Corporate Sponsors See Gold in Trapped Chilean Miners

Breweries’ Promotional Funding Markets “Frat Party Atmosphere”

By Joe Bodolai © 2010, All rights reserved

The 33 miners trapped deep in a Chilean copper and gold mine since August 5th  have American promotional and marketing ingenuity to thank for what a spokesman termed “a goldmine of opportunity for business.” Rafe Wiffle, President of  Sympathy for the Poor Devils Marketing, said “even though it’s a not a baby or infant down a well these guys are perfect. They’re living a frat party blowout 24/7. Okay, without the food, beer, or babes but, you know, just 33 sweaty super horny dudes in one filthy room. ”

"Frat Party Atmosphere Without the Beer"

Wiffle explained that “the 24 hour news cycle has calmed down. When the non-stop coverage kicks back in with the rescue in a few months and the hosing down, these guys will be smiling with Big Macs, Cokes, and maybe trips to Disneyland, if they can learn how to say it in English in time. Right now it’s all about the beer.”

Coors and Bud Light are reportedly battling for the role of Official Beer Sponsor of the Trapped Chilean Miners. “We’re in luck that the hole was enlarged to nearly 30cm (11.5 inches), big enough to get some six packs down there for a real underground frat party atmosphere,” said Woody Flange, Anheuser-Busch Director of Third World Party Marketing. I mean, you can only take so much plain water as non-beer, right?” Coors spokesdude Chip Dimmler commented “whoa, dude, we got fresh mountain spring water yo! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!…In our beer of course. We have water in that.”

Sources close to the negotiations said there is no truth to the rumours that  Coors is angling for a rescue delayed until Super Bowl Sunday and a spectacular live commercial. “Sure, that would be great to have our rescue, I mean their rescue, on every station 24 hours a day with our caps and our ‘when the mountains turn as blue as their balls’ cans. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? Let’s just hope the frickin’ tunnel doesn’t collapse down there or some shit like that…. Geez, speaking of shit….”

Letterman Doesn’t Ask: Lady Gaga Admits “I’m Not a Hermaphrodite but That Would be Cool!”

“Madonna Can’t Carry Lady Gaga’s Jock!” — Joe Bodolai”

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

Forget comparing Lady Gaga to Madonna, even if you mean the BVM and not the pop star. Gagaloo lands a swift kick to the nutsacks who are freaked out by those who challenge old school female role models. Like the new wave of female comedy stars and styles, such as the hit Bridesmaids, she proves women don’t need balls to be ballsy. Her recent appearance with David Letterman did not dispel any of the rumours surrounding her as she ate the host’s notes and questions. So, in an exclusive interview with me, despite rumours to the contrary, World Spiritual Leader Lady Gaga denied that she was a hermaphrodite in an interview I claim was with fellow near-hermaphrodite Barbara Walters. Say It Ain’t So, Joe! Executive Editor Joe Bodolai explained her explanation on his imaginary nationally-televised current affairs program “What They Meant to Say Even if They Didn’t Actually Say It.”

Meat and Two Veg AND a Spicy Taco?

“Gaga meant to say “I know people think I’m packing meat and two veg AND a big taco, which would be so truthy and artsy! So if they think it, it can be true. I empower my little monsters’ minds in a sexy, androgynous, way and the bullies are scared of her, I mean me…oh just watch her, I mean, my videos…”, articulated Bodolai. “Having sex organs of both popular kinds has its ups and downs and ins and outs,” she would have continued. “The reality of having a pathetically undersized penis combined with huge flappy labia would be the worst of both worlds… in reality I mean. But for me, it’s cool! I have a chance to win more awards, like Best Male Vocalist, Best Female Vocalist, and, of course, “Best Male AND Female Vocalist”. Besides, if people tell me to “go fuck myself”, I actually can!”

ON ANOTHER NOTE: While it may appear that by making fun of some of the media sensations that Lady Gaga has been in the midst of, there is no doubt that she is a major talent, a truly important spiritual voice for equality, acceptance, and diversity. In the clip at the link below, she reveals how she was bullied in high school and how that has influenced her songwriting. A true major talent:

Lady Gaga Recalls Being Bullied

NB-ABY: “LaBronna”, “Shaqnisha” Top Ghetto Name List for Girls

By Joe Bodolai (c) 2010, All rights reserved

LeBron James may have tumbled in popularity and respect after his slimy and selfish televised insult to his native Northeast Ohio, but the feminine variant of his name, “LaBron” tops the list of Most Populicious  Ghetto BabyGirl Names, along with variants “LaBronna” and “LaBron Qui Qui”. The perennial favorite “Shaqnisha” and variants “Shaqteesha”, “Shaqlishakensia” and “Shaqtuality” follow closely behind, demonstrating the enduring popularity of NBA-inspired names.

NBA Inspires Names, Wardrobe

“Ghetto parents want to name their babies after mad flossin’ ballers,” said Dominiqua Wilkensia Jackson of the Nomenclature Institute and Crew of Scarsdale, New York. “Even rich stockbrokers and Wall Street lawyers are naming their kids for success,” she added, pointing out not only the popularity of traditional ghetto-inspired names such as “Lawyer”, “President”, and “Neurosurgica”, but also new additions such as “GagaLulu” and “Kardashianna.”