Shop  

While rumours flew that the Shroud would be available in replica versions at selected sacred Walmart locations, the Catholic Church and Graceland have refused to comment when asked if displaying the Shroud was an attempt to revitalize both Catholicism and interest in Elvis as a response to the rise of the world’s preeminent spiritual leader, Lady Gaga.

Pope “Joey Ratz” Responds to Arrest of Pedophile Pedophilia Advisor, Forgives Self, Pedophiles

April 17, 2011 4 comments

Two Hail Marys “Oughta Cover It” and “Don’t Sweat the Rapture” Says Oddly Dressed Unmarried Ex-Nazi.

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

Joey Ratz Working His Popely Magic

May 26,2001- Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51 year-old parish priest in the village of Sastri Ponente, near Genoa, was arrested last Friday on pedophilia and drugs charges. Investigators say that in tapped mobile phone conversations Seppia asked a Moroccan drug dealer to arrange sexual encounters with young and vulnerable boys. “I do not want 16-year-old boys, but younger. Fourteen-year-olds are OK. Look for needy boys, who have family issues,” he allegedly said. Genoa Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco, who is also head of the Italian Bishops Conference, had been working with Benedict to establish a tough new worldwide policy released this week on how bishops should handle accusations of priestly sex abuse. Bagnasco said when he met the Pope this weekend he “asked for a particular blessing for my archdiocese,” in light of the accused crimes, adding that “like every father toward a son (feels) great pain in seeing a priest who is not faithful to his vocation.”
“[The investigators] made us listen to that man saying terrifying things about our children. Things so terrible that I cannot repeat them,” a father of one of the boys said. — translated from La Stampa

Proclaiming himself “super holy”, Joe Ratzinger (aka “the Pope”) emerged from a Vatican confessional sauna today and claims he has “forgiven” himself for what he referred to as “so-called sins” and also forgave all priests and other church officials accused of child molestation. “Nothing like the Rapture happened so I took care of you there. Some people might see all this forgiving as damage control,” said the former Nazi Youth, “but first there has to be damage. Anyway, I gave myself and the guys a round of Hail Marys, and you know if I bring Mary into this, and she is a virgin, that’s proof of no diddling boys. This whole mess is due to the clever homosexual children because the little lambs got flocked by the Shepherd which proves they were not victims,” he “explained.” The official Vatican press release, published in High Pig Latin, entitled Uckfay Uyay, continued: ” as a bonus, I threw in forgiving the Beatles and, I’m offering 50% off for all school groups to visit the Shroud of Turin for Christ’s sake. We’re also selling Abbey Road in the Vatican gift shop now cheaper than iTunes, use code veni vidi vici This is what makes the Catholic Church such a great donation value. Remember, omnes gallia est divisa en tres partes. When questioned about his infallibility at a special Palm Sunday brunch at the Palm Restaurant at Vatican Citywalk , the Pope blamed his streak of incorrectly picking the last 45 Super Bowl winners on “Satan and the bloggers.”Dominus frickin’ vobiscum! I gotta go. Chris Hansen’s in the gift shop. Oh, and to by the way, no, I do not consider my outfits ‘super gay.”

“What profit has not that fable of Christ brought us!”
Pope Leo X (As attributed by John Bale, Bishop of Ossory, in The Pageant of Popes, p. 179, 1574)

“I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not of this world, and yet they lay their hands on everything they can get.” — Napoleon Bonaparte

Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.
~ Denis Diderot

All great truths begin as blasphemies.
~ George Bernard Shaw

Argentum Duram Et Majoram — Latinish for “Hard Cash is Best”, Motto of All Churches Everywhere

Snooki: The Oil Slick in the Hot Tub

February 12, 2011 4 comments

It’s Over” — Nostradamus

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2011, All rights reserved

A week or so ago, I happened by the Barnes and Noble store at the Grove in Los Angeles, a faux urban streetscape of a mall, to find a huge queue to attend the bookstore’s “moving your lips while reading series.” The author that evening was none other than the Jane Austen of The Hot Tub herself, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. The crowd was there to hear her first-person author’s insights about her hairball of keystrokage by a poor ghost-typist “novel”, A Shore Thing. Perhaps this roman a clef could provide loyal viewers of her smoosh-and-puke reality series, Jersey Shore, some valuable insights gossip about the weltanschaung hookups of her Algonquin Round Table STD-Infested Hot Tub companions, Pauly D, JbowWoww, and Mike not “The Situation” Room, the Mr.Darcy of the Abmaster. I have no idea what discourse transpired, but happily there was a Bath & BodyWorks nearby for emergency spray tan needs and, in my case, shower gel.

In related news, Cheney Administration spokesman George W. Bush commented on Snooki’s novel adding “I’ll be about ready to barrel on into that as soon as I finish up My Pet Goat.”

A Minimal Number of Words Between the Pictures Allows For Easy Lip Movement While Reading

There is really nothing I need to say about the state of American mass culture today. This picture says more than I ever could. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go to the library. You know that place, the Book Museum? It’s where the homeless go to take a dump and poor people still go to rent VHS copies of Die Hard III. At least there I can get WiFi at the attractive price of relative quiet and an effluviance of urban odors.

THIS JUST IN: Snooki to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner!